RO

$95

The U of T

Start with Dinner
$o0z Sirloin Steak

heaped with mushrooms &

all the trimmings

ALL DAY LONG

TABOR ARMS PUB

100 SOUTH TABOR

Just a Stumble from
UNBC Campus

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Memo From The Isolation Ward: Strange
Days and Nights at UNBC
Summer '96 Notes

I've been here all summer,
wllowing in the quagmire of
sloth and general self abuse.
Don't ask; it's an ugly tale and
I wouldn't think of subjecting it
to anyone. I will, however, say
this: | watched the Shining a
couple of weeks ago and came
to the conclusion that, had I
watched it back in May, things
would have been much darker.

In a nut, I spent four months
seeing the same five faces ona
daily basis. That's it. That's all.
With the exception of three
weeks spent languishing at the
Parental Units house (no longer
mine), the last four months shall
fondly be remembered as The
Bummer of '96.

There were, however, a
couple of interesting develop-
ments that generated enough
fear and loathing to spur even
me to action.

Local Reform candidate
Norm Lorenz lurched into a
rather ugly display of his ver-

sion of Party Think by declar-
ing UNBC afine place to study
lesbians and Indians.

Indeed. And with that, Mr.
Lorenz put a period at the end
of his campaign. He was
dropped by his boss. Where
Mr. Lorenz is now remains a
mystery. Sources have told me
that he is currently employed
as a manure salesperson.

Sales, I've been told, are.

booming,

Following that, a representa-
tive from some federal office
dropped by to collect census
questionnaires that had been
distributed during the first
weeks of May. I had neglected
to fulfill my obligations as a citi-
zen and becme impatient with
the endless questions that, in
truth, had no bearing on my
reality. My room-mate balked

at the idea of having to provide —

useless answers to an equally
useless series of questions.

The Fed stood in our kitchen,
going over my answers, cross
referencing and detailing the
nonessentials of my life (as all
feds do) when Room-mate ar-
rived at the Declaration of Re-
lationship Bullshit (my term)
section. There were several
options available: Single, di-
vorced, separated, common-
law. As a ‘gag’ he suggested
that we declare ourselves com-
mon-law and thus ‘come out of
the closet’ together. He's a witty
fellow, my room-mate, and we
all got a chuckle from his re-
sponse.

All, that is, but the Fed. She
responded with a curt, "Now,
now, you two...don't be sick."

Well, we glanced back and
forth at each other and nodded.
Sick, indeed.

I've spent a great deal of time
pondering those two

events...watershed in their in-
tensity. had they not happened,
I might be a calmer man. But
alas, | am not.

This is going to be an inter-
esting year, fellow students.
You will notice some changes.
you may not like all of them,
but I can guarantee that they
will give you pause. Doors will
open to reveal a kinder, gen-
tler school, one that is inclu-
sive to everyone who pays the
cash to attend.

’ So, if you have a comment

tomake, do so. Speak up. It's
your dollar. Make things hap-
pen because you can. It's all
yours. Don't take shit from
people who are small in the
head.

In other words, define your
University. What is it? Who
does it represent? And for
Christ's sake's...let's do some-
thing about that hideous moni-
ker of UNBC being the Politi-
cally Correct school of the
North. Let's drop that label
and become the University tht
Gives a Shit..not the Univer-
sity that Shits Itself every times
somebody, like my two new
friendss mentioned above,
make comments that are too
far Right.

Get it?

I knew that you could.

Re Me wee ae gee -