Over the Edge + December 9th, 2009 Maple Syrup News The news that lacks credibility and style Haakon Sullivan - Columnist/Production Coordinator Looks like Santa won't be coming to BC this year. Canadian government agencies and organizations refuse to ‘get jolly with the Christmas spirit” accord- ing to Mr. Claus, who currently cannot fly in Canad- ian airspace or travel on BC roads, It all began when Transport Canada decided to do a snap inspection of Santa's sleigh after there were a number of complaints about the way it was flying last year. “People were reporting that it was flying without any discernible engine,’ remarked Beau Rocrat the new head inspector of Transport Canada. “When we brought up the file, the last report from 50 years ago said that the sleigh ran on something called ‘magic’ which we deemed to be highly suspicious and a possible threat to public safety.’ When the inspectors arrived at Santas Work- shop in the North Pole, Mr. Rocrat said that Claus his fist through the gingerbread town lying on his desk.“ You try to spread the Christmas spirit but the governments nowadays always smockblocks it with their rules and regulations. There was a day when they actually gave me a tax credit and a handshake to do my work. Now they're forcing me and my elves to pay into something called EI and CPP! I also have to let them unionize! One hour lunch break my ass!” Santa then looked to provincial regulators to examine the legality of operating the sleigh on their roads. Under public pressure, most of the provinces agreed to let his sleigh operate on the roads and Al- berta even let him do it without the proper inspec- tions. The Ministry of Transportation for Alberta released a statement saying, “It just ain't Christmas without Santa. Me, my pa, and pa’s pa had ‘im so should our young ‘uns!” “It's unbelievable!” shouted Santa as he slammed his fist through the ginger- bread town lying on his desk. “You try to spread the Christmas spirit but the governments nowadays always smockblock it with their rules and regulations.’ refused to cooperate with the inspectors. Rocrat claimed that Claus was in clear distress over their arrival, only heightening their suspicions. “From their French-Canadian accents I thought it was friends of that Stephane Dion again wishing for him to become Prime minister,’ commented Santa from his North Pole office. “I should have listened more closely to what they were saying, but once you've heard one Frenchman you've heard them all.” ‘The inspectors got to see the sleigh by waiting until Mr. Claus feel asleep after his usual evening cookie and candy cane brandy and asking Mrs. Claus if they could come in. “She was very cooperative,’ said Mr. Rocrat with a big smile. “She gave us some fruitcake and mittens and let us right in to see the sleigh. It was the most baffling sight I’ve seen.’ Rocrat said that observed many different viola- tions. There were no safety belts, no secure cargo hold, and the only propulsion mechanism was rein- deer with one of them having a nose which exceeds the brightness standard for landing lights, Most worrisome of all is that Santa doesnt even have a pilot's license. “This is not an aircraft. This is barely even a vehicle! How this device flies is anyone's guess. ‘Therefore we decided to declassify this... thing as a method of aviation. We care about traditional icons obviously, so we classified it as a minivan, We can't have Santa Claus walking!” “Tt’s unbelievable!” shouted Santa as he slammed Poster Bandit Strikes Again! You may all notice that the bulletin and event boards around the campus have been... well, righted, shall we say. Old posters, from SEPTEMBER even, have been removed. No, it was not security, nor the janitors. It was I, the Poster Bandit! Who is the Poster Bandit you may ask? And why the hell do we care, you may ponder? We'll I'll TELL YOU! I am just like you: a curious student, seeking an- swers beyond the books that break our woeful wal- lets: a home to live, a place to volunteer, or striving to learn what is going on in our school and com- munity. On a late night voyage to place posters of my own, encouraging good and righteousness in the cold bowels of Prince George, I was aghast at the difh- culty this simple task was mired: cluttered boards, riddled with posters and advertisements well be- yond the date of past events. How are we supposed to find answers among all that crap? If we wanted to be bombarded by repetitive images wed seen a million times, wed turn on the TV and watch the Simpsons for the millionth time! But that night, I decided to take a stand! What began as tearing down one poster past its prime became another, and then another. I went on a feverish journey to rid the hallways of colourful prints that no longer held the same promise they did before. I sought the other areas that I knew about and began to take All provinces but one decided to allow Santa's Sleigh to move on their roads. ICBC inspected his sleigh and deemed it inappropriate for use in BC. “We examined it and it doesn't meet our criteria for a safe road vehicle,’ said Moe Vil of ICBC from the brimstone smelling Langley branch. “It didn't |” have a front license plate. Besides, it’s for the best. Did you know that research shows that people drive better when they're miserable? If Santa was on the road, people would be happy. We don't want that do we?” Santa was flabbergasted at the news. Eating a popcorn bucket of his wife's cookies he mumbled, “Tf BC wants to shut me out then fine! I would send all of their kids some coal for this stupidity, but they have it hard enough. They have an Olympics to pay for when they get older and...” Santa paused in reflection. The bucket dropped to the floor and a tear fell from his eye.“ Those kids don’t deserve that. They need to enjoy their childhood while they can before they crushed by the system. I’ll FedEx each of them a gift if that’s what it takes!” Even through all the setbacks and red tape, Santa Claus will still be around. He may have taken a few blows from a system that doesn’t hold him as dear anymore but Father Christmas still keeps on go- ing. Remember, if you hear a knock on the door on Christmas Day, Santa will be there to dish out the Christmas cheer. Unless you live in BC. Then you need to get your credit card ready to pay $25 for shipping. those down as well: festivals, classes, pub nights? Sounds like a great time! What's this? They were yesterday? And the posters are still up!? Not on my watch! (Except the ones really high up. Damn you, tall posters!) To quote one of my favourite super heroes,” People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Bruce Wayne, as a man I’m flesh and blood I can be ignored, I can be destroyed; but as a symbol, as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting:’ Now I may not have a fancy costume or super powers, but last I checked, I had a bitchin’‘stach just in time for the end of Movember. But Batman's words ring true: I want to be a change for social justice, a symbol. Not one that can be stopped by negative attitudes, apathetic people, or hell, even graduating years down the road! What I stand for is social change, the promotion of the shar- ing of knowledge and the betterment of commun- ity. Students can't do that if their outlets for these heroic qualities are cluttered, messy or even ignored (we're talking about the bulletin boards here). ‘These are not just posters, these are a symbolic representation for the change that students and teachers demand and deserve. To me, these aren't just nice coloured pieces of paper, but a twinkle in someones eye when they hear of a dire cause and think “we need to do something!” And I'm fully aware these boards are “monitored” by NUGGS Stephanie McCullough - ‘e STEPHANIE MCCULLOUGH MANAGING EDITOR Weird personable Blogs: Peopleofwalmart.com Peopleofpublictransit.com Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com I am truly into blogs lately because they are so easily up- dated and full of un-commercialized information, allow- ing the writer to give us his/her opinion however he/she feels. I also love websites that solely depend on their read- ers to supply the content. Plus, these ones are funny; funny breaks up the work day, Check’em out next time you have a paper due. Awesome Techno Music: David Guetta“ Toyfriend” Of course I wasn’t fast enough to get tickets, live and learn. Please listen to this song and realize he has more hits than the ones doubled with Akon. Benny Benassi VS Public Enemy “Bring the Noise” ‘This beat is sooo hyphy man. It is truly the epitome of progressive trance, I don’t know how someone could not completely rave out with this playing. Enjoy at your own risk, Leg Warmers: Yes, I said it. Please don't throw things at me. I have not yet bought a pair but I’m going to very soon, I like wearing Opinion 7 5 Things I’m in Love with this Week Columnist/Managing Editor skirts to work; I don't like wearing tights. What does one do in this dilemma? Well, since I haven't found the per- fect pair of boots, I will settle for some wool covering my legs while I scrape off my car in the morning. I’m equating them to quick-release snow pants. Hopefully when I buy them and wear them for the first time I don’t throw myself off a cliff for appearing too scene. Corporate Squabbles: TELUS sues Rogers for claiming they have the“most re- liable network’. Okay, excusable. TELUS won the case be- cause their new joint venture with Bell (HSPA+ anyone) covers the most Canadians on a faster network, What does reliability mean truly? Dropped calls, or plausibly consistent service? Anyone that has driven from PG to Vancouver knows that there are dead zones along the way. Maybe this HSPA+ means that we can now have a 9 hour long conversation (using a handsfree apparatus of course!) January 1° is not very far away. Wow, way off track, any- way. Rogers is now suing Bell for claiming to be the fastest. Rogers isn't winning. Poor Conglomerate. Curly Hair: We can all thank Taylor Swift for completely ridding our society of the pin-straight style. Yo, imma let you finish but pin-straight hair has been the best style of all time, of all time. Sorry faithful readers. Sex and the City UNBC Edition _ Kali Flick - Columnist/General Office Assistant At one point or another in their life, everyone has felt the urge to deliver an ultimatum. There are certain things in your life that are not negotiable. Trust. Commitment. Safety. Consideration, Love. So when these aspects of our life aren't being met, why not say “You know, this is so important to me that you need to do this—or else?” If an ul- timatum speaks to a greater good, is it okay? No matter what the justification is, we deliver ultimatums out of anger, fear, and frustration, Sometimes we settle for people, other times people do not live up to who we thought they were, and yet other times we are just plain wrong with the choices that we make. When we do not recognize this and reach a boiling point while ignor- ing the obvious—that our partners are who they are and no words are going to change them, we consider ultimatums. I hate admitting that, but it’s true... and everyone, I believe, thinks about changing their partner to some degree. If he just did ‘this’ then it wouldn't be an issue. But that’s not who he is. Hmm... so here is the di- lemma. Does this mean that you are in a relationship that is not right for you? Is it you being picky, or is it your partner whom doesnt fit your lifestyle and relationship requirements. I’ve talked myself out of anything logical before with the simple thought a rela- tionship takes more than love. Which 1 100% agree with, but just because I love someone do I have to give in to ultimatum’s or put in effort in areas I'm not willing, (and vice versa)? People can recognize the need, bene- fits, and reasons to change. They can- not be forced to act on this, though. Talk, in the end, is a very cheap com- modity. Empty threats are cruel and manipulative, and the girl who cries breakup eventually gets called on her bluff. Being on the receiving end of an ultimatum can be even worse than delivering one, and beware: the mere suggestion of one is enough to make some people tempted to end things themselves. I think sometimes that delivering an ultimatum is also some- times just a way to get out of making a decision about the relationship. I've been here before, just throwing my issues onto his shoulders, he can deal with it. Well that's really fair. If I'm unhappy and unsure about the future, shouldn't I be deciding first whether it’s truly something I can't live with and don't see changing, or whether it’s worth trying to fix? If it's worth it, then start working to fix things, but bringing it up with your partner is most definitely the higher road, Who wants to be on route of bending over backwards in order not to lose him potentially for some silly unresolved issue? The Backwards Evolution of Language ECATERINA CIUGUREANU CONTRIBUTOR Now Iam not pointing any fingers (ahem capitalism and Lauren and PGPIRG. However, they are so busy trying to get events going (typically via these posters) and promote change, they don't have time to take down every little itty-bitty poster that’s served its purpose. In fact, this shows me that these groups are under staffed and need more people to volunteer and help them out! Go beyond the posters and make change Conrad ahem), but we are either getting dumber or much more ef- yourself! Become the symbol that Batman tried to be. What he stood for couldn't be shot, burned, jailed or destroyed, so long as the people he saved ficient when it comes to our day-to-day communication, Quickies are not only for regretful sexual encounters anymore. We shorten our words, and then we shorten those words, and then we are left with: Obvs- used when something is so clear to the observer it is not were inspired to take back the streets! And for those of you wondering of the fate of the poor old posters I removed, fear not. First of all, 1 even worthy of the other syllables only removed those that were no longer of use; Save — BRB - used by those excusing themselves to the bathroom while on MSN and idiots Ridonk - classic case of extremity amputation of a slang word. Nemo Night was great, but unless there's another fundraiser for him, he can sleep in whatever fish bowl he finds for now. Second, I have every inten- tion of giving the accumulated pile (and it is quite a load!) of papers to the Rez Council and PGPIRG where I know they'll be given a second life or turned Invented by the only ethnic person on Laguna Beach ever, the word ridonkulous swept girls with extensions off their blister cov- ered feet EVERYWHERE. I mean, common, it is SO ridiculous, it is RIDONKULOUS. into something pretty. Hell, you have every bit of | FML -short for “fuck my life” and used by every self respecting my own advocation to take down your own old university student during the exam week posters and use them for free printing paper, those Vag - because there will always be a severe shortage of slang for picky teachers be damned! This is supposed to be a GREEN University, so let's act like it! female and male unmentionables Fuckin’ A’ - where “a” is truly a mystery Slut ‘fest - well, a large gathering of sluts is always a festive oc- casional, so this is one is self explanatory Xmas - because we are secular like that