i2Culture

Action Movies to

Colin Slark
Editor in Chief

ou might remember that old Monty

Python bit where someone’s cat is
stuck in a rut, and the only solution to the
problem is to confuse it. Previously science
had thought that this method only worked
on felines, but a new study has proven that
a good confusing can shake human beings
out of a rut. If you are a human being, say, a
university student in need of a distraction
from school work over the coming semesters,
try watching one of these stupid action
movies to help you recover your focus.
Warning: the movies on this list are sure to
amuse and confuse you.

Tango & Cash (1989)

Tango (Sylvester Stallone) is a stuck-up, loose
cannon cop. Cash (Kurt Russell) is a slobby,
loose cannon cop. Both of them are so good
at their jobs that LA’s most dangerous drug
kingpin frames them for murder, and has
them sent to a maximum security prison
that he controls. Tango and Cash hate each
other, but are forced to work together

to save their lives, and catch the bad

guy. With baffling internal logic, elaborate
and nonsensical set pieces, and unnatural
dialogue, Tango & Cash transcends being a
bad movie and becomes a fantastic picture
of action films that were made before irony
became a major feature of dumb action films.

Memorable quote: “I see you’re not counting
calories. Maybe you're too busy counting

”

the money they paid you to set us up!
The One (2001)

Jet Li stars in this science fiction take on
Highlander. In this fictional reality, there
exist a large number of parallel universes
that have a multi-dimensional police force
to oversee law and order throughout all
the worlds. One of these dimensional cops,
Gabriel Yulaw (Jet Li), discovers that when
a version of a person in one dimension

is killed, all that person’s life force is
distributed to all his or her counterparts
across the multiverse. Yulaw goes on a killing
spree, growing more and more powerful
until only a handful of Yulaw remain.

cop, recruits one of the remaining Yulaws

to help him stop evil Yulaw from gaining
ultimate power. With crazy action scenes and
an intense performance from Jet Li as several
Yulaws, The One is a great way to kill a couple
hours.

Memorable quote: “I am Yulaw! I am
nobody’s bitch! You are mine.”

Commando (1985)

Never before or since this movie has there
been a film so corny, yet so lovable. Matrix
(Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the greatest
soldier in the world, but has retired in
order to raise his daughter. One day, his
daughter is kidnapped and to get her back,
he must undertake a mission to assassinate
a South American dictator for a group of
mercenaries. Matrix quickly escapes the
grasp of his handlers and goes into action
to rescue his daughter, and kill the men
who kidnapped her. The action scenes are
extremely well done and there is a good
sense of humour about the movie, but the

aA ARTA" JON CARPENTER ALAN HM

GUILD FILMA DISTRIBUTION LTD

NY BXTGDEms

Gili “

ALE ELS ex fo Le On CARPENTERS
|

THU
SHEP CORDON w

dialogue and characterization turns a rote
revenge story into an endearing popcorn
flick. Memorable quote: “Remember Sully
when I said I’d kill you last? I lied.”

They Live (1988)

Recently deceased Canadian wrestling
legend “Rowdy” Roddy Piper stars in this
silly action movie as John Nada, a drifter that
accidentally stumbles into a conspiracy. After
finding a pair of seemingly magic sunglasses,
Nada is able to see the real truth behind the
world; that humanity is being controlled by a
sinister external force. Armed with his magic
sunglasses and a shotgun,Nada sets out to
free the human face from tyranny, vigilante
style. Decidedly sillier and less star studded
than director John Carpenter’s other 1980s
classics, They Live manages to be stupid fun,
but also manages an interesting critique on
consumer culture and wealth.

Memorable quote: “I have come here
to chew bubblegum and kick ass...
and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

Who are they...
and what do they want?

IP ODOY PIPEREITHOAVD- EG FOSTER
a ANDRE BLA ANDY KING °°" ARRY FRANCO "rN CARPENTER

A