March 31, 2003

Page 13

The Quest for the Quantum Thong One Thong to bind them all...

founded. I could not believe that there was a piece of fabric so close to a part of my body that was unseen by the sun (well in public anyway). All my life I was a hanger, and to now have my boys wrapped up into a package was quite a different experience. 1 ended up heading to the bathroom three or four times while at the school to pick the wedgie lodged between my checks. I found that while the front was stretchy and fit quite well, the back was another story (always ask try thongs over your underwear before pur- chasing). I finally couldn't take it any more and went to visit my friend who got me into this mess. I used the clips on the sides, which were not noticeable and were very comfortable. I unclipped both side and next thing my friend knew I was going commando in her living room, without even taking off my pants. I have determined that male thongs are meant to be used before bed when you know that you are going to get some action.

Kathleen's Report:

To my surprise, and the envy of my fellow thong-ateers, I was gifted with not one but two almost comfortable thongs. The first one, after a minor mishap with putting it on side- ways (well, all the sides were the same size/length/dimen- sions) I managed to right it. Its wide cut back was somewhat prone to lodging itself into my ass when I sat down (actual- ly I think it was more comfortable sideways...) otherwise the fabric was alright, soft with a nice texture. While the thong itself was pretty ugly (the Graffiti) the experience of wearing it was definitely better than having my ass cheeks pierced together by a red hot poker covered in fire ants.

The second thong I tried had the distinction of being voted the most sexy by a fairly large majority. Usually sexy things are uncomfortable, since this is a fundamental law of the universe. However, I am pleased to report that this thong was in fact, not all that bad. The soft fabric and thin back strap made sitting down a small inconvenience, and the front of the thong was so comfortable I forgot I was wearing it at times. All in all, I would recommend both my thongs, with a small word of warning:

Wearing a thong means your butt is only separated from the world by one layer of fabric. That bus seat that some drunk vomited on the day before is only a few millimeters away from your bare ass flesh.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

GI THONG!

I hate the ass-ymptote: Blacky's Report

I wore the “Beads Galore" and the "Simple and Sassy" thongs. The "Beads Galore" is a blue and stretchy low-rise thong. In the back the width of the "string" can be described as the limit as the width approaches zero. For you scientists out there, it's an ass-ymptope! When my good friend the Poli-Sci major asked me, "What's an asymptote," I had the witty reply, "Something you never touch.” Not only is the back of the Beads Galore quite uncomfortable, the elastic fabric is also really itchy, Also the beads on the straps actu- ally left bruises on my hips.

The "Simple and Sassy" is a low-rise, baby blue cotton thong. The back strap is much wider than the Beads Galore, and as a result is MUCH more comfortable. I also really

liked the small butterfly above the back strap. I would total- ly recommend the "Simple and Sassy", if you have to wear a thong. Not only does the cotton fabric not cause itching, but it also has no beads!

Natalie's Thong Report:

Until a few days ago I was a thong virgin. Recently how- ever I had the opportunity to try this quick rising undergar- ment style. I was presented with two styles of thong, the first, a low-rise style with side ties, named Tropical Paradise and the second, a semi low rise style, termed Starry Night. Having no previous experience with floss-like undergar- ments I was skeptical of the comfort level of a thong. How could something that is essentially a permanent wedgie be comfortable? Far more concerned with comfort than the absence of indiscrete lines I was ready to give thongs two thumbs down. My pre-conceived notions of thongs were strengthened by my fist test run. I was able to conclude that the pair Starry Night, while cute with its dark blue back- ground and shiny stars and moons, was a bad cut and very uncomfortable. The second pair, however was a surprise. Tropical Paradise turned out to be very comfortable. The side ties were cute and did not come undone (another of my initial concerns) during use. The low-rise cut worked very well under hip hugger jeans. My views have been reversed and I can see the contribution of the thong to the fashion world. However, I must emphasis the importance of finding a good cut for you.

Dan's Thong Report:

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The things that I do for science. I was a thong-a-teer in the Rate-a-Thong for Science experiment. This was an experi- ence that I never thought I would...well...experience. After spending a day in a thong, I wonder how can people chose to do that! It was a very uncomfortable feeling having this thong all tight and up everywhere. The only thing that I can use to describe the feeling is that if you ever wear briefs and you walk too much, the briefs can ride up. Now when this happens you have to pull them out. With the thong...you can't! A day-long perma-ride-up is something that I just could not stand. My suggestion for any guy who wants to "thong it up,” unless you are having a wild night of passion or you are a stripper. Don't wear a thong! Even if you don't mind the ass-string, the "boys" didn't enjoy being all bunched up together into an easy to hit target. Frankly, it was as sensible as having a homicidal maniac threaten a room full of people who then gather into a large. easy to attack group.

Friday: Results tallied:

Extensive results have been tabulated, and the conclusion is, based on the factors of subjective values and comfort tests by dedicated thong-ateers, the closest living descendant of the quantum thong is test subject #9, the racy gothic. Upon reaching these startling conclusions, the thongologists immediately collected the sample, and vacuum sealed it for post-haste shipment to the Mope (the last living descendent of Moah, the architect of the thong) at the Canadian Church of Thongintology.

Thong Key

1. Pretty in Pink

2. Graffiti

3. Stardust

4. Basic

5. Floral Delight

6. The Jem Thong 7. Tropical Paradise 8. Starry Night

9. Racy Gothic

10. Simple n’ Sassy 11. Beads Galore 12.Delicate Butterfly

#8 Starry Night #9 Racy Gothic

#10 Simple n’ Sassy

#11 Beads Galore

#12 D. Butterfly

#13 The Nutcracker #14 Bad Kitty