*
4

YellowHead Breaks Hart in Season

Andrew Bailey
Editor in Chief

The tickets were sold out within 15 minutes of the doors
being opened at the Roll-A-Dome on Saturday as frenzied
Rollerderby fans filled one of Prince George’s most coveted
venues electrifyingly anticipating the first Rollergirl bout of
2010. The beer garden, which provided adult derby fans a
birds-eye, owner’s box’esque view of the action, filled up
quickly. As did the suicide seating, although it does allow for the
best possible view placing fans so close to the action that it
creates an Avatar worthy 3D experience, you will never see
me sitting in this section because frankly | don’t have the
grapes.

This opener previewed what is undoubtedly going to be an
intense season as, after choking away a 35 point lead, the Yel-
lowHead Cases were able to fend off a monumental Hart
Breaker comeback and ended on the alligator eating side of a
106-100 final score. The bout was lead by a single point to
enter the final jam with the YellowHead Cases narrowly es-
caping embarrassment and coming out with a win that seemed
all but locked up at half- time. Considering last season con-
sisted of consistent blowouts, the close score of this bout il-
lustrates the tremendous development of the Rollergirl athletes
over the offseason.

There were many new faces on the derby floor, (at least |
assume that they’re new because | didn’t recognize them and,
no big deal but, | happen to be the Rollerderby’s number 1 fan
of all time) but it was the usual megastars who dominated the
show. Siren Swift was, as always, the fattest jammer on the
flat-track though Wilder Than Her was clocking in at a similar
rolling-speed. The fact that both these two speed-jammers
were on the losing team conveys that speed alone does not
win a derby. This is, of course, not to say the YellowHead
Cases were without speed- jammers themselves as Rollervet
Cruely Sue is not exactly a snail on the track and her speed ca-
pabilities are well documented, she’s just not quite on the same
level of a Swift, or a Her.

One YellowHead Case who harnesses tremendous speed
is Ruby Raucous, however she never donned the star helmet
during this bout choosing instead to skate up in the ruck throw-
ing her famous elbows around and inevitably spending more
time in the penalty box than I’ve spent in rehabilitation centres.
My more novice readers will undoubtedly think that Raucous’
penalty minutes may have hindered her team, but what these
nubians fail to realize is that when someone gets smoked in
the face enough times fatigue eventually sets in. So while Rau-
cous is in the penalty zone resting, her opponents are on the
flat-track bleeding.

Raucous was particularly dirty in this opening day bout as
she seemed unwilling to skate with the pack and often tried to
skate up to opposing jammers who had already passed her
and hit them from behind, an extremely illegal maneuver to be
sure. As always this unwillingness to play within the confines
of the rules made the vibrant redhead no friends on the track
and Ruby took a bombardment of verbal abuse from the Hart

a
:

a

Breakers; including one particularly charged scene in which a
more than enthusiastic flip of the bird accompanied a few
choice expletive deletives that were thrown at the gorgeous
face of Ruby Raucous with the gusto of a Doc Halladay fast-
ball. (I Know he’s gone now but do you really think I’d get away
with a simile to Romero’s fastball?) Raucous is characteristi-
cally suited to play the part of the bad-girl of the PG Rated Rol-
lergirl league and she is therefore my favourite skater on the
flat-track.

The enormous crowd in attendance got a very special treat
as former league president and local prodigy Bryndis Og-
mundsdottir was mic’d up on the sideline offering exceptional
colour commentary to the derby fans. Bryndis has obviously
been placed on my official list of local heroes approximately
eighteen times before but considering she will be moving out

Over the Edge, March 10-24 2010

of town soon lets put her on their again due to her uncanny
ability to somehow make a perfect event more perfect.

Any ladies interested in becoming part of this visual mas-
terpiece need to get themselves to the Roll-a-Dome (between
Pine Centre and the Treasure Cove Casino) on Thursdays
from 7-8 o’clock for Fresh Meat. Keep in mind that doesn’t
mean there will be fresh meat for you to eat there, it means
that you are the meat. Fans of the derby, keep tuned- in to your
local campus paper for updates about upcoming bouts. Seri-
ously missing a display of Rollergirl awesomeness is inexcus-
able, unless of course you’re a dude who can’t experience an
erection lasting longer than 3 hours without consulting your
doctor, if that’s your case its probably best for you to stay home
and watch Gray’s.