8 features

March 16, 2011 + Over the Edge

KES  . TRAVELING
) VS ers WORLD.

COMMUNITY.
. FILM FESTIVAL

is coming to PG!
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Tickets:

lf you would Ilke to perform In the
show, we are looking of more

acts. Please email pride@unbe.ci
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Puce

And some extra
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by members of the PC

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VERONIKA KOLLBRAND
FEATURES EDITOR

Imagine drunkenly kicking off one of your brand new stilettos on the
stairs as you stumble back to your dorm room, only to be jarred back to
awareness the next day with a raging hangover and the stale taste of bad
decisons.

You managed to make it home just before midnight but your hot new
dress looks like rags now and your ride is totalled because your buddy
was driving drunk.

Now some loser from down the hall is pounding on your door demanding
that you and your roommates try on this shoe he found last night because
it belongs to a girl he vaguely remembers making out with at the party and
he’s determined to marry her. You'll probably be so stoked to have that
shoe back you'll say yes.

Not sure if you know this, but most girls love to be woken up with a kiss.
Especially if the kiss was preceeded by a stranger picking the lock to her
front door and creeping stealthily up to the bedroom. In fact, some of us
sleep our lives away just hoping for a moment like this.

As for the ladies, if you’re unsure how to really get a guy’s attention, try
breaking into his place while he’s at work to clean the entire thing and
make dinner for him and his roommates. When he finds you passed out in
his bed at the end of your hectic day, he’s sure to be smitten.

But if the ugly chick in the black hoodie from down the hall offers you an
apple martini and says it’s “magic,” DO NOT take a sip. By magic, she
really means Rohypnol and it'll probably knock you on your ass. Just tell
her she needs to listen when her mirror says she'll never be prettier than
you and slam the door in her face.

Once a girl has agreed to move in to your creepy house with you because
she’s afraid for her family’s safety, it’s probably a good idea to medicate
her with some sort of hallucinagenic to keep her disoriented and occupied.
Not the stuff that makes her think she’s talking to God or anything, just the
stuff that makes inanimate objects like lamps and clocks seem to come
to life.

Try a little tough love by beating on her door and telling her that if she
refuses to eat with you, she won't eat at all! Be hot and cold, semi-abusive
but occasionally sweet.

Eventually she'll break down and put on one of those ballroom dresses
you keep for just such occasions. Amidst the drug haze and domestic
abuse, she'll probably start to get attached to you and maybe even defend
your actions when her family and friends come looking for her. Stockholm
syndrome is always a classic.

If you don’t think your crush will like you for who you are, stop being that
person and be someone else! In the name of love, anything from telling
a girl you’re ridiculously rich to getting that much needed plastic surgery
by trading your vocal cords for sexy legs on the black market is all fair
game.

When you inevitably blow your cover because, let’s face it, if you were

smooth you wouldn’t need the Disney playbook, just remember that all
the effort you put into tricking them to love you might just seem pretty
romantic in the end.