OVER THE EDGE

September 26 - Gctober 10, 2007

13

Night at the Backyard Are We Stil Bloody Homophobic?
BBQ

ANDREW OATES

CONTRIBUTOR

Dear reader,

I have survived the Backyard BBQ. This was a sur-
prise to me as J arose from my crazy-dream filled slum-
ber. Personally, I believed last night to be the end of me
and of others like me who took it upon themselves to
drink heavily, and without reason or regard. The events
of last night were not of this world, nor this dimension.
I believe that for a brief time, the entire campus was
hurled, as if by some giant of Irish descent, into a blurry
realm. A place perhaps where motor and mental func-
tion ceased, where the air was so thick as to actually
cause resistance when one walked through it. Perhaps
a realm where the laws of gravity were different, and
where a person might randomly fall into a wall or stum-
ble as if pulled by some unseen force. This is the hor-
rid place I found myself in, after finding that my large
bottle of rum was now gone, as were several beer from
my fridge.

But what manner of fiend had taken these things from
me? Surely I could not have had all of it to myself, as by
mere physics alone, I would think the volume of rum,
mixer, and beer would surely be more than any stomach
could hold. I was right...in the worst of ways. Hence I
learned that despite vast prayer, the porcelain gods do
nothing to help the pains of their followers. Worse yet,
they sit on their porcelain mountain — protected by a
vanguard of 20 foot tall cats who are versed in the ways
of making sushi out of human flesh, and wine out of
their souls — and laugh at the paltry cries and disgorging
noises made by those in such bad situations. And I as-

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sure you, that was the exact situation I found myself
in.

I am hungover now, and my eyeballs hurt.

As to the actual events of the previous night, I am
reluctant to say that I don’t have a firm grasp on what
exactly took place. My mind is filled with half-formed
images which tell a story of debauchery and madness.
Brief flashes of dancing, of music so loud that you
could feel it in your very bones, and drinking — oh the
drinking. Ceremony played, and I must say, they were
not as bad as they were the last time I saw them. Some
band whose name had “Daniel” in it played expertly,
and to the appreciation of the crowd, who were more
than happy to see Ceremony gone...

...sorry, I’m back now, I had to vomit.

Anyways, I know that I was able to see and possibly
hear the final band, Marianas Trench, though I was too
far gone by that point. From the gutteral feelings I have
about the final hours of last night, I think that they were
a superb band, as I could see the dancing, and felt the
adulation of the crowd, like some horde of small park-
animals rejoicing in a frenzy of breadcrumbs.

All in all, the night was a grand one, with much enjoy-
ment had by some. For others, such as me, the enjoy-
ment hit a stopping point, which was a wall, and then
a sink, and then a floor. From there on, nightmares of
enourmous sentient tiki heads broke down the last ves-
tiges of sanity and plans of ever going to the polynes-
ian islands. Were I to live that night again somehow, I
would have drank less, and quite probably have gone
to the drive-in to watch the Simpsons movie, as I don’t
think it would have resulted in vomitting.

Orocers ®

By Mireince Saurx

inrercamp (GRANT
MacEwan Coi.ece)

EDMONTON (CUP) -- Canadian
Blood Services promotes the idea
that if you donate 15 minutes of
your time and a pint of blood, you’ll
save lives. You may feel a bit light-
headed afterwards, but you can
take pride in knowing you’ve done
something to help others — so long
as you’re not gay.

If you’re a gay male who’s had
sex in the last 30 years, your blood
isn’t wanted.

This suggests we’d rather die than
have gay blood pumping through
our veins. To make matters worse,

| Canadians don’t have a choice in

the matter. Canadian Blood Services
considers gay male sex a behaviour
putting people at risk for contract-
ing HIV and AIDS.

According to the Public Health
Agency of Canada, 1,232 cases of
HIV were reported in the first six
months of 2006. Among these, 47
per cent were gay males, and 33.5
per cent were of the heterosexual
persuasion. The difference between
these numbers is relatively small.

Canadian Blood Services should
differentiate between risky behav-

© ROGERS”

authorized dealer

iour in general and a person’s sexual
orientation. On the Record of Dona-
tion questionnaire, potential donors
are asked, “In the past six months,
have you had sex with someone
whose sexual background you don’t
know?” Heterosexual indiscretions
performed before this time frame
aren’t an issue.

Gay men, however sexually
responsible, are automatically
branded a threat to the blood sup-
ply. Meanwhile, Promiscuous Patty
can waltz in under the radar. If all
donations are properly tested, only
tainted blood should be a reason to
turn gay donors away.

Apparently there is a blood short-
age in Canada. The Edmonton Sun
reported last week that the shortage
in this city led to the cancellation
of some elective surgeries. Still,
healthy gay men are prevented from
helping, which also does nothing to
squash homophobia by continuing
to view AIDS as a gay disease.

It’s unfair to fault the blood donor
system when it’s supposed to guard
our health and safety. But speaking
as one of those protected Canadians,
if I’m on my deathbed in line for a
transfusion I don’t want to die wait-
ing for clinically approved, hetero-
sexual blood.

]

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