Over the Edge + January 19

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan If 2008 was the year of the potato, 2011 is Lindsay's time

ECATERINA CIUGUREANU FEATURES EDITOR

Dear Lindsay,

| would like to start by saying that I’m a huge fan of your work. Your movie Parent Trap, made me desperately want a twin to the point of plotting against my divorced parents with my mirror reflection....at 17 years of age. Clearly we have one thing in common, we are not the brightest bulbs in the tanning bed. Speaking of tanning beds, you are looking more and more like Donatella Versace, who is 55 by the way. | did my best to not pull a Michael Lohan through all of these years. | stood back when you weighed less than Paris Hilton’s chiwawa or Nicole Richie’s left boob. When you were dating Wilmer Walderrama | was hoping it was a Coyote Ugly moment, which lasted 360 days too long. The time Dina, your mother, graced Seventeen (which she is not) to talk about you, | just felt it was your life’s version of Shit My Mom Says. And when you were driving crazy high on cocaine in your Mercedes Benz, | smiled at the thought that girls just wanna have fun. But | will never forgive myself if | just let you slip away. Tabloids without your SCRAM bracelet would be skinnier than you in 2005. And most people wouldn’t even know what a SCRAM bracelet is. Think about the children, Lindsay! So light up a cigarette, because we have a lot to talk about, Lilo.

Let’s recap 2010, shall we? You were probably so drunk and high through this mess you don’t remember anyway. You started off 2010 by announcing to Access Hollywood that your New Year’s resolution was to make some changes and bring us some more positive Lohan mayhem. Well, Lindsay, the only positive thing in your life is your drug test. Your line of leggings is a disaster. Why would you charge $60-$130 for a polyester blend? Let’s face it, your leggings are no ‘jeggings’. Your treatment of Samantha Ronson is borderline abusive, not to mention a deal breaker. Your twitter attacks demonstrate that your IQ is lower than the four digits of your clothing line name added together (6126). And then there was the SCRAM bracelet. Thumbs up for your dedication

to hiding it. Who knew you have more pairs of boots in

your Closet than freckles on your face. Then again, hiding

it might not have been a good idea. Since it’s out of sight out of mind for you, Lindsay, you just had to have a little sippy-sip of alcohol at the MTV movie awards. The most

embarrassing part was when you tried to rationalize your SCRAM bracelet going off by saying someone spilled alcohol on it, which is as likely as getting pregnant by someone cumin on your leg. The infamous court case was probably the climax of the Shakespearean tragedy that is Lindsay Lohan. You utilized so many defence mechanisms, Freud could do a PhD dissertation on your court transcript. There were tears, begging, and a twist (90 days in jail). If you were as good at acting as you are at feeling bad for yourself, you wouldn't have to star in TV movies such as Labor Pains. Long story short,

the rest of the year you spent in jail, in rehab, and on twitter. All was quiet for awhile and the media world suffered. Luckily, just when Perez Hilton page views went down 37%, you failed to disappoint once again. Not to be outdone by a younger celebrity who punched somebody and then checked into rehab, Lindsay punched somebody while IN a rehab facility. | am sure she deserved it, Lindsay. To put it simply, this year was a success.

Pretty, but crazy

Now onto my advice to you. You are neither the first nor the last celebrity to go through this and believe it or not, you can come back from this. Capitalists love redemption. Probably because it sells. Britney Spears flashed us her vagina

and her head (both hairless), while attacking vehicles and people with an umbrella. It was like Mary Poppins gone wild. Then she released a very successful album under

the fitting name of Cirucs. Bristol Palin used to simply

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be acold case of irony, but after Dancing with the Stars, she proved that there IS life after love. | think you need a vacation from this vacation (that is your life). Hop on a jet plane to India, watch an in flight movie (preferably Slumdog Millionaire), and get your act together. Oh shoot, you are currently facing a ban from there. Awkward. Okay, hop ona plane to Moldova and help homeless dogs there. Get some perspective, Lindsay, those are bitches whose lives truly suck.

P.S. Would you like to be best friends?

Sincerely Yours, Dr. Drew

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