Over the Edge + November 25, 2009 Opinion 11 Madame Andrew Bailey Predicts Your Immediate Future Aries (The Charging Ram) March 21-April 19 You will get extremely angry about something this week and devote all your time and energy towards making sure everyone knows you're mad. Hardly any- one will notice and nothing will be resolved but you will probably cause someone to lose an eye in an ac- tivity completely unrelated to fun and games. Lucky numbers 00. Taurus (The Raging Bull) April 20- May 20 Someone will try to tell you how to live your life this week and you will completely disregard the advice, In fact, upon hearing any advice you will stop at nothing to do the exact opposite action. Rage on noble Taurus; no one is the boss of you! Lucky Numbers- Whatever you want them to be. Gemini (Which Twin will you be this week?) May 21- June 20 You will make a bold decision and stick with it for at least 5 minutes before changing your mind at least 19 times before finally making a panicked last minute de- cision which you won't be fully satisfied with. You will make at least 7 long term plans about what to be when you grow up none of which you will remember the next day enabling you to embark on a whole new direction which you don't quite understand. Lucky Numbers- 8, 9, 16. No wait, make that 7, 14, 79, wait no, oh screw it lucky numbers are pointless anyways! Cancer (‘The Frolicking Crab) June 21- July 22 Two irrelevant characters on Beverly Hills 90210, who only you know the names of, will break up in this week's episode causing you to sink into a deep depres- sion while analyzing what you did to make this happen. This depression will last until the next week's episode in which they will get back together and you will be elated and believe in the existence of God again. Cheers to you dear Cancer for understanding that moderation is overrated. Lucky numbers- 0, 99. Leo (The Lionheart) July 23- August 22 You will achieve what you believe to be the greatest of all accomplishments this week and stop at nothing to ensure everyone in the universe appreciates it. Your self promotion will take a hit however as you will spend at least 2 hours every morning staring at your glory in the mirror wasting valuable public gloating time. Lucky numbers- You don't need luck with a face like that baby! Virgo (Virginity is a blessing) August 23- Septem- ber 22 You will clean your apartment 5 times tomorrow be- fore heading over to at least 8 of your friends homes to nag at them about the mess they're living in. Once back home you will discover a paper clip resting next to the paperclip box on your desk and scold yourself whole- heartedly for being such a slob. Unclean equals impure and you just can't have that. You will now notice that some ink has gone from this newsprint to your fingers, immediately throw down this paper and head straight to the bathroom to scrub your entire body free of filth. Lucky numbers- Let's not mess up this perfectly good newspaper by marking it up with numbers. Libra (For every decision a scale) September 23- October 22 Every decision you make this week will take at least 10 hours to weigh the options causing you to miss every opportunity that comes your way. There is no such thing as a good decision and knowing this enables you to do the only reasonable thing and make none. Even if the scales favor one side heavily over another this prob- ably just means they need to be recalibrated. Lucky numbers- 16, but don’t take anybody's word for it. Scorpio (The Hot Blooded Scorpion) October 23- November 21 You will be extremely intense and focused this week as your life has no middle ground. Come Friday you will give your partner the greatest sex of their lives and then the weekend will be spent screaming, yelling, and freaking out over the performance of whatever sports team you choose to follow. Dont let anyone tell you to calm down, YOU ARE CALM DAMNIT THEY’RE THE ONES WHONEED TO SETTLE DOWN!!! Lucky Numbers- 14, 57, 88, 89. Bet the farm accord- ingly. Sagittarius (The Spaced out Archer) November 22- December 21 Any money left in your wallet will be spent by the time you're finished reading this. This will not bother you as money is just another thing that occurs natur- ally in the great flow of life. By next week you will most likely be in another country doing exactly what you did yesterday except with different scenery. You will profess your undying love, and eventually break the hearts of at least 7 studs/babes during the weekend, a rate of approximately 1 per every 5 hours, but will be completely oblivious to their very existence on this planet by the following morning, Lucky Numbers- All of them. Groovy. Capricorn (The Sprinting Goat) December 22- January 19 In two days time you will have your best friends job and be married to his/her current partner. There is no one you wouldn't push in front of a bus to reach an inch higher on the social ladder, and that is com- pletely rationale. You will be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by January and arrange for the firing of every single person who you ever suspected of not liking you whether they work for your company or not. Lucky Numbers- Just steal all the numbers from the other signs, you need them more anyway. Aquarius (Someone's got to move the water) Janu- ary 20- February 18 This does not relate to you because if you are an Aquarius then you wouldn't be wasting your time with such useless dribble when you have such important calculations to make. Newsflash! Tomorrow morning you will wake up just as alone as you did this morning, but companionship would just get in the way of your important work anyway. Lucky Numbers- Luck is a whimsical man made phenomenon invented by mer- chants to maximize capital and has no relevant value. Pisces (Cuz Fish are Totally Interesting!) February 19- March 20 You were hungover this morning but have gotten over it by now as you are no doubt drunk by the time you've managed to pick up this paper. You will tap into your psyche and speak to your sub conscious gaining a totally clear understanding about the meaning of life, but then will take that lost shot and become too dizzy to remember the thoughts that you would never be responsible enough to write down. You will make a mental note to start carrying a tape recorder wher- ever you go to speak into, this will not benefit anyone. You will reach complete Nirvana before going to sleep tonight, just like you do every night and will start the whole process again in the morning. Liver transplants will be incredibly advanced by the time you're middle aged and that's just great. Maple Syrup News The news that lacks credibility and style Haakon Sullivan - Columnist/Production Coordinator Sex and the City UNBC Edition Kali Flick - Columnist/General Office Assistant Scientists in Geneva may have found the world’s newest environmental crisis. In a press conference, Dr. Bess Erwisser of the World Institute of Technology, Life, En- vironmental, and Social Sciences (WIT- LESS) announced that their team in Gen- eva has discovered that there has been a massive increase in the number of clouds in the sky. “We counted the number of clouds over a five year period, and the results are start- ling,’ stated Dr. Erwisser in his thick Swiss accent. “We observed that there was an average increase of 10 clouds per square kilometer per year and, if the trend con- tinues, we will see over 10 million clouds per square kilometer by the year 2050.’ “It’s most likely due to too many people taking hot showers.” He pointed at a graph showing a line shooting upwards. “As you can see, there are more and more people taking hot showers after a long stressful day and there are more clouds forming in the sky. Clearly more people need to start taking cold showers to make sure that no more steam goes into the ait.” The research project started in 2004 after Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi put a motion in the EU to find the reason why Russian Prime Minister Vladmir Pu- tin looked so pale. “Seriously, a guy like him should be more tan. As a KGB agent, he must have been outside in the Caribbean or South America somewhere, shooting the bad guys and get- ting the women. Just like James Bond,’ said Berlusconi in his speech to the EU Parlia- ment. The motion passed unanimously as no one wanted Berlusconi to go on compating himself to James Bond like he did at the last Christmas party. WITLESS was then granted fifty million Euros to look into the matter."It was a tight budget,” remarked Dr.Erwisser when asked about the project's funding. “While sitting at the resort and counting the clouds, our staff could only drink Perrier instead of a satisfying local beer. One staff member quit at the indignity.” When asked about the consequences of having a sky filled with clouds, Dr. Erwisser replied, “Have you ever skied or played football on a cloudy day? It’s a tragedy that will kill the sports industry! I want to see Switzerland win the FIFA cup!” This research is not without its skeptics however. The Scottish Water Heating As- sociation (SWHA) held a press conference immediately after WITLESS had theirs. “Look, there is no solid evidence of sun- light disappearing anytime soon. It’s a big scam funded by the miserable people who cant enjoy a hot shower. Hell, I haven't seen a cloud in two years!” Grimwald said with a smile on his face as the rain pounded around us in Edinburgh, Scotland. “So feel free to continue enjoying those hot showers. Remember, if it ain't hot, it ain't worth having!” A quick survey done by our pollsters shows that 55% refuse to stop taking hot showers, 35% will stop immediately to pro- tect the world, and 10% immediately ran off crying about the end of the world. To help cease Global Clouding, the world environmental group Greenplace has now announced that September will now be known as Smelltember where no man, woman, or child will shower for a full month, “Look man, corporate can’t sell us their shower bull****,” said Greenplace President Al Leaf while he was chained to a hump- back whale during their anti-whaling cam- paign. “They made those ****ing clouds by selling us their bull**** and...” The inter- view was cut short as the Japanese whaling ship turned on their water cannons. One activist yelled, “You pig! You see the steam going into the air from those things?” “We need to work together for a cloud- less future,’ Dr. Erwisser said solemnly at the conference. “For our children, For our children’s children. Do you really want them to look like ghosts? Besides, what good are the solar panels on my new summer home if you don't do anything?” Global Clouding: Is it a Swiss swindle or global gonorrhea? Maybe Berlusconi got a bit of both while the world looks for his answer. When it comes to money, men tend to take more risks and don't save for emergencies. Men use money as a scorecard and some seem to struggle with self-esteem when there are financial prob- lems. Women tend to see money more as a security issue, so we save for that just in case moment. But at the same take women perceive money as a way to create a lifestyle, Money is always a sticky topic to bring up in a relationship, whether deciding who will pay for dinner or how to divide the bills. Smart couples talk about money. Those who don't talk about money and plan their finances together may be headed for financial trouble — if they're not already in it. When you work together on your finances, you can compound the results. When you don't, the same can be said for the mistakes you will habitually be making. In general, two heads are better than one. It will probably be easier to save more money together than either of you can save alone. Cou- ples who plan together have a better chance of being happy togeth- er, By planning your finances together, you will drastically improve your chances of larger savings and being happier together. A couple needs to get on the same page early on and move forward together which may seem more difficult that one individual to make finan- cial plans, but this is misleading as you both must understand your opinions on the value of money and what your final goal is. I was reading an article online earlier this week from a series called My Messy Bedroom, and this particular article was titled “Investing in your Relationship,’ by Josey Vogels. Vogels spoke of similarities between the way individuals handle money and their relationships. Vogels then quoted, TD Senior Vice President Patri- cia Lovett-Reid, “Good relationships and sound investment strate- gies are based on the same principles: open lines of communica- tion with your partner or your financial advisor; research, into the individual or the investment opportunity; and above all, acceptance that nothing is guaranteed - in love or finances. To some degree, a bit of risk makes life exciting - we have to put ourselves out there to grow as people or grow our investments. If we stay within a narrow comfort zone without ever stepping outside of it, we can miss out on great rewards.’ I found it very interesting to compare the way I handle my money and the way I handle my relationship. Vogels provided a short quiz to determine how your relationship predicts your investing style. Take the Quiz: 1. Ata wedding, a stranger asks you to dance. You: a.) Grill them about their relation to the couple; you don’t want to look silly dancing with some wedding crasher (1 pt) b.) Say yes and strike up a friendly conversation (2 pts) c.) Say yes, keeping in mind that the dance floor will be a good vantage point to scope out other potential partners (3 pts) 2. Within a few hours of meeting someone, they'll know: a.) Your name (1 pt) b.) That you're free on Saturday (3 pts) c.) Your e-mail address and phone number (2 pts) 3. How would you say you meet most of your dates? a.) You ask your friends to set you up with friends they think would be a good match (2 pts) b.) You prefer the nightlife scene, and have considered speed dat- ing (3 pts) c.) Ads for internet dating are the closest you come to a real con- nection (1 pt) 4, A typical first date for you would be: a.) Sunday dinner with your family (1 pt) b.) Does going for pizza after the bar closes count as a date? (3 pts) c.) Dinner and a movie (2 pts) 5, The cutie in accounting gives you a special smile when you drop off the invoices. You: a.) Turn and run back to your cubicle (1 pt) b.) Smile back and ask how their day is going (2 pts) c.) Write your phone number on their arm (3 pts) 6. A typical question you would ask someone on a first date is: a.) How did you like the movie? (2 pts) b.) What was your name again? (3 pts) c.) Have you ever considered a destination wedding? (1 pt) 7. What is your perfect date?: a.) Four hours at a coffee shop: you have a lot of questions and really want to get to know someone (1 pt) b.) Bungee jumping or something original, the‘same old same old’ gets boring (3 pts) c.) Walk in the park considering it both a good place to talk and there is enough distraction that it won't be awkward (2 pts) 8. You miss a call from a number you don't recognize. You: a.) Call back excitedly: you gave your number out to a couple cuties this weekend (3 pts) b.) Ignore it (1 pt) c.) Wait by your phone, hoping they'll call back (2 pts) If you scored 8 to 11 points: Wake up! You may be sitting on the sidelines of love and money. Whether it is because you've been burned before or because you are afraid of rejection, you aren't taking even the most calculated risks and you're going to miss out. You need to get in the game! If you scored 12 to 17 points: Congrats! You may be well balanced when it comes to love and to finances. You know what you're looking for in a mate and won't settle until you find it - but you realize it may take some patience. If you scored 18 to 24 points: Look out! You may be a serial dater and potentially a risky inves- tor. Try nurturing your financial portfolio just like a solid relation- ship--you can't do this if you are in and out. Quiz: Vogels, Josey. “Investing in your Relationships.” My Messy Bedroom. (2009).