Local Man Passes
Non-Confidence Motion

Colin Stark
Editor in Chief

he entire world received

a massive shock at
the beginning of March as
Timothy Sparwood, 34, of the
unincorporated community
of Red Rock, passed a motion
of non-confidence against the
planet Earth. “It’s just a real
mess, you know?” Sparwood
said as he painted a protest
sign. “Like, is anything this
planet and its inhabitants are
doing, actually, like, good?”

Sparwood is the President

of the Trapper St. Senate, a
newly-formed legislative body
that claims to hold dominion
over the entire planet.
Curiously, the only member
of this Senate is Sparwood, a
problem that Sparwood claims
is not his fault: “I sent letter
to everyone, okay? Everyone.
Only, I couldn’t use Canada
Post, because that reaffirms
the power of a government
that doesn’t speak for me. I
appointed Larry, you know
Larry, like, from the end

of the road? No, the other
one. He’s the Postmaster
General. I gave hima

stack of letters addressed

to every government in

the world, asking them to
send representatives to

the Trapper St. Senate, but
not one of those bastards
responded. I know it’s not
Larry fault, I trust Larry, and
in exchange for his hard,
globe-spanning task, I gave
him a fat stack of Trapper-
scrip, which is now the only
legal world currency.”

Incredibly, the building
housing the Trapper St.

Senate larger than the rest of
the community that houses it
combined, making Parliament
Hill look like a Lego diorama.
“T tried to incorporate
elements from everything,”
explained Sparwood. “Since
the Senate represents the
whole world, I took design
and layout elements from
every major legislative
building in the world. It
makes the layout confusing
and hard to navigate. You
can't really get anywhere

or get anything done, and

it took forever to build...”
Sparwood trailed off, a flash
of recognition gleaming in
his eyes. “Oh dang, it’s like

a metaphor or whatever!”

Sparwood was asked why he
created such an organization
when the United Nations

is right there, and gave a
surprising answer: “You
can’t spell ‘undemocratic’
without ‘U.N, I didn’t vote for
them, they don’t represent
me.” When confronted about
just who exactly voted for
him, Sparwood waved his
hands frantically in the

air, shouting: “I talked to
everyone within comfortable
walking distance! I went up
and said to my neighbours,
‘would you vote for me’, and
they were like, ‘If 1 say yes,
will you get off my porch?’,
so I consider that a victory.
It’s one person, one vote,
and I was the only person,

so I voted for myself. Also,

I can show you the results

of a very definitive Twitter
poll...” It was at this point

that I excused myself on the
pretext of needing to powder
my nose, but instead went
and knocked over the nearest
cell tower and cut the local
power lines, for no particular
reason. We apologize for any
inconvenience this may have
caused Red Rock residents.

When asked why he was
condemning an entire world,
Sparwood got quite heated.
“Just look at the news! All
that war, all that famine, and
pardon my French, batshit
crazy political nonsense
going on down south. Since
no one was willing to, you
know, meet up and hash out
a solution to anything, I just
assumed that no one gives a,
‘scuse me, bowel movement.
In response, I’ve passed a
non-confidence motion in
the planet, and I expect the
Cosmic Governor General

to immediately dissolve the
Earth, and for His Majesty,
God, to call for an election
to make an Earth that really
represents the best interests
of the creatures of planet
Earth.” Sparwood then started
to rant about how “we could
just like, not do hurricanes
next time,” and “what if we
made tigers sentient, that
would be, like, radical,” but
this reporter decided to
voluntarily revoke his own
press access. No comment has
been issued by anyone, least
of all Larry, regarding this
momentous decision. More
on the complete dissolution
and reformation of reality as
we know it as it develops.

lomfool45

Satanic Adventure Club

Obsidianne Daarkchylde
Guest Contributor

Gens fellow students. My name
is Obsidianne Daarkchylde, and I

am the president and head priest-lord
of UNBC’s Satanic Adventure Club. We
are not looking for new member per

se, as we've automatically made a list

of all your deeds and sins and could
simply blackmail you into doing our
dark bidding, but we are looking for
some more... willing participants for our
extra-curricular studies. Let me give you
a rundown on some of our fun upcoming
activities.

Alchemy 101 - April 11: A lighthearted
event where we break into the Chemistry
department’s supplies and steal all their
rare elements and try to transmute more
common elements to match them. The
alchemist that uses the fewest
souls to fuel their forbidden
atomic sorcery gets a
prize! Please note, this
is not a Fullmetal
Alchemist LARP,
people asking

about creating
philosopher’s

stones to power their
homunculi will be
used as fuel to create
philosopher’s stones.

Reverse Easter - April 25:
Ina trenchant protest

of the Judeo-Christian
domination of North America, we

will be using turpentine to strip the
colouring off of coloured eggs, and
breeding pigs to replace the hams
consumed during last month’s long
weekend. Rejected ideas for this event
include having a person in an oversized
human costume wander the countryside
stealing chocolate from rabbits.

Blood Circle Induction - May 2: Those
who have proved their worth in all of
our previous events will be inducted and
melded into the Great Blood Circle of
Cranbrook Hill, the intricate sanguine
runes hewn into the stone of the hill
that allow the users to bridge the gap

ed

between the celestial inter-realms
and connect Earth to the dark pits of
the Forbidden Land. Hemophiliacs
are encouraged to attend this event.
Cookies and juice will be provided.

Movie Night! - May 14: As a fun change
of pace, we will be holding a film
screening at the Canfor Theatre. We will
be showing Roman Polanski’s classic
1968 documentary Rosemary’s Baby,
about a benevolent circle of Satanists
that helps a mother spawn the heir

to the throne of Hell. Talk about a
dream come true! A discussion will be
held afterwards about the frequent
misinterpretations of the film’s message.

UNBC Convocation 2016 - May 27: As
long as the University of British
Columbia pays the soul-
debt owed to our dark
master, we will attend
ceremonies
in a normal
fashion. If
not, we will
collect what is
owed by handing
out cursed
scrolls in the
place of degrees to
graduates. Hold off on
handing out anything
to the new Chancellor,
we are as yet unsure
if he is one of us. We are looking for
volunteers experienced in practising
the calligraphy of the Deep Speech to
help produce fun gifts for attendees!

Whether you are looking for some casual
fun, or to pierce the veil obscuring the
mysteries of the universe, the Satanic
Adventure Club has something for
everyone, as long as you are willing

to profane the sacred laws of nature.
Contact us for more information by
carving your name into a piece of

coal and tossing it into a fire while
chanting the most evil thing you know.
Do not worry, we will find you.