10 March 2, 2011 + Over the Edge A Shore Thing GTL: Gym, Tanning... Literature? VERONIKA KOLLBRAND FEATURES EDITOR First, we find out that the Situation has a degree (in Political Science no less) and now Snookie has gone and written a book. What is nexy...Nuclear Physics? Nicole “Snookie” Polizzi, pint-sized star of MTV’s Jersey Shore, claims to have read two books in her entire life: Twilight and Dear John. Sorry, hang on a second while | go dry heave that sentence out of my mind. Okay, moving on. | wouldn’t exactly describe either of those novels as a legitimate foundation for literary education, but apparently they provided her with enough experience to become an accomplished author. Her recently released novel, A Shore Thing, is #24 on the New York Times bestseller list. Yes, Snookie wrote a novel. Yes, it was every bit as terrible as you would expect. | managed to read all 304 pages with the help of a healthy glass (okay, bottle(s)) of wine and a few breaks for crying about the fate of humanity and cutting myself. A Shore Thing is a summer fun-in-the-sun romance novel set in... where else? The Jersey Shore. Gia Spumanti is a short, obnoxious lush who loves pickles, poufs, gorilla juicehead guidos and saying “wah” even though she’s 20 years old — Snookie? Her cousin Bella has a great body and fake tits — Jwoww? They spend their summer partying, trolling for hot guys, scheming, tanning and generally being scandalous. ' They say that writers should write about what they know, but really? This novel, as sickening to me as it is to call it that, is basically a dull, extended episode of the Jersey Shore MTV series but without the help of visual aids and comic relief from the rest of the cast. Plus you have to read and stuff... wah! Normally | would throw myself off a cliff rather than give away an ending of a book to someone who hadn't read it. However, if you ignore my sage advice and read A Shore Thing which | strongly encourage you not to, you deserve to be disappointed. After being played and ONLINE SOURCE It’s Not Me, It’s Definitely You A break-up letter to winter VERONIKA KOLLBRAND FEATURES EDITOR You've had it coming winter Dear winter: We need to talk. We’ve had some amazing times together, you and I. I'll never forget the weekends we spent curled up in our blankets just reading by the fire. But sometimes | feel like you take me for granted. Every fall, you just show up unannounced and seduce me with your delicious Gingerbread Lattés from Starbucks and your softly falling snowflakes. | find myself caught up in the beauty of the ice frosting the trees and your promises of snowboarding trips and super cute cold-weather outfits. | love the way you give me a natural flush to my skin whenever | go outside. Then without warning you start acting frigid and distant and leave ONLINE SOURCE me in the dark wondering what | did to upset you so much. On some days, | feel like there is a constant cloud over my head because of you. | never feel like I’m on solid ground because you go back and forth from slushy to icy and leave me guessing what kind of mood you'll be in on any given day. | can’t live my life with such unpredictability anymore. Christmas was great and everything, don’t get me wrong, but one day a year isn’t enough to convince me that this relationship is worth it. Also, what’s with all the treats you put in front of me for months? Thanksgiving, Christmas, turkey, stuffing, candy canes and Valentine’s Day chocolate? You’re just not good for my health and | think you know that. | don’t burned by multiple guys all summer, JWoww and Snookie (I forget their fictional novel names already and | don’t care enough to read back earlier in my article to find them) finally find hot, sweet guys that are totally into them. Then they bail at the last minute basically saying “fuck it, let’s be single!” Throughout the entire thing we follow our tanned guidettes in their quest for the perfect cock but for all the thinking, talking and scheming about sex, nobody actually has any. Talk about lame romance novel ending blue balls. In short, A Shore Thing lacks every conventional element of a proper work of fiction in existence from character and plot development to climax. Reading this book is comparable to being fondled by a virgin. They may be enthusiastic, but lack the technique and the follow-through to keep you interested. Valerie Frankel, ghost writer — excuse me, “collaborator” — of Snookie’s new novel had this to say about working with our 15-minutes-of-famer: “My experience with heristhatsheis an intelligent, enthusiastic, appreciative young woman.” Sorry Val, but we’ve all seen the TV series hon.. You’re not fooling anyone pretending you enjoyed the experience. It’s fine that you whored yourself out to the JS machine for the money and not the one-sentence thank-you blurb on Snookie’s acknowledgements page, but at least wear your ovaries on the outside and admit to it! What’s next for our 4-foot-9 superstar? Let’s start with her blog called “I’m Just Sayin,” which has one post... from 2 months ago... introducing everyone to her new blog... which she promises to try and update twice a week... OH! And she has her own line of slippers out now, with 23 different kinds of animal slippers. SNOOKIE REVOLUTION! get enough sunlight, I’m tired and depressed all the time and | feel like I’ve gotten too comfortable with you and let myself go. | need some ‘me’ time to lose this relationship weight, get a tan and get my life together. | miss being able to go outside without you hounding me to cover up, it’s like you’re ashamed of me and my body when you’re the one who drove me to be like this. | think we should take a break for a while. | want to see other seasons. | miss the sweet kisses of sun on my face and the warm embrace of a breeze lightly touching my skin. And yes, to be honest, summer and | have started talking again. | know that will probably drive you crazy, but we’re still in love and even though it’s a long distance relationship for 8 months of the year we really want to make things work this time. I’ve made up my mind, and | hope you'll respect my decision. Best of luck, winter. | truly hope you are able to find happiness someday, just far away from me. You'll always have a special place in my heart and I'll probably miss you once it’s really sunk in that you’re gone, but | know this is the best thing for both of us. Don’t worry; I’m sure you'll find someone else. | hear Australia has been messaging you on Facebook behind my back, so maybe you guys can get together sometime to try and work things out. | hope we can eventually be friends. | just really need some time to move on so | need you to stay away for a while. Please don’t drag things out like our last break-up; | really think a clean break would be best. Always, Veronika <3 PS. | wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to some breakup sex or maybe some sort of casual relationship in the fall. But please keep that between us. I’m not that kind of girl.