Over The Edge Page 14 Fun and Comics March 12, 2001

Corone Rates The Somewhat Questionable Super Heroes!

By Brad Kirkland

Superman: The Superest of
Super Heroes

Powers: Horrible, scalding
heat rays coming out of his
eyes, unlimited strength,
indestructibility, x-ray vision,
and the benefit of really, real-
ly stupid friends that can't
realize that if Clark Kent were
to muss up his hair and take
off his glasses, he would
become the world's chief
defender of democracy.
Commentary: Personally, if |
had X-ray vision and heat-ray
eyes, | don't think I'd take on
the mission of "defending
democracy," because | per-
sonally can't see any possible
way to hurt an economic prin-
cipal. Its not like you can look
up democracy or communism
in the phone booth, go to one
of their houses and punch
them in the gut, otherwise the
cold war would have resolved
itself in a far more entertain-
ing fashion. No, | think I'd use
my heat-ray eyes to impress
chicks, or maybe guarantee
my usefulness on Survivor. If
you can't figure out what I'd
do with x-ray vision, you
belong on Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire.

Then there's that whole
"Kryptonite" thing,
Superman's only weakness.
How is it that coming into
contact with a pebble from
the planet a fellow used to
live on, will bring about
severe mono symptoms?

| give Superman 3 out of 5
pebbles of Kryptonite

Young Ivanhoe: Using the
Mystic Powers of Richard
the__ Lionhearted-Psionic
Uberking

Powers: None really, once an
episode he calls on "the
power of King Richard," and
then King Richard kinda
perks up in his cell some-
where and says, "Oh,
Ivanhoe has to cut some-
one's sword in half again,"
and Richard does some sort
of incantation and Ivanhoe's
sword starts to glow.
Commentary: Well, of all the
Christian-era crusades
heroes to pop up on Teletoon
after three in the morning,
Young Ivanhoe is only a bit
less pathetic than Young
Robin Hood, and _ slightly

behind Young Redbeard (yes
| know it was a different time
period) because Young
Ivanhoe appears to be over
the age of twelve. The plot is
basically: Young Prince John
has a bug up his ass because
he's British and wealthy, so
once a week or so he tries to
kill Young Ivanhoe because
the ladies like him better.
Basic villain tactics, most of
which begin with kidnapping
someone and end _ with
Ivanhoe cutting someone's
sword in half.

Young Ivanhoe gets 1 glow-
ing sword out of 5.

Captain Planet_and_ the
Planeteers: _Greenpeace
with Elemental Magick. Not
Just__Ineffective. Super
Ineffective!

Powers: Well, Captain Planet
can fly and hurt people,
which in its own right is one
power more than | have. The
Planeteers are pretty cool
too, four of them have rings
that control the four elements,
and then there's the fifth
Planeteer some androgynous
Brazilian kid with a "Heart"
ring that has no useful pow-
ers other than to help sum-
mon Captain Planet and call
for help to the useful
Planeteers when he/she get's
kidnapped by Exxon.
Commentary: | respect
uncompromising people, or
super-powered plasma-
based green-peacers as they
may be, and Captain Planet
is as uncompromising as they
come. Like Superman, he's
practically indestructible, but
Captain Planet doesn't give a
damn about murderers or
bank robbers; if someone
spits their gum down a storm
drain though, BAM it's spine-
breaking time! WellO maybe
he didn't break any spines (it
was a kid's show after all), but
he COULD have! The
Planeteers had their good
points, but they were as intel-
ligent as a legion of George
Bush Jr's -- for example, if |
needed to peacefully save
the little sea otters being
coated in oil by a leaking
freighter, | don't think | would
let loose a barrage of fireballs
at the boat. Well... maybe /
might. Yeah... and if / was a
Planeteer I'd probably beat

the crap out of that Brazilian
kid and take his/her "Heart"
ring so | didn't have to rescue
him/her every week. Maybe
that's why I'm not a
Planeteer.

! give Captain Planet and the
Planeteers 4 r@agic rings out
of 5 (the fifth of course
belonging to the androgy-
nous kid, who has unfortu-
nately been kidnapped by the

Lyonstell Petrochemical
Company).
The Original Power

Rangers: Do | Really Need
to Say Anything Here?

Powers: They've discovered

THE SToRN THUS FARE
KATHLEEN = Gl. Foomo }!

NEED &
DEMON HUNTER! |

MEANWHILE- AT
OVERTIHE ENCE.

DEMONS / THEN

MUST BE HERE

To TAKE THIS
ont 1,

our civilization's best kept
secret: Although wearing
spandex does little more than
freak people out, wearing
spandex and a matching
motorcycle helmet makes
you a master of hand-to-hand
combat and gives you control
of gigantic robotic dinosaurs.
Try it! | did! ~

Commentary: Ahh Power
Rangers... that cheaply made
super hero team from our col-
lective adolescence. Like so
many other television shows
of our past, its good to check
back on our television friends
to ask ourselves deep ques-

EARS HAS

BLasteo !!

SHE'S OB WMOUSLY BEEN
Gi46wnN THROUGH To
SOMEWHERE —AND
THAT MZANS THAT
THINGS CKW COME
Out - TO Ou,

Srnension ! ert
E: | |

PER PRESENCE SVER THERE

ZS CREATING A

TEMPORAL OS TURBENCEF

WE-CAN'T SEAL THE
PoRTAL UNTIL THE
DEMENSIONS BRE
BALANCEDSL!

WHERE'S
BREEN TOTALLY KATALEEN?| Nou?

tions like, "Who's a porn-
star?" and "Who ended up
with a regular spot on Who's
Line is it Anyways?" and the
ever popular, "Who's on crack
because no one will ever cast
them in another show?"

| give the Power Rangers
nothing, because you really
can't expect much for a group
of super-heroes that didn't
have the brains to figure out
that they could have
bypassed all that hand-to-
hand combat if they had just
gotten into their robots and
stepped on their enemy.

But | WHOTKE ( TREveR-

HELL ARE | oemons

THAT'S Toe,
OveR COMPUTER,

HELL 1S Gorse
H] om? THERE'S
ENT Wiehe Purr
: TRINGSs ALL
over THE
frace tif