Colin Slark
Team Member

am an American football moron. I have
| oe watched an NFL game from start
to finish. I do watch Canadian football
occasionally, but I don’t fully understand its
rules, let alone its southern cousin’s. I do not
live in a vacuum; I have heard the names Tom
Brady and Marshawn Lynch, but I have not
seen them in action except for the occasional
clip from a highlight package. I lack context
for the heroic nature of their exploits. To
remedy this, I decided to jump into the
deep end and watch Super Bowl 49.1 have
no attachment to either team so I was just
hoping for a good game.

I was almost annoyed at the pre-game
American patriotism grand tour. I almost
started to think that singing not one, but
two national anthems was a bit excessive.
However, I reminded myself that this was
America’s party and I was merely crashing it.

i) SUPER BOWL

5

jh

. © ha |
A football moron watches the Super bowl

The game then got started, and immediately
I got tired of the commentating. “Did you
know that Seahawks wide receiver Chris
Matthews used to work at a Foot Locker?”
NBC’s play-by-play team asked. Well, I did not
know that until the last two times you guys
told me. Football seems to have the greatest
amount of measurable statistics of any sport
I have ever watched, which made for endless
and exceedingly dull listening. Fortunately,
the visuals were able to compensate for the
slow torture inflicted by the on air talent.

As an introduction to the sport, Super
Bowl 49 was sublime. Both teams’ offense
and defense had a chance to shine in

the 60 minutes of action. You could tell
that both teams deserved to be in the
championship game. The field was like a
seesaw, with the lead swinging back and
forth. Modern gladiators attacked each
other with 200 pounds of pure muscle as
they attempted to smash their opposition
into oblivion. Depending on your feeling,

the game also provided some excellent
sideshow entertainment. I don’t know what
prompts a grown man to pantomime the

act of pooping a football in response to a
touchdown, but that sure happened. For fans
of schadenfreude, Seattle quarterback Russell
Wilson’s last-minute interception produced
some astounding looks of abject terror as any
thoughts of victory were brutally expunged
from the mind of Seahawks players and fans.

I even felt like the NFL did their best to
accommodate me personally. lam much
more comfortable watching hockey. As

if to meet me halfway, the Seahawks and
Patriots had a brutal line brawl in the

last minute that eliminated the aura of
sportsmanship that had previously existed
during the contest. It was awful, brutal,
and I could not keep my eyes off it.

The Super Bowl’s biggest moment in terms
of pure entertainment value had to be
the kaleidoscopic drug-trip of a halftime

Gamespot

show by Katy Perry. It featured everything

I never knew I wanted from an in game
performance: there was a giant mechanical
lion, human chess dancing atop MC Escher-
like backgrounds, anthropomorphic beach
scenery, a flying NBC star from the More You
Know PSAs, and a lackadaisical dancing shark
that has since taken the Internet by storm.

The halftime show also seems to have
gone without controversy, unlike last
year’s Red Hot Chili Peppers involving
pre-recorded instrumentals, or even

the infamous Janet Jackson wardrobe
malfunction. Although I have to say that
“I Kissed A Girl” loses its supposed shock
value when sung by Lenny Kravitz.

I do not know if I will start watching NFL
games regularly after this. However, with
the right teams, I believe that I could have
fun being a spectator. I can say that I will
almost certainly watch the next Super Bowl.