8 features

December 1, 2010 + Over the Edge

S&A* My Mother Says

Proof that insanity is hereditary

ECATERINA CIUGUREANU
FEATURES EDITOR

Due to the relative success of ”S&**
my Grandma says”, | provide you with
another quotation gold mine of general
female psychosis, courtesy of my mother.
Enjoy!

On parenting:

-And it’s not like she can even beat her kid anymore
because he goes to school now and might rat her out to
social services.

On some other women:
-It’s like she died and they forgot to bury her.

On love:

-Cate, there’s a new doctor in Tumbler Ridge. He’s
young and extremely good looking. You’re getting new
highlights and | am booking you an appointment with
him, so keep on coughing.

-If you like him so much, why don’t you go for him?
-He’s too young for me. Well, he’s not too young for me,
| am too old for him.

-Is he married?-There’s a ring on his finger, but a wife is
not a wall, she can move.

-And when | saw that police officer on my doorstep, my
heart stopped, but not out of fear, out of happiness.

ONLINE SOURCE

On social comparisons:
Me and that woman in red. Who’s fatter? Go.

On alcohol:

-| have an allergy to alcohol, except for champagne, beer,
wine, and Baileys. | also seem to get over it anytime | am on
a vacation and on most holidays.

- Glad you had a great time last night, but next time you’re
out having fun, just remember that you have a major genetic
predisposition to alcoholism from your dad’s

side of the family that you are just nursing during your
university years. Just something to keep in mind while
you're having the time of your life.

On her beyond logic thrift store addiction:

-What is this?-I don’t know. That’s why | bought it.

A conversation re-told to me by an

acquaintance:
-Angela, how are you?- | have a dead cat in my freezer.

On my future:

-Cate, | just want you to consider all of your options after
you graduate. First of all, you NEED to write to that woman
on TV, what’s her name, Millionaire Matchmaker. Your
Psychology degree would be applicable there, right? Also

astrology. There’s another life path to consider.

Guilt tripping:
-Cate, if you love me, you will NOT do this.

ONLINE SOURCE

-You’re my only child, that’s why | am overprotective. If | had

more than one, you'd be the last of my priorities. But who
will take care of me when | am old? | didn’t spend my best
years raising you for nothing.

-No, it’s fine, be reckless, get yourself killed. | would love to
die alone in an old folks home.

On my writing:

-Sure, | dropped you once or twice when you were a baby,
but some things you say, Cate, that’s definitely from your
dad’s side of the family.

On courting:
-If a man reads you poetry, hit him. It’s a proactive measure.
He only wants one thing.

On what could have been:

-Mom, why didn’t you marry a rich person?

-Because | wanted you to learn to earn things you want the
hard way. Just kidding. Because | was an idiot and believed
in love.

On genetics:

-| kind of want a DNA test, maybe | was mixed up at the
hospital.-Look at your parents and then in the mirror, the
only thing that’s mixed up is your brain.

While sitting by the emergency exit ona

plane:
-Should we practice opening it? | just want to make sure it’s
working.

After talking to a gardener in Cuba:

-What did he want?-I don’t know, he just kept asking for my
room number.

On life:

-| used to think life is a lesson, but | decided | don’t want to
learn. Now | believe life is an experiment. You try different
things and see what works.

On death:

-When | die...

-Mom!

-Oh, you didn’t know. |AM NOT GOING TO LIVE
FOREVER.

How my mother greets me:

-Hi!

-That lipstick is awfully bright, don’t you think?

-| missed you! Just like your eyebrows missed tweezers!
-Well that shirt sure sends a message.

-| love you but | can’t look at you. What is wrong with
your hair?

-[In reference to my feather earrings, pointing to a dirty,
run over crow feather in the mud] That’s your style isn’t
it?

On intelligence:

[After | got a paper towel dispenser to work ina
bathroom]

—Cate! Wow. | always knew you were smart, but now |
truly KNOW why you are a UNBC scholar.

On media:

-Oh please. Don’t believe everything you read. They say
everything is poison: sugar, sodium, fat, trans fat. Since
when did we declare a cold war on enjoying life?

On enjoying life:

-| used to think one must live life like a butterfly.
Carefree, doing what he or she enjoys. | tried. The result
of this whole ordeal was that | just doubled my weight
since apparently what | really enjoy is eating.

ONLINE SOURCE

On really enjoying eating:
-| got a cookbook with all of Oprah’s favourite recipes. We
have a lot in common. We both like corn.

On her over-protectiveness:
-Who else will worry about you other than your mom?

ONLINE SOURCE