Secret passage reveals goo, horrible tests

by Gomer Pyle >> Stalf Writer

It is well known around the campus that the new medical cen- ter is currently still under con- struction, but construction is not the only reason the building is still closed - zombies!

Last weekend Over The Edge’s crack investigation team decided to skip into the construction area and see for ourselves how far along the medical building was.

At first the investigative team found nothing of note - workers were in the middle of wiring and finishing the insides, so everything seemed on schedule.

“l felt like | was in resident evil...Only there aren't any hot chicks working at the newspaper office like there are in Resident Evil.”

It was only when one of Over the Edge’s intrepid journalists hit the bathroom things went down the toilet, so to speak.

After finishing his business, he flushed the toilet to realize that by flushing the toilet he inadvertently opened a secret passageway.

“] didn’t realize what the hell was going on, but all of a sudden I smelled the most horrible stink I had ever smelled,” said the inves- tigative reporter, who shall be referred to only as Mr. X. Woob, for reasons of secrecy.

After regrouping, the team filed into the open passage and headed down into a sub-basement that, upon questioning, none of UNBC’s administration staff would admit

(or knew) existed. (Spooky huh?)

The investigative squad walked into the bowels of the mountain under UNBC coming to a set of large steel, safe style doors.

“The doors were open and the smell became even worse, two of us vomited, and our leader faint- ed.” said Woob... er Mr. X.

“I just wanted to get out of there, but the News Editor really wanted this story. She’s kind of a bitch.”

The team entered a lab area that was filled with corpses, which were never identified. Yes, we’re a bit lazy... sue us why don’t ya? Anyhow, a lone man in a bloody lab coat sat typing at a computer.

“The man’s lab coat was stained blood red, in one hand he was car- tying a sinister looking scalpel, and a syringe of vile looking fluid. He got up and started yelling something about getting us for specimens, he came at us but we easily subdued him,” said X.

After subduing the clearly insane assailant the team began to gather information from the still working computer.

According to the data, the labo- ratory was being jointly run by Bell Communications and Dow Chemicals Canada. The lab was being used to create biological weapons, and was manufacturing a chemical that was being used to reanimate cadavers for use as shock troopers in a plot to invade and liberate the United States from George Bush’s Government.

Moreover they were developing a virus that would fill people with self-doubt about if they were in the right place for use in conflicts between Israelis and Palestinians.

“T felt like I was in resident evil! Only there aren‘t any hot chicks working at the newspaper office like there are in Resident Evil,” said Mr. X before being clobbered by our totally lovely, sexy and

desirable News Editor.

Anyways... Apparently _ this crazy man in the coat, named Ansen De Pants had started testing on human subjects - creating rean- imated corpses. Unfortunately, his self-doubt virus was just a little too effective, and his lab technicians became filled with self-doubt whether they were supposed to be in the evil lab at all.

‘lll never forget the screams. Weil, | probably never will. | smoke a lot of dope though, so my memory’s not really what it used fo be. Uh... what was the question again? Hey, are those chips?”

Confused and generally ineffec- tive, the technicians fell prey to the horrible zombies and soon became zombies themselves!

“We found the security tapes and watched part of them. It was awful the way the zombies ripped apart the lab technicians! They started eating the technicians before they were dead, I'll never forget the screams. Well, I probably never will. I smoke a lot of dope though, so my memory’s not really what is used to be. Uh... what was the question again? Hey, are those chips?”

Unfortunately all of the effort that the investigative team put in turned out to be in vain. A special

IF YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THIS NEWS, YOU ARE SO STUPID YOU REQUIRE A SAFETY HELMET

>> graphic by Marion Francescini An artists rendition of the secret passage way. It was filled with lots of goo.

tactics team came in and sterilized the entire complex using a large chemical weapon before Over the Edge could grab any actual proof of the incident.

Luckily the team managed to escape the clutches of the “DOW- BELL” cleaning squad.

Later, when Over the Edge called to question people at Bell and Dow, we received no answers about the lab or the zombies. But

we did receive threats of legal action if Over The Edge ever called again, which kind of sucked.

When asked if the whole inci- dent was the result of another heady production night where the staff ingested too many cans of warm coke and stale Hostess Ding Dongs, X had this to say.

“Ding Dongs? Where?”

The mystery may never be solved...

Unfortunate Printing Mishap Nixes Local Festival 10,000 ‘Cocktoberfest’ flyers distributed around town, quickly recalled

by Bob Woob >> Kick ass reporter

“We'll put the Cock in you!” boasted 10,000 flyers that were dis- tributed around UNBC and Prince George much to the horror of local residents, octogenarians, small rodents, and well, pretty much everyone.

The flyers were supposed to read “We'll put the Rock in you!” and were printed to advertise Rocktoberfest, Prince George's premier music festival with the

‘Rock’ in the name, according to Rocktoberfest’s organizer Paul Stayakbottom.

Unfortunately, a printing mishap caused all instances of the word ‘rock’ to be changed to ‘cock’, and all instances of ‘Rocktoberfest’ to be changed to ‘Cocktoberfest’.

Interestingly enough, all instances of the word ‘individual- ism’ were changed to ‘utilitarian- ism’, but nobody noticed.

Reaction to the misprinted flyers proved to be mixed. Among a small group of people the reaction

proved to be disturbingly enthusi- astic, but most people settled on being thoroughly offended. —

“| thought | saw Satan. Then | real- ized it was the cat.”

“I thought I saw Satan,” said Olive Waxflosser; an senile elderly resident who woke up to find her prize winning begonias plastered over with Cocktoberfest Flyers.

“Then I realized it was the cat,” she later added. The full text of the flyer read,

.“Do you like Cock? We'll put the

cock in you! We'll fill you with cock! Damn! Cockity, cock, cock ‘n Roll... COCK! etc,” according to several morally disturbed eyewit- nesses.

“I'm flabbergasted,” _ said Stayakbottom. “I can’t believe this happened. I’m out like $60 bucks, and the good and pure name of Rocktoberfest has been tarnished.”

Several attempts were made by

flustered organizers to make it look like the flyers were referring to a poultry festival, but that only succeeded in alienating the small group of people who actually wanted to go to Cocktoberfest.

“I wanted to see several local bands play hard cock,” said Waxflosser. “I’m extremely disap- pointed Cocktoberfest was can- celled,” the octogenarian told this disgusted reporter.

“I was looking forward to hard cock! Ah! Satan!”

“Meow!”