March 31, 2003

Page 13

The Quest for the Quantum Thong
One Thong to bind them all...

founded. I could not believe that there was a piece of fabric
so close to a part of my body that was unseen by the sun
(well in public anyway). All my life I was a hanger, and to
now have my boys wrapped up into a package was quite a
different experience. 1 ended up heading to the bathroom
three or four times while at the school to pick the wedgie
lodged between my checks. I found that while the front was
stretchy and fit quite well, the back was another story
(always ask try thongs over your underwear before pur-
chasing). I finally couldn't take it any more and went to visit
my friend who got me into this mess. I used the clips on the
sides, which were not noticeable and were very comfortable.
I unclipped both side and next thing my friend knew I was
going commando in her living room, without even taking
off my pants. I have determined that male thongs are meant
to be used before bed when you know that you are going to
get some action.

Kathleen's Report:

To my surprise, and the envy of my fellow thong-ateers, I
was gifted with not one but two almost comfortable thongs.
The first one, after a minor mishap with putting it on side-
ways (well, all the sides were the same size/length/dimen-
sions) I managed to right it. Its wide cut back was somewhat
prone to lodging itself into my ass when I sat down (actual-
ly I think it was more comfortable sideways...) otherwise the
fabric was alright, soft with a nice texture. While the thong
itself was pretty ugly (the Graffiti) the experience of wearing
it was definitely better than having my ass cheeks pierced
together by a red hot poker covered in fire ants.

The second thong I tried had the distinction of being
voted the most sexy by a fairly large majority. Usually sexy
things are uncomfortable, since this is a fundamental law of
the universe. However, I am pleased to report that this thong
was in fact, not all that bad. The soft fabric and thin back
strap made sitting down a small inconvenience, and the
front of the thong was so comfortable I forgot I was wearing
it at times. All in all, I would recommend both my thongs,
with a small word of warning:

Wearing a thong means your butt is only separated from
the world by one layer of fabric. That bus seat that some
drunk vomited on the day before is only a few millimeters
away from your bare ass flesh.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

GI THONG!

I hate the ass-ymptote: Blacky's Report

I wore the “Beads Galore" and the "Simple and Sassy"
thongs. The "Beads Galore" is a blue and stretchy low-rise
thong. In the back the width of the "string" can be described
as the limit as the width approaches zero. For you scientists
out there, it's an ass-ymptope! When my good friend the
Poli-Sci major asked me, "What's an asymptote," I had the
witty reply, "Something you never touch.” Not only is the
back of the Beads Galore quite uncomfortable, the elastic
fabric is also really itchy, Also the beads on the straps actu-
ally left bruises on my hips.

The "Simple and Sassy" is a low-rise, baby blue cotton
thong. The back strap is much wider than the Beads Galore,
and as a result is MUCH more comfortable. I also really

liked the small butterfly above the back strap. I would total-
ly recommend the "Simple and Sassy", if you have to wear a
thong. Not only does the cotton fabric not cause itching, but
it also has no beads!

Natalie's Thong Report:

Until a few days ago I was a thong virgin. Recently how-
ever I had the opportunity to try this quick rising undergar-
ment style. I was presented with two styles of thong, the
first, a low-rise style with side ties, named Tropical Paradise
and the second, a semi low rise style, termed Starry Night.
Having no previous experience with floss-like undergar-
ments I was skeptical of the comfort level of a thong. How
could something that is essentially a permanent wedgie be
comfortable? Far more concerned with comfort than the
absence of indiscrete lines I was ready to give thongs two
thumbs down. My pre-conceived notions of thongs were
strengthened by my fist test run. I was able to conclude that
the pair Starry Night, while cute with its dark blue back-
ground and shiny stars and moons, was a bad cut and very
uncomfortable. The second pair, however was a surprise.
Tropical Paradise turned out to be very comfortable. The
side ties were cute and did not come undone (another of my
initial concerns) during use. The low-rise cut worked very
well under hip hugger jeans. My views have been reversed
and I can see the contribution of the thong to the fashion
world. However, I must emphasis the importance of finding
a good cut for you.

Dan's Thong Report:

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The things that I do for science. I was a thong-a-teer in the
Rate-a-Thong for Science experiment. This was an experi-
ence that I never thought I would...well...experience. After
spending a day in a thong, I wonder how can people chose
to do that! It was a very uncomfortable feeling having this
thong all tight and up everywhere. The only thing that I can
use to describe the feeling is that if you ever wear briefs and
you walk too much, the briefs can ride up. Now when this
happens you have to pull them out. With the thong...you
can't! A day-long perma-ride-up is something that I just
could not stand. My suggestion for any guy who wants to
"thong it up,” unless you are having a wild night of passion
or you are a stripper. Don't wear a thong! Even if you don't
mind the ass-string, the "boys" didn't enjoy being all
bunched up together into an easy to hit target. Frankly, it
was as sensible as having a homicidal maniac threaten a
room full of people who then gather into a large. easy to
attack group.

Friday: Results tallied:

Extensive results have been tabulated, and the conclusion
is, based on the factors of subjective values and comfort tests
by dedicated thong-ateers, the closest living descendant of
the quantum thong is test subject #9, the racy gothic. Upon
reaching these startling conclusions, the thongologists
immediately collected the sample, and vacuum sealed it for
post-haste shipment to the Mope (the last living descendent
of Moah, the architect of the thong) at the Canadian Church
of Thongintology.

Thong Key

1. Pretty in Pink

2. Graffiti

3. Stardust

4. Basic

5. Floral Delight

6. The Jem Thong
7. Tropical Paradise
8. Starry Night

9. Racy Gothic

10. Simple n’ Sassy
11. Beads Galore
12.Delicate Butterfly

#8 Starry Night #9 Racy Gothic

#10 Simple n’ Sassy

#11 Beads Galore

#12 D. Butterfly

#13 The Nutcracker #14 Bad Kitty