EXPLORING ATTACHMENT SCIENCE: AN INTRODUCTORY RETREAT FOR COMMITTED COUPLES by Kristy Bachman BSC, Trinity Western University, 2000 PROJECT SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF MASTER OF EDUCATION IN COUNSELLING UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN BRITISH COLUMBIA April, 2022 © Kristy Bachman, 2022 ii Abstract Attachment is well established as a fundamental component of long-term partner relationships. Patterns of attachment, between adult partners, hold potential to strengthen or erode the relational bond. Furthermore, partner attachment dynamics have been linked to the long-term emotional and physical wellbeing of both partners. At present, effective in-depth adult attachment resources and interventions are available in various formats. This project adds to the available repertoire of adult attachment resources by providing a three-day introductory retreat focusing on attachment theory fundamentals and skills for developing healthy attachments in relationships. This three-day retreat utilizes interactive partner and group activities along with group therapy sessions. In addition, this couples’ program introduces mindfulness and gratitude practices that support secure partner interactions. This retreat program is intended to be an initial introduction to attachment science and is designed to generate openness and a desire for further engagement with adult attachment resources. iii Acknowledgement I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude for the people who have made this project possible. First, I would like to thank my husband, Sean Jang, for loving and supporting me each day. Secondly, I would like to thank my project supervisors, Dr. John Sherry and Dr. Linda O’Neill for sharing their expertise, passion and time with me throughout my graduate degree; I have enjoyed learning from, and working with, both of you. In addition, I would like to thank Dr. John Sherry for providing ongoing support, encouragement, feedback and resources as I worked through each phase of this project. I would also like to thank Dr. Linda O’Neill, and my committee member Maria Walsh, for reviewing and providing valuable feedback to my written work. Finally, I would like to thank my friends and my family members for supporting and encouraging me on this journey. I appreciate each one of you. iv Table of Contents Abstract ii Acknowledgement iii Table of Contents iv Chapter One: Introduction 1 Significance of the Project 2 Background of the Project 4 Overview of the Project 6 Summary 7 Chapter Two: Literature Review 8 Adult Attachment Background 8 Adult Attachment Bond Formation 9 Adult Attachment Types Secure Attachment Secure Attachment Significance Attachment Anxiety Attachment Avoidance Attachment Type Stability 10 11 11 12 13 14 Attachment Dynamics in Partner Relationships Insecure Attachment Cycles 14 15 Cultivating Secure Attachment in Partner Relationships Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples Efficacy of Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples Gratitude Gratitude and Partner Dynamics Mindfulness Mindfulness and Individual Wellbeing Mindfulness and Partner Dynamics Efficacy and Selection of Mindfulness-Based Interventions Savouring 16 16 17 18 18 19 19 20 21 21 Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions 22 Broaden-and-Build Cycle of Attachment Security 22 Attachment and Group Therapy 23 Couples and Group Therapy 24 Group Therapy Stages Overview 25 v The Initial Stage The Transition Stage The Working Stage The Ending Stage Summary Chapter Three: Project Plan 25 26 26 27 27 28 Target Audience 28 Retreat Structure 28 Location Considerations 29 Confidentiality and Group Safety 29 Embedding Trauma Informed Practices 30 Participant Orientation and Screening Attachment and Couple Participant Selection Assessing Couple Distress 31 31 32 Retreat Activities Overview 33 Integration of Art Therapy 33 Summary 34 References 35 Chapter Four: Retreat Facilitation Manual Chapter One: Introduction Partner relationships are among the most intimate (Johnson, 2013) and complex realities of adulthood. The array of emotional experiences potentially encountered within a couple relationship is a vast montage encompassing joy, frustration, surprise, anticipation, fear, contentment, sadness and countless other feelings and sensations. Adult attachment theory provides an insightful contextual framework for partner relationships and holds potential to demystify complexities germane to intimacy (Davila & Kashy, 2009; Johnson, 2019). According to adult attachment theory, tensions in partner relationships arise primarily from differences in attachment orientations and thereby attachment related needs and priorities (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Furthermore, when individuals with insecure attachment styles partner with one another, interactional patterns of insecure attachment often develop (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2008, 2013). Over time, these cycles of insecurity can erode, and in some cases sever, partner relationships. Research has revealed Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT; Johnson, 2004) as a concrete means for shifting insecure attachment patterns to more secure dynamics (Johnson, 2004, 2013, 2019). Furthermore, recent studies in EFT outcomes have shown changes in attachment – occurring during EFT – continue to positively impact partner interactions and relational satisfaction two years after the close of therapy (Wiebe et. al., 2017). The initial impetus for this adult attachment project emerged from my own relational experiences, combined with my personal journey toward increased self-awareness and thereby changes in my interior and relational patterns. The specific vision for this project – an introductory workshop presenting adult attachment theory as an effective means for 2 cultivating secure dynamics in partner relationships – emerged and solidified during my graduate studies and master’s degree practicum. Focused work for this project began with a literature review of the research in family systems and adult partner relationships. In the initial phase of the literature review process, adult attachment theory repeatedly surfaced as an effective, empirically validated framework for understanding partner relationships. Furthermore, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT; Johnson 2004), emerged as an effective means for shifting insecure partner cycles towards secure interactions. As the literature review process continued to unfold, mindfulness (Barnes et. al., 2007; Dixon & Overall, 2018; Wachs and Cordova, 2007), gratitude (Bartlett et. al., 2012; Leong et. al., 2020; Park et. al., 2019) and savouring (Borelli et. al., 2020) were revealed as reliable means for supporting healthy couple dynamics and relational satisfaction. The afore outlined literature review findings served as the foundation for the creation of the attached project: a three-day adult attachment science introduction for committed couples. This three-day retreat is designed to be offered as a doorway experience and provides a gentle, creative first look at adult attachment theory. In addition, practical means for creating and supporting secure attachment dynamics within partner relationships are explored. This project focuses on interactive, experiential activities and is intended to increase understanding, awaken hope and generate personal empowerment. Significance of the Project While positive implications of adult attachment research have held the attention of social scientists and psychologists for some time, adult attachment science is newer to broader audiences. Although mainstream publications such as Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships (Johnson, 2013) are currently in 3 circulation, adult attachment theory and means for strengthening secure attachment dynamics within partner relationships, are likely to remain unknown to some couples for several reasons. First, the literature review revealed that currently available publications regarding adult attachment primarily exist within two categories: self-help literature and academic research. As a result, couples who do not typically engage with these literary genres are unlikely to encounter written works regarding adult attachment. In addition, although adult attachment information is circulating via other means including podcasts, and online videos, these digital resources tend to fall in the self-help genre and thereby draw a particular audience. In summary, because adult attachment science holds immense potential for increasing the health of partner dynamics, and since some couples are unlikely to encounter this information via existing pathways, creating additional conduits for the introduction and proliferation of adult attachment theory is a valuable endeavour. This project adds to the current repertoire of adult attachment theory materials by providing a new interactive introductory option. The project also adds to existing adult attachment learning opportunities by focusing on experiential and interactive activities. The creation and use of introductory pathways to adult attachment information is supported by the literature. According to Davila and Kashy (2009), adult attachment theory “provides [couples] with specific knowledge about the dynamics of how relationship security and support interact and their effects on relationship outcomes” (p. 86). Furthermore, Davila and Kashy affirm “it is important to help couples learn to engage in adaptive support processes early on so that they do not engage in behaviors that will erode security” (2009, p. 86). 4 Background of the Project Relational dynamics and wellbeing discussions have held my personal and professional attention for the better part of three decades. My initial interest in these aspects of human experience was primarily self-focused. In my early and adolescent years, personal experiences of frustration, sadness, and confusion in close relationships, gave rise to significant emotional angst and a myriad of existentially rooted questions. In my early adulthood, these emotions and ponderings led me to delve into written and online information regarding relational dynamics and to then engage in my own therapy. As I worked through my interior and relational experiences, I began to see myself and relational dynamics more clearly. More specifically, I became aware of interactional patterns at play in my relationships. Furthermore, I discovered my capacity to respond to my emotions, and others, in new ways and to thereby alter these patterns or cycles. In time, changes in my relational and interior landscapes brought a felt sense of inner solidity and confidence. I emerged from my early adult life determined to live with ever increasing awareness and intentionality. During my early adult years, I also became aware of my desire to accompany and encourage others. At this time in my life, I considered enrolling in an undergraduate psychology program but ultimately decided to give myself more time grow as an individual before pursuing this field directly. I opted to complete an undergraduate degree in science and to engage in psychology and sociology courses as my electives. In my subsequent training to be a secondary school teacher, I also choose elective courses that aligned with my deeply rooted intention to pursue work in the psychological field at a later time in my life. 5 In my early twenties, I began working as a secondary school science teacher. In this work environment, I immediately noted, and began to attune to, interpersonal dynamics. From my perspective, the relational aspects of my teaching work formed the foundation for all the academic learning occurring within my classroom and the larger school community. Early in my teaching career, I began to investigate relational systems via books and workshops focusing on leadership and group dynamics. In a short time, I was viewing and interpreting all facets of my professional work through a relational systems framework. Throughout my thirties, I continued to work as a secondary school teacher. During this time, I grew in my ability to meet, support, encourage and provide learning opportunities for students in various phases of their academic and personal development. In this chapter of professional life, my desire to train and work in the field of psychology remained alive and continued to inform my decisions. I read a myriad of books relating to psychology and continued to grow in my own wellbeing and interior solidity through various means. In my late thirties, my longstanding interest in the relational facets of human experience, coupled with my indelible desire to accompany others in healing and emotional wellness, led me to pursue a master’s degree in counselling. Throughout my graduate studies, I expanded, granulated and solidified preceding layers of personal and professional development. During this formational time, I encountered a broad spectrum of therapeutic approaches and began to situate myself within a set of compatible and complementary lenses – namely the person-centered and existential frameworks – that would orient my future counselling practice. While working as a master’s degree practicum student, I embraced opportunities to gain some initial experience with family systems therapy and group therapy. My introductory experiences with system 6 modalities reinforced within me the significance of systems and the power for change embedded within them. At this time, I felt drawn to explore, and potentially specialize in a type of systems therapy. I proceeded to actively peruse academic research relating to family systems. Early in my exploration process, I encountered adult attachment theory and Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT; Johnson, 2004). As I delved further into adult attachment and emotion focused therapy, hope for couples, and by proxy family systems, stirred within me. According to Johnson (2013), adult attachment theory has “cracked the code of love… [and provided] a map [for]… creating, healing and sustaining love” (p. 26). Ultimately, Johnson’s vision and passion, along with the expansive body of research that supports Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples, inspired me to look for new, accessible means to bring adult attachment theory, EFT, and the positive implications of both, to more people. This project is an both an exploration, and an outcome, of this inspiration. Overview of the Project As previously mentioned, this project adds to existing repository of adult attachment resources by providing a new introductory pathway to adult attachment theory, and emotion focused therapy, via a three-day introductory retreat for couples. The three primary goals of the retreat are to offer adult attachment theory as a framework for understanding partner dynamics, to help couples gain insight into their relationship and to provide couples with opportunities to work on skills that cultivate secure attachment dynamics. The retreat also introduces participants to personal and relational benefits of mindfulness and gratitude practices. Furthermore, participant couples learn about various insecure relational dances (Johnson, 2008) and initial means for shifting these patterns to more secure exchanges. 7 Closing activities in the three-day retreat program connect participant couples with various next step options. Possible next steps for increasing secure attachment dynamics include Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT; Johnson, 2004), The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection (Johnson, 2015), and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT; Segal, Williams & Teasdale, 2002). Summary This introductory chapter began with an overview of the significance of adult attachment theory and its implications for adult partner relationships. The second section presented existing access points to adult attachment theory, and the value of creating additional conduits to this information. The third section of this introduction highlighted aspects of this author’s personal journey that led to an exploration of relational systems and then adult attachment literature. This introduction concluded with a brief overview of the literature review findings and the resulting project – a three-day introductory retreat exploring attachment science and its significance for couple dynamics. In the upcoming chapter – the literature review – outcomes of various studies in adult attachment science and other relevant areas of research are thematically presented. These literature review findings inform and set the stage for the final two chapters. 8 Chapter Two: Literature Review Adult Attachment Background In the field of psychology, it has long been accepted that children experience attachment and benefit dramatically from secure attachments with primary caregivers (Ainsworth et. al. 1978; Bowlby, 1969, 1988). More recently, the existence and implications of adult attachment have been explored and published in the literature (Hazan and Shaver, 1987, 1994; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Neuroscience, and other facets of attachment research, have clearly shown that human beings do not outgrow their need for close connection and a secure base; these needs remain central to personal wellbeing throughout the lifespan (Johnson, 2013, 2019; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Interestingly, Bowlby (1979, as cited in Hazan & Shaver, 1994) believed “[h]uman beings of all ages are happiest and able to deploy their talents to best advantage when they are confident… trusted persons… will come to their aid should difficulties arise” (p. 15). Adult attachment was first proposed by Hazan and Shaver in 1987. This initial conceptualization viewed romantic love as “an attachment process… experienced somewhat differently by different people [due to] variations in… attachment histories” (Hazan & Shaver, 1987, p. 511). In 1994, Hazan and Shaver published a more comprehensive theory in which they proposed that adult pair bonds (intimate partner relationships or romantic love) involve(s) three components: attachment, caregiving and sex (Hazan & Shaver 1994; Fraley & Shaver, 2000). According to this model, the attachment component or attachment bond specifically involves trusting one’s partner to be available and responsive to one’s needs (Hazan & Shaver, 1994). 9 Since the initial propositions of Hazan and Shaver, a myriad of research studies has given granularity and breadth to the germinal concepts of adult attachment. Areas of study include, but are not limited to, models of adult attachment (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991), the formation of adult attachment bonds (Fraley & Davis, 1997; Zeifman & Hazan, 2008), adult attachment stability (Girme et. al., 2018; Kirkpatrick & Hazan, 1994; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016), relationship-specific attachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016; Wiebe et. al., 2017), secure versus insecure attachment in partner relationships (Johnson, 2008, 2013), means for changing adult attachment dynamics (Johnson, 2013, 2019; Park et. al, 2019), and implications of secure versus insecure attachment in adulthood (Johnson, 2019; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Adult Attachment Bond Formation Adult attachment bonds are believed to involve the same fundamental features as childhood attachment: proximity seeking and maintenance, distress and protest in the face of separation, safe haven dynamics (turning to the other for support in times of stress) and relying on the other as a secure base for exploration and engagement in activities beyond the relationship (Fraley & Shaver, 2000; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). When a person experiences all of the above components with their partner, their partner is an attachment figure for them (Fraley & Shaver, 2000). Furthermore, when partners are attachment figures for one another, they are said to be pair or attachment bonded. Attachment bonds, in both child and adulthood, form over an extended period of time. Bowlby (1969, 1988) and Ainsworth et. al. (1978) viewed childhood attachment as a four-stage sequential process that unfolds over approximately two-years. Research in adult attachment has revealed a similar process for the development of adult attachments or adult- 10 pair bonds (Zeifman & Hazan, 2008). Although a definitive timeline for adult attachment bond development remains unclear, the existence of a multi-phase adult attachment process is well supported in the literature (Heffernan et. al., 2012; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Adult Attachment Types Ainsworth et. al. (1978) first proposed the concept of attachment styles and outlined three childhood attachment types. These original childhood attachment categories or types have held various titles in the literature the simplest of which are: secure, anxious and avoidant (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). In 1987, Hazan and Shaver proposed three adult attachment styles for intimate partner relationships that paralleled these childhood styles. As research in adult attachment continued to unfold “it became evident that… two dimensions of insecurity [underlie]… romantic attachment” (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016, p. 25). This observation gave rise to a two-dimensional model of adult attachment (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). According to the two-dimensional model, adult attachment dynamics emerge from an interplay between two fundamental components: anxiety and avoidance (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). Insecurity in one or both of these dimensions correlates with the three (or four) adult attachment types (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Fraley & Shaver, 2000; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). This project will utilize the two-dimensional model of adult attachment and will present the avoidant and anxious dimensions as the foundations from which four attachment types – secure, anxious, avoidant and anxious-avoidant – arise (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). 11 Secure Attachment According to the two-dimensional model of adult attachment (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991), secure adult attachment is characterized by low levels in both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. Securely attached adults tend to have strong beliefs in their value and self-worth and exhibit trust in others along with a tendency to reach for others in times of stress (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Furthermore, according to Mikulincer and Shaver (2016), secure individuals “generally feel sufficiently safe and protected without… activat[ing] defenses [and]… can interact with others in a confident and open way” (p. 504). Security in adulthood also involves a willingness to engage relationally by expressing emotions and working through challenges (Johnson, 2019). Secure Attachment Significance. The significance of secure adult attachment is both well established and far reaching (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Benefits of secure attachment in adulthood include, but are not limited to, a greater ability to remain calm in times of stress (Mikulincer et. al., 2001), the capacity to “reflect… rather than react” (Johnson, 2020, p. 48), a more rapid restoration of emotional balance in the wake of stressful experiences (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016) and higher levels of empathy (Johnson, 2013; Mikulincer et. al., 2001). Furthermore, in times of stress, “secure people can mobilize caring qualities within themselves… [enabling them] to feel worthy and relatively unperturbed” (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016, p. 34). Secure attachment also correlates with benevolence and self-transcendent values (Mikulincer et. al., 2003). In partner relationships, secure adults engage more fully and creatively in the caregiving (Feeney & Collins, 2001) and sexuality (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016; Johnson, 2019) aspects of the partnership. Furthermore, studies in EFT have shown that relational 12 challenges are “clearer and less onerous when they are not fused with attachment conflicts” (Johnson, 2020, p. 17). As a result, partners with secure bonds can resolve contentious matters more easily than partners with insecure dynamics (Johnson, 2013). Not surprisingly, securely attached adults consistently report greater relationship satisfaction than those with insecure attachment styles (Johnson, 2013; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Benefits of attachment security within partner relationships also extend beyond the couple. For example, Feeney (2007) found that emotional dependence (or secure attachment) in couple relationships facilitated greater independence for both partners. Attachment Anxiety In contrast to secure attachment, insecure attachment involves elevated levels of attachment anxiety and/or avoidance (Arriaga et. al. 2014; Mikulincer et. al., 2010). Attachment anxiety arises from deeply rooted uncertainties regarding one’s value, lovability and self-worth (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Pietromonaco & Barrett, 1997). These interior personal doubts result in a “chaotic sense of self that is always trying to adapt to others” (Johnson, 2019, p. 28). Individuals with high attachment anxiety exhibit hyperactivation of their attachment systems when attachment figure accessibility is questionable (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). This hyperactivation commonly shows as an intensification of requests for attention and supportive responses from attachment figures (Johnson, 2019). In partner relationships, the anxious dimension of insecurity is exemplified by fears of rejection or abandonment along with worries that partners may not be accessible or responsive when needed (Johnson, 2019; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). In addition, individuals with anxious attachment styles are highly sensitive to facial expressions, tone of 13 voice, and body language (Fraley et. al., 2006) and have a tendency to “over estimat[e] the prevalence and negative impact of potential relationship-threatening events” in their partner relationships (Campbell et. al., 2005, p. 527). Furthermore, partners with high attachment anxiety “perceive greater daily conflict” (Campbell et. al., 2005, p. 527) and experience stronger emotional responses (Pietromonaco & Barrett, 1997) than other attachment types. Attachment Avoidance Adult attachment avoidance stems from a fundamental distrust of others that gives rise to doubts regarding the responsiveness of others, and thereby the advantages of trusting and/or relying on others (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Individuals with high attachment avoidance have attachment systems that deactivate easily (Feeney & Collins, 2001). Attachment system deactivation in adults is exemplified by emotional, cognitive and physical distancing along with tendencies for self-reliance (Brock & Lawrence, 2014; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). In partner relationships, individuals with avoidant attachment are highly sensitive to emotional and physical distances in relationships (Johnson, 2008) and have a tendency to hold their partners at a distance (Li & Chan, 2012; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Acts of distancing are attempts to stay emotionally safe by remaining self-sufficient and aloof (Johnson 2008, 2019). Furthermore, avoidant partners often provide minimal support when their partners need them (Feeney & Collins, 2001). While both attachment anxiety and avoidance are associated with decreased relational satisfaction, attachment avoidance consistently correlates with lowest reports in relationship satisfaction (Campbell et. al., 2005; Li & Chan, 2012). 14 Attachment Type Stability Adult attachment style (or orientation) stability has been a focal point of discussion since the conception of adult attachment theory. Research supports the presence of both adult attachment style stability (Kirkpatrick & Hazan, 1994) and malleability (Girme et. al., 2018). In 2016, Mikulincer and Shaver reviewed over thirty published studies regarding attachment stability in adulthood and concluded that adult attachment patterns are "somewhat malleable in response to attachment relevant experiences and life transitions” (p. 144). In support of this, a longitudinal study of changes in attachment by Chopik et. al. (2019) showed while the degree of change in attachment styles was relatively small, both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance declined in a linear fashion over the lifespan. Results of this Chopik et. al. (2019) study also indicated that “being in a relationship was associated with greater attachment security over time” (p. 605). Furthermore, Girme et. al. (2018) observed secure individuals experienced significant decreases in their relationship-specific attachment security when partnered with insecure persons. Research has also consistently demonstrated that partners impact one another in profound ways in aspects other than attachment. For example, Collins and Feeney (2000) found “support-seeking and caregiving behaviors [between partners] were highly interdependent and meshed” (p. 1067). Clearly, partner dynamics can be best understood, and positively altered, from an interactive and interrelated perspective such as attachment theory. Attachment Dynamics in Partner Relationships Long-term partner relationships are among the most intimate relationship(s) adults engage in (Johnson, 2013). Not surprisingly, then, adult attachment system functioning is most pronounced and observable within the context of long-term couple relationships 15 (Johnson, 2013; see also Fraley & Shaver, 2000). Most adult attachment studies to date have involved direct observations of partner interactions and self-reports of attachment experiences within long-term partner relationships (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). This body of research revealed common emotions, actions and thoughts experienced by partners with secure versus insecure attachment orientations. Furthermore, predictable attachment patterns between partners have been identified (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2008). Insecure Attachment Cycles In her book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Johnson (2008) identifies three patterns or dances arising from insecure attachment in one or both partners: attack-attack, pursue-withdraw, withdraw-withdraw. Each of these cycles is fueled by the attachment system deactivation or hyperactivation. Attack-attack is an insecure attachment pattern characterized by blame and accusation on the part of both partners and is most commonly observed in partnerships where both parties experience attachment anxiety (Johnson, 2008). In this dance, both partners become overwhelmed with emotion and then lash out at one another. The pursue-withdraw dynamic is the most common insecure attachment dynamic observed in couples (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2008). In this dance, one partner (often with high attachment anxiety) reaches for the other partner (requests or demands closeness), while the other partner (often with high attachment avoidance) withdraws by increasing emotional and/or physical distance. The third insecure attachment cycle is the withdraw-withdraw pattern (Johnson, 2008). In this scenario, both partners close emotionally in an effort to protect themselves (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2008). According to Johnson (2008), this pattern can 16 emerge after one of the two previous patterns has existed in a relationship for some time and is also common in partnerships where both individuals have high attachment avoidance. People caught in this pattern are likely to feel a deep sense of hopelessness; they are often close to giving up or have already concluded the relationship is over. Cultivating Secure Attachment in Partner Relationships Belief in the possibility of change inspires clients to engage with therapists and vice versa. Prior to the theory of adult attachment, “it was hard to offer an incisive explanation of how love fails” (Johnson, 2013, p. 184). In addition, prior to adult attachment theory, approaches to couple therapy had a tendency to focus on behavioral components such as communication skills rather than the true source of the distress: insecure attachment dynamics (Johnson, 2013). Adult attachment theory has not only identified the root of couple distress; this framework has also provided insight into the “core of happy relationships… [by revealing] a map to the territory called love” (Johnson, 2013, pp. 26, 29). Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT; Johnson 2004) is an attachment-based therapy that focuses on patterns of disconnection arising from an insecure attachment style in one or both partners (Johnson, 2004, 2019, 2020). The overarching goal of EFT is to “create a secure bond” (Johnson, 2020, p. 17) that enables “each partner [to be] a source of security, protection and contact comfort for the other” (Johnson, 2020, p. 15). From an EFT perspective, “dysfunction is seen in terms of stuck patterns that once served a somewhat positive function, but now constrict optimal functioning” (Johnson, 2019, p. 224). As a result of this starting point, emotion focused therapists “do not narrowly focus on symptoms or problem alleviation but see the whole person in an interpersonal context [and look for]… the 17 possibilities that are hidden within each person and in each relational dance” (Johnson, 2019, p. 224). EFT therapists use “reflection, evocative questions, validation, heightening emotion and empathetic conjecture” (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016, p. 391) to “validate… defences and self-limiting responses as protective strategies… [and then] respectfully lead clients out of these prisons” (Johnson, 2019, p. 225). From an EFT point of view, “understanding [relational distress] as a circular, patterned process is crucial” (Johnson, 2019, p. 224) and “restoring [partner] connection [by]… interrupting and dismantling… destructive sequences and then actively constructing a more emotionally open and receptive way of interacting” (Johnson, 2013, p. 28) is the essence of the therapeutic process. EFT focuses on present functioning and involves three stages of therapy: deescalation, restructuring and consolidation (Johnson, 2019). In the course of therapy, couples increase the level of attachment security in their relationship through corrective emotional experiences (Johnson, 2020). Johnson (2019) describes these key moments in emotion focused therapy as: In-session change events… [involving] a deepening engagement with core emotional experience that restructures [the] experience and the person as an experiencing self who can define, tolerate and trust [their] experience… [and] a new, more open engagement with others. Once clarified and refined to its core elements, [the] emotional experience is [then] expressed in a coherent way with a significant other. (p. 33) Efficacy of Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples. Studies in EFT efficacy have repeatedly demonstrated positive outcomes. Johnson and Greenberg (1985, as cited in Wiebe 18 and Johnson, 2016) found “couples randomly assigned to receive EFT reported more gains in relationship satisfactions and intimacy, and greater complaint reduction than couples who received [a] strategic problem-solving intervention” (p. 392). In a study regarding EFT and marital satisfaction by Dalgleish et. al. (2015), “the majority of couples made clinically significant improvements in marital satisfactions from pre to posttherapy” (p. 285). Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples is a means for attachment change that “goes to the heart of the matter” (Johnson, 2013, p. 28). For this reason, subsequent engagement with EFT is recommended for retreat participant couples who identify attachment insecurities as areas of relational challenge during the attached retreat program. Furthermore, due to the fact that the attached retreat is designed to be an introductory experience, more oblique means for supporting secure attachment dynamics are integrated, and also offered as next step options for retreat participants. These other means include practicing gratitude (Leong et. al., 2020; Park et. al., 2019), mindfulness (Barnes et. al., 2007; Wachs & Cordova, 2007) and experiential savoring (Lenger & Gordon, 2019). Gratitude Gratitude is a positive sensation people often experience when they perceive that another has given something significant to them (McCullough et al., 2001). Actively practicing gratitude increases a sense of wellbeing and decreases loneliness (Bartlett & Arpin, 2019). Furthermore, increases in gratitude correlate with stronger relationships (Bartlett et. al., 2012) and higher levels of social connectedness (Liao & Weng, 2018). Gratitude and Partner Dynamics. In partner relationships, genuine gratitude also leads to multiple benefits. In a recent study of attachment insecurity and expressions of partner gratitude, researchers concluded that expressions of partner gratitude may be 19 particularly beneficial for partners with high attachment avoidance since partner support in the form of gratitude does not interfere with the avoidant individual’s sense of autonomy (Park et. al., 2019). Furthermore, in this same study, Park et. al. observed that avoidant partners who perceived their partners’ frequent expressions of gratitude to be genuine, experienced increased feelings of being cared for which ultimately resulted in increased relationship satisfaction and thereby commitment to the partnership. Leong et. al. (2020) recently expanded on the existing research regarding gratitude in relationships by examining the impact of grateful disposition for both partners. This Leong et. al. (2020) study found “grateful disposition was significantly related to one’s own grateful mood and [the] perceived grateful mood of [one’s partner], both of which predicted marital satisfaction” (p. 73). Mindfulness Mindfulness is an orientation, originally rooted in Buddhist spirituality, involving receptive attentiveness and openness to the continually unfolding present (Kabat-Zinn, 1994; Brown & Ryan, 2003). Mindfulness also involves allowing emotions to simply rise and pass (Hazlett-Stevens, 2018). Near the turn of twenty first century, Kabat-Zinn (2003) presented mindfulness as a universal experience with universal implications for wellbeing. Following Kabat-Zinn’s proposal of universality (2003), mindfulness practices and research effloresced. Research regarding the psychological significance of mindfulness, along with studies regarding the five mindfulness subsets, is now extensive. Mindfulness and Individual Wellbeing. Connections between mindfulness, emotional regulation and individual wellbeing are well established. Self-reported trait mindfulness has been positively correlated with emotional differentiation and emotional 20 regulation (Hill & Updegraff, 2012). In this same study, individuals with high levels of differentiation and regulation experienced less emotion lability, and thereby less emotional distress. Furthermore, a study of the effects of an outpatient Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program by Hazlett-Stevens’ (2018) revealed substantial “increases on measures of personal growth, life satisfaction and perceived quality of life” (p. 287). Similarly, Weinstein et. al. (2009) observed that “more mindful individuals were less likely to appraise their day-to-day experiences as stressful… and [employed] more approach coping and less avoidant coping strategies to deal with daily stress” (p. 381). Furthermore, in a meta-analysis of studies regarding mindfulness and prosocial behaviour, Donald et. al. (2019) noted correlations between mindfulness and empathic concern. Mindfulness and Partner Dynamics. Research regarding the significance of trait mindfulness in partner relationships is a newer facet of exploration. Much of the completed research on this topic centers on trait mindfulness and relational satisfaction. Lenger et. al. (2017) explored the connection between mindfulness and relationship satisfaction and found a positive correlation between overall trait mindfulness and self-reported relational satisfaction. Furthermore, in this same study, Nonjudgement of Inner Experience emerged as the component of trait mindfulness that held the most impact for relationship satisfaction suggesting that “those who are more curious about and accepting of their own experience… are happier in… relationships” (Lenger et. al. 2017, p. 176). Trait mindfulness has also been shown to decrease mindful partners’ emotional distress during conflict (Barnes et. al., 2007), to mitigate “rejection fears during daily [partner] conflict and [attenuate] destructive reactions when rejection concerns arise” (Dixon & Overall, 2018, p. 173). To add to this, Wachs and Cordova (2007) observed that “more 21 mindful couples were… superior at identifying… [and communicating] emotions [and suggested that]… greater attentiveness to the present moment enables partners to create and maintain a healthy intimate process by improving the quality of their moment-to-moment emotion interactions” (p. 475). Efficacy and Selection of Mindfulness-Based Interventions. In a recent review of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy (MBCT) interventions with nonclinical populations, both types of programs were found to be effective for increasing mindfulness. Furthermore, “the between-groups analysis [in this study] showed that MBCT generated significantly larger effect sizes than MBSR [interventions]… for all included mindfulness outcomes” (Querstret et. al., 2020, p. 14). These authors (2020) also suggest that “cognitive components in MBCT [may have] enabled participants to embed their mindfulness learning more effectively thereby facilitating… increases in self-reported mindfulness skills” (p. 14). In light of these findings, mindfulness activities will be integrated into this retreat and MBCT will be offered as a next step option for retreat participants. Savouring In addition to mindfulness, and gratitude, savouring may be another effective means for enhancing attachment security within partner relationships. Bryant and Veroff (2007, as cited in Pitts, 2019) define savouring as “the capacity to attend to, appreciate, and enhance positive experiences in one’s life” (p. 238). Lenger and Gordon (2019) found that savouring positive experiences with one’s partner have been correlated with higher relationship satisfaction. Furthermore, of the three subsets of savouring: anticipatory, present-moment and reminiscent, anticipatory savouring was found to be particularly useful for enhancing 22 relationship satisfaction presumably due to the absence of frustrations, and/or disappointments which are commonly interspersed with the positive aspects of lived, as opposed to anticipated, experiences. Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions Means for increasing relationship stability and attachment security in couples, as outlined in this literature review, are linked not only to attachment theory but also to the broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions as presented by Fredrickson (2001). According to Fredrickson’s theory, positive emotions expand a person’s habitual ways of thinking and acting via initiating desires to engage with others and/or one’s environment in new ways. As people broaden their experience and social connectedness by responding to with these invitations, interior and relational resources are strengthened. Furthermore, “the… theory predicts… [an] upward spiral in which positive emotions and the broadened thinking they engender… influence one another reciprocally, leading to appreciable increases in emotional well-being over time” (Fredrickson, 2001, p. 223). Broaden-and-Build Cycle of Attachment Security Experiences and personal practices that strengthen attachment security have the potential to augment the broaden-and-build process of positive emotions and vice versa. Mikulincer and Shaver (2016), suggest a broaden-and-build cycle of attachment security may work alongside and/or undergird Fredrickson’s theory of positive emotions. In the broadenand-build cycle of attachment security, repeated availability and responsiveness of attachment figures “[augment] resources for maintaining emotional stability in times of stress and [expand] perspectives and capacities” (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2016, p. 34). Over time, this cycle builds a felt sense of trust that enables people to explore their relational and 23 physical environments more freely and focus on existential realities (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2016). Recent research findings in attachment dynamics within partner relationships have demonstrated that a “partner’s supportive behavior has long-term positive effect on attachment insecurities” (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2020, p. 25). These findings provide support for broaden-and-build cycle of attachment. Attachment and Group Therapy Group therapy has existed, in a variety of forms, for several decades (McRoberts et. al., 1998; Yalom & Leszcz, 2005). Across time and assorted settings, group therapy has consistently been an effective and cost-efficient intervention for a broad spectrum of mental health challenges including depressive disorders (Barlow et. al., 2000; Payne & Marcus, 2008) and anxiety disorders (Craner et. al., 2016). Research regarding attachment and group therapy specifically is limited (Markin & Marmarosh, 2010) but growing (Tasca, 2014). “Most of the [completed] research… has examined the role of individual or dyadic attachment on group processes and outcomes” (Tasca, 2014, p. 54). Recent research in attachment and groups has also revealed the existence, and significance, of individual attachment to groups. In their study of individual attachment to groups, Markin and Marmarosh (2010), observed that individual insecure attachment to a group gives rise to responses, and thereby interactional patterns, similar to those observed in dyadic relationships. Similarly, Rom & Mikulincer (2003) found group members with an avoidant attachment to a group were more likely to “dismiss the group and consider leaving it because they avoid[ed] dependency on groups” (as cited in Markin & Marmarosh, 2010, p. 115). 24 Emerging research in attachment and group psychotherapy is also demonstrating the efficacy of process group therapy as a means for shifting insecure interactional patterns of group members to more secure styles of interaction within and beyond the group therapy setting (Marmarosh & Tasca, 2013; Tasca, 2014). For example, in a recent study of posttherapy attachment insecurity changes for group therapy participants with binge eating disorder, Maxwell et. al. (2014) observed self-reported decreases in attachment avoidance along with self-reported improvements in interpersonal relationships up to one-year posttherapy. Tasca (2014) supports further research in attachment and group therapy and states: “Group psychotherapy provides a rich environment in which to study attachment processes because of the nature, quality, and complexity of interactions that occur in these contexts” (p. 54). Couples and Group Therapy While extensive research in couples’ therapy exists, research regarding couple group therapy specifically is largely absent from the literature (Marmarosh, 2014). However, completed studies involving couples and group therapy show great potential for couples group work. For example, in an efficacy study of a six-month couples’ group focusing on effective communication skills and conflict resolution, all participant couples who initially self-reported as distressed reported themselves as non-distressed when the program was finished (Brooks et. al., 2001). Furthermore, in the first empirical study of The Hold Me Tight Program (HmT; Johnson, 2015) outcomes, clinician-referred couples reported “moderate gains… [that] were… partially maintained [at] the 3.5 month follow up” (Conradi et. al., 2018, p. 626). 25 Group Therapy Stages Overview A comprehensive look at group therapy stages lies beyond the scope of this discussion. Retreat facilitators are strongly encouraged to refresh and/or increase their knowledge of group therapy prior to implementing the attached three-day retreat. Group Techniques (2015) by Corey et. al., Groups: Process and Practice (2018) by Corey et. al. and The Theory and Practice of Group Psychology (2005) by Yalom & Leszcz are recommended group therapy resources. What follows is simply a brief synopsis of group stages: initial, transition, working and ending (Yalom & Leszcz, 2005; Corey et. al., 2015; Corey et. al., 2018). This overview is intended to refresh potential retreat facilitators’ understanding of key facets and to support facilitators with their planning and implementation processes. The Initial Stage In the initial group stage, “building trust and emphasizing the here-and-now” (Corey et. al., 2015, XVII) are paramount. When a group is moving through the first phase, members orient themselves to the group experience and begin to establish trust by verbally exploring fears, hesitations, hopes and expectations (Corey et. al., 2015; Corey et. al., 2018). Effective group facilitators actively work to generate a fundamental sense of trust within the group by encouraging “group members to focus on themselves” (Corey et. al., 2018, p. 184). Storytelling and focusing on others are often unconscious means group members utilize to avoid the vulnerability of self-exploration (Corey et. al., 2015). Group participants typically need group leaders to challenge the avoidance by inviting members to engage directly with their own experience and emotions (Corey et. al., 2018). 26 The Transition Stage The second phase of group development is the transition stage. This stage is characterized by a shift from hesitation and articulating apprehensions to active engagement in group activities (Corey et. al., 2018). When group members are “making themselves known… in personal ways… focusing on themselves… disclosing persistent feelings… and supporting… [and/or] challenging others in the group” (Corey et. al., 2018, p. 226), the group is moving through the transition phase into the working phase. In both the initial and transition phases, Corey et. al. (2015) believe it is essential for leaders to view resistance (keeping their emotions and reactions at a distance) as protective, normative means of avoiding anxiety, and to support working through resistances processes by “encourag[ing] members to pay attention to their feelings and reactions and to learn to express them (p. 92). The Working Stage In the third, working stage, members demonstrate a commitment to the group process by directly engaging in significant personal challenges (what is coming up for them) and by a “willingness to take risks by sharing meaningful here-and-now reactions” (Corey et. al., 2018, p. 283). When a group is truly working, “here-and-now feelings become the major discourse of the group. The thrust is ahistorical: the immediate events of the meeting take precedence over events both in the current outside life and in the distant past of the members” (Yalom & Leszcz, 2005, pp. 141-142). In this third phase, leaders focus on inviting members to explore their sensations more deeply through here-and-now group interactions. According to Yalom and Leszcz (2005), the group “therapist has two discrete functions in the here-and-now: to steer the group into the here-and-now and to facilitate the self-reflective loop” (p. 142). 27 The Ending Stage The fourth and final stage of group process is the ending phase. This phase is marked by a “consolidation of learning” (Corey et. al., 2018, p. 317) during which members express what the group experience has meant to them, how they feel they have grown and what their next steps might be (Corey et. al., 2018). During this closing stage, members may exhibit personal grief and loss patterns via the ways they respond to the group ending and/or ways they leave the group. In ending stage, leaders focus on providing opportunities for members to meaningfully reflect on their experience and inviting members to process surfacing grief and loss sensations and feelings (Corey et. al., 2015). Summary This literature review began with a discussion of adult attachment followed by implications of adult attachment for partner relationships. In the second section, empirically validated means for cultivating and supporting secure partner interactions were explored. Other relevant research and theories relating to partner interactions, such as the broaden-andbuild theory of positive emotions, were also highlighted. The third component of the literature review presented relevant research in couples and group therapy. This review concluded with an overview of the group therapy process. 28 Chapter Three: Project Plan In chapter three, an overview of important retreat planning considerations as well as an outline of the attached project – a facilitation manual for a three-day exploration of attachment science for couples – are provided. The retreat presented in the chapter four facilitation manual focuses on attachment science, gratitude and mindfulness. As previously stated, this is manual adds to the current repertoire of adult attachment programs by providing a new interactive and experiential introductory option. The manual includes activities that outline the basics of adult attachment science along as well as activities with the potential to generate and/or enhance secure attachment dynamics for participants. This retreat experience is intended to provide participants with fundamental knowledge and initial skills. It is also designed to awaken hope and increase openness. Target Audience The attached retreat facilitation manual is designed is intended for couples who have been together long enough for attachment bonds to develop (approximately one to three years) and demonstrate low to medium degrees of relational distress. Retreat facilitators are encouraged to refer couples displaying signs of high levels of relational distress to intervention options that address relational distress more directly such as EFT and/or The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection (Johnson, 2015). Retreat Structure The attached group retreat facilitation manual utilizes is a combination of group activities, group processing sessions and partner activities. Taken together, these activities are designed to increase understanding, and to offer here-and-now learning experiences in order to expand personal awareness and generate opportunities for new ways of being (Corey 29 et. al., 2015, 2018; Yalom & Leszcz, 2005). This retreat is designed to be facilitated by therapists with a background in attachment theory and group therapy; ideally retreat facilitators will have five years of experience (or more) in these therapeutic modalities. Location Considerations Setting is an important component of any endeavour; location is particularly significant when participants are likely to feel vulnerable during a given event or experience (van der Kolk, 2014). Because this retreat for couples involves two potentially sensitive topics – partner dynamics and attachment patterns – careful consideration of retreat location options as well as potential barriers to engagement will be important. An ideal retreat location will be central (not far from potential participants’ homes), neutral (not directly associated with mental health or other topics for which stigma continues to exist) and economical (financially accessible to a wide variety of potential participants). An optimal retreat setting will also provide a comfortable space for group work and spaces for couples to work somewhat privately but near to the retreat facilitator(s). Finally, if facilitators plan to offer an overnight option, the location will need to include rooms for overnighting participants. In some communities, an Airbed and Breakfast (Airbnb), or a hotel may be the best option. In some scenarios, use of a retreat centre may also be possible. Confidentiality and Group Safety Confidentiality and emotional safety within a group are essential for all meaningful group work (Yalom, 2005). Therapists who choose to utilize the attached retreat facilitation manual are strongly encouraged to establish confidentiality as a retreat participation requirement and to ask all participants to sign confidentiality agreements. Facilitators are also encouraged to remind group members of their commitment to confidentiality throughout 30 the retreat. Corey et. al. (2018) suggest providing examples of how members can share what they are learning without breaking confidentiality. These suggestions include letting members know they can “tell others what they learned… [while refraining from describing] how [and by] “encourag[ing] participants to talk about themselves and not… other participants” (Corey et. al., 2018, p. 330). Embedding Trauma Informed Practices Since potentially traumatic events are not uncommon (Mersky et al., 2019), it will be important for retreat facilitators to imbue the activities outlined in the attached retreat manual with a trauma-informed mindset. Baird and Alaggia (2021) identify the development of safety and respect within the group, the incorporation of affect regulation skills and “acknowledging the role of oppression, stigma and marginalization in people’s lives” (p. 16) as key facets of a trauma-informed group practice. Trauma-informed therapy also involves being aware that the “essence of trauma is that it is overwhelming, unbelievable and unbearable… [and that it] robs you of the feeling that you are in charge of yourself” (van der Kolk, 2014, pp. 195, 203). Individuals who have experienced trauma often find it very challenging to fully engage in activities or open themselves to others (van der Kolk, 2014). As a result, it is expected that individuals experiencing the effects of trauma will find some aspect of the retreat process challenging and uncomfortable. Facilitators will need to be intentional about establishing and maintaining an atmosphere of respect and self-care as needed throughout the retreat. For persons with trauma histories, choice and personal agency are key (van der Kolk, 2014). Some choice and personal agency options for retreat participants, such as closing one’s eyes or leaving them 31 open during included mindfulness activities, are embedded in the attached retreat manual. Retreat facilitators are encouraged to highlight and augment participant choices throughout the three-day retreat. Furthermore, retreat facilitators are encouraged to normalize the practice of taking breaks from activities if and when needed. Participant Orientation and Screening In every therapeutic journey, the bulk of the work lives in the here-and-now and cannot be explicitly planned or perceived ahead of time (Yalom, 2009). However, thoughtful planning regarding various aspects of the therapeutic process support and augment here-andnow client work along with the therapist’s ability to be present and active during activities. Prior to this three-day retreat, facilitators are encouraged to meet with each potential participant couple for a screening/orientation session. The purpose of this orientation (screening) appointment for a given couple will be multifaceted and will align with the recommendations outlined in Corey et. al. (2018). In their introduction session, each couple will obtain an overview of the retreat as well as confidentiality expectations. During the session, potential participants will also be encouraged to ask questions and assess their readiness to commit to the group/retreat process. In addition, the introductory session will provide the group facilitator(s) with an opportunity to articulate other expectations including punctuality, and a commitment to attend the full retreat. Furthermore, the facilitator(s) will have an opportunity to assess couple distress and to guide highly distressed couples to more appropriate interventions when needed. Attachment and Couple Participant Selection In 2010, Markin and Marmarosh applied adult attachment theory, along with existing research in attachment and group psychotherapy, to group therapy processes. In their article, 32 Markin and Marmarosh proposed a set of four dyadic and group attachment combinations giving rise to predictable participant actions and reactions within group therapy. In addition, these authors outlined suggestions regarding attachment styles and combinations that are likely, and unlikely, to benefit from group therapy and/or contribute positively to group processes. Markin and Marmarosh (2010) encourage group therapists to choose a participant combination that includes some people who exhibit an insecure attachment style in either their dyadic or social group relationships along with persons who demonstrate secure attachment patterns in both their dyadic and group relationships so that “members can capitalize on each other’s strengths” (p. 119) during the group therapy process. These authors (2010) do not recommend group therapy for persons exhibiting insecure patterns in both the dyadic and group facets of their relational lives since these individuals “may feel retraumatized [in group therapy], as… negatives expectations of self and other are perceived to be confirmed… [and since they] are likely to drop out of treatment before these feelings can be… worked through (p. 119). Regarding couples’ group participant selection, specifically, Feld (1998) recommends selecting partners who exhibit a strong commitment to the relationships along with a desire to work on the relationship. In scenarios where a partner or partners feel(s) hopeless or distressed, couple therapy rather than group therapy is recommended since therapists can zero in on the couples’ distress more quickly (Conradi et. al., 2018; Feld, 1998). Assessing Couple Distress Since highly distressed couples are likely to be better served via interventions that address relational distress directly such as EFT sessions or The Hold Me Tight Program: 33 Conversations for Connection (Johnson, 2015), assessing current levels of relational distress during the potential participant couple screening/orientation session will be important. In order to determine couple readiness (or lack thereof) for this retreat experience, retreat facilitators are encouraged to pay close attention to couple dynamics during the introductory session. Couple distress is often evident in the way partners communicate; conversations of distressed couples are typically marked by an underlying negative tone overlaid with criticism, contempt, defensiveness and/or stonewalling (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2013). Other signs of couple distress include the absence of playfulness, affection and/or indicators of friendship (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Retreat Activities Overview This three-day retreat utilizes a combination of whole group and partner activities intended to increase participant understanding of adult attachment dynamics and to begin and/or support cultivation of secure attachment moments for participant couples. Included activities range from introductory conversations regarding adult attachment science to partner activities adapted from The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection (Johnson, 2015) to group activities focusing on gratitude, mindfulness and other means for cultivating or augmenting secure attachment dynamics. Simple art therapy methods are also utilized in various retreat activities. In addition to the components outlined above, here-andnow group processing sessions are interspersed throughout the retreat itinerary. Integration of Art Therapy Art therapy endeavours “to use the creative process to [increase] self-awareness and self-reflection in order to gain personal insight” (Guzman, 2020, p. 3). In this retreat, an introductory experience in art therapy will be provided as a means for self-exploration. In art 34 therapy, it is the process of creating an image or visual expression (Guzman, 2020), not the final product, that holds significance. As a result, retreat participants do not need artistic ability to benefit from the art therapy component. Facilitators are encouraged to remind participants to focus on expressing emotions rather than on creating something specific or artistic during the art therapy activity. Summary This project overview commenced with an introduction the attached project: a threeday adult attachment introductory retreat for committed couples. The main body of the project plan outlined the structure of the retreat manual and the intentions underlying this program. 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Comparative efficacy of individual and group psychotherapy: A meta-analytic perspective. Group Dynamics: Theory, Research, and Practice, 2(2), 101–117. https://doi.org/10.1037/10892699.2.2.101 Mersky, J. P., Topitzes, J., & Britz, L. (2019). Promoting evidence-based, trauma-informed social work practice. Journal of Social Work Education, 55(4), 645–657. https://doi.org/10.1080/10437797.2019.1627261 Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., Halevy, V., Avihou, N., Avidan, S., & Eshkoli, N. (2001). Attachment theory and reactions to others’ needs:’ Evidence that activation of the sense of attachment security promotes empathic responses. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81(6), 1205–1224. Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., Sapir-Lavid, Y., Yaakobi, E., Arias, K., Tal-Aloni, L., & Bor, G. (2003). Attachment theory and concern for others’ welfare: Evidence that activation of the sense of secure base promotes endorsement of self-transcendence values. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 25(4), 299–312. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15324834BASP2504_4 Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., Bar-On, N., & Ein-Dor, T. (2010). The pushes and pulls of close relationships: Attachment insecurities and relational ambivalence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(3), 450–468. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0017366 Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. 44 Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2020). Broaden-and-build effects of contextually boosting the sense of attachment security in adulthood. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 29(1), 22–26. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721419885997 Park, Y., Johnson, M. D., MacDonald, G., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner predicts decreases in attachment anxiety. Developmental Psychology, 55(12), 2692–2700. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000830 Payne, K. T., & Marcus, D. K. (2008). The efficacy of group psychotherapy for older adult clients: A meta-analysis. Group Dynamics: Theory, Research, and Practice, 12(4), 268–278. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013519 Pietromonaco, P. R., & Barrett, L. F. (1997). Working models of attachment and daily social interactions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(6), 1409–1423. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.6.1409 Pitts, M. J. (2019). The language and social psychology of savoring: Advancing the communication savoring model. Journal of Language and Social Psychology, 38(2), 237–259. https://doi.org/10.1177/0261927X18821404 Querstret, D., Morison, L., Dickinson, S., Cropley, M., & John, M. (2020). Mindfulnessbased stress reduction and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for psychological health and well-being in nonclinical samples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. International Journal of Stress Management. https://doi.org/10.1037/str0000165 Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M., & Teasdale, J. D. (2002). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression: A new approach for preventing relapse. The Guilford Press. Tasca, G. A. (2014). Attachment and group psychotherapy: Introduction to a special section. Psychotherapy, 51(1), 53–56. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0033015 45 van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Group. Wachs, K., & Cordova, J. V. (2007). Mindful relating: Exploring mindfulness and emotion repertoires in intimate relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(4), 464–481. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2007.00032.x Weinstein, N., Brown, K. W., & Ryan, R. M. (2009). A multi-method examination of the effects of mindfulness on stress attribution, coping, and emotional well-being. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(3), 374–385. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2008.12.008 Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12229 Wiebe, S. A., Johnson, S. M., Lafontaine, M., Burgess Moser, M., Dalgleish, T. L., & Tasca, G. A. (2017). Two‐year follow‐up outcomes in emotionally focused couple therapy: An investigation of relationship satisfaction and attachment trajectories. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(2), 227–244. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12206 Yalom, I. (2009). The gift of therapy: An open letter to a new generation of therapists and their patients. Harper Perennial. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. 46 Zeifman, D., & Hazan, C. (2008). Pair bonds as attachments: Re-evaluating the evidence. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications., 2nd ed. (2008-13837-021; pp. 436–455). The Guilford Press. http://prxy.lib.unbc.ca/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true &db=psyh&AN=2008-13837-021&site=ehost-live&scope=site Exploring Attachment Science An Introductory Retreat for Committed Couples Retreat Facilitation Manual ã Kristy Bachman April 2022 Image Credit ã Kristy Bachman 2 Table of Contents Table of Contents 2 Introductory Information 4 Retreat Activity Title Page 6 Day One Activities 7 Group Activity 1: Retreat Overview 7 Group Activity 2: Introductions & Personal Intentions 8 Partner Activity 1: A Johari Window Exploration 9 Partner Activity 2: Knowing One Another 12 Process Group 1: Cultivating Trust 14 Group Activity 3: Mindfulness Part I – Introduction & Body Scan 16 Group Activity 4: Understanding Adult Attachment 17 Partner Activity 3: Exploring My Relational Attachment Patterns 18 Process Group 2: Establishing Trust & Universality 20 Group Activity 5: Articulating Gratitude Part I 22 Day Two Activities 23 Group Activity 6: Mindfulness Part II – Soles of the Feet 23 Partner Activity 4: What Makes Us 24 Process Group 3: Transitioning to Working Through 26 Group Activity 7: Mindfulness Part III – Focusing on an Object 28 Group Activity 8: Understanding Attachment in Partner Relationships 29 Partner Activity 5: Exploring One Challenge 30 Process Group 4: Working Through Challenges 32 Group Activity 9: Attachment Quotes 34 Day Three Activities 35 Group Activity 10: Gratitude or Savouring Walk 35 Group Activity 11: Articulating Gratitude Part II 36 Partner Activity 6: Drawing Our Relationship 37 Process Group 5: Working Stage Interactions 39 Group Activity 12: Exploring Next Steps & Resources 41 Process Group 6: The Ending Stage 43 3 Group Activity 13: Articulating Gratitude Part III 45 Group Activity 14: Retreat Evaluation 46 Group Activity 15: Retreat Closing 47 Appendix 1: Additional Facilitator Resources 48 Participant Screening & Orientation Sessions 49 Facilitator Resources List 50 Supply List: Day One 53 Supply List Day Two 54 Supply List Day Three 55 Day One: Body Scan Script 56 Day Two: Sole of the Feet Script 58 Day Two: Focusing on an Object Script 59 Day Two: Attachment Quotes 60 Appendix 2: Participant Handouts 61 Retreat Overview 62 Confidentiality 63 Intentions & Apprehensions 64 Characteristics List 65 Knowing One Another Question Sets 66 Mindfulness 67 Gratitude 68 Adult Attachment Overview 69 Exploring My Relational Attachment Patterns 71 Common Attachment Experiences in Partner Relationships 73 Common Cycles in Partner Relationships 74 Changing Challenges Cycles 75 Exploring One Challenge 76 Possible Next Steps 77 Resource List 78 Retreat Evaluation 79 Other Available Resources 80 References 81 4 Introductory Information This three-day retreat is intended to be a prevention and/or early intervention for partner relationship challenges arising from insecure attachment dynamics. Ideally, facilitators of this retreat will also offer and/or provide participants with information about possible next step options such as The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection (HmT; Johnson, 2015) and/or Emotional Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT; Johnson 2004). Retreat Intentions • To provide introductory information regarding adult attachment science and its implications for partner relationships • To increase participant understanding and awareness and thereby decisionmaking power • To provide initial opportunities for couples to explore their individual attachment styles and to consider challenging attachment cycles present in their relationship • To provide lived experiences of mindfulness and gratitude practices that support the cultivation of secure attachment dynamics in partner relationships • To provide lived experiences of group processing Therapeutic Underpinnings This retreat utilizes a couples group therapy format and is rooted in adult attachment theory and emotion focused therapy. Therapists who align and are trained in these modalities will be best suited to utilize this resource. The retreat manual also incorporates a trauma-informed lens by focusing on the importance of emotional safety in the group process session guidelines, and by embedding regular breaks and choices for retreat participants throughout the retreat. Facilitators are encouraged to consistently remind participants to take a break and/or utilize a mindfulness practice interiorly if they are starting to feel overwhelmed during a retreat activity. Target Audience & Participant Screening This retreat is designed for committed couples who desire to better understand their relational dynamics in order to strengthen their relationship. Facilitators are encouraged to note couple dynamics during the participant orientation (screening) process and to offer alternative interventions that directly address couple distress (such as emotion focused therapy) to potential participant couples displaying signs of high relational distress. 5 Facility Considerations Setting is an important component of therapeutic work and learning. Facilitators are encouraged to carefully consider all retreat location options available in their area. An ideal retreat facility will have a central and neutral location along with spaces for whole group sessions, partner work and overnight accommodations where necessary. Retreat Format This manual includes activities and an itinerary for a three-day retreat (without evening sessions). There are other ways to effectively divide the activity content of the manual. For example, retreat activities could be arranged into a two-day retreat with evenings sessions. Confidentiality & Group Safety This retreat begins with a discussion of group confidentiality and its importance. Retreat facilitators are also encouraged to lead a group conversation about what confidentiality means to them as participants and what group safety means or looks like for them in order to increase participant ‘buy in’ and commitment in these important aspects of group process. References Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. BrunnerRoutledge. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company. Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Hachette Book Group. Johnson, S. M. (2015). The hold me tight program: Conversations for connection. Facilitators guide for small groups (3rd ed.). International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples and families. The Guilford Press. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Group. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. Exploring Attachment Science An Introductory Retreat for Committed Couples – RETREAT ACTIVITIES – 7 DAY ONE 8:30 AM – 5:30 PM GROUP ACTIVITY 1 Retreat Overview Start Time: 8:30 AM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To set the stage for personal work ahead by reviewing overarching goals and intentions To review confidentiality parameters and begin facilitating healthy group dynamics Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • • Retreat Overview Group Confidentiality Agreement • • Twin Folders Writing Utensils Activity Instructions: 1. Provide each participant with a twin folder (or an alternative) for storing retreat handouts. Review the Retreat Overview and Group Confidentiality Agreement initially provided in participant screening/orientation sessions. 2. Provide other basic retreat format and facility information such as: a. b. c. d. e. Break and lunch procedures Taking care of oneself – freedom to opt out and/or take breaks if needed Washroom locations Cell phone use Facility safety information - fire alarm procedures… 3. After providing the information outlined above and answering questions as needed, ask retreat participants to sign the Group Confidentiality form and then collect completed Group Confidentiality forms. 4. Since participants will be utilizing writing utensils at various times throughout this retreat, invite participants to keep their writing utensils used in this activity for upcoming written components. 8 GROUP ACTIVITY 2 Introductions & Personal Intentions Start Time: 9:00 AM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To provide an opportunity for participants to set personal intentions To continue facilitating healthy group dynamics Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • Exploring Intentions & Apprehensions • None Activity Instructions: 1. Verbally review Exploring Intentions & Apprehensions handout and then invite participants to spend about ten minutes responding to the writing prompts. 2. When the writing component is complete, invite participants to introduce themselves to the group by giving their name and then reading aloud some or all their written responses. 3. Provide a concise, encouraging piece of verbal feedback to each participant after their introduction and sharing; address apprehensions as needed. 9 PARTNER ACTIVITY 1 A Johari Window Exploration Start Time: 9:30 AM Approximate Time: 60 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To increase participant openness regarding themselves, their partner and their partner relationship in preparation for insights that may surface in upcoming retreat activities To increase participant awareness of their own strengths as well as characteristics they respect (and appreciate) in their partner Introductory Information: The Johari Window (Luft & Ingham; 1955) is a helpful tool for increasing self-awareness. Various exercises involving the Johari Window are available via a Google search. One possible introductory Johari Window activity is outlined below. Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: Optional Supplies: • Characteristics List • • • • • Pencil Crayons Soft Chalk Pastels Oil Pastels Blank Paper Johari Window Diagram(s) • • • • Digital Projector Digital Johari Window Diagram Laptop Computer Whiteboard & Markers Activity Instructions: Part I: Individual Component 1. Handout Characteristics List and two sheets blank pieces of paper to each participant. 2. Invite participants to read through the list and to choose five to ten characteristics they see in their partner. Ask participants to write this list on one piece of their blank paper. 10 3. Next, ask participants to review the list they made of their partner’s characteristics and then choose one characteristic they particularly appreciate or respect in their partner. 4. Invite participants to use simple art supplies to depict/represent the partner characteristic they selected using their second sheet of blank paper. Encourage participants to stick with one or two colours and to keep their visual representation simple. For example, filling all or a portion of the page with a colour chosen or utilizing basic shapes such a circle… Part II: Partner Component 5. Invite partners to spend ten minutes sharing the characteristics lists and visual representations they created with one another. Part III: Group Component 6. Briefly explain the Johari Window to the group and draw the Johari Window diagram on a whiteboard (or project an image of the diagram) for everyone’s reference. 7. Invite participants to return to the Characteristics List handout and to shift their focus from their partner to themselves by taking five to ten minutes to circle characteristics they see in themselves. Next, invite participants to note which quadrant of the Johari Window they would place these personal characteristics into. 8. If time allows, invite participants to look at the list their partner made and to note where they would place these characteristics in the Johari Window. 9. To close this activity, highlight the importance of personal awareness and of engaging in this retreat with openness and curiosity keeping in mind that all of us have aspects of ourselves that we do not yet see or fully understand. Adapted From: https://www.successfulculture.com/stronger-culture-using-johari-window/ Reference Luft, J., & Ingham, H. (1955). The Johari Window: A graphic model for interpersonal relations. University of California, Western Training Lab. 11 FIRST MORNING BREAK Start Time: 10:30 AM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 12 PARTNER ACTIVITY 2 Knowing One Another Start Time: 10:45 AM Approximate Time: 45 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To provide partners with a lived experience of connecting on deeper conversational levels To create opportunities for partners to see one another in new ways Introductory Information: This partner question activity is an adapted version of a question set activity originally created by Aron et. al (1997). The questions included are a conglomeration of questions from Our Momentsâ Couples: Conversation Starters for Great Relationships and questions from Aron et. al (1997). Various versions of this activity are available online. The activity (version) outlined below is one of many options. Appendix 2 Handout: • Knowing One Another Question Sets Activity Instructions: 1. Explain the format for this activity as outlined below: • In this activity, partners will take turns answering the questions provided in the order they appear on the question sheet; both partners will answer each question. • The questions are divided into three sets. For the first fifteen minutes, partners will take turns answering the questions in the first set. After fifteen minutes, partners will move to the second set of questions (even if some in the first set remain unasked and unanswered). Similarly, after another fifteen minutes, couples will move the final set of questions (for the final fifteen minutes). 2. Handout Knowing One Another Question Sets. Provide a verbal prompt to move to Set II questions after fifteen minutes, and second prompt to move to Set III after thirty minutes. Provide a verbal close to the activity. References Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003 Our Momentsâ Couples: Conversation starters for great relationships [Game]. California Essentials. 13 SECOND MORNING BREAK Start Time: 11:30 AM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 14 PROCESS GROUP 1 Cultivating Trust Start Time: 11:45 AM Approximate Time: 45 minutes Process Group Goals: • • • To facilitate the development of trust and emotional safety within the group To provide space for participants to explore initial fears and apprehensions To begin cultivating a felt sense of universality in the group Process Group Instructions: 1. Invite participants into the group session space. Ideally this will be a circle of chairs in a space separate from space utilized for partner and other group activities. If your retreat facility requires a room rearrangement, encourage retreat participants to engage in the rearranging process quietly in order to allow people to connect with thoughts and feelings as they prepare to begin the group session. 2. Once participants are situated in the group (circle) take a few moments to remind the group of confidentiality parameters. Introduce the concept of working in the hereand-now and the importance of sticking with one’s own experience (rather than talking about others) when sharing in the group. 3. Begin the group processing time with an opening prompt such as: • • What did you notice about yourself as you participated in the activities this morning? How does it feel to be here for this retreat experience? 4. As participants share, focus on facilitating here-and-now interactions rather than there-and-then interactions keeping in mind the group is in the initial stage of group process. References Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. 15 LUNCH BREAK Start Time: 12:30 PM Approximate Time: 60 minutes 16 GROUP ACTIVITY 3 Mindfulness Part I: Introduction & Body Scan Start Time: 1:30 PM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To provide a lived experience of mindfulness To expand and/or strengthen participant self-regulation skills Appendix 2 Handout(s): Appendix 1 Items: Optional Supplies: • Mindfulness • Body Scan Script • Mindfulness Video(s): See Facilitator Resource List – Appendix 1 • Recorded Body Scan Meditation: See Facilitator Resource List – Appendix 1 Activity Instructions: 1. Briefly introduce the concept of mindfulness and the benefits of mindfulness for individuals and couples using the Mindfulness information sheet. Alternatively, or in addition, show a short video explaining mindfulness; some video options are provided in the Facilitator Resources. 2. Invite participants to take a moment to sit in a comfortable position and then read the Body Scan Script provided in Appendix 1 or play the video/audio option selected. Visit the online Mindfulness & Meditation resources listed in the Facilitator Resource List (Appendix 1) for pre-recorded video/audio meditation options. 17 GROUP ACTIVITY 4 Understanding Adult Attachment Start Time: 2:00 PM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • • To introduce adult attachment science To normalize experiences of attachment challenges in partner relationships To increase participant self-awareness and thereby decision-making options Appendix 2 Handout(s): Optional Supplies: • Understanding Attachment Science: Adult Attachment • Adult Attachment Video(s): See Facilitator Resource List – Appendix 1 Activity Instructions: 1. Using the Understanding Attachment Science: Adult Attachment Overview handout as a guide, provide participants with an overview of adult attachment science and in particular the adult attachment types. 2. Retreat facilitators may also choose to include a video highlighting key aspect of adult attachment science. Please visit the online resources in the Facilitator Resources list as a starting place for video content options. 18 PARTNER ACTIVITY 3 Exploring My Relational Attachment Patterns Start Time: 2:30 PM Approximate Time: 45 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To increase participant self-awareness and thereby decision-making options To normalize experiences of insecure attachment dynamics partner relationships Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • Understanding Adult Attachment Science: Exploring My Relational Attachment Patterns • None Activity Instructions: 1. Invite participants to complete the Exploring My Relational Attachment Patterns questionnaire and to note what stands out to them from this activity. 19 FIRST AFTERNOON BREAK Start Time: 3:15 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 20 PROCESS GROUP 2 Establishing Trust & Universality Start Time: 3:30 PM Approximate Time: 60 minutes Process Group Goals: • • To establish a felt sense of trust and emotional safety in the group To facilitate the emergence of a felt sense of universality within the group Process Group Instructions: 1. Invite participants into the group discussion (session) space. 2. Once participants are situated in the group (circle) take a few moments to remind the group of confidentiality and the importance of sticking with one’s own experience (rather than talking about others) when sharing in the group. 3. Begin the group process time with an opening prompt such as: • • What stays with you from today’s activities? What emotions or feelings are you noticing in yourself right now? 4. As retreat participants share, focus on keeping the conversation in the here-and-now keeping in mind the group will likely be in the first stage of group process. References Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. 21 SECOND AFTERNOON BREAK Start Time: 4:30 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 22 GROUP ACTIVITY 5 Articulating Gratitude Part I Start Time: 4:45 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To introduce potential benefits of practicing gratitude To provide participants with a lived experience of expressing gratitude Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • Gratitude • • • Small Blank Paper Slips 4x6 Inch Pieces of Cardstock – Various Colours Gratitude Container – Jar, Basket or Box Activity Instructions: 1. Briefly present the power of gratitude using the Gratitude handout. Introduce ideas for keeping a gratitude practice… Invite retreat participants to verbally add to options you articulate and to record ideas on their Gratitude handout. 2. Invite participants to choose one piece of coloured 4x6 cardstock. 3. Ask participants to refer back the Characteristic List on which they circled some of the own characteristics during the morning Johari Window activity. 4. Invite participants to choose three to five of their own characteristics that they are grateful to have as aspects of their person. Ask participants to record these characteristics on the 4x6 piece of cardstock they selected. 5. Next, invite participants to copy each characteristic from their 4x6 card onto a paper slip (one characteristic per slip of paper). 6. Close this activity by inviting participants to place their small slips of paper into the gratitude container as it is passed around the group. Let participants know slips placed in the container will be used (viewed by other group members) in an upcoming activity. DAY ONE END TIME 5:00 – 5:30 PM 23 DAY TWO 8:30 AM – 5:00 PM GROUP ACTIVITY 6 Mindfulness Part II: Soles of The Feet Start Time: 8:30 AM Approximate Time: 15 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To provide a lived experience of mindfulness To expand and/or strengthen participant self-regulation skills Introductory Information: Today’s mindfulness activity is a practice designed to help us ground ourselves by focusing on the soles of our feet. In times of stress or strong emotional responses, this mindfulness practice can help us move from reacting to acting. Appendix 2 Handout(s): Appendix 1 Resource(s): Optional Supplies: • None • Soles of The Feet Script • Pre-Recorded Soles of Feet Meditation: See Facilitator Resource List – Appendix 1 Activity Instructions: 1. Invite participants to find a seat and to take a moment to sit comfortably. 2. Read the soles of the feet script provided or play a video/audio soles of the feet meditation chosen for this activity. Visit the online Mindfulness & Meditation resources listed in the Facilitator Resource List (Appendix 1) for pre-recorded video/audio meditation options. 24 PARTNER ACTIVITY 4 What Makes Us Start Time: 8:45 AM Approximate Time: 60 minutes Activity Intention(s): • To increase partner awareness of realities that bring them together Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • None • 11x17 Blank Paper Activity Instructions: 1. Invite participants spend five to ten minutes thinking about times/situations when they feel (or have felt) close to their partner. 2. After this reflection time, ask partners to spend about ten minutes sharing their thoughts with one another and then another five minutes to find two or three times/activities/ realities they both agree contribute to the “us” between them. 3. Next, hand out blank sheets of paper and ask partners to draw their agreed upon realities. 4. Invite couples to share their drawings (along with a brief explanation) with the group. Adapted From: Coche, J. (2014). Couples group psychotherapy: A clinical treatment model (2nd ed.). Routledge. 25 MORNING BREAK Start Time: 9:45 AM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 26 PROCESS GROUP 3 Transitioning to Working Through Start Time: 10:00 AM Approximate Time: 90 minutes Process Group Goals: • • • To facilitate a transition from the initial group stage to the working group stage To maintain an emotionally safe environment for personal exploration To continue facilitating universality and openness within the group Process Group Instructions: 1. If needed, rearrange the space to create the group processing space. 2. Invite participants into the group session space. Once participants are situated in the group space, remind participants of the importance of sticking with their own experience rather than talking about their partner and/or others. 3. Begin this group processing time with an opening prompt such as: • • What are you noticing about yourself and your partner relationship? What are noticing about how you live your partner relationship? 4. As participants share, focus on keeping and/or redirecting the conversation in the here-and-now in order to facilitate the transition into the working stage. Invite engagement into deeper processing work with responses such as: • • • If _____ then what? What other feelings are part of this? What is happening for you when _____ is experiencing _____? References Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. 27 LUNCH BREAK Start Time: 11:30 AM Approximate Time: 60 minutes 28 GROUP ACTIVITY 7 Mindfulness Part III: Focusing on An Object Start Time: 12:30 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To provide participants with a lived experience of mindfulness To expand and/or strengthen participant self-regulation skills Introductory Information: In a given day, we see and use many objects that we notice only in passing or on a surface level. The mindfulness exercise we are about to do invites us to take about ten minutes to focus on the details of one object. The purpose of this mindfulness practice is to give our minds a break from the steady stream of thoughts often present in our minds by intentionally turning our attention to the details of one thing (in this case an object). Appendix 2 Handout(s): Appendix 1 Resource: Other Supplies: Optional Supplies: • None • Focusing on An Object Script • Tray of Objects o Rocks o Driftwood o Pinecones o Shells o Candles o Fruit o Other Items • Pre-Recorded External Focusing Meditation: See Facilitator Resource List – Appendix 1 Activity Instructions: 1. Invite participants to select an object from the tray and to then take a moment to be comfortably seated. When participants are comfortable, read the script provided or play the video/audio external object meditation chosen for this activity. Adapted From: https://www.mindful.org/a-meditation-to-focus-attention/ 29 GROUP ACTIVITY 8 Understanding Attachment in Partner Relationships Start Time 12:45 PM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • To provide partners with an opportunity to explore and begin to work through one challenging attachment cycle in their relationship Appendix 2 Handouts: Optional Supplies: • Understanding Attachment Science: Common Attachment Experiences in Partner Relationships • Understanding Attachment Science: Common Cycles in Partner Relationships • Attachment & Partner Dynamics Video(s): See Facilitator Resources – Appendix 1 Activity Instructions: 1. Use the Common Attachment Experiences in Partner Relationships and Common Cycles in Partner Relationships information sheets and/or selected video content to explain how insecure adult attachment dynamics can surface and then create attachment-based challenges in partner relationships. 30 PARTNER ACTIVITY 5 Exploring One Challenge Start Time: 1:15 PM Approximate Time: 60 minutes Activity Intention(s): • To provide partners with an opportunity to explore, and begin to work through, one challenging attachment cycle in their relationship Appendix 2 Handout(s): Optional Supplies: • Understanding Attachment Science: Changing Challenging Cycles • Understanding Attachment Science: Exploring One Challenging Cycle • Other Attachment Pattern Resources See Facilitator Resource List – Appendix 1 Activity Instructions: 1. Use the Changing Challenging Cycles information sheet to introduce ways couples can begin to work together to change the challenging cycles in their relationship. 2. Invite partners to use the Exploring One Challenging Cycle handout as a guide to help them talk about one of their conflicts or cycles in more detail. Invite couples to start their exploration by using the prompts provided on the handout or by recalling a time when one of the three patterns below unfolded in their relationship • • • Attack – Attack Attack – Withdraw Withdraw – Withdraw 3. As couples work together, circulate and provide encouragement and help as needed. References Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company. 31 FIRST AFTERNOON BREAK Start Time: 2:15 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 32 PROCESS GROUP 4 Working Through Challenges Start Time: 2:30 PM Approximate Time: 90 minutes Process Group Goals: • • To facilitate working group stage interactions To maintain an emotionally safe environment for personal exploration Process Group Instructions: 1. If needed, rearrange the space to create the group processing space. 2. Invite participants into the group session space and invite participants to begin sharing when ready. 3. As participants share, focus on keeping and/or redirecting the conversation in the here-and-now in order to facilitate the working and ending stages of the group process. References Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. 33 SECOND AFTERNOON BREAK Start Time: 2:45 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 34 GROUP ACTIVITY 9 Attachment Quotes Start Time: 4:15 PM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • • To facilitate a felt sense of universality within the group To support participant motivations for cultivating secure partner dynamics To continue normalizing attachment needs and challenges within partner relationships Appendix 2 Handout(s): Appendix 1 Resource: Other Supplies: • None • Attachment Quotes Printed on Cardstock • Table(s) for Displaying Quotes Activity Instructions: 1. Invite participants to walk around the table(s) and choose one or two quotes that resonate with them. Provide participants with about ten minutes for this portion of the activity. 2. Ask participants to return to their seats with their selected quote(s). 3. Invite participants to share one quote they selected with the group by simply reading it aloud in the group. If time allows… an alternative option would be to invite participants to read a selected quote aloud in the group and to then share the significance of this quote (how they feel personally connection to the quote they selected) in one or two sentences. DAY TWO END TIME 4:30 – 5:00 PM 35 DAY THREE 8:30 AM – 5:30 PM GROUP ACTIVITY 10 Gratitude or Savouring Walk Start Time: 8:30 AM Approximate Time: 45 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • • To introduce the concept of savouring To expand participant awareness of gratitude practice options To provide participants with a lived experience of gratitude or savouring Introductory Information: A gratitude walk involves walking at a slow and comfortable pace while verbalizing (saying out loud) things you are grateful for. Starting off with simple realities such as “I’m grateful to be walking outside in the fresh air” or “I’m grateful to have time for this walk” is an easy way to get started. While gratitude walking, we can simply verbalize thoughts of gratitude that come to mind. We can also intentionally turn our attention to one facet of our lives (family, work, health, friends), verbalize thoughts of gratitude that arise, and then choose another area to focus on. Savouring is practice related to gratitude. Savouring begins by choosing to focus on a rich and positive experience in our past or our present. Savouring involves noticing details, and then allowing these details to soak in and enrich us. As we savour, it can be helpful to let our senses lead us. What do we notice (or remember) about colour, texture, smell, taste etc. Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • None • None Activity Instructions: 1. After providing introductory information (and route options) invite participants into a twenty-minute gratitude or savouring walk. When people return, provide a smooth transition into the next activity in order to sustain an atmosphere of reflection. Adapted From: https://gratefulness.org/resource/treat-yourself-to-an-immune-boosting-mood-elevating-gratitudewalk/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/click-here-happiness/201807/what-is-savoring-and-why-isit-the-key-happiness 36 GROUP ACTIVITY 11 Articulating Gratitude Part II Start Time: 9:15 AM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • To provide participants with a lived experience of expressing gratitude Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • None • • Blank Paper Slips Gratitude Container – Jar, Basket or Box Activity Instructions: 1. Invite participants to take three to five blank paper slips and to record some words or thoughts of gratitude (or savouring) they experienced while walking. 2. In addition, invite participants to find and then add the gratitude items on their slips to their 4x6 piece of cardstock from yesterday’s gratitude activities. 3. When participants have finished writing, pass the gratitude container around the room and invite people to place their paper slips into the gratitude container. 4. If time allows, invite participants to verbally share (in two or three sentences) what remains with them from their experience of the gratitude or savouring walk. 37 PARTNER ACTIVITY 6 Drawing Our Relationship Start Time: 9:30 AM Approximate Time: 60 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To facilitate meaningful partner conversations regarding their relational dynamics To provide opportunities for couples to see their relationship in new ways Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • None • 11x17 Blank Paper Activity Instructions: 1. Give one 11x17 blank sheet of paper to each couple. Explain that couples will be drawing themselves “on a good day” in their relationship. Explain that while each person will be drawing themselves, both partners will need to agree (before any drawing begins) about how each person will be drawing themselves. 2. Invite participants to use ten to fifteen minutes to talk about how they will each draw themselves “on a good day” and prompt couples to use the next five to ten minutes for the drawing process. Partners will share one 11x17 sheet of paper for the drawing. 3. Hand a second piece of 11x17 blank paper to each couple. Invite couples to use ten to fifteen minutes to talk about how they will each draw themselves “during a challenging cycle or conflict” and then allow five to ten minutes for the drawing process. Once again, each couple will be using one sheet of 11x17 paper for both people’s drawings. 4. Invite couples to show both of their drawings to the group and to provide a brief verbal explanation of each drawing. Encourage couples to stick with what is most significant (what stands out for them) about each of their drawings (or about the process of creating the drawings) rather than telling the group about the conflict or good day that may have inspired the drawings. Adapted From: Coche, J. (2014). Couples group psychotherapy: A clinical treatment model (2nd ed.). Routledge. 38 MORNING BREAK Start Time: 10:30 AM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 39 PROCESS GROUP 5 Working Stage Interactions Start Time: 10:45 AM Approximate Time: 90 minutes Process Group Goals: • • To facilitate working group stage interactions To maintain an emotionally safe environment for personal exploration Process Group Instructions: 1. If needed, rearrange the space to create the group processing space. 2. Invite participants into the group session space. 3. Begin this group processing time with an opening prompt such as: • • What came up for you in the previous drawing activity? As you and your partner worked to agree on the way you would draw yourselves, in the previous activity, what did you notice? 4. As participants share, focus on keeping and/or redirecting the conversation in the here-and-now in order to facilitate the transition into the working stage. References Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. 40 LUNCH BREAK Start Time: 12:15 PM Approximate Time: 60 minutes 41 GROUP ACTIVITY 12 Exploring Next Steps & Resources Start Time 1:15 PM Approximate Time: 45 minutes Activity Intention(s): • To provide participants with next step options as well as some time to discuss these options as a couple Appendix 2 Handout(s): Optional Supplies: • Exploring the Science of Love: Possible Next Steps & Resource List • • • Table Displaying Resources Digital Projector Laptop Computer Activity Instructions: 1. Using the Exploring the Science of Love: Possible Next Steps & Resource List as a starting point, outline next step options and resources available for retreat participants. If you have access to copies of the print materials, make them available for couples to view through during this activity. Facilitators are also encouraged to show some of the online resources listed using a laptop and a digital projector. 2. Ask couples to spend fifteen to twenty minutes viewing and discussing the resources as well as possible next step options available. 42 FIRST AFTERNOON BREAK Start Time: 2:00 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 43 PROCESS GROUP 6 The Ending Stage Start Time: 2:15 PM Approximate Time: 90 minutes Process Group Goals: • • To facilitate a transition from the working stage to the ending group stage To maintain an emotionally safe environment for personal exploration Process Group Instructions: 1. If needed, rearrange the space to create the group processing space. 2. Invite participants into the group session space. 3. Begin the group processing time with an opening prompt inviting participants to explore their feelings related to the end of the retreat such as: • As this retreat comes to a close, what stays with… or comes up for you? 4. As participants share, focus on keeping and/or redirecting the conversation in the here-and-now and the upcoming ending (close) of this retreat. References Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. 44 SECOND AFTERNOON BREAK Start Time: 3:45 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes 45 GROUP ACTIVITY 13 Articulating Gratitude Part III Start Time: 4:00 PM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To facilitate a shared experience of articulating gratitude To provide an opportunity for participants to notice similarities and differences between their own experiences of gratitude and that of other retreat participants Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • None • Gratitude Container of Completed Slips Activity Instructions: 1. Pass the gratitude container around the group and invite each participant to randomly draw out five slips of paper. 2. Invite participants to read the slips they have drawn and to interiorly note what resonates as a similarity to their own experience(s) of gratitude and/or as a contrast. 3. After providing individuals with a few minutes to reflect, invite group members to verbally share a gratitude slip that resonates with them (or a slip that surprised them/felt new to them). 4. At the end of the sharing, ask participants to return the slips to the gratitude container. 46 GROUP ACTIVITY 14 Retreat Evaluation Start Time: 4:30 PM Approximate Time: 15 minutes Activity Intention(s): • • To provide an opportunity for participants to give feedback about their experience To gather information to inform future retreat planning Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • Retreat Evaluation Form • Container (Basket or Box) Activity Instructions: 1. Provide each participant with a Retreat Evaluation Form. Ask participants to take about ten minutes to complete and submit this evaluation and let participants know the information they choose to share will be used to help you make changes (improvements) to upcoming retreats. 2. Invite participants to fold their form when they are finished writing and to then place it in the provided container. 47 GROUP ACTIVITY 15 Retreat Closing Start Time: 4:45 PM Approximate Time: 30 minutes Activity Intention(s): • To create a sense of closure by providing a concrete ending activity for participants Appendix 2 Handout(s): Other Supplies: • None • Blank 4x6 Pieces of Coloured Cardstock Activity Instructions: 3. Ask participants to select a piece of cardstock. 4. Invite participants to take a few minutes to scan the items in their folder and/or to reflect on their experiences during this retreat. 5. Next, invite participants to record in writing what they will be taking with them from this retreat experience. After about fifteen minutes, invite participants to simply read some or all of what they have written to the group. 6. Close this activity (and the retreat) with a word, phrase or sentence that remains with you (the facilitator) after sharing this time and accompanying these couples in their work. RETREAT END TIME 5:00 – 5:30 PM 48 Appendix 1 Additional Facilitator Resources 49 Participant Screening & Orientation Sessions Introductory Information Prior to this retreat, it will be important to meet with potential participant couples to determine if the overarching goals of this program align with the intentions and relational needs of a given couple. This retreat is intended for committed couples have been together long enough for attachment bonds to develop (about one to three years). Furthermore, this retreat is intended for couples who want to better understand their relational dynamics and/or strengthen their relationship. Since this program is designed to be a prevention and/or early intervention experience, it will be important to assess the level of relational distress present in each potential participant couple. If significant indicators of relational distress: criticism, contempt, and/or stonewalling (Gottman & Sliver, 1999) are evident, a referral to intervention options such as emotion focused therapy is strongly suggested since such options will address the couple’s challenges more directly and quickly. Appendix 2 Handouts: • Exploring the Science of Love: An Introduction Experience for Committed Couples • Confidentiality Components for Discussion: • • • • • • • Retreat Intentions Potential Participants’ Hopes & Intentions Retreat Format: Combination of Individual, Partner and Group Activities Retreat Topics: Science of Love – Adult Attachment, Mindfulness & Gratitude Group Engagement Expectations Confidentiality Expectations Potential Participant Questions Components for Observation: • • Presence or absence of significant relational distress Evidence that both partners are interested in growing the relationship References Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press. Johnson, S. M. (2015). The hold me tight program: Conversations for connection. Facilitators guide for small groups (3rd ed.). International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. 50 – FACILITATOR RESOURCE LIST – Adult Attachment Books Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company. Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Hachette Book Group. Johnson, S. M. (2015). The hold me tight program: Conversations for connection. Facilitators guide for small groups (3rd ed.). International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. Online Resources Dr. Sue Johnson https://drsuejohnson.com/ Online Hold Me Tight Program https://holdmetightonline.com/ Emotion Focused Therapy Books Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples and families. The Guilford Press. Johnson, S. M. (2020). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (3rd.). Routledge. Online Resources Dr. Sue Johnson https://drsuejohnson.com/ International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy https://iceeft.com/ 51 – FACILITATOR RESOURCE LIST – Group Therapy Books Coche, J. (2014). Couples group psychotherapy: A clinical treatment model (2nd ed.). Routledge. Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy (5th ed.). Basic Books. Online Resources American Group Psychotherapy Association https://www.agpa.org/ Dr. Irvin Yalom https://www.yalom.com/ International Association for Group Psychotherapy and Group Processes https://www.iagp.com/ Gratitude Books Emmons, R. A. (2016). The little book of gratitude: Create a life of happiness and wellbeing by giving thanks. Hachette Book Group. Online Resources Gratefulness https://gratefulness.org/ Greater Good Science Center https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/ 52 – FACILITATOR RESOURCE LIST – Mindfulness Books Collard, P. (2014). The little book of mindfulness: 10 minutes a day to less stress, more peace. Hachette Book Group. Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M., & Teasdale, J. (2013). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. Sockolov, M. (2018). Practicing mindfulness: 75 Essential meditations to reduce stress, improve mental health and find peace. Althea Press. Online Resources The Free Mindfulness Project https://www.freemindfulness.org/ Urban Mindfulness http://urbanmindfulness.org/ Mindfulness & Meditation Online Resources Anxiety Canada https://www.anxietycanada.com/ Do-Meditation https://www.do-meditation.com/ Greater Good Science Center https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/ Integrative Stress Management Program https://managestress.ca/ Self-Compassion https://self-compassion.org/ The Daily Meditation https://www.thedailymeditation.com/ 53 – SUPPLY LIST – DAY ONE Appendix 2 Handouts: Appendix 1 Items: Other Supplies: Optional Supplies: Optional Resources • Retreat Overview • Group Confidentiality Agreement • Exploring Intentions & Apprehensions • Characteristics List • Knowing One Another Question Sets • Mindfulness • Gratitude • Understanding Attachment Science: Adult Attachment • Understanding Adult Attachment Science: Exploring My Relational Attachment Patterns • Body Scan Script • • • • • • • • • • Twin Folders Writing Utensils Pencil Crayons Soft Chalk Pastels Oil Pastels Blank Paper – Full Sheets Johari Window Diagram(s) Small Blank Paper Slips 4x6 Inch Pieces of Cardstock – Various Colours Gratitude Container – Jar, Basket or Box • • • • Digital Projector Digital Johari Window Diagram Laptop Computer Whiteboard & Markers Find & Select Using Facilitator Resource List • • • Mindfulness Video(s) Pre-Recorded Body Scan Meditation Adult Attachment Video(s) 54 – SUPPLY LIST – DAY TWO Appendix 2 Handouts: Appendix 1 Items: Other Supplies: Optional Supplies: Optional Resources • Understanding Attachment Science: Common Attachment Experiences in Partner Relationships • Understanding Attachment Science: Common Cycles in Partner Relationships • Understanding Attachment Science: Changing Challenging Cycles • Understanding Attachment Science: Exploring One Challenging Cycle • • • Soles of The Feet Script Focusing on An Object Script Attachment Quotes à Printed on Cardstock • • • • Writing Utensils 11x17 Blank Paper Tray of Objects o Rocks o Driftwood o Pinecones o Shells o Candles o Fruit o Other Items Table(s) for Displaying Quotes • • Digital Projector Laptop Computer Find & Select Using Facilitator Resource List Appendix 1 • • • • Pre-Recorded Soles of Feet Meditation Pre-Recorded External Focusing Meditation Attachment & Partner Dynamics Video(s) Other Challenging Cycle Resources 55 – SUPPLY LIST – DAY THREE Appendix 2 Handouts: Other Supplies: Optional Supplies: Optional Resources • Exploring Attachment Science: Possible Next Steps & Resource List • Retreat Evaluation Form • • • • • • Writing Utensils Blank Paper Slips Gratitude Container – Jar, Basket or Box Blank Paper à 11x17 Blank 4x6 Pieces of Coloured Cardstock Container (for evaluation forms) • • • Table Displaying Resources Digital Projector Laptop Computer Find & Select Using Facilitator Resource List Appendix 1 • • • • Pre-Recorded Soles of Feet Meditation Pre-Recorded External Focusing Meditation Attachment & Partner Dynamics Video(s) Other Challenging Cycle Resources 56 DAY ONE BODY SCAN SCRIPT Take a moment to settle into a comfortable location and position for this activity. You are welcome to remain in your chair. If you would prefer to sit on the floor for this exercise, take a moment to move to the floor now. Once seated, settle into a comfortable position. Notice your body on the floor, chair or cushion. Notice your feet on the ground. Turn your attention to your hands; move them to a place that feels comfortable. You are welcome to have your eyes open or closed for this activity. If you choose to have your eyes open, take a moment to focus your gaze softly on an object in the room or to drop your gaze softly to the floor, four to six feet in front of you. Turn your attention to your breath. Notice the air moving into your body… and moving out… moving in… and moving out. Continue to breathe naturally, at a pace that feels comfortable. As you breathe, notice the natural movement of air flowing in… and out. Continue to focus on your breath for three more breaths. Now bring your attention to your feet. Notice the physical sensations that are present. You might notice a tingling sensation, a feeling of warmth… or maybe a sensation of coolness. Allow yourself to remain focused on your feet for another moment. Allow all the sensations that are present in your feet right now. This exercise is intended to increase our awareness of the physical sensations in our body without trying to change them. If you notice tension in a particular area of your body, during this exercise, take a moment to breathe into that area and to simply acknowledge the tension that exists. Move your attention from your feet to the lower part of your legs… Notice the sensations present above your feet and below your knees. Take a moment to focus your attention on your left lower leg… and then your right lower leg. Now shift your attention from your lower legs into your knees; notice the sensations in your knees. Do you feel warming, tingling, tension? Notice and allow whatever sensations are present. Move your awareness from your knees to the upper part of your legs. Focus on your right leg and then your left leg. Simply notice the sensations that are present. You may have noticed your attention shifting from your body to thoughts or perhaps to sounds in the room during this activity. This drifting of our focus is normal and expected. Our minds are accustomed to noticing and following thoughts. When you notice your mind has drifted, simply bring your attention back to your body and allow yourself to refocus on the sensations in your body. Now shift your attention from your stomach and notice the sensations there. When you feel ready, move your focus from your stomach to your chest. Notice the sensations in your chest. Take a moment to breathe into to your chest and to feel the air moving into your lungs, expanding your chest… and then moving out of your chest and into the room. Notice this movement of air and the rise and fall of your chest for three more breaths. 57 Next turn your attention to your shoulders… Notice the sensations in your shoulders. And take a moment to breathe into your shoulders. Now move your attention to your right arm… And when you feel ready… to your left arm. Notice the sensations in your arms, gently bringing your awareness to what is happening in your arms at this moment. Allow your focus to move to your neck, and then to your face. Notice how your head and neck are seated between (and supported by) your shoulders and your torso. Notice the sensations in your cheeks… and in your jaw. Take a moment to breathe. Bring your attention to the top of your head. Notice all sensations in your head. Take a moment to notice the interconnectedness of your whole body. Head to shoulders, shoulders to arms and torso, torso to legs and feet. Notice sensations of warmth, or coolness, of tingling, of heaviness or lightness. Accept each sensation in your body. Return your focus to your breath. Feel the movement of air as you breathe in… and out. Focus on your breathing for three more breaths… preparing to bring your attention back into the room. When you feel ready, gently open your eyes if they are closed, lift your gaze and slowly bring your focus back into the room. Adapted From: https://anxietycanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Body_Scan.pdf 58 DAY TWO SOLES OF THE FEET SCRIPT If you would like to be seated, for this activity, take a moment sit comfortably in your chair. If you would prefer to stand take a moment to find a place on either side of the group circle. In order to give everyone a felt sense of personal space, please face the front of the session room if you have chosen to stand. If you would prefer to close your eyes for this activity, feel free to close them now. If you would prefer to have your eyes open, take a moment to lower your gaze and softly focus on a spot on the floor four to six feet in front of you. Now turn your attention to your breath. Notice the air moving in… moving out… moving in… and moving out. Continue to breathe naturally, at a pace that feels comfortable. As you breathe, continue to notice the air flowing in… and out… flowing in… and out. Gently turn your attention to the soles of your feet. Notice the sensations in the soles of your feet. Notice if they are cool… or warm. If your feet are not on the floor, take a moment to place them on the floor. Notice the pressure of the floor beneath your feet. Take a moment to give a thought of gratitude for these feet that support you and carry you. Think of something wonderful or relaxing that these feet enable you to experience. Take a moment to imagine roots extending from the soles of your feet, through the floor and down into the earth. Notice how it feels to be connected down into the earth. If you notice your attention wanders to thoughts or to sounds around you, simply notice this change in focus and then gently bring your attention back to your feet. Now take a moment to notice your left foot. Notice how it feels to be in contact with your sock… to move your left foot slightly. Notice all parts of this foot… the ball of your foot, the arch… the top of your left foot… and toes. Direct your attention to your right foot. Notice how it feels to be in contact with your sock. Move your right foot slightly and notice all parts of this foot… the ball, the arch… the top of your right foot… and toes. Now… Turn your attention back to both feet and take a moment to move both feet slightly. Notice the sensations that arise when you move your feet. Now draw your attention away from your feet and back to your breath. Notice the natural rhythm of air moving into your chest and out and then follow this natural movement of air into your body and out… in… and out. Focus on your breathing for three more breaths… preparing to bring your attention back into the room. When you feel ready, gently open your eyes if they are closed, lift your gaze and slowly bring your focus back into the room. Adapted From: https://managestress.ca/soles-of-the-feet-grounding-exercise/ https://anxietycanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Body_Scan.pdf 59 DAY TWO FOCUSING ON AN OBJECT SCRIPT Set the object you have chosen for this activity in front of you. Take a moment to notice your breath and the movement of air in… and out… of your body. Without touching the object, you have chosen to observe in this activity, begin to notice the visual details of the object. Notice the approximate size of the object and the object’s general shape… Is this object rectangular, round, a combination? Next… notice the details you can see in the object’s surface… Does the surface look smooth or rough? Notice how the light in the room is falling on this object… Does the object appear shiny or dull? Is the object dark or light? Are colours visible? Now turn your attention to the object’s sides or edges… Do the edges appear to be square or rounded… sharp or smooth? What other details do you notice? Now take the object in your hands and notice how it feels to hold this object. If you feel drawn to close your eyes in order to focus more fully on the object, feel free to do so. Notice how this object feels in your hands. Does it feel heavy or light? Is this object soft or hard? Smooth or rough? Does it feel cool or warm? Take a few moments to notice the different parts of this object. Does it vary significantly from one part to another or are all the parts similar to one another? If you chose to close your eyes, gently open them and gaze upon the object once more. Take another moment or two to notice what stands out to you about this particular object. When you feel ready, set the object beside or in front of you, notice your breath and gently begin to bring your attention back into the room. When you feel ready, return your full attention to the room by lifting your gaze. If you would like to keep the object you selected for this practice, feel free to do so. If you would prefer to return the object, simply return to object to the tray as we transition into the lunch break. Adapted From: https://www.do-meditation.com/object-focused-meditation.html http://static1.1.sqspcdn.com/static/f/1310504/16951447/1330916196567/UM+Mindfulness+o f+Things.pdf?token=ylbWb05%2BrpOai75mWZhZCoKpS4A%3D 60 DAY TWO ATTACHMENT QUOTE WALLET CARDS “The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be” “Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic primary need like oxygen or water” Hold Me Tight Johnson, 2008 p. 23-24 Hold Me Tight Johnson, 2008 p. 27 “The attachment view of love… guides us to the moments that make and break a relationship” “We are… healthier and happier when we are close and connected” Hold Me Tight Johnson, 2008 p. 35 Love Sense Johnson, 2013 p. 23 “People in love relationships… are not distinct entities acting independently; they are part of a dynamic dyad” “At the core of happy relationships is a deep trust that partners matter… and will reliably respond when needed” Love Sense Johnson, 2013 p. 17 Love Sense Johnson, 2013 p. 26 “Nothing makes us stronger and happier than loving, stable long-term bonds with others” “A secure relationship is one in which we learn to become emotionally intelligent” Love Sense Johnson, 2013 p. 65 Love Sense Johnson, 2013 p. 79 “The better you are at listening to… emotions and sending clear signals, the better your relationship will be” “The greatest gift… a lover has to give a lover is emotionally attuned and timely responsiveness” Love Sense Johnson, 2013 p. 82 Love Sense Johnson, 2013 p. 91 61 Appendix 2 Participant Handouts 62 – Exploring Attachment Science – An Introductory Experience for Committed Couples Retreat Overview Image Credit: ã Kristy Bachman Retreat Introduction Neuroscience and other areas of research have clearly demonstrated that people thrive in the context of close, intimate connections – known as attachment bonds – throughout their lifespans. As adults, people most commonly experience attachment bonds – along with attachment related challenges – in their committed long-term partner relationships. Attachment science – also known as the science of love – clearly shows a strong relationship between a couple’s attachment dynamics and the long-term health of both partners. Knowing and applying attachment science can improve your own wellbeing and that of your partner. Understanding the science of love enables us to live our partner relationships with increased awareness and thereby more informed decision-making. This retreat is an introduction to attachment science and is designed to be growth journey in knowledge, personal awareness, and as a result, personal empowerment. Retreat Intentions • To provide introductory information regarding attachment science and its implications for adult partner relationships • To increase understanding and awareness and thereby decision-making power • To provide initial opportunities for partners to explore their individual attachment styles and to consider challenging attachment cycles present in their relationship • To provide lived experiences of mindfulness and gratitude practices that support the cultivation of secure attachment dynamics in partner relationships • To provide lived experiences of group processing 63 Confidentiality Introductory Information Retreat Facilitators The facilitators of this retreat are therapists. Therapists (counsellors) are legally and ethically required to keep your information confidential unless one of the following exceptions emerges: • • • A threat or potential threat to the safety of yourself or another Information regarding the abuse or neglect of a minor or incapacitated adult Court subpoenas Retreat Participants Confidentiality between group members (retreat participants), however, is not a legal agreement. As a result, the following group confidentiality agreement is based on respect for others and the retreat (group) process. As a participant in this retreat, you have the right to be respected by having the information you choose to share kept private and confidential. You also have the responsibility to extend this same respect to all participants in this retreat. If you feel for one reason or another, that you will be unable to maintain the confidentiality of members in this group (retreat), please ask the facilitator(s) for other options prior to the start date of the retreat. Retreat Confidentiality Agreement As a participating member of this retreat, I understand the importance of group confidentiality. With my signature below, I commit to keeping personal information of other group members (retreat participants) private and confidential. I understand this means I will not disclose any information about group members including their names and information they share during this retreat with anyone outside of this retreat. Participant Name: _______________________________ Please Print Participant Signature: _______________________________ Date: _________________ Facilitator Name: _______________________________ Please Print Facilitator Signature: _______________________________ Date: _________________ Adapted From: https://www.purdue.edu/caps/services/group_therapy/files/CAPS%20Group%20Agreement%202019.pdf 64 Exploring Intentions & Apprehensions Introductory Information • When we choose to participate in something new, it can be beneficial to spend a few minutes reflection on what we hope to experience along with personal intentions that will help us achieve our desired outcomes. It can also be helpful to note any apprehensions along with our motivations. • For the next ten minutes, you are invited respond in writing to some or all of the prompts below. At the end of the writing time, you will be invited to verbally share some or all of what you have written. Although sharing is not a requirement, expressing our intentions helps us to internalize and remember them. As a result, sharing is encouraged. Prompts • Keeping in mind the overarching intentions of this retreat, what do you hope to gain from this introduction to attachment science and its implications for partner relationships? • What personal characteristics and/or motivations can you count on as you engage in the various exploratory individual, partner and group activities ahead of you? • Are there any apprehensions you are noticing as you begin this retreat experience? 65 Characteristics List Accepting Adaptable Adventurous Affectionate Ambitious Articulate Assertive Authentic Bold Calm Charismatic Contemplative Committed Compassionate Confident Conscientious Courageous Creative Curious Daring Decisive Dedicated Determined Disciplined Discreet Encouraging Empathic Expressive Faithful Forgiving Generous Gentle Gracious Genuine Gregarious Honest Helpful Humble Imaginative Innovative Intuitive Insightful Loving Loyal Kind Observant Open Optimistic Passionate Patient Perceptive Playful Quiet Reliable Respectful Responsive Resourceful Responsible Romantic Sensitive Sincere Spontaneous Steadfast Systematic Thoughtful Thorough Understanding Versatile Warm Wise 66 Knowing One Another Question Sets Set I 1. If you could have anyone in the world for dinner, who would you choose? 2. If you were heading out on a road trip, what are three things you would be sure to take? 3. What makes you angrier than you think it should? 4. When and where do you get your best ideas? 5. What would be an absolutely perfect day? 6. Would you rather have an extra $500 a month or an extra hour per day? 7. What are you most grateful for? 8. What was the best part of being raised by your parents? 9. Name two things you and your partner have in common. 10. If you could wake up tomorrow with one new ability or quality, what would you choose? Set II 1. What personal accomplishment are you most proud of? Why? 2. What is your best memory? 3. What was the worst hour of your life? 4. If you knew you only one year to live, how would you change the way you’re living? 5. How do you feel about the relationship between you and your mom? 6. What is one mistake that you find yourself repeating? 7. What does friendship mean to you? 8. From whom do you receive love and affection? To whom do you give it? 9. What is something you think you should do but probably never will? 10. Of everything you own, what two objects are most important to you? Why? Set III 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Complete the following sentence: “I wish I had someone I could share…” When was the last time you cried in someone’s presence? Alone? Tell your partner three things you like about them that others would not readily notice. What is your most embarrassing memory from your childhood? If you and your partner were going to be close friends, what would your partner need to know about you? 6. Who is the last person that deeply disappointed you? 7. What are three things you enjoy doing with your partner? 8. What do you enjoy most about sex and lovemaking with your partner? 9. If you died three hours from now, what would you regret not doing (or not saying)? 10. Complete the following sentence: “I feel loved by you when you…” Adapted From: Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003 Our Momentsâ Couples: Conversation starters for great relationships [Game]. California Essentials. 67 Mindfulness Mindfulness involves being open and receptive to the present moment and also includes allowing our emotions to rise up and to pass Research clearly shows a strong connection between the practice of mindfulness and wellbeing People who regularly practice mindfulness • • • • • • are more attentive to the present find day to day experiences less stressful report greater acceptance of their experiences interact with more empathy find it easier to identify & communicate emotions report feeling happier in their relationships Image Credit: ã Kristy Bachman Mindfulness… In Partner Relationships enables partners to be more intentional & less reactive decreases the distress partners experience during conflicts increases empathy & in-the-moment communication References Dixon, H. C., & Overall, N. C. (2018). Regulating fears of rejection: Dispositional mindfulness attenuates the links between daily conflict, rejection fears, and destructive relationship behaviors. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(2), 159–179. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516678486 Lenger, K. A., Gordon, C. L., & Nguyen, S. P. (2017). Intra-individual and cross-partner associations between the five facets of mindfulness and relationship satisfaction. Mindfulness, 8(1), 171–180. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-016-0590-0 Wachs, K., & Cordova, J. V. (2007). Mindful relating: Exploring mindfulness and emotion repertoires in intimate relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(4), 464–481. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.17520606.2007.00032.x 68 Gratitude Gratitude is the positive sensation we experience when we receive something physical, emotional or spiritual that holds significance for us Practicing Gratitude increases a felt sense of wellbeing decreases loneliness strengthens relationships People Use Gratitude Journals Gratitude Walks Gratitude Jars And other creative means… to express gratitude Image Credit: ã Kristy Bachman Gratitude Practice Ideas References Bartlett, M. Y., & Arpin, S. N. (2019). Gratitude and loneliness: Enhancing health and well-being in older adults. Research on Aging, 41(8), 772–793. https://doi.org/10.1177/0164027519845354 McCullough, M. E., Kilpatrick, S. D., Emmons, R. A., & Larson, D. B. (2001). Is gratitude a moral affect? Psychological Bulletin, 127(2), 249–266. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.127.2.249 69 – Understanding Attachment Science – Adult Attachment Overview Introduction Attachment is a powerful component of intimate, long-term relationships. In adulthood, people live attachment bonds primarily with their partners. An attachment bond between two adult partners exists when both partners • • • consistently prefer (choose) proximity to one another resist or display distress in the face of extended separations from one another utilize the partnership as a support for exploration and activities outside the relationship Image Credit: ã Kristy Bachman Partner Relationships • Adults enter a partner relationship with an established attachment type or style created within their families of origin. In some cases, previous adult partner relationships (attachments) may also contribute to an adult’s current attachment functioning. • In early life, people respond to relational and emotional stressors with or emotionally protective stances involving vigilance (anxiety) and/or distancing (avoidance). These stances can develop into relational (attachment) patterns if emotional stressors are common (or long-term) in a person’s early years of life. 70 Partner Relationships Continued • Most adults experience attachment anxiety (vigilance) or avoidance (distancing) responses when significant relational stressors such as period of extended separation from one’s partner are present. These reflexive (and often intense) protective reactions are reminders of the significance of attachment bonds throughout our lives. • When attachment related reactions of distancing and/or vigilance show up in partner relationships, partners need to work through the attachment challenge together in order to establish a health long-term emotional dynamic with one another. • To be specific, when attachment related reactions arise, the impacted partner(s) need(s) to articulate their feelings and the other partner(s) need(s) to respond to by being emotionally available, present and responsive. • Although this may sound straight forward, a proactive stance of open communication and emotional responsiveness is often very challenging for partners. • Attachment science provides a clear path for couples who desire to shift attachment dynamics in their relationship towards the supportive (rather than reactive) responses that characterize secure and healthy partner dynamics. • Since avoidant and anxious reactions exist to some degree in many adult partner relationships, most couples will benefit from attachment dynamics explorations. References Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132 Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Hachette Book Group. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. 71 – Understanding Attachment Science – Exploring My Relational Attachment Patterns Instructions: Using the scale of strongly disagree to strongly agree, respond to each of the following relational statements keeping in mind your current and past romantic relationships. Choose the response that most often, and mostly honestly, describes your experience. Relational Statements Set I Response Options: Strongly Disagree Disagree Relational Experience Statements Neutral Agree My Responses Strongly Agree Scoring Most of the time my partner does not want to be as close as I would like I worry my partner will not want to be with me if they find out who I really am I worry about measuring up to my partner’s expectations I usually want more physical affection and cuddling than my partner does I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with my partner I worry about my partner leaving me I feel very comfortable being close to romantic partners I usually discuss my problems and concerns with my partner Set I Total Score = _____ Set I Scoring Guide: Strongly Disagree 1 Disagree 2 Neutral 3 Agree 4 Strongly Agree 5 72 Relational Statements Set II Response Options: Strongly Disagree Disagree Relational Experience Statements Neutral Agree My Responses Strongly Agree Scoring In my relationships, I tend to keep my feelings to myself I find it difficult to rely on my partner I typically prefer less cuddling and physical affection than my partner My partner often complains that I am not very affectionate with them I feel uncomfortable opening up to partners I do not worry about my partner leaving me I feel uneasy when partners get too close When I am feeling upset, I prefer to be alone Set II Total Score = _____ Set II Scoring Guide: Strongly Disagree 1 Disagree Neutral Agree Strongly Agree 2 3 4 5 Scoring Interpretations: Individuals with score of thirty or higher in Set I and a score of twenty-five or lower in Set II are likely living some aspects of attachment anxiety in their partner relationships. Conversely, individuals with a score of twenty-five or lower in Set I and a score of thirty or higher in Set II are likely living elements of attachment avoidance in their partner relationships. Adapted From: http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/measures/ecrr.htm Fraley, R. C., Waller, N. G., & Brennan, K. A. (2000). An item response theory analysis of self-report measures of adult attachment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 350–365. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.350 Reference Wei, M., Russell, D. W., Mallinckrodt, B., & Vogel, D. L. (2007). The experiences in close relationship scale (ECR)-short form: Reliability, validity, and factor structure. Journal of Personality Assessment, 88(2), 187– 204. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223890701268041 73 – Understanding Attachment Science – Common Attachment Experiences in Partner Relationships Image Credit: ã Kristy Bachman People with Secure (or strongly connected) relational attachment patterns will likely experience many of the following in partner relationships • • • • • • Comfort expressing & receiving affection A pattern of reaching out to one’s partner in times of stress Confidence while expressing one’s needs & preferences Openness to hearing and responding to the needs of one’s partner Commitment to working through relational challenges as they arise A felt sense of one’s value within & beyond the relationship Anxious (or vigilant) relational attachment patterns will likely experience some of the following in partner relationships • • • • • Worries about rejection Worries about their partner being unresponsive or unavailable Sensitivity to partner’s facial expressions, tone of voice… Tendencies to minimize their own needs & adapt to their partner Doubts about oneself Avoidant (or distancing) relational attachment patterns will likely experience some of the following in partner relationships • • • • • Preference for self-reliance Mistrust of their partner Tendencies to emotionally & physically distance Challenges with giving emotional support to their partner Discomfort showing & receiving affection References Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2001). Predictors of caregiving in adult intimate relationships: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(6), 972–994. Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Hachette Book Group. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. 74 – Understanding Attachment Science – Common Cycles in Partner Relationships Introductory Information • When two people “partner” their individual patterns of attachment begin to interact; previously existing patterns of vigilance and/or distancing often become evident • When times of avoidance and/or anxiety are noticed and effectively worked through by both partners these attachment related challenges show up less often and with less intensity as the relationship grows. • If moments when attachment anxiety and/or avoidance arise are not effectively dealt with, these attachment challenges start to surface more and more often. In time, protective stance of vigilance and/or distancing can morph into relational patterns or set points. Once rooted, these patterns decrease intimacy and erode the relationship. • Understanding attachment early in a relationship equips partners with the knowledge and awareness they need to work through attachment challenges as they arise. Common Challenging Cycles Attack – Attack Both partners become overwhelmed with emotions and lash out Pursue – Withdraw One partner reaches for the other (often in a demanding manner) and the other partner withdraws by increasing their emotional and/or physical distance Withdraw – Withdraw Both partners distance in order to emotionally protect themselves Working through attachment challenges early and diligently builds a strong relationship and increases the happiness of both partners References Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company. Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Hachette Book Group. 75 – Understanding Attachment Science – Changing Challenging Cycles Emotional responsiveness exists when both partners ARE Accessible o Attentive and emotionally open to their partner o o Accepting of their partner’s needs & fears Offering their partner consistent care & comfort o o Emotionally present for their partner Intimately connected to their partner Responsive Engaged “Emotional responsiveness… is the key to a lasting love” (Johnson, 2008, p. 49) Challenging Cycles CHANGE as partners work together to • notice their challenging cycle(s) • catch their cycle(s) as they are unfolding in real time • be emotionally responsive by o verbalizing deeper (underlying) feelings to one another o being emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged o naming underlying fears or discomforts o looking at challenging interactions or cycle(s) in order to understand the challenges (and one another) better References Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company. Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Hachette Book Group. 76 – Understanding Attachment Science – Exploring One Challenge Instructions: As a couple, use the prompts below to explore one a challenging interaction you both remember. As you talk, write out or draw any cycles (patterns) you notice. In this challenging moment did you… pursue (or want to pursue) by o saying critical or belittling comments o labelling your partner o some other means of attacking distance (or want to distance) by o o o o being silent physically withdrawing or leaving saying defensive statements some other means of withdrawing Common Outward Emotions Common Underlying Emotions Pursuer: Anger, Frustration, Resentment, Anxiety, Jealousy Pursuer: Rejected, Inadequate, Hopeless, Fear, Sadness, Unimportant, Frozen/Numb Distancer: Anger, Frustration, Resentment, Anxiety, Jealousy Distancer: Hurt, Alone, Isolated, Unimportant, Sadness, Fear, Unloved As you explore this challenge together work together to do some of the following… • draw out the interaction and/or cycle • complete the following statements When you ______________ I ______________ and then _______________ When I ______________ you ______________ and then _______________ • identify what you’re each experiencing (feeling) at different points in this interaction • find places in the interaction (cycle) where you can stop the back and forth (or cycle) Adapted From: Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company. 77 – Exploring Attachment Science – Possible Next Steps Introductory Information This retreat has provided an introduction to adult attachment science along with some initial opportunities to work with your partner to create attachment dynamics that support the emotional health of your relationship. It is our hope that you and your partner are leaving with a greater understanding of attachment science and some tools to help you create a lifetime of love. Since learning new ways of being takes time, effort and often some support, we invite you to explore the attached resource list and/or to participate in one of the listed next step options. Next Step Options The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection ~ Johnson, 2015 The Hold Me Tight Program (HmT) is an in-depth educational program that provides a comprehensive look into partner relationships. In this program, couples explore adult attachment science through facilitator instruction, personal reading and video content. HmT also provides partners with significant opportunities to cultivate healthy attachment dynamics. This program is available in various face-to-face formats and online. Online Resources: ICEEFT Website à https://iceeft.com/ Online HmT Program à https://holdmetightonline.com/ Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples ~ Johnson, 2004 In Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) couples work with a therapist to identify and shift existing patterns of disconnection arising from attachment challenges in their relationship. In EFT couples also learn how to interact in more open and responsive ways. Online Resources: ICEEFT Website à https://iceeft.com/ Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy ~ Segal et. al., 2002 Mindfulness enables people to notice and engage in the present moment with acceptance and decreases emotional distress in times of tension. In partner relationships, lower levels of personal distress make it easier to work through attachment-related challenges. There are various mindfulness training programs available in face-to-face and online formats. Online Resources: MBCT Website à https://www.mbct.com/ 78 Resource List Attachment Science Books Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love ~ by S. Johnson (2008) Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships ~ by S. Johnson (2013) Online Resources Dr. Sue Johnson https://drsuejohnson.com/ International Centre of Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy https://iceeft.com/ Online Hold Me Tight Program https://holdmetightonline.com/ Gratitude Books The Little Book of Gratitude: Create a Life of Happiness and Wellbeing by Giving Thanks ~ by R. A. Emmons (2016) Online Resources Gratefulness https://gratefulness.org/ Greater Good Science Center https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/ Mindfulness Books Practicing Mindfulness: 75 Essential Meditations to Reduce Stress, Improve Mental Health and Find Peace in the Everyday ~ by M. Sockolov (2018) The Little Book of Mindfulness: 10 Minutes a Day to Less Stress, More Peace ~ by P. Collard (2014) Online Resources The Free Mindfulness Project https://www.freemindfulness.org/ Urban Mindfulness http://urbanmindfulness.org/ An I – Ex plori ng th uctio e Sc i ence n Ex of Lo p erien Than ve – ce fo k you r Retr this r Co m e at E etrea for taking m i tted t valua provi Coup ding. by answe time to pa tion les ring t F Yo u r r o t i r c m ipate he qu feedb i n e st ack w th ill he ions belo is retreat w wi . Plea lp the th se 1. W facili tator( as much d take a fe hat p w art of s) pla e n for tail as yo minutes this r to ev u are futur etrea a e retr t wa s c eats. omfortab luate the m le ost h elpfu l or v aluab le for you? Why 2. W ? hat as pect of thi s retr eat w as the least helpf ul or valua ble fo r you ? Wh 3. D y? i d the facili ty loc ation and a meni ties m eet y our n eeds? Pleas e exp lain. 4. D o you have a ny o ther c omm ents y ou w ould like t o sha re? ntrod Adap ted From : https ://ww w.the cne.o rg/wi ldroc k- retre at-ev alua tion-f or m / Thank You! 79 80 Other Available Resources Books Collard, P. (2014). The little book of mindfulness: 10 Minutes a day to less stress, more peace. Hachette Book Group. Emmons, R. A. (2016). The little book of gratitude: Create a life of happiness and wellbeing by giving thanks. Hachette Book Group. Sockolov, M. (2018). Practicing mindfulness: 75 Essential meditations to reduce stress, improve mental health and find peace. Althea Press. Online American Group Psychotherapy Association (https://www.agpa.org/). Anxiety Canada (https://www.anxietycanada.com/). Daily Meditation (https://www.thedailymeditation.com/). Do-Meditation (https://www.do-meditation.com/). Dr. Irvin Yalom (https://www.yalom.com/). Dr. Sue Johnson (https://drsuejohnson.com/). Free Mindfulness Project (https://www.freemindfulness.org/). Gratefulness (https://gratefulness.org/). Greater Good Science Center (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/). Hold Me Tight (https://holdmetightonline.com/). Integrative Stress Management Program (https://managestress.ca/). International Association for Group Psychotherapy and Group Processes (https://www.iagp.com/). International Centre for Excellence in Emotional Focused Therapy (https://iceeft.com/). Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (https://www.mbct.com/). Self-Compassion (https://self-compassion.org/). Urban Mindfulness (http://urbanmindfulness.org/). References Anxiety Canada. (n.d.). Body scan. https://anxietycanada.com/wpcontent/uploads/2019/08/Body_Scan.pdf Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003 Bartlett, M. Y., & Arpin, S. N. (2019). Gratitude and loneliness: Enhancing health and well-being in older adults. Research on Aging, 41(8), 772–793. https://doi.org/10.1177/0164027519845354 Berkenkamp, G. (n.d.). Treat yourself to a gratitude walk. Gratefulness. Retrieved March 20, 2022, from https://gratefulness.org/resource/treat-yourself-to-an-immune-boostingmood-elevating-gratitude-walk/ Center for Nonprofit Excellence. (2022). Wildrock retreat evaluation form. Retrieved March 20, 2022 from https://www.thecne.org/wildrock-retreat-evaluation-form/ Coche, J. (2014). Couples group psychotherapy: A clinical treatment model (2nd ed.). Routledge. Corey, G., Corey, M. S., Callanan, P., & Russell, M. J. (2015). Group techniques (4th ed.). Brooks/Cole. Corey, M. S., Corey, G., & Corey, C. (2018). Groups: Process and practice (10th ed.). Cengage Learning. Dixon, H. C., & Overall, N. C. (2018). Regulating fears of rejection: Dispositional mindfulness attenuates the links between daily conflict, rejection fears, and destructive 82 relationship behaviors. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(2), 159–179. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516678486 Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2001). Predictors of caregiving in adult intimate relationships: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(6), 972–994. Fernandez, R. (2018, September 26). A meditation to focus attention. Mindful. https://www.mindful.org/a-meditation-to-focus-attention/ Fraley, R. C. (2012, November). Information on the experiences in close relationshipsrevised (ECR-R) adult attachment questionnaire. 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