over The EDGE page |2

Wednesday, Nov 8, 1995

F.Y.I1. (For your information)

The other day as I was telling one
of my amusing (if redundant) por-
cupine stories to a small but en-
grossed crowd, someone asked me
“You mean the porcupine didn’t
shoot its quills?” I smiled saying,
“That’s an old wives tale . . . por-
cupines can’t really shoot their
quills.” The group then erupted
in protest. I was standing in a room
with seven supposedly educated
university students telling me por-
cupines do in fact shoot their
quills. When I absolutely, and
without any doubts, told them
again that porcupines do not shoot
their quills, they laughed at me.

I stood stunned for quite some
time. Could it be that I was mis-
taken? Could it be that a prickly
little rodent could in fact launch
its defensive quills through the air
to strike a target? As evidence, one
of those present in the room asked
if porcupines could not shoot their
quills why fast moving animals
such as dogs get stuck with the
projectiles. This is because the dog
(much like the average UNBC stu-

The Ins and Outs of

dent) knows nothing about porcu-
pines, and foolishly bites the spiny
mammal causing quills to become
stuck in the mouth and face. Still I
was scorned.

That evening I had nightmares
about being teased by a bunch of
pompous University students be-
cause I denied the existence of
unicorns. Which, if you think
about it, is more believable than
an animal that can shoot quills
through the air. So after that, I
made my way to the library (ware-
house of all worldly knowledge)
to find out if I was crazy or if, as I
suspected, too many ignorant
southerners had infiltrated
Canada’s most Northern Univer-
sity. I was pleased to learn that, as
I well knew, porcupines have
never and will never shoot their
quills. After a public apology by
these seven misinformed students,
and safe in my knowledge of for-
est creatures, I could again sleep
soundly. J just thought some of
you may need to know.

Ian Lorenz

Courting Christian

Women

It has come to this writer’s at-
tention that there is, among men
of my gender, a need for advice
on the courtship of Christians of
the female persuasion. the path
towards the seduction of the afore
mantioned subject is long and full
of hardship but one with as incom-
parably satisfying reward the
reader with the summation of my
experience in the area.

Do’s

1-offer her chaperone five Dallas
to get out of sight so you can slip
your date the tongue.

2-get her to reveal the Blessed
Cache of semi-automatics to be
used at the second coming (for
Christians of
right wing sects).

3-explain to your prospective
women that the only way to get to
know her is to invite her and her
eight closest friends for a
naturewalk.

4-spend an early weekday morn-
ing converting the heathen.

5-agree with her that all instincts

-by-R. Steele

of the flesh and sexual behavior
are inherently evil and insist that
she remain at a sate distance from
the accursed hell-fiend, that is your
penis.

6-exchange stories on how the
Lord called you into his fold.

Don’ts

1-show her the Holy Land shaped
birthmark on your inner thigh.

2-name the church you attend as
the church of Sex, Sin, and
Rock’n’Roll!

3-mention Bertrand Russell of
Nietsehe.

4-ask her, “What’s up with the
Pop’s beanie?”

5-memorize passages that pertain
to acts of fornication.

6-suggest a night of video vental
fun with kids and spanking the
monkey.

BALDERDASH

UNBC BALDERDASH

- brought to you by the illustrious
James Gordon and the even more
illustrious pauL berarD

This issues word is:
ANTIHELMINTHICS

The responses that you gave us
were many and varied. We would
like to express our appreciation for
your continuous support for this
column and so on and so forth.
And now, for the responses that
you gave us!

- People that can’t get stoned

- Against the use of barbiturates
and halogens

- A group devoted to the break-
down of Satanism, fresh breath
and red necks

- People who are against having
mints in hell

- Against the use of taking harm-
ful/illegal drugs

- A drug related to heroine

- Something/someone that is
against those nasty little
heminthics

- Against breathing

- Biology word (?)

- A drug that is injected in the
tongue witha 7 inchneedle. Yuck.

IM

2:55. I find myselfrushing headlong with
James Gordon and Lena Henning out to
James’s Acadian, the GREAT Canadian
vehicle. Our mission? To find and pho-
tograph Bamey Bentall.

We jump in and James fires up the car,
forcing the poor hamster that runs the car
to spin around in his hamster wheel once
or twice before getting the message. We
headed off down University Way destined
for an interview set for 3:15.

3:30. We actually arrive at the radio sta-
tion. Ihave now missed the interview and,
‘oh well, let’s just get the pictures and
leave’ is my attitude. We jam ourselves
into the little hallway, waiting for them to
come out of the studio and fighting about
who is going to take the pictures,(nobody
wanted to do it, but hey, aren’t most news-
paper people shy?)

3:35. Mr. Bentall is standing outside,
blinking against the sunlight, next to his
guitarist, having his photo taken by James.
In between shots, Mr. Bentall kind of asks
us if we could “give them a lift.”

D THE INTER

But the drug is deep purple and
makes you see cells and the
whole atomic structure of every
living thing.

- Encouragement of crack-smok-
ing for politicians, lawyers and
currency traders only, as a means
of purging modern society.
- Stop something or other

- Drug used to cure people oftheir
addiction to Halls cough drops.

- Against mint candies

- Something against mints from
hell? Sinful mints perhaps? How
about Bad Tic Tacs?

- An imitation ceremony for a
priest involving 16 young boys
handcuffed to the walls of a locked
room.

- People who believe that prohib-
ited drugs can promote a healthy
lifestyle.

- The goat people of Eastern Af-
rica used this as an anti-drug cam-
paign.

- The belief that one day we will
all be killed by a nuclear war and
cockroaches will rule the world.

- Non depressant drugs...give me
some! nO, rEAILy I waNt SoMe!!
- The group against the helmet law
for riding bikes.

- People who are against people
who ask what stupid words are.

Like Cleopatra didn’t like Mark Antony.
Next thing I know, two guitars, five
people and a LOT of McDonald’s garbage
have been wedged into the Acadian men-
tioned above. Barney Bentall and his gui-
tarist are sitting knee-deep in the
aformentioned garbage as James pulls out
into the one way street that runs by the
radio station, Lena turned around and took
a photograph of Bentall, his guitarist and
myself in the back of the car,(part of which
is shown here, without me...thank-you.
Grin.)

Going the wrong way.

Bentall politely inquired as to “what the
heck he [James] was doing” and James
managed to get us across the road and
headed in the right direction. As we
headed off down the road, I found myself
listening to the conversation between
Bentall and his guitarist.

“Did you get any sleep on the bus last
night?” Bentall said smiling.

“Yeah. Wasn’t too bumpy. Not great,
but not bad.”

THB

- A belief that joints are not to be
smoked by one person alone.

- A medicine that drug addicts use
in rehab and it is a mint tasting
gum.

- Narcotic used to suppress Dutch
diseases

- Against drug use

- Against people to say bad words.
- Against witches.

- A drug that takes you to a place
with ethics.

- The study of people opposed to
the ethic movement of
helmenship—pertaining to the
helm of a ship.

- Overdose of helm sap by your
aunt.

Well, a good effort by many, and
I must credit many of you with
hitting very close to the mark, as
we chose a word that was linked
to Drug and Awareness Week.
Well, her it is, the TRUE meaning
of:

ANTIHELMINTHICS: A FAM-
ILY OF DRUGS USED TO
TREAT INTESTINAL PARA-
SITES

Well, we will see you in the weeks
to.come, so keep reading those dic-
tionaries!!!

LL
by pauL berarD

“When did you get into town?” I ven-
tured after a brief pause.

“About Nine O’ Clock.” .

The guitarist turned to me and asked,”’So,
how do you like it at the University of
Nova Sco-, New Bruns-...wheyever the
Hell we are?”

“Northern British Columbia? It’s nice,
cold, but nice.”

“Cool.”

They continued to converse about air fare
and bus trips,(with a lengthy excursion
about jet lag) and we finally arrived at the
Overdrive Cabaret. We all fell,(quite lit-
erally), out of the bulging vehicle andthey ~
thanked us for the ride.
ae Ka

The photographs that we took were the
funniest thing that I ever laid my eyes on.
The photo here is the only one that actu-
ally turned out. The show was a blast,(I’m
not sure, ‘cause I couldn’t go. I was born
in the wrong year...), at least from what I

YB

- heard and my day was much improved

with the events that transpired.