ON BECOMING:
THE AUTOETHNOGRAPHIC HEALING JOURNEY OF ONE COUNSELLOR IN TRAINING

by

Sage Goudsward
B. Comm., University of Northern British Columbia, 2003
Master of Business Administration, University of Northern British Columbia, 2007

THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF
THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF
MASTER OF EDUCATION
IN
COUNSELLING

UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN BRITISH COLUMBIA
February 2019

© Sage Goudsward, 2019

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Abstract

Counsellor identity development is a unique and challenging journey which involves
both academic training and personal formation. Research shows that who the counsellor is,
personally and interpersonally, is of greater impact in the therapeutic alliance than theory
or technique. The counsellor’s ongoing individual work on self, experiences in life, and
growth in self-awareness, empathy, and compassion are important tasks as the counsellor
moves from a novice counsellor to a master therapist.
This thesis is meant to add to the body of research on counsellor identity
development following the progression of a counsellor in training through this process.
Evocative autoethnography was utilized to provide a deeply personal perspective of the
process and change that occurred. It was found that spirituality, creativity, and play, as well
as the integration of emotional, mental, and somatic parts of self were essential elements
of this transformational journey of becoming.

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Table of Contents

Abstract ............................................................................................................................................ii
List of Figures ................................................................................................................................ viii
Chapter One: Introduction .............................................................................................................. 1
Significance and Purpose ...................................................................................................... 2
Personal Location .................................................................................................................. 3
Conceptual Lens .................................................................................................................... 5
Theoretical Orientation......................................................................................................... 9
Chapter Two: Literature Review ................................................................................................... 12
Introduction ........................................................................................................................ 12
Counsellor Development .................................................................................................... 12
Practicum and supervision. ............................................................................................. 17
Use of self........................................................................................................................ 20
Attributes and skills. ....................................................................................................... 23
The master therapist....................................................................................................... 25
Spirituality and Religion ...................................................................................................... 27
Christian spirituality ........................................................................................................ 30
Chapter Three: Methodology ....................................................................................................... 32
Qualitative Introduction ..................................................................................................... 32

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Authoethnography .............................................................................................................. 33
Evocative autoethnography. ........................................................................................... 38
Ethical Concerns .................................................................................................................. 39
Research Process ................................................................................................................ 41
Data Analysis ....................................................................................................................... 43
Evaluation of the Study ....................................................................................................... 45
Summary ............................................................................................................................. 48
Chapter 4: Gestation ..................................................................................................................... 50
So it starts ........................................................................................................................... 50
What If…. ............................................................................................................................. 52
Beginnings & endings .......................................................................................................... 53
The accountant. .............................................................................................................. 53
Order & chaos ..................................................................................................................... 55
Internal chaos. ................................................................................................................ 58
Resistance. ...................................................................................................................... 59
Basics ................................................................................................................................... 60
Holding Space.................................................................................................................. 60
Empathy. ......................................................................................................................... 61
Change. ........................................................................................................................... 63

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Practice................................................................................................................................ 63
Resilience ........................................................................................................................ 65
Silence & stillness ................................................................................................................ 66
Elephants & apps ................................................................................................................ 67
Feelings & Emotions ........................................................................................................... 72
Fundamentally flawed .................................................................................................... 72
Humiliation...................................................................................................................... 74
Shame ............................................................................................................................. 76
Sticky wounds ................................................................................................................. 79
Belonging ........................................................................................................................ 80
Abandonment ................................................................................................................. 82
Self-acceptance. .............................................................................................................. 85
Ego....................................................................................................................................... 85
Kenosis ............................................................................................................................ 87
Defenses.......................................................................................................................... 88
Supervision .......................................................................................................................... 89
Feeling protective. .......................................................................................................... 90
Embracing paradox ............................................................................................................. 91
Paradoxical faith. ............................................................................................................ 94

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Ceremony ............................................................................................................................ 96
Compassion ......................................................................................................................... 98
Addiction. ........................................................................................................................ 99
Forgiveness ................................................................................................................... 101
Power & control ................................................................................................................ 102
Consent & coercion ....................................................................................................... 103
Women & men .............................................................................................................. 104
Strong women ............................................................................................................... 106
Body Wisdom .................................................................................................................... 108
Intimidation................................................................................................................... 108
Reconnection ................................................................................................................ 109
Embodied empathy ....................................................................................................... 110
Grief & Loss ....................................................................................................................... 113
Letter to my grandpa .................................................................................................... 114
Ripples ........................................................................................................................... 115
Creativity and play ............................................................................................................ 116
Creative exploration ..................................................................................................... 119
Timing............................................................................................................................ 120
Joy & incompetence...................................................................................................... 123

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Chapter 5: Culmination ............................................................................................................... 124
Going back to go forward ................................................................................................. 124
Letter to 2 year old me ................................................................................................. 126
Transformations ................................................................................................................ 127
Self-compassion ............................................................................................................ 127
Love ............................................................................................................................... 128
Light & Dark .................................................................................................................. 129
Becoming ...................................................................................................................... 130

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viii
List of Figures

Figure 1. Inner Exploration ..................................................................................................... 49
Figure 2. A Start....................................................................................................................... 51
Figure 3. Order & Chaos .......................................................................................................... 57
Figure 4. Counsellor's Colour Wheel....................................................................................... 60
Figure 5. Holding Space........................................................................................................... 61
Figure 6. Layers ....................................................................................................................... 73
Figure 7. Holder of Humiliation .............................................................................................. 76
Figure 8. Shame....................................................................................................................... 78
Figure 9. Shadow..................................................................................................................... 86
Figure 10. Kenosis ................................................................................................................... 88
Figure 11. Ceremony ............................................................................................................... 98
Figure 12. A Great Day for the Race ..................................................................................... 115
Figure 13. Come Play with Me .............................................................................................. 118
Figure 14. Integration ........................................................................................................... 122
Figure 15. 2 year old me ....................................................................................................... 125
Figure 16. Becoming ............................................................................................................. 131

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Acknowledgements

I have many people to acknowledge and thank for their impact on my life and support over
the course of this journey.
Linda, your heart for vulnerable people and each individual journey helped to bring my
compassion to the surface and resurrect parts of myself buried deep within. Thank you for
your fierce determination and tireless effort to educate us all about trauma. I appreciate all
you have added to my journey and for your continual encouragement that this thesis was
going to be beautiful. It has indeed been a beautiful journey.
John, the program would not be the same without you. So many times while writing this I
thought about you and how much you have taught me. Thank you for challenging us, for
helping us delve deeper than surface appearances, and to sit with the uncomfortable and
awkward while staying curious.
To my clients, who taught me so much, and I am convinced helped me far more than I
helped them; you are each courageous, resilient, and beautiful human beings.
Ken, my partner in life, you are my constant. I am deeply grateful for you. Your steadfast
support of my life of exploration means everything to me. I cannot imagine my life without
you.
Reed, Solomon, & Hope, I love you beyond words and with all that I am.
Juniper, this is for you, my love, and all the future generations. I will continue to fight for
my freedom so that you can live in peace.
And to my family, those who came before, those who are with me now, and those still to
come, thank you.
Finally, my SOH lovelies, my elephant sisters, you are each such a gift to me. Thank you for
being, seeing, listening, doing, speaking, questioning, and above all loving.
Each one of you adds beauty, wonder, colour, and texture to the tapestry of my life.

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Chapter One: Introduction

This thesis is the intersection and interweaving of two seemingly separate journeys:
a spiritual journey and a journey into counsellor identity development. Both are journeys of
becoming and both are journeys of healing. Yet ultimately, these journeys are one and the
same; this journey is mine.
In considering the numerous topics that could be chosen to research for my thesis, I
kept coming back again and again to autoethnography and the process of becoming. This
thesis was conceived of to follow the process of counsellor development but quickly
became about the deeper reality of the process of becoming. A good counsellor is
intricately and primarily a by-product of the transformational process of self. It is out of this
self that the counsellor identity flows. Counselling is about healing: emotional,
psychological, and spiritual healing for certain but also includes bodily health. Done well,
counselling is a process of growth and restoration that involves the whole self. With this in
mind, this thesis explores my growth, expansion of knowledge, of the head and the heart,
the experiences I have had, and the ways in which I have changed. The intent is to capture
a transformational journey as I progressed through the Master of Education in Counselling
program at the University of Northern British Columbia.
This process of becoming is something I have been attentive to personally but never
has it been a focus for me before in academia, and I find that rather sad and unfortunate.
Generally, in post-secondary, the consideration of who a person is somehow gets
obliterated by the focus on what they know. Yet, in my life, work, and experience as a
woman, student, researcher, employee, leader, wife, mother, and now grandmother, it is

On Becoming
clear to me that who we are as people is of paramount importance as it relates to what we
do and how we navigate in the world. How we view other people and how we are in the
world matters. Counselling is a vocation, a profession that demands one’s all; self is
immersed in and must be brought to the work. It is not simply cognitive, not purely
technique or tools, and yet certainly not all emotion; it is a blending of personality,
character, knowledge, and instinct. It encompasses spirit, soul, and body. It is art and
science. It is truly holistic. To become a better counsellor is to become a better person and
I believe to become a better person is to become a better counsellor.
I will be embracing the method of autoethnography from the start and will therefore
be weaving my story in amongst the literature and findings of other researchers. This, I
believe, is true to the method and will provide a richer, wholehearted connection between
myself, as both the researcher and the researched, and the reader.
Significance and Purpose
As stated, this exploration is about becoming. It includes not only my becoming a
counsellor and the development of an identity that fits within that context, a counsellor
professional identity, but also the becoming of me, a personal identity, and the integration
and congruence of these aspects of identity development. Auxier, Hughes and Kline (2003)
found that at all stages of the counselor identity developmental process, a solid, richer
understanding of identity development was necessary. An oft quoted principle is that you
can’t take another where you are not willing to go, or expressed in the positive: you can
only take someone as far as you are willing to go, or in some cases have gone in your own
journey. This principle has been an important companion to me and the reason I have

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chosen to embark on my own intentional journey of development so that I can grow in
compassion and understanding; so that I can be as healthy as I can be, knowing that this
process of becoming is a life-long venture; and so that I can be a better counsellor for those
I will be privileged to journey with in the future. I do not want to be the impediment to
another’s journey, unable to walk along with them because I have not faced my own stuff,
and I don’t want to be a poor companion to myself along the way either. Of utmost
importance in the therapeutic relationship is the competence of the therapist; even more
important than method are the personal and professional aspects of the therapist
him/herself, and therefore an understanding of the development of the counselor is of
great interest (Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). My hope is that this thesis will add to the
expanding body of knowledge of the experience of counsellors in training and will articulate
in various forms this process of becoming.
Personal Location
I am a woman in my mid-forties. I have been married for over twenty-six years and
have gestated, birthed, and raised three children. I have welcomed a son-in-law and had the
great joy of being present as my granddaughter made herself known in the world. I come to
the Counselling program with a few years lived, some life experience, hardships,
excitement, trauma, gratitude, self-consciousness, joy, and curiosity. I come with a life-time
of working on my own stuff, of self-reflection and, more often than not, self-recrimination.
I am a complex human being (as are all human beings). Until recently, I had done a
fairly decent job at isolating myself from the world. For certain I have done a great many
things over the years, racked up seeming accomplishments and experiences but I did it all

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keeping a pretty firm protective coating around my heart. Then 2012 hit; I turned 40 that
year, I had always looked forward to turning 40, my whole life. I cannot emphasize this
enough, this call in my spirit towards turning 40 and the promise of freedom inherent in it. I
can’t tell you why; it was just in me. That year was the hardest, most grief stricken year of
my life; it was a deep, dark, night of the soul. And it catapulted me forward in a journey
toward freedom and healing, one that I had been meandering down slowly, while getting
quite side-tracked along the way, for most of my life.
While many others come to this Master of Education in Counselling program young,
which I’ll define as younger than thirty, with many of the milestones and thrashings that life
is sure to provide still ahead of them, I have ‘been there, done that’ in many ways. To be
sure I too have many life experiences still ahead but I am middle aged with a lot of life lived.
I believe this makes for a unique perspective and experience, within the program, and
especially in taking on an autoethnography as method for my thesis. Personal experiences,
especially hard and painful ones in adulthood, can be used to become a better counselor
(Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). I find myself wondering what I already have in my
counselling toolbox that I am not even aware of.
For certain, some of the tools are personal wounds; I am a wounded healer and as
such make my “own wounds available as a source of healing” to others (Nouwen, 1979, p.
4). As I began, I wondered how the personal growth and healing that I have fought hard for
would serve me on this journey and how many more untended wounds I would discover;
many as it turned out. Through this unique educational program of counselor identity
development, I grew and am now able to own the vocation of counselor, to call myself a

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therapist, a counsellor, and have it feel like a perfect fit; authentically me. In looking back
over the process of this very intentional autoethnographical journey, I see that it contained
a deep and meaningful transformation of self.
At its heart, I believe that autoethnography is about the location of self, honouring
the self as individual and unique and yet, simultaneously putting out a piece of the whole as
an offering to another, to see if there is any resonance, any recognition of experience or
emotion that would connect one to the other. This autoethnography is a place that I have
an opportunity to put myself on the page, to show up and to be me, to be seen, perhaps to
be known; and then secondarily, to hopefully have the pleasure to recognize fellow
travellers on the road. I have welcomed and enjoyed the journey amidst the pain and
suffering.
Conceptual Lens
Defining my conceptual lens has always been a struggle for me: Ontology,
epistemology, phenomenology, hermeneutics; all the big words. This autoethnography has
helped me to explore and articulate my ways of knowing, my experience in the world. It
answers, in part, the questions: How do I experience the world? What do I believe? Along
with Kovach (2010), I take some issue with the word ‘conceptual’ because it seems to put
rational thought, the mind, above such important parts of self as experience, emotion, and
spirit. I believe in spirit, soul, and body. My way of being in the world includes each of
these and they all work together to form and inform my way of being in the world.
I believe that we each create our own world based on what we believe, how we
interpret what we experience, the messages we receive, the culture that we are a part of,

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and the relationships that we have. What we do flows from what we believe and the
quality of our lives flows from the interaction of beliefs, emotions, experiences, and
behaviours that intersect and play off of each other to construct a way of being in the world
that is unique from everyone else on the planet. And yet, there are commonalities,
connection points between people, both individual and collective. There are ways that we
can, in part, understand another. I believe in freedom, I believe in choice, and I believe we
are all creators. We are, in my estimation, creating and co-creating all the time. This may
best be called a social-constructionist view.
I also believe in God. As it turns out, I believe in subjective, constructed truth and I
also believe in objective truth: a both-and paradigm, rather than an either-or, right/wrong,
good/bad, dualistic paradigm. I choose non-duality, which isn’t to say that there aren’t
things I take a stand on but I tend to see nuance and find that this is where the beauty lies.
It is a basic tenet of my ontology. I am open to the truth of one person or group or culture,
the subjective, and I am also open to the notion that there is a deeper reality, which some
call Ultimate Reality (Benner, 2018). I am also open to not knowing. So, I observe that we
human beings do socially construct our reality. It follows that my way of seeing the world is
not necessarily yours but that does not make mine right and yours wrong and neither does
it make yours right and mine wrong. It just is. I do believe that within both of our belief
systems, the constellation of values, beliefs, and opinions we hold, there may be better
ways to view things, ways that are more loving, honouring of diversity, and that embody a
more compassionate presence in the world.

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I do believe in objective truth, but in my view the only be-ing in the universe who
holds objective truth is God; the Ground of Being. While I see that our various views of God
are socially constructed, God exists both inside and importantly, outside of our notions as a
self-communicating reality that may not fit within our subjectively constructed views.
‘God’, in my view and many others across religious and spiritual traditions, is the ineffable
Source of all that is. As such, we tend to try to find ways to describe this Creator, the Origin,
the Great Mystery in language that continually fails us. Throughout this thesis, I will be
referring to God by many names because I am just doing what I can to put into the English
language which I speak, my experience of this Presence, within my mind, emotions,
consciousness, environment, and even body. I will capitalize the name I am using for God
and hope that it will be clear to the reader about whom I am speaking.
I cannot separate myself and my journey from God or from my relationship with
God. I am entwined with the Creator and the Spirit is entwined with me. As stated, there
are many names and expressions for God because as human beings we reach to define that
which is undefinable. We want to know, and explain that which is inexpressible; to grasp
and hold, even control, something that is not containable. My expression on this earth is a
journey to know this One and thereby know myself. God is the only one who knows me
completely and since I am made in the image of God, I can get to know portions of His
nature through a deeper understanding of who I am. This reciprocal relationship of God in
me and me in God, getting to know God and myself in ever expanding spirals is part of the
great adventure of my life.

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This autoethnography cannot, therefore, leave this massive part of my knowing,
experience, and cultural identity out. As I am more in awe of the Creator, I am more in awe
of the world around me in all its complexity, diversity, and splendour whether natural, or
supernatural, physical, emotional, or spiritual, and that in and of itself creates more
compassion and understanding for self and others in the world. To side-step or ignore this
is to deny myself, rendering this whole venture moot. For this thesis then I take the
position that I exist and can know myself and my God, at least in part.
Despite the beliefs I hold, my intention is to hold them lightly and to proceed in the
world with hands and heart open to unknowing. My intentional stance (not that I always
succeed in my intention) is to walk in humility, with the knowledge that I may not know,
that I have gaps in my understanding, and that other people or God may at any time invade
my worldview to give me a gift of recognition, of revelation I didn’t have before. Though I
have spent much of my life in education of some sort or another, as a life-long learner, the
longer I live, the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. It seems to me that we
make sense of the world based on what we think we know at a specific point in time within
a specific context. We piece the learning and experiences of yesterday together and then
new information comes and we integrate the new while trying to make sense of any
discrepancies. Sometimes we do this well and other times we hold tightly to what we think
we know in fear of letting go of the old or in fear that what is new cannot be aligned with
the old. Alternatively, we take the new and reject the truths of old, perhaps even vilifying
them. I have attempted in this journey to remain open to the new while retaining the
understanding of yesterday, able to sense when something must be discarded and replaced

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by new truth. I do agree with Pathak (2010) that, “To know is to engage an experience fully
with one’s mind, body and heart” (p. 4). Knowledge is fluid; I hold it lightly. This is my
epistemology.
Phenomenology is a much more interesting notion to me than either ontology or
epistemology. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (2018) discusses phenomenology
as a study of consciousness, of meaning, from a first person point of view and further
involves “various types of experience ranging from perception, thought, memory,
imagination, emotion, desire, and volition to bodily awareness, embodied action, and social
activity.” Therefore, rather than attempt to explain my phenomenology, I will rely on this
thesis to show it. I expect that my ontological, epistemological, phenomenological, and
hermeneutical lenses are manifest throughout this work. It contains the truth as I know it
which is the only kind of truth I have to offer.
Theoretical Orientation
At this point in my educational and developmental journey, I have many different
theoretical orientations, lenses, and tools that I use. I take an integrative approach to
counselling. I find myself to be very existential and person centered (Rogers, 1961) as well
as quite drawn to positive psychology. I much prefer to focus on strengths and
competencies rather than pathology. I greatly dislike pathologizing people and so I am
naturally drawn to theories and ways of doing therapy that honour the person and see
them as complex and dynamic, capable of self-determination. I am certainly still finding my
way, there are many different theories and some of these I view as filters that are placed on
top of my existential and person-centered lens in order to help the picture express itself.

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Some of this is client driven but much must come from the counsellor’s own basic
orientation and belief system; it must fit me but it also must fit with the client I am seeing.
There are a number of theories, therapy models, and seasoned practitioners that I am
drawn to including: Emotionally Focused Therapy (Johnson, 2004), Internal Family Systems
(Schwartz, 1995), Jungian analysis (Jung, 1933), dream interpretation and archetypes (Jung,
1961/1973; Jung, 1964), and psychological types (Jung, 1971/2017), among others.
My view of people, including myself, is that we are all equal in value and worth,
deserving of dignity and respect. I believe that each of us has personal responsibility and
choice and that we are sense-making people who construct our view of the world based on
our experiences and what we feel and believe about ourselves and others because of those
experiences which then largely dictates how we relate to ourselves and others in the world.
We are able to be conscious of self, which means that we can observe ourselves and be
curious about ourselves, adapting and making decisions about how we will behave in the
future. We are responsible for our own actions, beliefs, emotions, and choices and we can
do good or do harm to ourselves or others based on our beliefs and power to choose.
I have great confidence in the capacity of people for good. I also observe that we
often choose things that do not serve us well. Each of us has immense strength, resilience,
and power meant to be used for the good of ourselves, our community, and ultimately the
world. I wholeheartedly stand on the premise that individuals have the capacity for change
and growth and flourishing. Additionally, because I believe in spirit, soul, and body, I take a
holistic view of the client and am concerned not only with their mental and emotional
health but also how they are physically and spiritually. This could include considering such

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things as food and nutrition, sleep habits, how they relate to their body, and their
relationship with God. In other words, I look for a sense of integration and oneness (or
disconnection and fragmentation) between these facets of personhood as they all work
together, each piece affecting the others. I hold immense hope for our capacity as people
to change, grow, and transform, and this becoming process is not only for ourselves, it has
ripple effects for all those we are in relationship with. I view the vocation of counselling as
a sacred trust; it is beautiful; there is nothing else in the world like it.
There is no singular theory that incorporates all of these views that I hold of human
nature hence my integrative approach. I trust that as my own personal identity continues
to develop, my theoretical orientation will also change, broaden, and deepen, and along
with it my counsellor identity.

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12
Chapter Two: Literature Review

Introduction
The process of counsellor formation is a unique and self-reforming journey that
includes formal educational training alongside experiential learning and profound personal
growth and transformation. This literature review explores the process of counsellor
development, with the ongoing integration of a personal and professional identity, as well
as the progression from novice to master therapist. Also included is a consideration of
spirituality and counselling. Hogan (1964) sums it up well, “becoming a therapist is fraught
with the success and tragedy of becoming and that struggle is to be respected.” (p. 140).
Counsellor Development
The discussion of counsellor development and specifically professional counsellor
identity development is ongoing in the research literature and is shown to be of great
concern to supervisors, counsellor trainees, as well as experienced practitioners (Gibson,
Dollarhide & Moss, 2010; Orlinksy et al., 1999; Skovholt & Ronnestad, 1992). Development
as defined generally by Orlinsky et al. (1999) is, “a long term process by which practitioners
gradually refine their natural talents, acquire technical mastery of their craft, and overcome
personal limitations in professional work.” (p. 211) and counsellor development specifically
has been found to be a complex, long term process (Reising & Daniels, 1983).
Various developmental models have been postulated, some based on levels
(Stoltenberg, 1981); some stages (Skovholt & Ronnestad, 1992); and some phases
(Ronnestad & Skovhot, 2003). Hogan’s (1964) seminal, and very succinct, work described
four general stages/levels that counsellors travel through from the level 1 beginning

On Becoming
therapist to the level 4 master therapist. These stages are marked by very specific
behaviours, feelings, and approaches to the work of counselling and therefore require a
different type of supervisory atmosphere and counselling environment that would help
progress the maturing counsellor onto the next stage.
As development inherently requires systematic change over the course of time
(Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003; Skovholt & Ronnestad, 1992), the counsellor-in-training goes
through an often intense metamorphosis of their self-concept which necessarily includes
emotional and cognitive processes as well as experiences throughout the program of study,
the resulting outcome of which is a counselling identity (Auxier et al., 2003; Stoltenberg,
1981). This metamorphosis is described as “a recycling identity formation process” (Auxier
et al., 2003, p. 32). This process involves three components: conceptual learning (course
readings and experiences), experiential learning (supervision, skill development, client
contact and group experience), and external evaluation (various forms of feedback from
professors, supervisors, peers, and clients) (Auxier et al., 2003, p. 30). The progression of
growth often starts with conceptual learning which satisfies for a time but as the counsellor
identity continues to evolve, experiential learning and feedback in the form of external
evaluation become essential and more informative for the developmental process but also
evoke a great deal of anxiety (Chang, 2011; Folkes-Skinner, Elliott, & Wheeler, 2010).
The level 1 beginner is often insecure, method-driven, lacking insight into behaviours
and motivations of self and others, yet highly motivated to learn (Hogan, 1964). During this
stage of development students experience much anxiety, fear, distress, and lack of
confidence as well as feelings of incompetence and inadequacy (Auxier et al., 2003; Chang,

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2011; Jordan & Kelly, 2004; Reising & Daniels, 1983; Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). The
dissonance at this point is striking as conceptual learning gives many theories, tools, and
practices, yet the gap for students between theory and practice is starkly evident, causing
some to feel they may have made a mistake in attempting to become a counsellor (Chang,
2011; Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010). The realization starts to dawn that the work of
counselling is marked by ambiguity (Skovholt & Starkey, 2010); that it is more art than
science (Stoltenberg, 1981). Ambivalence and self-doubt are prominent at this point
(Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010). As the budding counsellor moves to the next level of
development, there is a need for more autonomy but the journey is fraught with struggle.
The student is caught between dependency and autonomy, overconfidence and being
overwhelmed; knowing what to do one minute and completely lost the next; feeling deep
commitment and terrible misgivings (Hogan, 1964).
Building on both Hogan’s (1964) and Stoltenberg’s (1981) work, Skovholt and
Ronnestad (1992) outlined several stages (phases) of counsellor development and
numerous relevant themes that emerged from their study of one hundred counsellors
across their careers. As this data was added to and transitioned from a cross-sectional
study to a longitudinal study (Ronnestad & Skovhot, 2003) a refining of their findings began.
A key finding of their research was the necessary and progressive integration of the
counsellor’s personal and professional self over time. At the beginning stages, the external
demands of the graduate program, professors, practicum supervisors, and the institution
itself, can cause a gap between the professional self and the personal self of the counsellor
in training as the student tries to take on new learning and behaviours in ways that are

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On Becoming
acceptable to these external forces. This gap closes as development continues and the
blending of these two selves is an important marker in the maturation of the counsellor.
This individuation process sees the counsellor becoming more grounded in who they are, in
terms of values, theoretical orientation, and techniques used while drawing on personal
experience, and relational wisdom earned over the years within many layers of relationship
including clients, family, friends, and professional associates. Continuous self-reflection is a
core element of further development especially after formal training is completed
(Goodyear, Wertheimer, Cypers, & Rosemond, 2003).
Intrinsic to this process, and yet a separate component, is the external evaluation
which aids the counsellor-in-training in identifying and processing emotion, behaviour, and
skills in a way that progresses the development of a blended counsellor professional
identity with the personal identity. These components are not linear, but cyclical; the
interplay between the conceptual, experiential, and evaluative components continues as
the graduate educational program proceeds and each component informs the others
(Auxier et al., 2003). This formation of a counsellor identity involving the integration of a
personal and professional self includes an ever increasing consistency between theoretical
orientation and personality and also the ability to apply personally aligned techniques to the
therapeutic work (Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). Finally, Auxier et al. (2003) found that this
increasing autonomy coupled with a self-directive learning style helped students to clarify
their personal counseling identity.
As the personal and professional selves of the therapist merge, the therapist is more
able to express his/her personality and sense of humour with clients, and a sense of ease in

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On Becoming
the work can be experienced. As the therapist is more integrous and authentic to who they
are, anxiety begins to dissipate. Authentic expression of self and creativity within the
therapist-client relationship becomes more pronounced and important as the therapist
moves through higher phases of development and experience (Hogan, 1964; Ronnestad &
Skovholt, 2003). This phase corresponds with Level 3 of Hogan’s (1964) developmental
process where the counsellor now has greater insight into themselves and their clients, has
increased self-confidence, and motivation is more stable. This level is often attained in the
years following the formal educational program when the counsellor moves out into their
own practice.
Counsellor professional identity involves not only professional training in counselling
at a graduate level but also personal attributes which both must be integrated and situated
in a community of counseling professionals (Gibson et al., 2010). Recognizing this
important progression, one of the critical themes identified out of the Counselor
Professional Advocacy Leadership Conferences in 1998 was that graduate counsellor
education students should develop a clear identity as a professional counsellor and further
that students should take pride in this identity (Chi Sigma Iota, n.d.). Additionally, as
articulated by Kaplan and Gladding (2011), the strengthening of counsellor identity is seen
as one of seven critical needs by numerous counseling associations, though admittedly this
specific focus on identity seemed more concerned with a collective identification with the
profession of counseling rather than showing concern for and attention to the development
of the individual’s personal identity as a professional counsellor. Affiliation and
identification with the profession itself, collective identity, is important, yet the facets of

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On Becoming
individual identity that make up the professional counsellor are of paramount importance
at the beginning stages of development and this identity is molded during the counselling
education program, with the participation of other professionals in the community (Gibson
et al., 2010). There must be a shift from the conceptualization of professional counsellor
identity as a construct outside of the counsellor trainee to an internal orientation and
conceptualization of the self as a professional counsellor (Auxier et al., 2003; Gibson et al.,
2010). This process is aided considerably by the feedback inherent in graduate training
during practicum and supervision (Hogan, 1964; Stoltenberg, 1981).
In a large study, surveying psychotherapists from a variety of countries, Orlinsky,
Botermans, and Ronnestad (2001), found four factors consistently ranked as the most
profound influence for practitioners of all experience levels. They are (by rank): 1.)
experience in therapy with clients, 2.) formal supervision, 3.) personal therapy, and 4.)
experiences in personal life outside of therapy. The final two factors center on personal
growth and development while the first two factors are encompassed within the practicum
and supervision experiences of the graduate program.
Practicum and supervision. The importance of direct experience with clients for
counsellors in training cannot be overstated. In fact the most profound influence on
counsellor development is direct experience with clients in the context of a counseling
session (Orlinsky, Botermans, & Ronnestad, 2001; Skovholt & Starkey, 2010); there is no
substitute for this and nothing else has more relevance, especially at the beginning stages of
development (Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010). Besides the inherent sense of incompetence that
strikes the student at this point, there are also times of synergy where the concepts learned

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On Becoming
are put into practice and unknown competencies begin to emerge (Chang, 2011). Combined
with effective supervision, these client sessions provide invaluable information to the
student. Taken together they serve to socialize the student into the therapy context and
culture which teaches students to think, embrace values, and act in ways consistent with
the profession (Gibson et al., 2010).
As previously stated, anxiety (Reising & Daniels, 1983), insecurity (Hogan, 1964),
self-consciousness (Stoltenberg, 1998) and even feelings of frustration and confusion
(Skovholt & Starkey, 2010) are natural and expected as part of the process for student
counsellors, novice and advanced, regardless of culture or country of origin. This seems a
universal experience of the developing counsellor (Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). Along
with this jumble of emotions, the beginning counsellor is self-focused (Leach, Stoltenberg,
Eichenfield, & McNeill, 1997), and so it is important to encourage humility, for the
developing practitioner to shift focus to the client and to recognize the great gifts that
clients have to offer. It is said that counsellors learn more from their clients than they ever
teach them (Skovholt & Starkey, 2010). After all, the therapeutic relationship is all about
connection and is considerably helped when the counsellor is intent on seeking out and
finding beauty in the client (Pipher, 2003) rather than focused on their own performance.
The supervision required at different stages of development changes, and is
important to note as the counsellor evolves. At the beginning stages of the counsellor’s
progression imitation is a significant focus (Hogan, 1964; Skovholt & Ronnestad, 1999). The
novice therapist is looking to emulate those seen as expert; therefore, watching other more
experienced therapists, receiving support and clear suggestions and feedback in

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On Becoming
supervision, as well as following prescribed models become the first anchors that students
hold onto in their development. As they progress, imitation becomes less important as
autonomy is embraced and the student finds their own way during the integration of their
personal and professional selves as described earlier. It is an attuned supervisor who can
manage to be and do what the student needs at the time their development calls for it.
Auxier et al. (2003) elaborate on the process that students proceed through in terms
of supervision and found that the experiential learning of supervisor and peer feedback is
evaluated by the counsellor in training against his/her own concept of self and whether the
feedback is in alignment with this self-concept. Additionally they found that counsellors in
training took the feedback, received and analyzed it, evaluating it and reflecting on it based
not only on his/her own self-concept but also on the perceived value of the feedback and
the genuineness with which it is offered. This was a careful process on the part of
participants and not an easy one, especially when feedback did not align with the current
view of self, but involved deciding whether the self-concept was correct or incorrect and
whether the perception of the person giving the feedback was valid or not. This process was
a cyclical breaking down of self-perception; a peeling off of layers and a deconstruction of
self (Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010), that was followed by a rebuilding that was instrumental in
the development of counsellor professional identity but also greatly impacted personal
identity while moving the counsellor-in-training along the path of autonomy. This
developmental progression shows the movement that counsellor trainees make towards
evaluating themselves internally based on training and personal experience, a significant
change from the initial reliance on external evaluation and one of the transformational

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On Becoming

20

tasks of counsellor identity development, the continual flow towards congruence (Moss,
Gibson, & Dollarhide, 2014).
As articulated, these experiences with clients, and in supervision, greatly help in the
integration and congruence of the personal and professional selves of the student. Prosek
and Hurt (2014) found that counsellor trainees with over one hundred hours of counselling
practicum showed greater congruence between their personal and professional identity
than those with few or no practicum hours. Additionally, they advise counsellor educators
to set the bar of expectation high for counsellor trainees in order to be intentional about
students’ building professional identity throughout the graduate program and continually
working towards integrity between their personal and professional identities.
Practicum and supervision do not last forever, though certainly gathering a peer
supervision group together in practice is highly encouraged, the counsellor must be able to
self-reflect. There must be an ability to be attentive to countertransference, inner
motivations, triggers and shadow issues, for personal growth but also for the health and
safety of the client and the therapeutic alliance. Throughout their careers, therapists learn
much from their clients but also their personal lives are seen as a rich repository of
information to aid in the continual practice of self-reflection and growth (Ronnestad &
Skovholt, 2003). As such, experience with clients and supervision can only take the
developing counsellor so far, an intentional journey of personal growth is also necessary to
grow to higher levels of counsellor development.
Use of self.

Counselling is a special type of vocation in which the counsellor uses

their own self in the process of helping another heal; the whole of the therapist shows up in

On Becoming
the room with the client, this includes cultural, political, and spiritual perspective as well as
the personal issues, struggles, triggers, wounds, feelings, and attitudes of the counsellor
(Aponte & Kissil, 2014).
Studies show that who the therapist is, is more important than the method used
(Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). The intrapersonal work required in this process cannot be
overemphasized as the interpersonal skills of the therapist are central to the therapeutic
alliance (Nissen-Lie, Havik, Hoglend, Monsen, & Ronnestad, 2013). Reflection is core to this
work and is articulated by Ronnestad & Skovholt (2003) as “a continuous and focused
search for a more comprehensive, nuanced and in-depth understanding of oneself and
others, and of the processes and phenomena that the practitioner meets in his/her work”
(p. 29). As the counsellor-in-training progresses on their developmental path, ideally there
will be movement from a self-conscious stance which is about self-protection, an overly
internal focus on self, and an over-emphasis on being evaluated, to a self-aware posture of
reflecting on one’s presence with a client (Stoltenberg, 1998). The counsellor can only be
where they are at any given moment; they bring that self into the therapy session with the
client and engage with the client from this place, and so the development of in-the-moment
self-awareness of the counsellor is essential to the growth of the counsellor, as well as the
client they are serving (Kissil, Carneiro & Aponte, 2018). As the counsellor becomes more
self-aware, they can begin to work through their own emotional, mental, and somatic
struggles. This is important, as Aponte and Kissil (2014) explain, the more the therapist is
working through their own struggles, the better they can relate to the client and develop
empathy for both themselves and their clients while also differentiating themselves from

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On Becoming
their clients in order to avoid harmful effects of countertransference. In addition, NissenLie et al. (2013) found that clients were especially sensitive to therapists’ personal distress
and that this had a negative effect on the working relationship between the therapist and
the client, highlighting the importance of this personal work by the therapist.
As therapists progress in their development, the importance of personal and
interpersonal experiences becomes more pronounced and explicitly recognized; the
importance of working on self is understood more profoundly and life lived becomes an
important fount of knowledge (Skovholt & Starkey, 2010). Some of the best lessons for the
counselling practitioner are the experiences of loss, suffering, and recovery that occur for all
of us in life (Skovholt & Ronnestad, 1999; Skovholt & Starkey, 2010); these provide a rich
repository for the practitioner willing to grow in empathy and compassion through their
own life experiences.
Personal and professional development is a life-long process that is often slow and
erratic (Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003; Skovholt & Starkey, 2010), and yet years of experience
is not necessarily synonymous with expertise or increasing development within the
counselling profession (Jennings, Goh, Skovholt, Hanson, & Benerjee-Stevens, 2003;
Skovhot & Ronnestad, 1992). What emerges clearly from the research is the simultaneous
and interconnected necessity of the intentional personal growth and development of the
counsellor, which involves ongoing self-reflexive practice (Goodyear et al., 2003), alongside
clinical experience with clients. Jung (1933) also acknowledged the importance of this inner
work of the counsellor delving into the unconscious and shadow sides of self in order come
to a sense of self-acceptance or else to be an “unconscious fraud” (p. 235). In fact, personal

22

On Becoming
therapy in addition to experiences in the personal life of the counsellor were found by
Orlinsky et al, (2001) to actually increase in prominence and importance as counsellors
progressed in their development.
Many personal attributes contribute to the development of counsellor professional
identity (Henderson & Montplaisir, 2013). Ronnestad and Skovholt (2003) articulate that
being open to learning, able and willing to recognize the complex nature of the work,
exploratory, active, and eager to grow are important indicators of a developmental posture.
Jennings et al. (2003) emphasize a tolerance of ambiguity, cultural competence, and
openness to change as well as emotional and relational health as important characteristics
of a counsellor. Increasing authenticity in the use of self is progressive and occurs over years
of practice (Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003); as such the counsellor’s use of self necessarily
involves intentional personal, emotional, spiritual growth, and healing thereby freeing up
more of self to be available and present to the client in therapy (Aponte & Kissil, 2014)
Attributes and skills. There are innumerable external techniques and skills to be
learned that will aid the practice of counselling (Egan, 2006) but of greater importance are
the internal skills and qualities of the therapist. Various qualities have been acknowledged
in the literature as being attributes of a good counsellor, these include being: sincere,
warm, responsible, trustworthy, non-judgmental, accepting, sensitive, fair, and openminded (Wheeler, 2000). While empirical research is important, a great deal can be learned
from those who have influenced the profession of therapy over the years by sharing the
wisdom gained from their own practice.

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On Becoming
Carl Rogers has had a profound effect on the counselling profession and on the
understanding of the foundational skills required to be an effective and personable
therapist (Crisp, 2014). Intrinsic to his person-centered approach are some core
characteristics of the counsellor in terms of attitude towards the client, such as
unconditional positive regard, genuineness, and empathic understanding (Corey, 2016).
Rogers (1961) talks about his own progression of development from understanding
trustworthiness as doing all the external things necessary to seem responsible and
dependable to realizing that the therapeutic relationship was helped most by him being
who he deeply and truly was interiorly, to have congruence between the personal and
professional self, and in fact recognized this coat of professionalism as a distancing of
himself from the client. This meant that he had to recognize his own separateness from the
client, his own feelings and worldview, and yet equally recognize the client’s separateness;
and then to allow himself to have positive feelings for the client and not to be afraid of that
positive affect but instead to foster it. He also recognized that he needed to have a helping
relationship with himself, that he had to meet himself in ways that he would meet clients,
with unconditional positive regard, with acceptance, with kindness, with presence, and then
he could reasonably meet clients in a helping way as well. Rogers felt that clients must
sense that they can be transparent and real, and they know that it is safe to do this when
they feel the counsellor is being authentic and real with them.
Yalom (2002) adds to the skill set for counsellors when he speaks about attending to
the here and now, this ability to tune into the space between the client and counsellor and
stay with what is happening in the present: in a word, immediacy. He stresses this as

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On Becoming
important because what happens between counsellor and client is a relationship, it is
interpersonal, what happens in the counselling room within this relationship is a glimpse at
what happens for the client in the rest of their life. It is a “social microcosm” (p. 47).
Another skill desirable for continued health as a counsellor is to be able to connect
with a client, enter their world, work within it and then when session is over, be able to
change focus smoothly and without emotional baggage to the next client; to be refreshed at
the end of the day rather than depleted (Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). Rogers (1961) talks
about being able to so see the world through the clients eyes that he loses any sense of
judgment. Integral to this is the regulation of emotion, which is an essential skill for all
levels of counsellor experience (Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003).
Additionally, having a breadth of practice has also been found to be important;
therapists who are influenced by two or more theoretical orientations are assessed more
positively within the therapist-client relationship and also generally have a more open
stance towards learning and development which guards against stagnation and burnout
(Ronnestad & Skovholt, 2003). Of course, working towards mastery in all of these personal
attributes and skills is a long and challenging journey; it might be helpful to consider what it
looks like when one has gained expertise as a therapist.
The master therapist. Assuming that a goal of counsellor development is to progress
to a level of expertise over time, it seems pertinent to question the conditions necessary for
this to occur and by what process this might be possible. Therefore, along with an
understanding of the developmental process of counsellors-in-training, it is equally
important to consider the characteristics and values of master therapists as those will

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On Becoming
provide points of reference against which progress can be assessed. Jennings and Skovholt
(1999), found some characteristics of master therapists to be: an intense love of learning,
an embracing of ambiguities and complexities of life, attentiveness to their own emotional
health and the effects this has on their work with clients, and attuned self-awareness and
openness to feedback. Orlinsky et al. (1999), found that perceptions of experienced growth
amongst therapists of various years of experience remain high providing a sense of
regeneration within their practice that may prevent feelings of stagnation. The master
therapist seems to embrace the paradoxes of life as they present in the personal and
professional life of the counsellor (Skovholt & Starkey, 2010). This level 4 therapist, utilizing
Hogan’s (1964) model is creative and intuitive, having the depth of an experienced artist
while embodying the paradoxes inherent in the work.
Jennings, Sovereign, Bottorf, Mussell, and Vye (2005) in their study of master
therapists identified the following nine values as essential to the ethics and ethos of these
seasoned counsellors:
 relational connection - with themselves, friends, family and their clients was of
utmost importance;
 autonomy - which includes the recognition that all people have an innate right to
make decisions about their own lives;
 beneficence - the draw to help others make positive change and growth from
pain and suffering;
 nonmaleficence - always being mindful of the power of the therapeutic
relationship in order to minimize harm;

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On Becoming
 competence - continuing to grow skills and pursue training;
 humility - understanding their limits and intentionally staying aware of their
weaknesses;
 professional growth - embracing life-long learning, their own therapy and peer
supervision;
 being open to complexity and ambiguity - knowing there are no easy answers for
life’s issues; that the unknown is greater than the known; and
 self-awareness - a deep understanding and awareness of the need to continue to
work on their own stuff, the triggers, shadow issues, defenses, and growth needs
that we all have.
Expertise in counselling is in itself paradoxical and ambiguous; it has been described
with terms like creativity, intuition, and wisdom (Hogan, 1964; Jennings et al., 2003) as well
as the balance of opposites such as having a “drive to mastery and never a sense of having
fully arrived; ability to be deeply present with another and often preferring solitude; great
at giving of self and nurturing of self” (Jennings et al., 2003, p. 66). Arguably a master
therapist in his own right, Rogers (1961) sums up the sense I have of my own journey when
he shares, “if I am to facilitate the personal growth of others in relation to me, then I must
grow, and while this is often painful it is also enriching.” (p. 51).
Spirituality and Religion
If we are to truly live and do our work as counsellors within a diverse, polyvariegated society, in an inclusive, culturally-sensitive, and attentive way, we must be
willing and able to take into consideration multiple perspectives (Shafranske, 2016).

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On Becoming
Unfortunately, spirituality and religion, especially religion, have been seen as taboo and a
subject often provoking downright hostility in our secular society. This frequently bleeds
into psychology and counselling as well (Harris, Pargament, Sisemore, & Brown, 2014), even
into counselling education (Zinnbauer & Pragament, 2000). As Burke et al. (1999) point out:
Counseling has long been influenced by the secular sphere of medicine, the
rationalism of the scientific method, the agnosticism of Sigmund Freud, and the
church/state separation… Thus it has eschewed fully recognizing spirituality and
religion… counseling has been inclined to conform to and draw support from the
ideologies of current intellectual giants and established professions, even if these
ideologies undervalue the spiritual dimension of human life that counsellors know to
be important. (p. 251)
Though some deny, and even vilify, any connection between counselling and
spirituality and/or religion (Zinnbauer & Pragament, 2000), there is a growing body of
research showing their deep interconnectedness as they relate to therapists’ personal lives
and their work with clients (Bilgrave & Deluty, 2002; Smith & Orlinsky, 2004). The evidence
is mounting that many of those in practice hold personal religious and spiritual beliefs, and
believe that these are beneficial in sessions with clients (Bilgrave & Deluty, 1998).
Additionally, many clients would like to discuss this important dimension of their lives in
therapy with their counsellor (Oxhandler & Pargament, 2018) and yet feel apprehension in
doing so, fearing that their religious and spiritual views and values will be denigrated
(Zinnbauer & Pargament, 2000).

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On Becoming
It would seem that though the profession of counselling may be seen as secular,
many practitioners hold spiritual and religious beliefs that deeply impact their work as
therapists and that there exists a reciprocal relationship whereby their work with clients
also impacts their personal spiritual beliefs (Bilgrave & Deluty, 1998; Smith & Orlinsky,
2004). Yet, most counselling graduate programs spend little to no time preparing students
for the practice of working with those with various spiritual and religious beliefs, let alone
being attentive to their own religious and spiritual beliefs, whether that be within formal
coursework or supervision (Shafranske, 2016); this despite the evidence of its relevance to
clients and positive outcomes (Harris et al., 2014; Oxhandler & Pargament, 2018), and the
importance of sacred moments within the therapeutic relationship (Pargament, 2014).
Harris et al. (2014) point out that spirituality and religion are interrelated and rely on
each other; while spirituality can be seen as the individual’s quest for connection to the
divine, the transcendent and the sacred; religion is a container in which this quest can
occur. Just as spirituality and religion are difficult to separate, so are spirituality and
psychotherapy. Spiritual struggles impact mental health and psychological functioning
impacts spiritual health (Pargament, Murray-Swank, & Tarakeshwar, 2005). As Jung (1978)
so poignantly observed, “Everything to do with religion, everything it is and asserts, touches
the human soul so closely, psychology least of all can afford to overlook it.” (p. 337).
Often, in academic circles, even if spirituality and religion are acknowledged, they
are generally reduced to a melting pot of generic ideologies as if they are unidimensional
and blending them all together somehow helps to articulate the deeply held convictions of
a particular individual or group. Having said that, it must be acknowledged that the mature

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On Becoming
branches and forms of religious tradition have many things in common, not the least of
which are the common questions they grapple with (Benner, 2018). For all these reasons,
the cultural competence of counselling professionals cannot be overlooked and must
necessarily include religious and spiritual culture (Oxhandler & Pargament, 2018); and the
counsellor must be very aware of their own spiritual and religious beliefs in considering
their approach to working with clients (Zinnbauer & Pargament, 2000).
Christian spirituality. My particular spiritual and religious culture is a Christian
culture; my spiritual identity rooted in a contemplative Christian spirituality. The premise of
an authentic Christian spirituality is that we are in relationship: with God, with ourselves
and with others (Bourgeault, 2013). We are born for connection and designed by Love, to
love (Benner, 2015). Smith (1987/2017) in speaking of Meister Eckhart (a 13/14th century
Christian mystic) shares a perspective that resonates, he states:
He realized, above all, the question of God is at the same time a question about Man.
I cannot know God unless I know myself. Religion has its origin and its meaning in
the human heart. Therefore, when the outward forms cease to satisfy, it is only by
returning to the human heart that we can resolve the crisis. The sublime and
glorious reality that we call ‘God’, is to be sought first and foremost in the human
heart. If we do not find him there, we shall not find him anywhere else. If we do
find him there, we shall never lose him again; wherever we turn, we shall see his
face. (p. 4)
Cozart (2010) speaks passionately about her own journey to reconcile her Christian
spirituality within the Black Church with her role in the academy. I feel the same rending

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On Becoming
she describes, recognizing the disconnect and disintegration that results from keeping parts
of self separate and the call in my spirit to reconcile and to live whole, to stop the “selfmarginalization by entering the discourse about spirituality and education” (p. 266). The
integration and individuation of a unified self, which includes the merging of a personal and
professional self, must also incorporate our religious and spiritual selves. When these parts
of self are not integrated but kept separate, there is a “warping of the soul” (D. Benner,
personal communication, September 23, 2018); it does us harm and to live in wholeness
requires a reconciliation, a coming together to live in harmony; integrous; true to who we
are.

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On Becoming

32
Chapter Three: Methodology

Qualitative Introduction
There are two general approaches to research inquiry: quantitative and qualitative. I
know this now, but I didn’t always. Most of my post-secondary educational experience has
revolved around both numbers and people so when I did my Master of Business
Administration degree, the ability to combine these two utilizing a quantitative method in
my final project was fun and exciting for me. Adding to my excitement was the opportunity
to delve into a topic that I was passionate about, specifically how we treat each other. At
the time I had no idea there was any other way to inquire about the research topic,
quantitative was the way. Interestingly I always felt that I was only getting a very small part
of the story. Sure, I could take the numbers that I had crunched, spout off percentages and
compare and contrast people’s responses by reducing them to hard figures. All this, I was
assured, could then be applied to the general population, it was statistically significant, not
to mention had reliability and validity; but what of the actual people and their individual
stories?
It always sat with me uneasily, a partially completed painting, an unanswered and
seemingly unanswerable question. It haunted me really, if I am honest. I thought of the
stories that some wrote in the comments section of the survey and I pondered, wondering,
wanting to plumb the depths of their experience, to sit with them as they told me their
story, to connect with them in their pain and anger. Yet, this was not the way of
quantitative inquiry. The implicit, and often explicit, assertion being that to leave self and
story out of the research was the most valid form of knowledge acquisition (Pathak, 2010).

On Becoming
As Wall (2006) states “Traditional scientific approaches, still at play today, require
researchers to minimize their selves, viewing self as a contaminant and attempting to
transcend and deny it. The researcher ostensibly puts bias and subjectivity aside in the
scientific research process by denying his or her identity.” (p. 2). It did seem like a denial to
me, I was denying my inherent curiosity and my instinct that there was so much more; I had
but scratched the surface. Then, I started this program and the eyes of my understanding
flew open as I discovered that there was indeed another way. Qualitative inquiry was the
key to filling in the missing part of the painting and adding the detail that was so sorely
needed.
Qualitative inquiry, rather than attempting to be objective and separate from the
research, acknowledges the researcher as part of the process and as such expects
researchers to be critically reflective about their own values, attitudes, and beliefs as it
relates to the subject to be researched as well as the participants involved in the study
(Pitard, 2017). A form of qualitative inquiry that allows the researcher to also be the
researched is autoethnography.
Authoethnography
Luvaas (2017) articulates my intuition of autoethnography and why it called to me as
the method of choice for my thesis. He says, “Autoethnography is a research methodology
that employs conscious becoming as a strategy for producing academic knowledge” (p. 1).
In my case, I am in an educational program that is meant to produce counsellors and yet
counselling flows from who the counsellor is, as a person, and as such cannot be reduced to
a commodity; it is not a product, it is about relationship, process, personhood; it is a

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On Becoming
becoming for the therapist as much as the client. As such, I felt that it deserved to be
honoured, this process, this journey, and what better way to honour my family and
community, my past and future clients as well as myself, than to find my voice and embark
on an intense, very intentional journey of becoming as I progressed through the counselling
program; and what better method than autoethnography?
Autoethnography and counselling have many things in common, not the least of
which is ambiguity, reflexivity, being conscious of self, and anxiety (Bochner & Ellis, 2016;
Cho & Trent, 2006; Muncey, 2010; Skovholt & Starkey, 2010; Wall, 2008). Muncey (2010)
alludes to this connection when she links the role of counsellor and the corresponding role
of client, with the researcher as researched in autoethnography. She adds, “there is no
distinction between doing research and living a life” (p. 3). Indeed, the lines of distinction
blur and each role informs the other. McMillan and Ramirez (2016) do a beautiful job of
demonstrating this cohesion in their co-constructed autoethnography of healing from
trauma which they describe as “uncomfortably transformative” (p. 452).
Autoethnography is meant to be a blend and balance of self (auto), culture (ethno)
and, research and writing (graphy) (Wall, 2006; Winkler, 2018). It is a weaving together of
self and culture, theory and story (McMillian & Ramirez, 2016). In other words, it is
representing a personal perspective within the context of culture around a specific topic of
research. Muncey (2005) speaks of this method of research as a celebration of the
individual story. Ultimately, I have chosen autoethnography as my method of choice for
this thesis because I needed to allow my heart to be present (Ellis et al., 2008; Pelias, 2004);
and I would say my spirit as well. I needed to heal, to be honest, and so it was necessary to

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intentionally and consciously engage with the process of becoming a counsellor. There was
this call within me to become more deeply human (Benner, 2011; Hoppes, 2014); a person,
working on her stuff, and thereby to perhaps earn the privilege of accompanying others on
their own healing journeys. I take seriously the adage that you can’t take people any further
than you are willing to go (Aponte & Kissil, 2014), this is true in counselling as well as the
spiritual journey, and as such I felt this sojourn was imperative and autoethnography was
the research method of best fit. Adams, Holman Jones, & Ellis (2015), articulate it this way,
“Autoethnography is a way of caring for the self. We often write to work something out for
ourselves...” (p. 62). Denzin (2006) writes, “In writing from the heart, we learn how to love,
to forgive, to heal, and to move forward.” (p. 423). This beautifully describes the integrated
autoethnographic journey of counselling and spirituality.
Autoethnography is disruptive. This process is and has been excruciating, the
vulnerability is raw and I found myself having to dig into this courageous core that I am not
always sure I have. The process itself, the inevitable offering of myself to others to judge
and adjudicate has me full of fear and trepidation. This is autoethnography; it is like
someone asking me to walk into a defence of my life – naked, where the risk of humiliation
feels high and the messiness of life is exposed, and the person asking it of me, is me. I was
heartened to find this same sentiment articulated by others (Ellis, 1999; Forber-Pratt, 2015;
Tenni, Smyth, & Boucher, 2003). What am I thinking? Why would I put myself through
this? I am living these questions right now, hoping an answer will emerge. I find solace in
Hoppes’ (2014) words:

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On Becoming
Autoethnography is a kind of meditation that teaches us to sit comfortably with
questions that have no answers and to meet ourselves with kindness and
understanding, even when we are hurting, anxious, or afraid. Autoethnographers
are invited to meet and accept their lives in all of their messiness, joy, and sorrow.
(p. 70)
As I walked this autoethnographical journey and I found myself in the future, in the
past, and in the present all within moments, seemingly the same moment, time converged,
looping back on itself. My language in this thesis may at times reflect this. I am at once
writing an autoethnography and living one, which ties deeply to the past, grounded in the
present, with great hope for the future. This iterative process is what autoethnography is
all about, we are not static people; we are ever evolving and growing, changing, morphing,
going backward and forward, regressing and progressing, ascending and descending. The
interplay of light and dark, playing in shadows, being attentive to my shadow, this is what
autoethnography is for me. All of my experience and my hoped for experience, informs my
now, and my job, my task and challenge in this journey, in this thesis, is to be in it, to live it,
reflect on it within myself but then to somehow reflect it outwards as well, to share it and
to connect with others through it. I offer myself to others in the hopes that they will reach
back over the seeming chasm and reciprocate, to inform my understanding of myself and
my experience, to connect with me and in knowing me, see themselves. I dream that the
reader will relate, resonate with something, and express our interconnectedness, our
oneness; individual and separate, yet communal and together. My hope is that in
articulating my healing journey, there would be an explosion of recognition within myself,

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On Becoming
that I would become very at home and accepting of who I am, that I would see myself, and
at the same time, at minimum, that a spark of knowing would occur in the other,
something, some flicker of recognition, that would alter and enhance their own knowing of
themselves.
One of the features of autoethnography that distinguishes it from other forms of
writing of self, such as autobiography, is that the researcher intentionally focuses on culture
and the interactions, and implications of culture on the researched (self) (Chang, 2008).
Autoethnography is a reciprocal process of “experiencing and examining a vulnerable self
and observing and revealing the broader context of that experience.” (Ellis, 2007, p. 14).
Culture in one’s life has multiple layers; it is “complex and multi-dimensional… a web of self
and others” (Chang, 2008). Culture can include: family culture, the culture of different
friend groups, work culture, school culture, societal culture, and spiritual or religious
culture, but culture is not just ‘out there’. Culture is also ‘in here’. Chang (2008) articulates
a non-dual view of culture that embraces the collective and group nature of culture and also
the notion that culture is an individual and not solely a collective phenomenon, that
“individuals are cultural agents….are not prisoners of culture” (p. 21). I have been attentive
to this interplay, what I consider my culture as it relates to these various layers of external
culture and what that means for me, some of this is implicitly shown and some explicitly
stated.
Not the least of the questions that nag at my subconscious, briefly making an
appearance here and there on the landscape of my mind, is: am I a self-indulgent narcissist
or a self-reflective and vulnerable (courageous) life-long learner in search of wholeness?

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On Becoming
(Holman Jones, Adams, & Ellis, 2013; Pathak, 2010; Winkler, 2018). The answer might be
‘yes’ to both but I’ll leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide for yourself. I can only be
where I am at any given moment and I believe this thesis reveals much about where I have
been, where I ended up in the end while giving some clues of where I may venture in the
future.
Evocative autoethnography. As I wrote this thesis I felt caught between the realm of
the objective and the subjective, art and science, research and personal narrative. As I
wrestled inside feeling that I had put too much of myself onto the page and should be
utilizing more of others’ research, I opened Evocative Autoethnography (Bochner & Ellis,
2016). There I found the liminality I was feeling; that a focus on writing in a purely social
science perspective misses the in-betweenness that evocative autoethnography occupies as
method; art and science, thinking and feeling, others’ research and writing, and my story. I
cannot remove myself from it and interact in pure objectivity, I am a “vulnerable observer”
(Bochner & Ellis, 2016, p. 66); I am in it. Evocative autoethnography is vulnerable and
intimate; it is an invitation to be known. The reader participates in this dance by their
response, whatever that happens to be.
My mind returns to my MBA thesis and my grandfather’s response after he read it.
He said (in essence), “I have no idea what this means, no idea what you are talking about.”
My grandfather obtained two Masters and a Doctorate in his lifetime; it was the
quantitative jargon that was the barrier. Therein lies one of the major drawbacks of
quantitative inquiry, it can have the effect of separating people rather than bringing them
together. Not so with qualitative inquiry, not so with autoethnography, and especially not

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On Becoming
so with evocative autoethnography. My great hope is that the reader will have a very
different reaction to this thesis, that evocative autoethnography will bridge the space
between, and though my grandfather won’t be able to read it and give me his feedback, I
believe if he could, he would connect to my heart this time.
Ethical Concerns
Though autoethnography is primarily about self, our lives, my life, is inexorably
linked with others, their world affects my world and vice-versa. Ellis (2007) speaks of three
kinds of ethics: procedural ethics, situational ethics, and relational ethics. Procedural ethics
is concerned with how to structure research at the start in order to ensure ethical
processes, such as confidentiality, informed consent, privacy concerns, and protecting
participants from harm. Situational ethics are the ethical considerations that arise in the
course of research, those decisions that must be made on the fly, in the field, for the best of
the people included in the research. Relational ethics pertains to the dynamics of
relationship between the researcher and researched, and how relationships and people are
depicted in our research.
An autoethnography is an interesting method as the researcher is the researched
and attention must be paid to how one speaks of oneself for certain, but in addition,
autoethnography is also about culture and culture is situated in community. This means
that there are many relational connections with “intimate others” (Ellis, 2007, p. 4) that
must also be given serious attention; therefore relational ethics are incredibly pertinent. In
considering relational ethics, it is important to deeply ponder how to speak about and

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On Becoming
represent those who I am in relationship with and would like to include in my research (Ellis
et al., 2008).
How does one balance protection, care, and love for intimate others with the
vulnerability and authenticity that is part of an autoethnography? The answer, I think, is:
carefully; an embracing of paradox that is imperative for any good counsellor. I have, as
much as possible, obscured the identity of those I include in my research by using general
descriptions or roles rather than names, using composites, and by speaking indirectly. I
have attempted to protect myself, and thereby those I love, by only sharing what I feel I am
able and in a way that limits exposure. I have attempted to take differing perspectives, to
consider how those who will show up in this thesis might feel and react to their inclusion.
Some key traumatic events as well as discussion, expression, and communication of some of
my closest relationships, have not been discussed or have been articulated creatively and in
this I hope to convey the emotions without explicitly languaging anything too revealing.
Mainly, I have tried to speak my truth in a way that puts me in the place of
responsibility. I have “interrogated” my own role and the motives I have for both the
inclusion (Bochner & Ellis, 2016, p. 150) and exclusion of particular parts, as well as how to
include something I felt was necessary. My intent has been not to blame or rail (Ellis, 2007)
but to inquire and discover my own journey as I looked back, all the while protecting and
caring for those to whom I am in close relationship. At the end of the day, I need to be able
to live with myself and those I love; I need to feel comfortable with my ethical decisions,
however uncertain and messy to sort out, and to stand by what I have presented (Bochner
& Ellis, 2016). This is a task I have taken very seriously. What I have found is that I write

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On Becoming
very little in this thesis about my most intimate relationships, perhaps that is my way of
keeping these close relationships private, sacred. Still, I believe that what is presented is
authentic and vulnerable and true.
Research Process
How does one plan a becoming? I’m not sure it is possible to plan one, but I have
found that I can be open to what comes up, to be intentional about my own healing, and to
deeply desire to learn and grow. I can create optimal conditions, like taking a seed and
combining it with earth and moisture and then exposing it all to sunlight. I can’t make the
seed sprout but I can create some conditions that would make it possible for that seed to
become all the things that are in it already to become. When self is the seed, then the
optimal ingredients include self-observation, self-reflection, and self-analysis (Chang, 2008).
That has been my research process in a nutshell, to attempt to create optimal conditions
from which my own personal growth can occur, to become what I have the potential in me
to become.
My research process included capturing some of what happened over the period of
time that I was in the program. I attempted to be self-aware throughout this process of
data gathering and did my best to chronicle, in one way or another, what was going on for
me so that I could process it not just in the moment but later as I reflected on it and worked
through the data analysis portion of the thesis. The data gathering included the capturing
of thoughts, feelings, experiences in the form of journals (Ellis, 1999) and various other
creations over the course of the program. It included memories of the past and hopes for

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the future, so that past, present and future were interweaving and playing off of each other
creating a non-linear process; one that I hope has provided a rich account (Chang, 2008).
I have been periodically journaling since the start of the program in September of
2016 but in April 2017 I started in earnest to be more intentional at capturing aspects of my
journey. I started several different journals that each focus on a key element of my growth.
They include, among others: one for personal reflections, two for practicum (one for client
sessions and another for supervision), one for spiritual development, and one that tracks
significant dreams. I have continued to document, analyze, and reflect, expressing my
feelings, thoughts, intuitions, and experiences across the pages of these journals right
through the whole process.
As we are highly encouraged in the program to seek out our own therapy, I attended
personal counseling and spiritual direction sessions and recorded these experiences as well.
Though Ronnestad and Skovholt (2003) found personal therapy ranked third in importance
as a catalyst for growth amongst therapists of all experience levels, I found the experience
of being the client very informative for me both personally and professionally at these
crucial developmental stages. According to Prosek and Hurt (2014), a counseling student
with few practicum hours, in their first year of study is a novice counsellor trainee, whereas
an advanced counsellor trainee has at least a hundred practicum hours. This thesis tracks
my progression from a novice counsellor trainee to an advanced counsellor trainee and the
development of a counsellor professional identity along the way. It also implicitly highlights
the congruence of my personal and professional identities. The research process is primarily
meant to capture experience, emotion, thought, action, belief, and change as it relates to

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my own view and experience of self. I have been keenly interested to see how my
relationship with myself, others, and God has been impacted and how my worldview has
changed through this process.
The data includes my reflexive journals and creative works but also includes dreams,
prayers, scripture, and other aspects of my relationship with God, as well as other forms of
data that were relevant and informed this journey of becoming. The research process was
very much a dialogue with self, and an interplay between self, others, and God. It was an
opportunity to experiment with creativity and play, and the data collected was an ongoing
conversation and unveiling of a person continually in process. It represents snapshots in
time, it is not all; how could it possibly be, but hopefully, it is enough.
Data Analysis
Chang (2008) provides some strategies for the analysis of data which include:
looking for recurring patterns and themes including cultural themes, connecting the present
with the past, spotting exceptional occurrences, and analyzing relationship with self and
others. Following this advice, I took everything that I had written, created, produced, and
experienced over the period that I was in the program and then read, coded, organized, and
themed the data.
Specifically, I took all of my google docs and downloaded them to Word then I
printed them all after putting page numbers and a header with the Journal title in each
document. I realized after I printed them all that I really should have narrowed the margins
to give myself more room for coding. There were over 220 pages of data, just from the
journal entries.

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On Becoming
I gathered coloured pens, pencils and highlighters; read up a bit on qualitative
inquiry and coding to refresh my memory and to find some sort of path. None appeared, so
I just dug in. I wondered about starting chronologically and reading along while eclectically
coding as I went, which is pretty much what I did. This process was inductive and
ambiguous. I decided to get a sense of the chronology of each journal so I arranged them
all by rough chronology so I could see which journals were relevant for which time period.
Turns out I had 22 different journals ranging in length from 1 page to 93 pages. I see that I
started journals when I felt a particular topic or process (such as practicum) deserved its
own focus. In actuality, it seems that I put a lot into the main personal journal but the other
ones helped fill in some gaps. As I proceeded with data analysis, I also tried to capture my
process as well as reactions; to reflect on what I was doing as I was doing it.
In my view, the data also included my perception of transformation or change as well
as the ability to recognize it in the data. These informed each other. Some stories or
experiences that I felt would be told, haven’t been, and some stories that weren’t even in
my mind, resurfaced from the recesses of my memory and tied themselves to a theme I saw
in the data. As I coded the data, I found many themes or threads as I like to call them.
These threads help to make up the tapestry of the experience and the real transformative
journey. I have taken these threads as they have presented themselves and I have woven
with them. I hope these stories, painstakingly woven together, will be interesting and
instructional for the reader.
I have continued to document and process my own reactions and interactions with
the data and within myself in order to create somewhat of a feedback loop, a recursive

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On Becoming
process that I believe has provided a deeper and more personally relevant experience than
simply taking data and looking at it. I have continued to reflect and record my reflections as
I work through the analysis as this is all part of the work, grist for the mill as Yalom (2002)
would say. I have also continued to express my interaction with the data through creative
works of various kinds, some of which have been included.
Evaluation of the Study
Qualitative research has long been the target of concerns as to the reliability and
validity of this type of inquiry (Cho & Trent, 2006). Of course, these terms arise from a
quantitative paradigm in which objectivity and lack of bias are seen as imperative.
Qualitative research must be measured by different means than quantitative research, since
they are qualitatively different. In qualitative research, especially autoethnographic
research, bias is expected and subjectivity is embraced (Ellis, 1999). It is understood that an
individual perspective gives important and relevant information to inform a subject of
research and by our very nature, we can only see part of the picture, we have a particular
perspective and it is valuable; it is not all, not whole, it is partial and that is important (Ellis,
1999; Frankl, 1959/2006).
Forber-Pratt (2015) suggests a few ways to evaluate autoethnography in the form of
questions, such as: does it make sense to me?; does it make sense to someone who knows
me well?; does it make sense to someone who doesn’t know me well?; and does it make
sense to an academic? I appreciate these questions and it seems valid to evaluate my
autoethnography utilizing them. Additionally, Ellis (1999) posits verisimilitude, the

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believability of the writing or story put forth by the researcher as a substitute marker of
validity. Chang (2011) aims for a “credible and evocative” account (p. 409).
In considering these perspectives then, first and foremost, this thesis must make
sense to me, it must say what I am trying to convey and be true to my experience and
perspective. Next, it must make sense to someone close to me, such as my husband or a
friend. Some additional questions that might be tied to that viewpoint are: does it sound
like me, congruent with who you know me to be?; does it ring true from what you know of
me?; and do you recognize my truth contained within? The other two questions are covered
within my committee and so I will look to them to tell me if it makes sense to them as some
on the committee don’t know me well and yet all I consider to be academics.
Additionally, reflexivity is an essential characteristic of reliable and valid qualitative
research (as well as a good counsellor) and it requires the reflection by the researcher on
their own behaviours, thoughts, attitudes, emotions, assumptions, culture, and even their
unconscious (Darawsheh, 2014; Jones, Adams, & Ellis, 2013). Pitard (2017) provides a
wonderful observation when she shares from her own autoethnographical experience that
it, “requires for the researcher to take the time to be still, to listen to the internal dialogue
and to probe for reactions that are stirred by experience with the data.” (p. 17).
Transformational validity is a method discussed in the literature, that relies upon the
reflexivity of the researcher and the ways in which participant’s consciousness is increased
and is liberated and empowered by the research for positive change (Cho & Trent, 2006).
This will be an important aspect of valuation for me, the question being: has
transformation taken place? In the end, the result of this thesis must be relevant not only

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On Becoming
to me within my various cultural contexts but also to others within theirs. Transformation
should be recognizable.
In that vein, considering my spiritual culture, the way I tend to evaluate positive
change in my life is by observing how much I feel I have grown, as well as my felt sense in
two areas: increasing measures of freedom and evidence of the fruit of the Spirit. I look for
the work of God in my life by these two core Christian concepts for me. One is based on 2
Corinthians 3:17 (New International Version) which reads, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and
where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom”. For me, this means that when I am in
touch with the Spirit, the evidence of the work of God in my life will be increasing measures
of freedom which translates into interior freedom. I look for the marker of internal
expansiveness and liberty to know that change and growth has occurred. I look for areas
where I feel newly found interior freedom, where before I felt trapped, wounded,
constricted, or helpless. The other is based on Galatians 5:22-23 (New International
Version), “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, goodness, kindness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” For this area,
I look to see if I can detect increasing measure of any of these fruit in my life. Increasing in
these qualities is a sign to me that the Spirit is at work and that I am in cooperation with
that work. I may still have a lot of areas that are not showing these qualities, areas of
stuckness, so I don’t ever look for perfection, this is impossible, but I look for movement, I
look for positive growth and change. These will be important personal culturally and
spiritually relevant growth markers and signs of transformation.

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On Becoming
My becoming, my grounding in my identity and therefore my counsellor identity
must be integrous, authentic, culturally relevant, and transformational for me and by
extension, those I serve.
Summary
Much of this thesis contains the written word but also, as Kovach (2010) puts it, I
have welcomed “the entrance of visual, symbolic, and metaphorical representations of a
research design that mitigates the linearity of words alone” (p. 41). There are many
different ways to tell a story (Ellis et al., 2008). I have played with form and content to find
ways to express myself, some of which has been familiar and others brand new to me.
This thesis follows the progression of my development as a counsellor which has
included personal development, professional development, and spiritual development, and
has propelled me along the path of healing. The focus on becoming has caused my route to
be more intentional and the method of autoethnography has both informed my maturation
and brought the process to the fore. This thesis is meant to add to the qualitative body of
knowledge of counsellor development for the individual as well as the integration of
spirituality and religion in that process.
This thesis journey has contained creativity of many sorts: attempts at play and
creative expression, knowledge creation, experiential learning, writing, and ultimately, I
would say, becoming… the ultimate creative act. I have set out to tell stories of my life
imbedded in layers of culture, but as Jung (1961/1989) so brilliantly stated, “I can only “tell
stories”. Whether or not the stories are “true” is not my problem. The only question is
whether what I tell is my fable, my truth.” (pg. 3).

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On Becoming

Figure 1. Inner Exploration

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On Becoming

50
Chapter 4: Gestation

I am well into this process when I realize that I am trying to protect the reader. I
want this to make sense to you so I try to explain too much. Maybe in that I am also trying
to protect myself, wanting so much to be understood yet hoping that I haven’t exposed too
much. I hope you can appreciate that I can’t be too overly concerned about you. I need to
tell my story, my way. I remind myself that I can’t rescue anyone or make them
understand; I must leave that entirely up to you, dear reader. “In order to be understood
by another person, it is necessary not only for the speaker to know how to speak but for the
listener to know how to listen” (Gurdjieff, 2012, p. 7).
This chapter contains snapshots, moments of a life; it isn’t necessarily linear or
logical, neat, tidy, or rational, chronological or sequential. Some of these snapshots might
be hard to appreciate if you engage only with your head. I ask you to engage with your
heart as well, try not to judge it, and just allow it to be; a wonderful stance for a counsellor.
I hope also that you find some internal resonance in these pages and a connection to me in
these stories; my eyes flit around tentatively seeking a returned gaze.
So it starts
As I sit with my ‘data’ stacked around me, pages and pages of journaling, the
thoughts, feelings, and dreams poured out over the past two years, I feel overwhelmed.
What do I do with all this? How do I take it, all of this experience, and shape it into
something meaningful for the reader? I turn to Christie’s autoethnography (Wittig, 2013)
and feel better instantly, thankful that someone has gone ahead of me. Just start Sage, just
start.

On Becoming
Weeks later I continue to struggle. I read through, coding and theming, and then get
caught up in a memory, a particular part of the journey, something specific that happened,
and I write about it. After a while I stop and get back to the data and continue on but I am
seeing that there are significant gaps in the data. I remember realizing as I went through
that I didn’t write when I was in the most pain. Those very painful times along the way are
not the times that journaling helps or at least they aren’t the times I turn to journaling as a
resource to assuage my pain. For those times I need to rely on my memory and on my
embodied experience to remind me. I still wonder how to do this.

Figure 2. A Start

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On Becoming
What If….
The first portion of writing chronologically is a piece I called Surrender. I don’t recall
writing it but it is prescient. It is from June 2016 and serves as a prelude to my educational
journey which started in September of that year. It is a foreshadowing of what is to come
as well as a clear description of where I was at, at that time. As I read it, waves of chills
sweep over me. I realize that it is a description of the journey I have taken. It lays out some
of the important threads that the Master Weaver has been weaving with over the past two
years (and more): mystery (unknowing), surrender, faith, brokenness (healing), and
detachment. I started the journey with a prayer of surrender, knowing that I was stepping
into a major transitional period but having no idea what it would actually look like. Only
knowing that it was necessary and that I had a subtle inkling that God was trustworthy and
would lead; one step at a time. The slow work of surrender – it can’t be rushed and it can’t
be done according to somebody else’s timeline.
Surrender, June 2016
What if God is good? What if God knows what I need far better than I do? What if
He doesn’t want a life of unfulfillment and drudgery for me? What if He has
wonderful adventures for me wrapped in unlikely packages? What if I can trust Him?
Surrender is a hard concept in our society that honours the ‘self-made man’ (person)
but it is a foundational tenet of my faith. I continue:
Surrender, June 2016
God uses everything. He uses the things he has taught me in the past to move me
through the current wall. I feel stuck. It is an overwhelming feeling of stuckness and
uncertainty about what I am to do and where exactly this is leading me. It is season
of major transition and I can't see the path ahead. I must trust in the goodness of my
God. There is doubt and uncertainty but God is good and his mercy endures forever.

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Beginnings & endings
I walk into my very first class, Group Counselling, and all the chairs are arranged in a
circle. Some of the seats are already filled with fellow classmates. I pick a chair, have a
seat, put down my stuff, and slowly look about at the faces of those around me, smiling
tentatively when I make eye contact with someone. I feel awkward and unsure; nervous,
excited, and a bit overwhelmed; my stomach is churning. After what feels like an eternity,
our prof comes in and has a seat. This class we will be learning about group counselling by
being in a group, he explains. I love the idea, immersive education, learning by doing,
sounds amazing to me… and also terrifying! At some point in the warm-up, he says
something about someone being an accountant. I think he is talking about me but I say
nothing. I find myself checking out, disassociating, off who knows where, and then coming
back into the room. I’m self-conscious, wondering if he feels I shouldn’t be here, if he has
already made up his mind that I don’t fit and that he doesn’t like me.
The accountant. The problem is the title of accountant doesn’t fit me. I never
wanted to be an accountant. I went through the CMA program, purposely choosing the
option that had the least to do with actual accounting, the one that focused on strategy and
management, solving business problems; the fun stuff. It was a legitimacy move, I
recognized later; the last great hurrah of my 30’s desperately trying to get somewhere, to
be someone, through all the wrong means. I graduated in 2012, the year I turned 40, just
before my hysterectomy, seems fitting somehow.

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Personal journal, April 11, 2017:
I never wanted to be an accountant and I don’t feel like an accountant plus I don’t
actually want anyone to identify me as an accountant. Counsellor feels like an
identity that can fit me and fit me well. Accountant never fit. This becoming is
hard…

In the summer of 2017, mid-practicum, I hadn’t paid my designation fees yet
because they are pretty expensive and I wasn’t working as I was doing a full-time practicum
along with full-time school. I was unsure how I was going to afford them and whether I
really wanted to. As if to penalize my indecision, they added an additional late fee onto my
already unpayable bill and then I was really in a pickle. I called to enquire what I could do;
they suggested applying for a reduction of fees since I was in school, so I did. It was
approved but they wouldn’t budge on the late fee citing that “it wouldn’t be fair to
everyone else”. “Oh brother”, I thought with a pretty fierce eye-roll, “how do they possibly
judge one situation to another to determine ‘fairness’”? The short answer is: they don’t.
It’s a rigid rule that means nothing. I didn’t pay and then they continued to nag me to send
back my designation certificate; I finally did. I am no longer an accountant… not that I ever
really was.

Personal Journal, July 9, 2017
I am giving up my CPA designation. It’s time to give it up. I never wanted to be an
accountant anyway. I know that taking that program, though I really enjoyed it, was
a legitimacy play, for sure, no doubt about it. I never wanted to be an accountant, I
am not an accountant. I always cringed a bit when people referred to me that way
because it never had internal resonance with me. I guess it’s time to let go of the
old, the ill-fitting and the stuff I will never wear again. Still, I find it hard to let go of.
I’m not sure why.

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On Becoming
Order & chaos
I’m not a particularly neat or organized person, another solid reason for not being an
accountant, but I do love bringing order out of chaos. I learned this about myself in the
context of work. I found that I loved going into a place with dysfunction and disorder and
bringing peace to it; getting it organized and working, flowing again. Kind of like a river
blocked up and stagnating, then clearing away the debris and seeing life flow again. This, I
love. Now, hire me to sit and make sure that river stays flowing and I have no interest. I’m
not good at maintenance; routine kills me. It’s a death knell. Which is why if you come to
any place I live you will not find it impeccably spotless, maybe not even tidy (if I didn’t know
you were coming), because how boring. Life is messy. I’ve learned to accept that but it need
not be chaotic. That is a different thing altogether.

Process Journal, October 17, 2017
I am reminded that God has used me numerous times in my life to bring order from
chaos, to set up systems, to bring things back into a usable process for people and
then once it gets to maintenance mode, I lose interest. I like to take all the random,
chaotic pieces and get the system in place, organize it, bring peace to it and then
hand it off for someone else to manage and refine.

I had the privilege of being with my sister in labour for two of her children. After the
birth of her first she commented on the peace I carried in the room. This added to my
knowledge of myself. A carrier of peace, ah, I like that. To me this is a gift from God; pretty
cool and goes with bringing chaos into order. It surprised me because my nephew was born
4 days before I turned 40. My grandfather had passed away, after a somewhat rapid
decline due to Alzheimer’s, only a few weeks prior. My aunt, my mom, and I sat with him

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bedside for hours upon hours in the days leading up to his death. I was really hurting inside
at that time and felt a lot of internal chaos but somehow I was able to bring peace
externally.
Growing up, life often felt chaotic. My mom and adoptive dad had a tumultuous
relationship. My mom put up with a lot. She grew up in the home of an alcoholic and had
me just before she turned 19. I was an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy; she wasn’t at all
convinced that she was going to keep me. I was born on a cold day in February in a hospital
known for pressuring girls into giving up their babies. They whisked me away before my
mom even saw me and put the boob binder on her - how archaic. At some point she
decided she had to see me, and once she did she couldn’t give me up. This is the story I
have heard over the years. I have only recently really taken it in and started to believe it. As
I was growing up, my mom would call me her rock. I supported her, helped her, was there
for her; I brought her peace. There was plenty of chaos. It became my way, to be an all but
invisible force attempting to bring calm; a pretty big load for a kid.
Fast forward to family counselling class and we have been arranged in families, and
given counselling scenarios to practice with each other. Groups are having fun being the
family, diving into their roles with gusto, fighting, arguing; leaving the group acting as
counsellors to sort out what on earth to do with them. Since we had multiple people in a
group, we would take turns being the counsellor. One day, we were counselling a mom and
son along with the mom’s mother, the grandma. They were arguing, it was escalating, as I
sat back watching the mom and grandma arguing and fighting, I felt what it was to be that
kid, stuck in the middle, with two important women in his life, fighting over him and just

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wanting it to stop. When it was my turn to step in, I asked a question of the child about
what it was like for him to see mom and grandma fighting - suddenly things shifted. I felt it,
chaos had calmed ever so slightly; perspectives had reoriented. Amazing how even
roleplaying scenarios feel real, the chaos, the empathy, compassion, and care can all be
there. One of the people on my team commented on it, that I had stepped in and brought
some peace to the situation. It felt good. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they
will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9, NIV).

Figure 3. Order & Chaos

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On Becoming
Internal chaos. Although it isn’t a requirement of the program, we are encouraged
to find a counsellor and engage in the process of getting our own counselling. I dutifully
obeyed. I felt it was important for me to feel what it is to be a client, to experience different
counsellors’ styles and techniques, to learn more about counselling by being in counselling. I
might have also had a few things to work through.

Personal Journal, Feb 3, 2017
I had my counselling appointment yesterday and we talked a bit about congruence
and transparency, authenticity. That was interesting; then he challenged me to talk
personally in a bit of a roleplay around what I might say to a client and what they
might say back. Then he seemed to push me to give more than I was willing to or
even knew what to give. He asked me something and I answered very innocuously
and he said ‘what if I told you I was dissatisfied with the answer’. I found myself
recoiling, not sure what that meant, what he wanted, what he was expecting. I felt
simultaneously a pulling back as well as a sense of someone wanting me to jump
through hoops and also, at the same time, a need to push away from, a sense that I
didn’t care what was being asked of me. I felt very vulnerable and could feel the pain
welling up in me and I wanted to run away but I am too stubborn for that. I let
myself talk about it a bit and I cried. I was aware that it struck something deep
related to past trauma. I was in pain the rest of the day because of it, on the verge of
tears. I have learned to hold my emotion pretty well and to stay fairly straight faced
even when my eyes are swimming with tears. I am not sure what the pain is but it
exhausted me to walk around all day like that. I had a nap in the afternoon, shortly
after my session and then I went to bed shortly after getting home from my class. I
lay in bed holding this pain; it was a big ball of pain sitting on my upper chest. As I
held it and cried, it dissipated slightly but I can still feel the residue today. I don’t
know what to do with it.
I remember talking a lot about resistance in the first semester of the program. Now
being the client, I didn’t like that label. It seemed pretty judgy. Did my counsellor think I
was resistant? Probably.

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Resistance. Being in group was painful. I enjoyed the class itself but actually being
in group – ugh! It was painful in that it brought up a lot for me: frustration, annoyance,
boredom, anger, many, many unpleasant and what I deemed uncounsellor-like emotions.
But also painful in that I really wanted to dig in and see what would happen if we took it
seriously and yet there were those who clearly did not want to commit themselves to it.
Group Reflection Journal, Fall 2016
My goal of working on sharing my perspective especially when it might conflict with
someone else’s is in direct violation of our group norms. As a group we have
decided, implicitly, that we will not work and we cannot accommodate differing
perspectives. As long as the difference of viewpoint can be squelched, the group can
carry on talking about the lighter things and pass the time until group is done.

This is mainly what brought up the warring emotions. I found myself irritated by
those who would just talk on and on without saying anything, without exposing anything;
surface fluff filling the air with drivel. Please.could.you.just.stop.talking! Say something
real. I’m sure this is not how a counsellor should feel, or how one should think, and yet
here I am thinking it and feeling it and berating myself for it. Proving yet again how not
‘nice’ I truly am.
So, since its group, I decide to speak up and say something, to share my perspective.
This is far outside my comfort zone but if I want others to be real and genuinely enter the
process, I reasoned, then shouldn’t I as well? My face burns red and hot as I express what I
am thinking and especially how I am feeling. It is so uncomfortable I’d like the floor to
swallow me whole. It doesn’t. Instead I sit there and deal with the aftermath.

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On Becoming
Basics
Learning something new starts with the basics and builds from there.

Figure 4. Counsellor's Colour Wheel
Holding Space. My first practice with counselling was in our Interpersonal
Counselling class, counselling each other. I learned so much about myself through that
experience. I saw my judgment, how I hold myself apart from others, but also:
Interpersonal Self-Reflection, November 2016:
I knew that I was comfortable with silence but I learned that I love holding space for
others. There is a difference between silence and intentionally holding space. It feels
sacred to me to be with a person as they are processing something really hard, to be
fully present and giving them a space to do that. It feels like physically, emotionally
and spiritually creating a womb-like place of discovery.

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On Becoming

Figure 5. Holding Space
Empathy. It was in practice class that we first had the opportunity to find outside
clients, instead of classmates, to counsel. I found myself trying hard to just remember and
live the basics which I considered: presence, empathy, immediacy, and silence. It was
deeply impactful for me to practice counselling with a client and then to receive feedback
about our taped sessions, but I was also very challenged by the inner work that was a
necessary part of the process.

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Personal Journal, Feb 3, 2017
This becoming is hard work. It is challenging and frightening and exhilarating all at
once. I am exhausted much of the time from the constant state of churning going on
in my inner being. I had supervision on Wednesday with (my professor). She
indicated that I am perceptive… but that I need to soften my questions and use
empathic highlights more. She says I need to come forward a bit in session and take
some risks. I think I am ok with taking risks although I always feel a tension in that I
know I can’t really bring everything I think into the session and plunk it down
because it isn’t firstly about me, it is about the client and what serves the client. I do
need to try some things in order to learn though. I have been careful with my voice,
my voice has been silenced over the years and I have begun to reclaim it.
Our final assignment was an integration project to express what we had learned.
Personal Journal, April 5, 2017
I often think in terms of weaving, creating artwork by weaving threads together; I
follow threads – threads of thought, emotion, unction. In thinking through the
symbolism of weaving I thought of the warp and the weft, the yarns chosen, the
texture, the weight, the colours, so many options. I was in the shower this morning
and a line came to me: I am both the warp and the weaver. I got out of the shower
and started to write and what came was a poem. I don’t write poetry. I also did my
first weaving project today. Who am I? What else is inside wanting to get out?
The Warp
I am both the warp and the weaver
the structure, backbone
clients come
sit, talk, cry
then
they go
feedback, wonder, discovery
the weft begins to take its form
texture, colour, technique
weaving in and weaving out
day to day
embracing what comes
a sliver of time
changes me

On Becoming
Change. On March 31, 2017 I left a job that I had worked at for close to 10 years, an
institution I had been part of for many more than that. It was the longest job I have ever
had and I really enjoyed it, especially the last few years when some of the dysfunction had
begun to be worked through. It takes courage and hard work to face dysfunction and to do
something about it, and we had; the admin team, of which I was a part and the board, of
which I was also a part. It takes a lot of courage. I was to find out that counselling and
taking the inner journey also takes courage.
Practice
Starting my practicum was fun and exciting as well as extremely nerve wracking. I
felt like my head was full of practical techniques that I had no idea how to use and my heart
just wanted to connect with people. The anxiety and jumble of emotions over the first few
weeks was intense.
Practicum Journal, April 2017:
“To move from the known role of the lay helper to the unknown role of the
professional is a taxing task often acutely felt when the student is assigned the first
client” (Ronnestad & Stovholt, 2003, p. 12)
As I continue to work on my thesis proposal, I look ahead to this afternoon and my
practicum orientation. I am nervous. As I read this article the above quote jumps
out at me and I know this is where I will be shortly. Anxiety will threaten to take over
as I question whether I am really cut out for this. I am also excited and anticipate the
great deal of growth and learning that I will acquire over the next several months.

Practicum Journal, April 2017:
I had my first day yesterday! It went so fast. I looked through my client files, then I
started making phone calls. I was excited at first looking through the files and then I
had an ‘Oh Shit’ moment thinking about actually meeting with people and thought,
‘can I really do this’, ‘What if I suck?’

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On Becoming
The next day I had my first client.
Practicum Journal, April 2017:
I saw my first client!!!! What a sweet person… I found there were times in session
when I had no idea what to say but then reminded myself to stop working so hard
and I would ask the client to expand a bit more on something (they had) said. I tried
immediacy a few times which was ok.
I found myself thinking about my clients periodically throughout the day…. and night.

Practicum Journal, April 2017:
I was up in the night thinking about my clients. Tossing and turning thinking about
where to go with them, what we should focus on next time in our sessions.
Wondering what next week will bring in terms of clients. Should I book myself up
sooner than later, will I be overwhelmed?
Within a few days, I was feeling passionately about my connection to counselling.
Practicum Journal, April 2017:
I didn’t expect to feel this so early in the process but I feel like I was born for this, like
I could do it all day every day and not get bored with it. I wonder how my feelings
will change and grow over the next year. I feel like a counsellor. How will this
identity change and morph and flourish over the rest of my practicum and training? I
have found my passion, it kindles something in me that I have rarely felt in my life.
And then a client called to cancel….
Practicum Journal, May 2017:
Phew, feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I just had a client call to cancel (their)
appointment, or so I thought but then (they) said (something that) tipped me off to
the fact that (they weren’t) just cancelling (the) session but that (they) didn’t want to
come back at all. Something about (the phrasing they used) really hit me and
something in me panicked and I sort of froze, I couldn’t think or process what to say
next. So we just ended our call cordially but I would have really liked to process it
with (them). (The) phrase kept swirling in my head and the first thing I thought was
that somehow I had created an environment that was not friendly, or welcoming, or

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what (they) needed. It was my fault. I was to blame. A wave of shame and doubt
swept over me and I started to think back to our session. Did I do something, did I
miss something, was I cold or uncaring? How had I failed (them)?
Then the more rational part comes forward and a conversation ensues:
Head: “it’s ok if it wasn’t a fit, maybe (they weren’t) ready, maybe (they) need a
different kind of counsellor.”
Heart: “But what kind of counsellor do (they) need? Maybe I should be that kind of
counsellor, maybe that is what I need to learn.”
Critic: “You were probably cold and came across as uncaring. (They) need someone
who actually gives a shit and shows it. That isn’t you. What’s wrong with you?”
Heart: “I do care and I thought we connected. I was looking forward to working
with (them). It’s a separation that hurts even though we only met one time. There is
still an investment that I have made and it is disappointing not to see it through.”
Head: “Yes, but you can’t control people or make decisions for them. They get to
decide what is good for them and why and when and how. It may have had little to
do with you.”
Critic: “Right, how could it have had little to do with you? There are only two of you
in the room and the other person doesn’t want to get into a room with you again. It
clearly has something to do with you.”
Heart: “Maybe I suck at being empathic. Am I just bad at this? How can I do
better?”
Head: “(They) could have meant any number of things when (they) said that. It
could have been too intense for (them). It could have been too vulnerable.”
Critic: “Yah but (they) didn’t try and let you off the hook on the call. (They) didn’t
say it wasn’t you which (they) might of if it truly was just (them), if (they weren’t)
ready. (They) specifically referenced the environment.”
Heart: “Did I come across as judgy or cold?”
Head: “I think we better watch the tape again and see what we missed”
All: “Ok”

Resilience. Practicum held many ups and downs but throughout:
Practicum Journal, June 2017:
I love my clients. They are amazing, brilliant, resilient people.

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Silence & stillness
I sit here this morning looking out at the horizon, watching the sun rise, light
exploding, revealing colour and shape, the clouds moving wistfully across the sky. I am in
awe at creation. I have all these things in my heart to talk about but I don’t know how. I
don’t know what to include and what not to include. I don’t know how to convey the things
that are in me. This is a common obstacle for me. I feel a great deal, there is always a lot
going on inside, but an inability to express it. I turn my face, my heart, my mind, to God and
ask what the day holds. There is this pull to abort the process; to turn my attention to
something that will distract me from the discomfort of not knowing. There is always this
option in a session with a client as well. The discomfort, the ambiguity, can distract and I
can try to grab hold of something lesser in order to alleviate the building pressure to do
something, rather than just be. I see this now as I sit here, lose yourself in your phone,
watch a movie, read a book; distract yourself, do something, anything else, but just sit in
Presence and wait. But I am in a rare moment where I recognize the call to distraction for
what it is. This happens sometimes in session as well, a knowing that sitting in the
awkwardness, sometimes in complete silence, is all that is needed. I am reminded of the
meditation with which my spiritual director begins our sessions together, from Psalm 46:10:
Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know
Be still
Be

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Taking as much time as needed to pause and reflect, to center myself, to come back
to myself and to God, she says each line slowly asking me to repeat it when I am ready. I
spend some time here today, alone, yet never alone.
Elephants & apps
In August of 2017, I travelled with a group of friends to California for a women’s
conference. I faced some sobering truths about myself there. I went to the conference on
the heels of a very full year. I had started a complete career transition with the M.Ed in
Counselling program, taken 10 courses, worked part time, had a health scare, and made my
way through half of my full time practicum. As if that wasn’t quite enough, I had also left
my job of close to 10 years, sold our home of 19 years, and moved into a multi-generational
living arrangement with my mom, step-dad, and adult children – oh, and my dog died, all in
the previous six months. It was a lot and I was tired. I had a few weeks off and I needed a
rest. This was meant to be the start of it.
We drove from Prince George to Northern California across 3 days. I drove most of
the way because I prefer to drive. The first full day of the conference I was feeling tired and
sort of cynical; disconnected from everyone and everything, just kind of floating through the
morning. The conference was being held in a large convention centre where there was both
floor seating and stadium seating. We found some seats way at the top of the stadium
seating where there was room to spread out and even lie down.

Wonder Journal, August 3, 2017
(One of our friends) was having a hard time in the late morning so (two of the
women) left to minister to her taking my car. I felt trapped and stuck at lunch having
so much time and nowhere to be. (One of the women) had started in making

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personal comments towards me in the morning which also added to my funk and I
was really wrestling with my feelings of frustration and anger and victimness and
wondering why I am the one that doesn’t get to have space to be. Why can’t she just
let me be who I am without commenting constantly or portraying me in some weird,
distorted way to others. I find it really frustrating, cloistering! Then at lunch we
were walking around and she said she was going to the fountain because she didn’t
want to listen to my complaining or something like that. I have no idea what she
was talking about. I did not feel that I was complaining. By that point, I just needed
some time alone. I really needed to be apart from her and HER negativity and
painting me in a negative light constantly. I went and read and wrote for a while. I
had this pain in my chest and it was like all the stuff from the past year came
crashing down on me. I started to cry and cry and cry and kept on crying for the next
three hours. I lied on the floor feeling sorry for myself. Feeling alone among a crowd
of 2,000 women; feeling unseen and uncared for. Feeling that, of course, friends
would go and minister to (our other friend) but no one would be there for me.
I knew this place of pain well. I have been here before many times. I know the
terrain. Here was yet another layer. I remember feeling so exhausted and depleted, but
also so very tired of feeling this way for so long in my life. I wanted it to be gone. I needed
healing.

Wonder Journal, August 3, 2017
The hope and expectation I had in going to the conference was to get a revelation of
Jesus. I looked for this and wrestled with it each day but this day specifically, I was
seeking for healing in those deep parts of me that feel rejected and uncared for. I
thought at one point that I wanted Jesus to heal the wounds and then thought ‘no, it
isn’t even a wound, a wound would imply that there is something there in the first
place. This was a missing piece. Something I’ve never had and yet desperately
needed.’ As I was on the floor, God told me I was an elephant and he gave me the
impression of carrying a large load and having the capacity to carry a heavy load.
This didn’t seem to be the inspirational pick-me-up that I had hoped for. An
elephant God, really!?! What on earth does that even mean?

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Wonder Journal, August 3, 2017 (continued)
I kept crying periodically throughout the evening but also trying not to be a total
downer to others. I realized that my stomach was hard as a rock and hurting. (One
of my friends) asked me why my stomach was hurting. It kind of confirmed what I
thought, that no one had noticed that I was down for the count. She then asked how
my afternoon was. I didn’t know how to answer that. Then (another friend) asked
me if I was enjoying the conference. Again, feeling that those around me were
totally out of touch with what I was feeling, feeling unseen and unknown, I turned to
Jesus.
I was asking him to fill those places in me that so desperately needed connection. I
find that I dialogue with him a lot about people and how hurtful relationship is. It
seems especially for me, I don't know why, but it feels that others judge me, criticize
me or don’t see me. This is old, old, old and I was tired of it. I was tired of the need,
the unfulfilled need for connection, intimacy and relationship.
Wonder Journal, August 4, 2017
In the morning I talked with (a friend) a bit about how I’d been feeling and working
through and I shared that I feel that people don’t care about me. I shared the picture
of the elephant and she said, ‘didn’t someone share something about elephants
yesterday’?
It turned out another of our friends back home had shared an article on Facebook
the day before and I hadn’t seen it. It was one woman’s account of elephant behaviour and
how it related to her friends when she was going through depression (Hatmaker, 2018).
She tells this story:
A few months ago, I went down hard. I found myself at the absolute bottom, down
in the sludge and muck where not even a ray of light could crack through the
darkness. On a particularly awful day, my ride-or-die friend sent me a picture and a
story. It was about female elephants, you know, as all good stories begin. See, in the
wild, when a mama elephant is giving birth, all the other female elephants in the

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herd back around her in formation. They close ranks so the delivering mama cannot
even be seen in the middle. They stomp and kick up dirt and soil to throw attackers
off the scent and basically act like a pack of fierce bodyguards.
They surround the mama and incoming baby in protection, sending a clear signal to
predators that if they want to attack their friend while she is vulnerable, they’ll have
to get through forty tons of female aggression first. When the baby elephant is
delivered, the sister elephants do two things: they kick sand or dirt over the
newborn to protect its fragile skin from the sun, and then they all start trumpeting, a
female celebration of new life, of sisterhood, of something beautiful being born in a
harsh, wild world despite enemies and attackers and predators and odds.
She sent all this to me and said: We have you. You are never alone.

This story made me start crying all over again. THIS, I thought, this is what I want!
Why am I never the one in the middle being protected and cared for? Also, it felt terrifying
to recognize how needy I was; I hated it. But also, God sees me as an elephant! How cool is
that?!

Wonder Journal, August 4, 2017
Later in the day, I was dialoguing with God about my hurt with people. I got this
picture of God pouring liquid gold into all the crevices and hurty places….he was
filling up those places with his gold... those places are a goldmine. Those places of
hurt and pain are treasuretroves.

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Later, as I talked with friends a bit about my experience, they shared that this is a
Japanese technique called Kintsugi, to repair broken pottery by filling up those places with
lacquer mixed with gold powder. It is thought to honour each piece’s unique history by
emphasizing the fractures rather than hiding them. From this I took that God is healing me
but also that he views those places of hurt and pain, vulnerability and brokenness, with
tenderness and beauty, they aren’t meant to be hidden away. When I got home weeks
later, I continued to reflect:

Wonder Journal, August 28, 2017
Right now, I am in a space of feeling unseen and uncared for by others still. I know
on one hand this is a terrible trap that can take me down and yet on the other, I am
dialoguing with the Lord on it and trying to get some closure on it because I don’t
want it anymore. What starts going through my head when I am in this space are all
the times that I am not cared for, specifically those times where I see others being
seen and cared for so I know it happens, it just doesn’t happen to me. I feel like I
need to be strong. If I am vulnerable, I am judged or criticized or ignored or people
just freeze (which is a kind of ignoring) and don’t acknowledge what I’ve said or what
I feel….There are things I need to ask for. There are those who reach out and ask for
help and receive it. I don’t generally ask for help and so don’t generally receive it…..
I also don’t like to feel that I am so self-absorbed and needy and insecure and feeling
sorry for myself that I need everyone to stop what they are doing and focus on me.
That seems hugely unfair for me to ask, though I don’t at all feel that way when
others ask for help. I feel honoured that they have asked me, so why do I feel like
there is something wrong with me if I ask for help? Because I am still a commodity, I
am an app - I can help but I can’t ask for help.

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Feelings & Emotions
Jung told me that his work as a healer did not take wing, the metaphor is mine, until
he realized that the key to the human personality was its story. Every human being
at core, he held, had a unique story and no man could discover his greatest meaning
unless he lived and, as it were, grew his own story. Should he lose his story or fail to
live it, he lost his meaning, became disoriented, the collective fodder of tyrants and
despots and ended up, as so many did, alienated and out of their minds… (Van der
Post & Taylor, 1984, p. 138)
Fundamentally flawed. Over the course of the past two years, I have come face to
face with my sense of being fatally and fundamentally flawed… over and over again.
Personal Journal, Feb 3, 2017
I have found myself wondering why I approach the world as if I will be rejected and
disdained. I have always felt that I was just wrong, that my essence is wrong which
leads to feelings of not belonging, of being rejected and abandoned.
Personal Journal, Dec 3, 2017
Thinking about myself and my relationships and this fatally flawed feeling I walk
around with. I asked Jesus if this was something he could heal. It seemed like an odd
question but I had to ask it all the same. I got an impression and then a picture of a
foundation with a structural crack in it that rendered it unable to be built on. This is
how I feel. Is my foundation, the core of who I am so unsound that others cannot see
anything in me, don’t want to pursue me or care for me or be friends with me
because I am just that flawed. I am tired of feeling this way.
This is a sense that I have carried with me my whole life. I have worked on healing
this rift in the fabric of my being and I have found that healing happens in layers over time,
going ever deeper with each successive layer to heal different facets until it is (hopefully)
resolved.

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Figure 6. Layers

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Humiliation. Humiliation was a strong theme during the spring of 2017 as I dove
further to sort out this internal sense of being irrevocably flawed. I started to attend
counselling again in May, with a different counsellor, because I was taking Trauma and I
knew I would need some support; humiliation was a topic of discussion. As I look back I see
clues in a dream that I had in March, signs of my unconscious and the Spirit at work.

Dream Journal, March 11, 2017
…this girl got arrested. I witnessed the arrest and I was invested in her in some way
and I was mad at how the arrest went down. They arrested her in a sorority or
fraternity house and people were making fun of her. There was an element of
injustice as well in her being arrested at all but I was so mad at the whole situation.
As I walked out of the fraternity house ahead of her, there were a bunch of police
detectives (plain clothes) standing there clapping. I fingered them with both hands
and said ‘You guys are fucking idiots… all of you’ and walked on through them and
kept walking down the street.
I love this dream. As I read through my journals and connect this dream to what I
was processing a few months later, I see that this is a part of who I am; a fighter. I love this
part of myself, this part that hates injustice and will stick up for people. The part that warns
others not to dare mess with those I love. What I didn’t see until just now is that I could
also be one of those people that I love and stick up for.

The core experiences of psychological trauma are disempowerment and
disconnection from others. Recovery, therefore, is based up on the empowerment of
the survivor and the creation of new connections….The first principle of recovery is
the empowerment of the survivor. (Herman, 1992/2015, p. 133)

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These excerpts from my journal helped to fit the pieces together for me:
Personal Journal, June 2, 2017
I have been circling this emotion for a while, trying to sort out what the fear is… the
fear is actually a fear of humiliation. Humiliation is such an awful emotion, I will do
anything to steer clear of it. I will not speak, I will not go to certain functions, not
engage in conversation, not do a lot of things, to avoid the searing hot sting and pain
of humiliation. Humiliation says “You are an idiot, you don’t get it, you are wrong,
you are not acceptable”. Humiliation is dark and ugly and passes judgement on your
worth as a human being. Humiliation, even the word itself; long and drawn out, 5
syllables to reinforce the power that it has. As van der Kolk (2014) says “we all know
what happens when we feel humiliated: we put all our energy into protecting
ourselves, developing whatever survival strategies we can”. I developed survival
strategies because I felt that sting of humiliation many times growing up and I hated
it. It is awful! So, I learned to hide, and also to have a very tough exterior where it
seemed that nothing rattled me. If I could learn to befriend humiliation, I would have
much more freedom in life. How does one befriend humiliation?
Personal Counselling Sessions Journal, June 6, 2017
Had another session today; we talked about humiliation. She asked whether I had
taken on other people’s humiliation. I think I did. I think I have felt humiliated and
have taken on other people’s humiliation. I think I am afraid to speak sometimes
because I am both afraid of being humiliated and afraid to humiliate. I hate injustice
and I get angry at bullying and humiliating actions on the part of others attempting
to humiliate. She pointed out that the humiliation piece seems much deeper than
just mine. I seem to hold humiliation for others, even strangers. I feel the
embarrassment and humiliation for other people. I want to advocate for them. I
need to pay attention to what is mine and what is others. I can’t be a container for
other’s emotions. I need to put it down. I need to notice my own emotions and own
when they are mine and then figure out what to do with them and when they are
others, put them down somehow.

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Figure 7. Holder of Humiliation
Shame. I have carried shame my entire life. I seem to have been born with it, this
sense of being wrong, fundamentally flawed, like the essence of who I am is somehow not
right. This is a tough thing to shake, it is so ingrained, like yeast mixed through dough, how
does one go about extracting it again once it is mixed in?

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“Shame is a response to helplessness, the violation of bodily integrity, and the
indignity suffered in the eyes of another person.” (Herman, 1992/2015, p. 53). Shame is
truly insidious. It creeps in there, into the deepest recesses of our being, imbeds itself, and
is incredibly difficult to extricate. If I was left to my own devices, I would have lived with it
until the day I die, I’m sure - but I am not alone. A dream helped me to look shame squarely
in the face and feel the full force of its fury in my body.

Dream Journal, October 11, 2018
We were in this room with a bunch of people in a circle. This guy was facilitating and
he was going around and when he stood by you, you had to do some sort of physical
representation of how you felt, or how you were at that moment. He did a bunch of
other people and then came to this little lady who had been really quiet up until then
and she did this really exciting whooping and some physical dance to show it and
everyone whooped and hollered and cheered her on. Just before she went I
remember thinking about what I should do and I thought I would do an exciting,
running on the spot, like an exaggerated arms, legs thing where I whooped and after
this lady went I was like, ‘oh great, now it’s going to look like I copied her if I do it the
way I want’, even though what I had in my mind was not the same as hers, it just had
the same kind of excitement. So, I waited to see where the guy would go next
because there were a few people left to go and of course he came and stood by me.
Inside I was like, “ugh” but I went ahead and stood up and did what I was wanting to
do but I was so self-conscious about it all that the whole time I was thinking about
what people were thinking and what the lady was thinking and very cognizant that
they weren’t whooping and hollering for me and wondering how I end this thing and
it all felt so humiliating that mid-expression, I started to wake up and realize how my
deep sense of shame at who I am, and the expression of who I am, completely shut
down any outward expression of what was going on inside. I had wanted to express
this excitement and sort of in a tie in to like a Superstar (the movie) thing, but
couldn’t get it out the way I wanted and (I was) pretty sure nobody was going to care
anyway. This sense that nobody was engaged with me, felt deeply humiliating. In
fact I was sure they were dissing me in their minds. This whole thing happened over
seconds and because I came awake during it, it seems my unconscious, Holy Spirit
perhaps, wants me to see how deeply embedded this fear of humiliation is in me that

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it completely shuts down expressiveness, the outward expression of who I am or how
I am, or really anything about me before it can even be expressed fully. It is like I
start to put it out there and then I self-implode and turn back in on myself and
disappear.
This dream is one of the most visceral dreams I have had in my life. I felt the shame
and humiliation so strongly and in that one dream, I could see how I operate in the world,
the constant comparison, the exhausting hypervigilance, the falling short time and again.
For me, it was an invitation to wake up, literally, but also in life, to come awake to my own
ways that hold me back.

Figure 8. Shame

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Sticky wounds. I have grown in sitting with my emotions, in seeing them and
allowing them, recognizing them, and being curious about them rather than judging them,
pushing them aside or stuffing them inside. But I have had to learn not to be completely
absorbed in them as well.

Personal journal, May 7, 2018
Being ignored and invisible, not considered, is really a shitty feeling. I tried to notice
this and yet not take it in to myself but let it be and then pass again. That is hard
because it tries to attach to old wounds. That is interesting. Feelings are sticky.
They are attractive, they try to stick and are pulled to those areas of woundedness
that they relate to, making the wound fester rather than heal. It is food for the
festering wound, it prolongs it. The wound starved of food and properly tended will
eventually heal but the wound fed, only gets worse.
Retreat Journal, May 10, 2018
I never write in the midst of my pain, I probably should but I don’t. Yesterday did not
go as planned. I was feeling very insignificant and unseen. I felt ignored and
unimportant, like I didn’t matter. This felt very deep for me and familiar. I can often
go through my days and not get overwhelmed by it but some days it sweeps me
under and pulls me into its tide. It feels like a rip in the fabric of who I am and it is
always there. I don’t know what to do to affect any change. I do continue on, I do,
every day, it’s just that on those particular days, it knocks me to the ground and
wipes my feet from under me and I am dazed and in pain, overwhelmed by it.
Overwhelmed by the feeling of wrongness.
I recognized (my husband) as this big gift to me, my paradise. “I don’t want
to miss paradise”, (Penny, 2010/2017), me either Louise Penny. I want to recognize
the gifts in my life, my husband, my kids, my granddaughter, people who I love and
sometimes I am reasonably sure love me….
Then my thoughts turned this morning to how self-absorbed my way of
thinking was. It was so much based on responding to what I think other people are
thinking or feeling about me, rather than being towards them in a way that is loving
and caring, that shows they matter, belong and are important. What is that
saying?... ‘it’s hard to give what you don’t have’…. but perhaps not impossible.
Maybe, just maybe, I should start to turn towards people in a way that I want them

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to turn towards me and maybe in that I will see some change in me, some becoming
that is becoming.
Wounds seem to be magnets that pull from the environment the data they
need to self-exist, to continue to fester. So, for instance, this existential wound of I
don’t belong, I am on the outside, I don’t matter (likely more than one wound there),
something happens, I make a comment, share a story, a part of my experience, and
there is no response, no connection, resonance or acknowledgement - I feel ignored;
then someone else says something and there is this beautiful, heartfelt response and
I long, deeply long to be seen, to be wanted and connected to, to be heard, to know
that my experience matters, and I compare and am envious….and that then gets
sucked into the void of this wound chasm and becomes more proof and further
groundedness for the sense of being alone in the world, and on the outside, not
fitting, not belonging, something is missing, I will never know what, but I will be on
the outside forevermore…. and the wound, if not gets deeper, then perhaps is
exposed and oozes and gains a bit more power.

Belonging. Others fit, others belong; I do not. This seems to be an overarching
theme of my life. I see it everywhere and in most situations. I am ever on the lookout for
indications of my belongingness or lack thereof. Observing, seeking interactions to feel, to
know inside, not intellectually, that I am accepted and understood just as I am. The
problem is that what I mostly see is the evidence of my outsider-ness. It doesn’t matter if I
am with friends, family, or strangers, the internal sense of my lack of belonging, of not being
known, is palpable, it haunts me.
Personal Journal, November 14, 2018
I’ve noticed how I think through how someone is going to react before I say
something. I think to some extent this is wisdom but it is also this sensing and
neurocepting of the environment to see where the danger lurks. The danger is
rejection, ostracization from the group, it’s about survival. If I am made fun of, or
wrong, then maybe I will be shunned, and put out of community and then what? This
primitive need to be included and accepted was damaged way early on. I got the
message really clearly that I was not a part of the tribe, and so I am always on alert,
always in a type of hyper and yet hypo alertness, wanting to stay vigilant yet not

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wanting to be obtrusive and noticed, to hide so that I don’t draw attention to myself
but on the lookout for danger, nonetheless.
I see that I pull away. I recognize it as my way of protecting myself but it might also
be a test. A test to see if anyone will care, if anyone will seek me out, come find me, want
to engage with me. When I put out what I think, what I feel, what I am experiencing and get
corrections and admonishments, it creates a sense of disconnect. I feel unknown, unseen,
like I am being pushed aside, as if what I think and feel, the way I experience the world
doesn’t matter. There seems to always be someone ready to tell me how I should do it
differently, how I don’t fit, how I am wrong, how I need to improve and be better in order to
be acceptable.

Personal Journal, November 14, 2018
It seems that I am wrong no matter what I do. If I remain silent and listen, taking in
others, I am too silent, too distant, too arrogant. When I share then I am sharing too
much, being too self-revealing. If I learn, I am learning too much, trying to
understand, trying too hard. If I don’t, then I am unlearned, I should really do more.
If I feel and show emotion, it is too much, if I don’t, it is too little. If I have degrees, I
have too many of them, if I don’t, I am ignorant. If I show my feelings, frustration, I
am bitter, If I don’t, I am not human. Never do I feel just accepted as I am.
This lack of attunement affects me every day. Always looking outside myself for
resonance, for acceptance, and only ever getting it in tiny little droplets, so that I feel
like a parched desert traveller sucking the moisture from the leaf of any plant that is
happened upon, never enough, certainly not enough to satiate, to satisfy the craving,
the deep need for me. It seems dubious to look to people for this but how else does it
become healed? I look to God and that has healed much but don’t I also need to be
connected to others in authentic ways? Never enough and always too much….

I see my cognitive distortions. I see my drawing back, my fear; my looking for any
excuse to hide. At the same time I want so desperately to connect deeply with others.

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Then it occurs to me that I am abandoning others. I pull away and abandon other people
because of my sense of not belonging; this cycle of disconnection is one that I perpetuate. I
want to turn my back and brood. I want to be self-indulgent and lick my wounds, by myself,
all alone in the world. My way out may be to turn outward instead, the exact opposite of
what I want to do, and recognize that not everything is about me, probably very little is
about me. When I am in a healthy space I see this very clearly but as I sink into the
quagmire of self-doubt and self-pity, it pulls me under as quicksand. I forget what I have
learned. I forget that others probably don’t do and say things with purposeful intent to put
me down, to criticize me, and to condemn me, and even if they do, it isn’t about me, it’s
about them. Stay curious.
Abandonment.
Personal Counselling sessions journal, May 11, 2017
Started counselling again today… I went in ready to talk about empathy and my own
growth and need to express emotion to and with other people. I started crying pretty
much right out of the gate. It felt good to sit with the emotion with her. There was a
lot of fear coming up and I am not sure what it all is about but some of it is fear of
abandonment - that if I allow others to see my vulnerability, I will be abandoned, it
will be too much for them. This sense that I can’t burden others with my stuff. At one
point I was feeling really raw and crying and had this strong sensation that I needed
to bolt and get alone to process it. It is very difficult to process with other people… it
is very difficult to be with others when I am in an emotionally vulnerable state. Some
of it is also that sense that ‘emotion is manipulation’ - this lie came from somewhere.
I know (a family member) has expressed it to me. I remember being very emotional
in our early married years and crying, I would try to get alone but we lived in a studio
apartment so nowhere to go - I would go into the bathroom. I remember one time,
she said something that left me with the impression that being sad or crying was
manipulative.

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I find myself tempted, often without knowing it, to enter into others’ perspectives
and orient myself to another’s view, abandoning my own. In doing this, I have realized
through these past few years, I abandon myself. Taking on others’ perspectives, seeing the
world through another’s eyes (as much as I can imagine) can be a good thing; walking a mile
in another’s shoes, as it were. But, and it is a big but, if my own orientation shifts from
what is truly me, to become what someone else imagines me to be, rather than who I truly
am, I have ceased from my own path and lost my way.

Personal Counselling sessions journal, May 23, 2017
In my counselling session today, we got a little more clarity around the fear and
where the fear comes from. It comes somewhat from the fear of not being seen or
understood, of not being able to repair things or process things or resolve issues. I
like to resolve things, I have a need to feel understood. I just want my needs met.
Our needs sometimes involve other people and it is vulnerable to put our needs out
there for someone else because the risk is that they won’t meet the need but further
the risk is that the need itself will be ridiculed and my vulnerability will be turned
around as a weapon on me. I am afraid of ridicule. I realized this as I was heading
out to my car after our session. I am afraid of ridicule. I was ridiculed a lot growing
up. I think I learned to only put the safe things out there for others to judge. I don’t
talk about my faith much. It is so integral to who I am that putting that out there for
others to judge and ridicule is like putting myself out there to be mocked and
whipped and beaten. It’s like putting out an offering of myself - what if it is rejected?
What would it mean if it was rejected?
Personal journal, April 11, 2017:
I am realizing that I put my own thoughts and needs on the back burner in order to
take into consideration other people’s perspectives. I don’t step forward; I stay quiet,
hidden, in the background. I assume that putting my own thoughts and viewpoints
out there will not be met with acceptance and kindness. I expect judgment and
derision….

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84
Derision
being mocked
laughed at
ridiculed
the bulls eye of fear
sweet and bitter
vulnerable opportunities await
terror sets in
pulling back
she hides
never to be
seen
again

Personal journal continued, April 11, 2017:
… and so I put myself aside for others and while this can be noble, it is also selferasing. I cannot continue to obliterate myself. What I want matters, what I feel
matters, what I think matters and what I sense matters. My preferences matter, my
instinct matters, my passions matter.
I also realize that by doing this I present to other people a false front….. I feel
badly about presenting a false front. I feel disingenuous and I feel that I am not
being true to me. Ick. I don’t like this feeling. I feel kind of sick to my stomach.
Honesty is important to me and yet here I am being dishonest. I hate hypocrisy and
yet here I am being hypocritical. The three fingers pointed back at me accuse me,
and they are right, of course.
This issue of abandoning myself has been a strong theme throughout the past few
years. It showed up for me in class as we had discussions that I did not engage with wholly
because I had already sorted out what the reaction would be to my thoughts and so most
often remained silent. The challenge for me as I progressed on this autoethnographic
journey was not to lose myself and get sidetracked by what others might want to know, or
what others want me to answer but to give an honest and wholehearted account of parts of
my journey. This is a deeply emotional, fearful, and difficult thing; but it is a homecoming. I
am coming home to myself.

On Becoming
Self-acceptance. I had a dream on Valentine’s Day (2017) in which I had an autistic
son. I sing him a song of such sweetness, simplicity, intimacy, and love. As I look back on it,
having learned a bit more about dream interpretation from a Jungian perspective (Johnson,
1986), I realize that I need to ask which part of me is this son, this autistic child? This part of
me that feels incompetent and unlike those around me, not neurotypical, that wants only to
be attuned to, accepted, and loved for exactly who he is. Perhaps it represents the lost
masculine, the denied tenderness of the archetypal poet, the male romantic part (Hudson,
2016); a ballad of self-acceptance.
Dream Journal, February 14, 2017:
I gave him a hug and started to sing to him. I sang ‘I love you, I love you, I love
you...oh how I love you; I love you, I love you, I love you...oh how I love you’. And I
kept singing it to him over and over and he started humming and sort of singing it
back and we just sat there cuddling and singing. Then I woke up.
Ego
I am curious about a great many things, but mostly about us as human beings and
what makes us tick. I am into human thriving and transformation. Recently I have gotten
really into concepts attributed to Jung, learning about ego and shadow, persona, dream
interpretation, the collective unconscious. I took to it; something in it hit some deep places
in me.
As I walk through my day, I attempt to be self-aware. I observe myself and wonder
why I do what I do. I have always been like this but my awareness of self was much more
self-conscious and critical than curious in the past. An understanding of ego and shadow
has helped me.

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The ego wants to feel important so it bolsters itself with all manner of things to aid in
this task. It will reach for things that society or culture tells us are important, things that
make us feel important: money, fame, success, approval, position, power, knowledge,
possessions, to name a few; anything that helps puff itself up in self-importance. The
shadow contains all the stuff we can’t or don’t want to acknowledge about ourselves, the
repressed negative aspects of self but also the positive aspects, the gold (Johnson, 1991).
Sometimes it is those positive aspects of self that are the hardest to acknowledge and carry.
As I ponder the journey over the course of the past few years, I see a common
thread of letting go of old patterns and owning my shadow, the negative for sure but also
the positive, and the ways that keep me in ego, rather than Love.

Figure 9. Shadow

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Kenosis. One of the recurring ditches that I find myself falling into centres on two
thoughts, ‘what is wrong with me’ and ‘what is the point of me’. These thoughts can take
me down a gyre of despair. They lead me to think that everything is wrong with me and
there is no point or purpose for my existence. They have led me to think of suicide on many
occasions throughout my life. My first counsellor asked if I ever had thoughts of suicide
during the initial intake. I lied, said no. I thought it would be easier that way. Clients lie, it’s
true.
My thinking on this sense of despair, my feeling on it really, was revolutionized one
day last year when I was reading Healing the Soul Wound (Duran, 2006) for my Counselling
for Indigenous Peoples class. In it he talks of that sense in us as a need for transformation,
for something to die. We confuse it, as we do with many things, by making it a totality when
it is just a part of us. We replace the symbolic with the literal. There is something in us
crying out for transformation, death and resurrection; new life. I have since seen similar
language attributed to Jung. It strikes me that this is the way of Jesus. This is the mind of
Christ. Many would say that thoughts of suicide are a very unChristian thing, but they might
actually be very Christlike, if we only understood them as a call to kenosis, self-emptying; a
deeply spiritual matter.

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Figure 10. Kenosis
Defenses. I began to recognize my need to learn as a product of ego and a defense
against living; a way to not be present to myself or others. I feel God calling me to a fast.
Personal Journal, November 11, 2018:
I am starting my fast today. A fast from reading and learning. I will need to find my
way in this and feel what constitutes learning, this reaching for more understanding
rather than to sit in the unknowing. This unknowing is uncomfortable. Do I reach for
a book when I feel this sense of being uncomfortable or bored or unsure? Yes, I think I
do. It is an impulse, it is an imbedded, automatic response. The impulse to reach for
more understanding and knowledge, is so deeply entrenched. What will it take to

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shake it loose, to look for other ways of being, to just be. This week is a start; I have
already felt the inner quaking of how things have been.
my interior quakes
mineral embedded in rock
the dark feminine
bids me come
to be crushed
with lotus bowl in hand
she mops the blood from my brow
life from death
Jesus knocks
releasing treasure
So I write the above poem but it is unfinished, I can feel that. Inside I want it
completed, done, tidy, and finished. Yet it isn’t and that is ok. It feels like a bit of a
failure to be in process. Where is a good book I can hide my head and heart in, so
that I don’t have to face this?
Supervision
As I progressed through practicum and experienced the individual supervision
provided as well as the group clinical supervision, I discovered this place of starvation inside
that craved feedback. I needed to see myself through another’s eyes. I especially needed to
see the strengths, the good things that were noticed in me. The areas for improvement are
always helpful but the strengths are of great value. I found myself having to learn to take in
the positive, to really hold it, and not to gloss over it in favour of recalling my many defects.
This was a process that I see clearly began at my farewell party at work in March.

Personal Journal, March 31, 2017
I left my job today. The longest job I’ve ever had, 9 years; feels surreal. They had a
farewell party for me yesterday. Nice things were said. Some words that stand out:

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Wisdom, Strong, Respect. Many people spoke, many more did not and I found
myself on the drive home being teased to focus on the voices that didn’t speak up
rather than to savour those that did. I turned away from the voice of dissent and
derision and instead let the words of my colleagues sink in. The image that was
created by the words was someone who had wisdom to share, someone who thinks
deeply and who leads well yet mostly behind the scenes. Someone who only a few
really get the opportunity to work with closely and if you don’t, you may not realize
her worth. It was of someone I have hoped to be and sometimes catch glimpses of.
As I started practicum, I wanted to be able to hold the tension of things that need
improvement along with the positive aspects of my practice.

Practicum Supervision Journal, April 27, 2017
I had my first session of supervision. I enjoyed our conversation and he had some
nice things to say about my first session. I am really looking forward to this weekly
time so that I grow and learn about what I do well and what I can work on and to get
some feedback and ideas about what to do next. It is invaluable. The stuff to work
on of course is huge but I also think the affirmation of what I do well is going to be so
cool. I don’t usually take those things in easily and I certainly don’t regularly have
people telling me what my strengths are that they are actually witnessing and
perceiving, and I think this part of supervision might be the most important
component for me in the development of a counsellor identity. I think being able to
own my strengths and feel like they are me, a part of me and not apart from me is
going to be strengthening for my identity. I am learning to take in the positive. This
feels really healthy and freeing.
Feeling protective.
Practicum Supervision Journal, June 2017
I had talked with (my supervisor) about (my client) during my last supervision and I
remember feeling protective and a bit territorial about it, like I didn’t want to be
judged about this relationship, the therapy, what I was or was not doing. Maybe
because I am trying to figure it out myself and feeling a good connection and I didn’t
want someone else coming in to interfere.

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Practicum Supervision Journal, June 2017
I am thinking about supervision. I find it hard in ways. I like getting feedback but I
like getting specific feedback about what I am actually doing or not doing. I guess
what I want to hear is what I already recognize, maybe I am not open to seeing
things that other see. I’m not sure. I struggle with feeling misunderstood so when
someone tells me something about a session, first, they are walking into a
relationship and making judgments on a snippet and don’t know all the stuff leading
up to that so I have a hard time taking the criticism in. Second, it feels like no matter
what you do, the supervisor is needing to give some critique so sometimes it feels
generic or doesn’t feel like it fits. I’m not sure how to be open to the feedback but
still weigh it. I guess that is actually what I am doing - wrestling with it rather than
just accepting it or rejecting it. There are things that I am trying in session that I
wouldn’t do as a norm, such as being a bit more directive. I am trying things out. I
guess the best thing to do with feedback is to really be present and listen to it and
then take it away and weigh it out, see where it fits.
I tend to want to defend myself. Feeling perpetually misunderstood does that
to you, always feeling like someone doesn’t understand, needing to explain or
defend. I guess pride comes in there too because I don’t want to be misunderstood
and mislabeled so I want to defend or correct. I probably just come across as really
closed off and not accepting of feedback. I need to let go of my need to have
everyone understand me as I want to be understood. What if I just let that go and
allowed the impressions and perspectives to come. The issue is that I look too much
to other people to give me a sense of who I am or at least who the world thinks I am.
When I see or hear something that doesn’t line up with who I know myself to be,
then I feel misunderstood and it triggers all the shame stuff and loneliness and
feeling alone in the world but also like I don’t fit or belong because I am sure the
things that are wrong with me are disqualifiers for me in being accepted and cared
for. It’s a twisty place to live.

Embracing paradox
I had a breakthrough while in counselling, not sure my counsellor agreed that it was
a breakthrough but for me, it definitely was. It came about because of my fierce interior
wrestling with what I felt were my (first) counsellor’s negative views of me. I would leave
counselling often feeling pretty crappy, with all this internal turmoil going on. I’m kind of

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used to inner turmoil but this was the kind that made me wonder if I should go back,
whether I was unconditionally accepted by this counsellor and whether this was really going
to help me.
He was concerned if I stopped to think about my answer to one of his questions and
felt that I was trying to give the ‘correct’ answer for him. In my mind I was simply trying to
work through the internal ambivalence to answer truthfully, authentically. He felt I was
being inauthentic, I felt that I was trying to be authentic. Perhaps both were true.

Process Journal, May 8, 2017
I was thinking about my own experience with counselling. It was the first time I had
been to counselling and I went because we are told in the program that getting your
own counselling is important. I am thinking about the lasting effects of counselling what stays with a person afterwards, right after of course is interesting but what
about months after or years after? It has been a few months for me and what is
staying with me is a few metaphors that really hit home but also a sense that I
wasn’t able to be myself - that somehow who I was in certain aspects wasn’t
accepted. Specifically, I am thinking about how the counsellor pointed out that I
thought about my responses before giving them. He seemed to think there was
something wrong with that - that somehow I was formulating all my responses to
present them, and package them as he put it, a certain way. I can see his point and I
think it was good to discuss that but I also am struck by how important it is to say
things in a way to communicate well with others. To think about the words and the
timing and the tone, etc so that communication is clear and not muddled. Now, he
would say, just say it and then deal with it but that is putting the onus on someone
else to clarify our communication because we are too lazy to do it ourselves
beforehand. Regardless of how careful one is in their communication, there will be
misunderstandings and accepting this is important but to take the stance that we
should just let ‘er rip, to me is irresponsible and I told him that…
One day as I was processing things outside of session, I realized that I used this word
‘balance’ a lot; just need balance, gotta have balance. Then it struck me that it isn’t about

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balance, it’s about both-and, it is both at the very same time. It is not a bland blending of
two polarities, not a levelling that makes them equal but embracing both in whatever
measure they are at any given time. This was extraordinarily freeing!
This concept of both-and, embracing paradox, has stayed with me strongly over the
past two years and only grown. As I have learned more about the shadow, light & dark,
masculine & feminine, and many other seeming dichotomies, even liberal & conservative, it
is the embrace of both that frees. I’m not opposed to the use of the word balance by any
means but I needed to see that for me this word balance was neutering the honour and
wisdom that each perspective holds. Similar to compromise, it is bland and lifeless, whereas
both at the same time is energizing; it is exciting. It calls me higher to see something I
haven’t yet seen. A greater option lay ahead if only I can sit with the tension long enough
without trying to neutralize it or shortchange the process. And yet, this too contains
paradox, amid the energy is a deep peace.
I have been growing in this embracing of paradox over the past two years. It is a
revelation turned conviction that has deepened, becoming ever more important for me. As I
navigate my way in the world and see the polarities that exist within the various levels of
culture that I live within, this concept of ‘both at the same time’ has become a central part
of my worldview. It is a deep knowing; an ancient truth even.
So maybe my counsellor was right and I was too concerned with how he would
respond if I just said what I thought. Maybe I do this too much in life and I should allow
myself the space to speak, to voice my reactions, without so much filtering and editing.

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Unleash the jerk
I feel the need
to allow my inner dick
to come out
unmuzzle the asshole; release the bitch
the one that says it ‘like it is’
that doesn’t think
first then speak
who doesn’t edit and reject every thought and feeling
wakey, wakey,
come on out
you undesirables
you miscreants
wreak havoc on my life
roam the halls
and shake the rafters
stomp around unencumbered
be who you be
and let the chips fall
where
they may

And maybe it’s also good to think before you speak.

Paradoxical faith. I’m in this liminal space in my faith where I have more questions
than answers. It is uncomfortable but it seems right. This place of not knowing, of
unknowing many things I thought I knew. It is challenging, frightening, and incredibly
unsettling. I am not attending a church right now. Maybe for the first time in my adult life, I
have no home church. I am holding my beliefs lightly. There is a part of me that is sad, that

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is grieving. I don’t sit with this part long. I rush past it, this needy part, afraid of what might
come if I give it too much attention. Will I be swallowed in grief, will I lose my faith?
As I read Johnson (1991), on a flight from Kelowna to Vancouver shouting yes in my
spirit, I hear the whisper of the Spirit of God, ‘you don’t need to compromise in your faith
either’. It stops me. I sit with it and allow the thought plunked into my spirit to sink in to my
mind. I don’t know what it means practically but I know it’s true. I can sit in the tension of
Protestant and Catholic, Christian and any other belief system on earth, secular and
religious, the one and the many, unity and diversity.
I can seek the unity that comes in the embrace of a wholly other perspective and
know there is truth there for me. This I believe is what is sorely missing in our societal
culture at this time. I see a growing inability to sit with a completely different view than
one’s own and not try to change it, fix it, or most popular, label, diagnose, or pathologize it.
Far too many people are calling others names simply because that other thinks differently
than them. Even our own Prime Minister models this for us. We can’t sit with our
discomfort, our anger, our triggers; we externalize and attack others verbally instead, often
over social media. We say all kinds of things hiding behind our devices that we would never
say to someone’s face. What if that person we disagree with vehemently has legitimate
concerns, a perspective we haven’t considered; a way of seeing the world that might inform
our own? We want everyone else to change to suit us, we point out others failings, accuse
others of ‘making us feel’ a certain way, all to avoid our own inner selves. All this
externalizing and world class gymnastics to distract ourselves from what only we can do. I
am attempting to grow in holding the tension, as uncomfortable and unsettling as it is.

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Ceremony
I am well into this thesis and I feel stuck again. This feeling of stuckness is recurring
in my life. I think that’s pretty normal especially when undertaking a large project like a
thesis. This thesis being intimately connected with me and my experience makes me both
more likely to feel stuck and less, it seems to me. Less in that it is about me, so in some
ways, I expect it to flow out of me seamlessly. More in that it is about me and that is hard.
I continue to work through my stuff as I write.
I try to pay attention to the liminal spaces in my life, those in-between times
especially the hypnopompic and hypnagogic states, the times between sleeping and waking.
This morning while in this hypnopompic state, not yet fully awake, yet not asleep, a thought
culminated, perhaps just one word “sacred”. Spurred on by my recent reading of Big Magic
(Gilbert, 2015) where she talks about ideas, inspiration, and creativity as living entities, I
wondered if I was being very hospitable to my story.
As I sit writing this, trying to form into words the sense that is in my body, my heart,
my spirit, I am reminded of another hypnopompic state a few months ago while I was taking
Counselling for Indigenous Peoples. I was trying to work something out inside, it was
whirling and churning around in there, my mind, my emotions, trying to work something
out that I couldn’t put words too. This is a very normal state for me, I process, process,
process. It can be quite the feat for me to actually get out of my face hole in words what I
am sensing and feeling. I know by feeling, by intuition, and often words fail. There are
times when I am in this state that I feel a call to dream so I will take a nap and see what
comes. The language of dreaming, or the state of sleeping and shutting the mind off to

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allow the spirit to explore and seek truth, can bring amazing clarity. So I went to sleep and
as I was coming awake I heard a question, “What are your ceremonies?” It is a question
that I continue to ask myself.
Back to this morning, the culminating sense was that I needed to be hospitable to my
story, not just rush through, and not stay surface, but welcome it, bid it come, create a
sacred space for it to be told. I decided to put some ceremony in place. Part of the answer
to the question about my ceremonies, is spiritual practices that I engage in, one being
centering prayer. Centering prayer is simply opening oneself to God (Bourgeault, 2016).
You choose a quiet space either alone or with others. I quite enjoy solitude so generally I do
centering prayer alone, but it can also be done with others. The purpose of centering
prayer is simply being present; there is no trying, or doing. You close your eyes and just be,
in Presence. As thoughts, ideas, to do lists come, you simply acknowledge them and allow
them to go again. You are not ‘trying’ to empty your mind, you are simply allowing
whatever comes to come; welcome it and release it, and return to Presence; simple, and yet
so hard. This practice highlights all these impulses within me: the need to control, to do, to
perform, to produce, even to be seen. It shows me all the ways that I buy in to being a
commodity, rather than a human being. It is very grounding.
I have decided that my ceremony for writing will be to do centering prayer for 20
minutes, then light a candle, grab a coffee, invite (Holy) Spirit to be with me, and welcome
my story to be told, then sit and see what comes.

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Figure 11. Ceremony
Compassion
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my life, and really got finally, is
that everyone has their stuff - everyone! I have had such an inferiority complex all my life
that I was convinced that some other people simply did not have to deal with much in their
lives. How fortunate for them, I would sneer. I was envious of all those people with
seemingly perfect lives. I mean I knew they weren’t perfect, but really, might as well have
been, damn near close enough, I reasoned. I was sure that no one could really understand

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my struggles, so I hid them. I would never talk about the stuff I was thinking or feeling. No
one cared anyway, I would sulk inside myself.
One day not many years ago (yah, I can be a slow learner) I was driving to work and
talking to God about this. I was probably whining, feeling sorry for myself. I’ll never forget
it, at the corner of Hwy 97 and 10th Ave when this knowing just fell into my heart, that
everyone has their stuff. I started to think about the people that I had somehow made up
grand tales of perfect lives about, and realized that they too have insecurities, hardships,
addictions; some had troubled marriages, bratty kids, and crappy jobs. They had joy and
pain, triumphs and struggles, just like me. It wasn’t like a regular idea that comes and you
entertain for a minute and then it fades. This was a deep knowing, it was a revelation to
me, and it shifted some things internally. At once, with this realization, came a flood of
compassion. It’s tough to be compassionate while holding onto envy; compassion is a two
handed posture.
Addiction. I have what is sometimes referred to as an addictive personality. This
isn’t surprising growing up in the home of an alcoholic, with both parents carrying their own
generational trauma. Plus there was plenty of fresh trauma to contend with - not the least
of which was the death of my brother.

Personal session journal, May 16, 2017
I remember the feel of the cool water on my legs and the firm tug of the current as
we crossed over to the sand bar in the middle of the river that day, my 4 year old
body straining to keep upright. We arrive on the sandbar and begin to play. I don't
know how long we were there for but at some point I leaned over the water and said
‘Look how far I can reach’ then I turned around and you were gone. Mom says I went
into a ‘cone of silence’.

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I’ve talked about this elsewhere but this tendency to want to escape, to hide, to be
invisible, seemed inborn – perhaps it was, through epigenetic processes, through in womb
messaging, certainly through childhood experience; I learned to check out, by any means
necessary. When the world feels unsafe, people find ways to stay alive, even if it kills them.

Personal Counselling sessions journal, May 23, 2017
Today we talked about this dissociation I have been experiencing. It is a coping
strategy from way back but (my counsellor) helped me to articulate it in a metaphor
that I think will be helpful to giving me language around it when it happens. I made
some hand gestures that looked like walls and a prison and talked about freedom.
The metaphor that came to mind was a maze. I get trapped in other people’s mazes
and then I feel helpless, like I can’t get out and I have no choice but to be trapped. I
wondered if I get trapped by their expectations or my own. What are my
expectations of myself in those moments, what are my assumptions? I seem to feel
that I have no choice, like when I am trapped in class and feel like I want to leave but
feel that I ‘shouldn’t’. These are my own expectations. Am I allowed to have a mind
of my own, to be me and am I allowed to show up and be seen?
I will be paying attention to the dissociation and using it as a symptom, a
marker to start asking myself questions about what is going on in my environment
that is causing a feeling of helplessness or of being misunderstood. Why do I not feel
safe? Are there expectations or assumptions that I am putting on myself in that
moment? What does the dissociation do for me in those moments? I felt that this
was a really productive session and helped me to articulate what is going on with
me. I also tapped into emotion again which was great! There is something really
important about being understood. I don’t like to be misunderstood. I felt really
misunderstood growing up, like I could never just be me. There was always someone
picking at me to do this or that better, to be different, to look different, to act
different. I never felt that I could do anything right, except in school - that is where I
could shine, that is where I could excel. That was my safe haven, academics.

As Gabor Maté (2008/2015) talks about, when we come to terms with our addictive
tendencies, our own escapist ways, we have greater compassion and understanding for
others’ ways of coping. It’s when we remain in denial of our own addictions or decide to

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rank addictions, making ours so much better, that we start to see other people’s addictions
as different from our own.
My addictions have changed over the years so that now I have quite an arsenal to
draw upon. Learning is certainly an addiction, think about the amount of time, money, and
focus it takes to go through a program of study. Academics became for me, an opioid, a
way to appease the feelings of worthlessness, of inferiority, of lack of connection. Actual
opioids would never do for me because I was too afraid of being out of control, of not
having full use of my faculties, it freaked me out.

Practicum Supervision Journal, June 14, 2017
…fear of being judged, fear of being ‘wrong’, feeling ‘wrong’ all of my life. Maybe
this is why school was so great for me, it was a place I could be right. Feeling wrong
everywhere else, finding a place I could feel right - in terms of academics, not in
terms of friends or personhood, but at least something, there was some place I could
feel good about myself. And I have seen this, realized this over the past several years,
that academics was my place of safety. I would keep running back to it over and
over for another hit to feel ok. This program is different though. This is about
transformation and really seeing who I am, not performing. Wow, if school is my
drug, the cost of that is pretty high. I never got into taking drugs to numb or make
myself feel better but I did go to school. That was my place, has always been my
place to assuage the feeling of being wrong, of my essence being wrong.

Forgiveness. I learned along the way in my life that forgiveness was important. This
is certainly a core tenet of the Christian faith; we are forgiven, we need to forgive. That is
belief but what I have learned by experience is that forgiveness is essential. It changes us. I
have been surprised to learn that when I am holding offense, anger, judgments towards
others, it infects my heart. It starts to turn my love cold, and steals my compassion. When I
choose to forgive, and it is a choice, not primarily a feeling, things shift, I breathe easier, feel

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lighter, freer. This is incredibly important and what has really stunned me over the years is
that it not only changes me and my internal reality, it changes the other person too. I have
seen this time and again. When I deal with my own grudges, walls, and defenses, it allows
me to be different towards that other person and it allows them to be different in return. It
frees me but it also frees them.

Personal Journal, June 18, 2017
Everyone has a story, everyone has an internal world that others aren’t privy to. We
all have our perspective, our truth. Things happen, people hurt each other (hurt
people hurt people) and people take on hurt and offense and pain; we all do. We
vilify others because that is easier than facing their pain…. or our own. Some people
are chronically rejected, some are protected, some are ignored and some are idolized.
This is the world we live in. To me forgiveness is about taking our power back. To be
able to forgive is strength, it is courage, it is powerful. Forgiveness isn’t primarily
about the other person, it is about us, it is about our own journey and being able to
walk unencumbered. It makes us free. It allows us to go on and grow and flourish; to
live and breath, to feel, to be human. It is secondarily about the other person,
because in forgiveness, we release them, we allow them to change, we allow them to
have their own truth, regardless of what they've done.
I want to live in freedom and I want freedom for others too, so I try to keep my heart
free of offense.
Power & control
This program has put my already intense inclination to ponder and observe people
and relationships on overdrive. Couple this with my own inner journey of working through
my feelings of powerlessness and bid for control and it’s no wonder this thread runs
through the tapestry of my story. It seems to me that so much of relational dynamics
comes down to power and control. I find myself noticing how we all try to get power or

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take control, make ourselves superior or judge ourselves or others as inferior. Since my
granddaughter was born, I am very attentive to the messages that she might receive from
those around her, not least to save her from having to heal from the wounds I carry around.
Consent & coercion. I have a large extended family, when we get together with
parents, siblings and families there are easily 20-25 people there. Since my granddaughter
came into the world, just over a year ago, I notice things I didn’t readily notice before. This
is partly due to where I am in my healing and growth journey and partly due to societal
emphasis. So, we were having a family party, I’m carrying my little granddaughter around
and another family member comes up and wants to take her. She shakes her head. At 12
months, she communicates what she wants and what she doesn’t. The question is: will we
respect it or will we push right past what she has communicated and force our own will on
her? This propensity by adults to force their viewpoints, needs, and wants onto children
has become much more real to me over the past year. Granted we do this with other adults
too but this interaction with the most vulnerable ones has my attention in this moment. I
notice in myself the need to be needed, the wanting to be wanted. “I want you to want me,
I need you to need me”, as the Cheap Trick song goes. It happens in numerous ways,
physical, emotional, spiritual. It occurs by holding a child for a moment too long when they
have made it clear they want down; in continuing to tickle and poke at a little one when
they are clearly not ‘having fun’. Also, in pulling on a child to meet our emotional needs by
giving us a hug, or a smile, or to say the right thing, act the right way to feed our ego, make
us look good, or give us reassurance. It can be sneakily subtle or loudly overt, this exertion
of control.

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I am holding my granddaughter, she shakes her head at the offer of going to
someone else and is accused of being mean. Wow, really?! And there it starts; the
socialization of this baby girl to be what others deem appropriate for her to be; to condition
her to be ‘nice’. Something inside remembers, knows this all too well.
Women & men. I think a lot about the dynamics between male and female.
Process Journal, May 18, 2017:
I am currently reading Gottman’s book (2015) and also re-reading ‘The Body Keeps
the Score’ (van der Kolk, 2014). Gottman talks about how men physiologically get
overwhelmed by stress and especially marital strife - criticism by the wife, etc and
then shut down. He states that scientifically the man is flooded and incapable of
dealing well with the situation at that point. The man will also be prone to
escalating the conflict rather than finding ways to resolve it. Then in The Body Keeps
the Score, reading about the trauma response of war veterans, I am fascinated by
the male response. The story of retaliating and escalation of violence by men evoked
a lot of emotion in me. I’m trying to put in words what I am feeling about that. On
one hand it pisses me off. I think men should be able to choose better than they do
and I wonder why it is up to women to take the brunt of the world’s males’ inability
to regulate their emotions or response to stress. Why do women often bear the
brunt of the violence and terror? A part of me wants to understand and is sad but
the larger part is angry, especially with patriarchal societies that demean women,
controlling them so that men never have to mature. It just seems so unfair.
Personal Journal, May 24, 2017:
Thinking this morning about the subjugation of women over the history of humanity.
Reading The Body Keeps the Score again (van der Kolk, 2014) and the comments
around incest being rare in the psychiatry textbook of 1974 (p. 20). How is it that
men actually convince themselves that abusing women is alright? It makes me angry
and sad and frustrated and infuriated all at the same time. I then turn to God and
ask why? Why is this the lot of women, to be abused and humiliated and used,
commoditized throughout history. The commoditization of females is a tragedy.
What is your view of women Lord? He gives me Isaiah 54.

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105

Isaiah 54 reads in part:
“Sing, O barren (woman),
You who have not borne!
Break forth into singing, and cry aloud,
You who have not labored with child!
For more are the children of the desolate
Than the children of the married woman,” says the LORD.
“Enlarge the place of your tent,
And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings;
Do not spare;
Lengthen your cords,
And strengthen your stakes.
For you shall expand to the right and to the left,
And your descendants will inherit the nations,
And make the desolate cities inhabited.
“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame” (New King James Version)
This for me is a promise that in places of barrenness, where there is pain and trauma,
there will be healing and expansion, not only for those women fighting for it, but for the
generations that come after. Women fight for new life, and even in barrenness, we sing.
Tears stream down my face as I sit with this. A memory invades, hijacking my senses.
Imprint
fingerprints
mar her neck
imprints
of the violence
of yesterday

no one says a thing
life

goes

on

On Becoming
Strong women. I grew up in the midst of very strong women. They often don’t
recognize their strength but they are strong, they are powerful; I have experienced them as
controlling. As I think about this issue of control, I see the pattern of feeling controlled in
many ways by the women in my life. Freedom to be who we are and some agency in one’s
own life is important at any age. What I learned through the lens of trauma is that I was not
allowed to be who I am. I needed to be what others needed me to be, to help others in
what they wanted. This followed me well into adulthood and nowadays I am trying to take
responsibility for my ways of being. I am not taking the blame, but I am also not blaming. I
am not condoning anything that happened but I am taking responsibility for me.
So when I come into a situation with one of the lovely, beautiful, strong women in
my life and I think ‘you’re ____ ‘, fill in the blank. Maybe it’s ‘you are controlling’, now I turn
that around on myself and ask why I feel controlled. What is it that I feel I can’t do or that I
am being forced to do? Why do I feel powerless? Living my life blaming others for how I feel
is not actually going to change anything for the good but it might make me old and bitter
and that is not the way I want to be. What I do want is to stay curious about what is going
on for me, taking a long hard look at the three fingers pointing back at me. What I do want
is to love others well, to understand, and care for them.
In relation to my strong women, I realize I learned not to tell the truth, not to really
show up. I internalized that I didn’t actually exist or at least shouldn’t and I walked through
life as a ghost; knowing (whether true or not) that I didn’t matter and that no one would
ever truly try to know me. If someone did try to get to know me, I was convinced that I
couldn’t show them who I really was because then they would know how deeply and

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fundamentally flawed I was and they would no longer want to know me. This became my
identity; the girl, teenager, woman that no one really knew, that no one would take the
time to know. I still often cease to exist around my strong women. I go inside myself.
This is a feedback loop; a recurring pattern where there is no way out but to
recognize the cycle and make a change. I only recently recognized this as hiding. I have felt
abandoned, I didn’t realize that in these very imbedded and ingrained habits I was
abandoning myself and in so doing I was abandoning others. And I didn’t recognize that I
was in control, that I had the power to choose, to change; that I am a powerful, strong
woman in my own right. I could actually view things differently. I could choose to show up
and be seen. I was talking to God about this in the shower one day. I do a lot of dialogue
with God in the shower. I was lamenting that I never feel seen.

Personal Journal, September 17, 2017
I often feel the need to be seen, I feel unseen but God spoke to me in the shower this
morning and told me that I don’t need to be seen, I need to allow others to see me
and see others!
Wow, that blew my mind. I am the one who needs to allow others to see me. Huh?!
It seemed true; felt true, but I had no idea what to do with it. How do I let others see me?
This is something I am working out daily and this thesis is part of that work. Others
can’t truly know me if I don’t allow myself to be known. I am responsible; able to respond,
to choose my response. So when I feel that one of my strong women is controlling, time to
look at myself and see how I’m not showing up in the situation to tell them what I think,
how I feel, how I see things, and what I need; to tell them about me and what I am and am

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108

not willing to do. No one else can give me the freedom to be except me; time to stand up
and be counted sweetheart.
Body Wisdom
The developing child’s positive sense of self depends upon a caretaker’s benign use
of power. When a parent, who is so much more powerful than a child, nevertheless
shows some regard for that child’s individuality and dignity, the child feels valued
and respected; she develops self-esteem. She also develops autonomy, that is, a
sense of her own separateness within a relationship. She learns to control and
regulate her own bodily functions and form and express her own point of view.
Traumatic events violate the autonomy of the person at the level of basic bodily
integrity. (Herman, 1992/2015, p. 52).
Trauma, especially developmental trauma, often disconnects us from our bodies (van
der Kolk, 2014). Part of my journey has been to listen to the wisdom of my body once
again.
Intimidation.
Personal Journal, March 23, 2018
I can feel my stomach in knots, anxiousness, nervousness. So, why? Why do I get
worked up about what other people think? Why do I care about other people’s
judgement or approval? What is their approval or disapproval going to add or take
away from my life? More importantly why do I allow those imaginary or real
judgements to impact me so significantly?
Personal Journal, April 12, 2018
I am scared, I am afraid and intimidated. I don’t value myself enough and I don’t
trust myself. It’s intimidation that holds me back….this is a huge limiting factor. I
asked the Lord for an analogy to help me understand this limitation and he gave me

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a picture of a mighty rushing river. It was powerful and full but then it narrowed and
was dammed up so that only a trickle of water was allowed through on the other
side. This is me.
Intimidation
I close my eyes and ask the Maker of All to show me
When did this first start?
How did I get here?
I am taken back, not to a memory but to a sense
of being very little
and feeling startled scared
it’s as though I have lived here my whole life
waiting for the fright, anticipating terror
the fear everpresent
It stalks me, hunts me, waiting, watching
ready to jump out and grab me
to swallow me whole
this is Intimidation, it is my shroud
my covering
my protector

Reconnection. I have never been that concerned with my body. It has been more of
a frustration and cause of shame than anything for most of my life; or simply the way I get
around, an obligatory vessel. I wore baggy clothes as a teenager to cover up my shape so as
not to attract unwanted attention. I have had this love-hate relationship with it as long as I
can remember. I used to have a list of things I hated about myself; I would recite it, sure
that these were the things that made me unacceptable. Over the years that list faded but
the disconnection to my body continued.

On Becoming
Personal Journal, May 12, 2017
I have been thinking the last two days about how much I ignore my body. I often will
ignore my body telling me it needs to go to sleep or it needs to go to the bathroom,
holding it for a long time or that it needs to eat, allowing hunger to go on for hours. I
ignore my body and therefore I am disconnected from it. I need to pay more
attention.
As I read this back I see the truth in it but I also see the reciprocal, that I am
disconnected from my body so I ignore it, a self-perpetuating cycle.
Over the past three years my body has become more prominent in my
consciousness. The Body Keeps the Score (van der Kolk, 2014) brought it to the fore, to
consider what my body has been impacted with over the years, what it holds. I have
chronic neck and shoulder stiffness and pain, as well as stomach issues. I have had three
bouts of skin cancer, and a hysterectomy, each time a chunk of my body carved out. The
thought started to break over me like a wave, ‘what does my body know, what is it trying to
tell me?’ When I finally began to pay attention and listen, I found it held a lot of secrets.
Embodied empathy. I was with a client one day fairly early on in my practicum, the
emotion was thick in the room, I was present, I was emotionally attuned to the client, we
were connecting on a mental-emotional level but my body was stiff. I was curious so I
watched back my tape (a wonderful benefit of having practicum sessions recorded).
Practicum Supervision Journal, June 2017
…in watching my session back I realized that I was very stiff in my body. Not super
stiff, it just seemed to me that I was keeping a certain posture in my body that at
times did not fit at all with what I was feeling. I felt very connected to her in the
session and was tearing up with her but you wouldn’t know it by my body language
in parts. I realized in another way how I am disconnected from my body. I need to
embody emotion.

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This brought me to specific times in my life when I have felt this stiffness and inability
to express myself bodily. I continue:
Practicum Supervision Journal, June 2017
…back to my disconnect from my body, I realize that I need to work on this. How do I
connect fully mind, emotion and body in a way that is integrous? How do I show in
my body what I am feeling? At one point in the session, I felt that I should have
opened up my posture and leaned into the emotion. I definitely push people away
emotionally. I don’t feel safe with most people to express how I feel. I feel safe with
myself most of the time, I think, to feel what I am feeling but I don’t feel safe with
others… It’s about safety. People need to feel safe. I need to provide that space
where they feel safe and that means connecting empathically and allowing that to
show up in my body as well. I think I am doing well with showing care on my face
and in my tone of voice at times, but that is all neck up. From the neck down, pretty
disconnected.
This session was pivotal for me to really see visually and feel viscerally how I was
holding myself in session but also in life. In my next session I tried to embody emotion
more:

Practicum Supervision Journal, June 2017
In my session yesterday I tried to move my body more. I leaned in at times, opened
up my posture and just tried to change it up more. It felt better but I was also selfconscious a bit thinking about (my supervisor) maybe watching me. Kind of like a
child trying something new out and wanting to do it in private, not to be criticized or
picked apart. I feel quite vulnerable in those moments on one hand and yet really
want to learn and do better. I really want to connect with my clients and with myself
and others so this is important work.
During this time, we were finishing our Trauma class with a trauma fair, a student
display of trauma interventions.

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Practicum Supervision Journal, June 2017
I am working on my research for Trauma and (a classmate) and I are presenting
Dance Movement Therapy as our trauma intervention. I had articulated what I
noticed about myself and what I needed to do as embodied empathy, that I needed
to embody empathy, showing my emotions with my body. I didn’t realize that this
was actually a thing. In my research it is referred to as Kinesthetic empathy or
embodied empathy. I love how my connection with my self and God leads me to
discover things that are already out there. I love this process, I love this relationship.
I feel my way through life, sensing what I need to do, what I need to learn and what I
need to focus on and when. This is what I experience in my relationship with God. As
I draw closer to God, I know and love myself more and I open myself to others more. I
am more connected.

Just two months later, while on retreat on Bowen Island, I came across a massage
therapist who did somatic work and booked an appointment with him. During the session,
as he assessed what was going on with my body, he said that he felt I was in a perpetual
startle response. This made sense to me. In the fall I decided to take a therapeutic yoga
class to help me get in touch with my body and begin to resolve some of these issues that
were coming to my attention.

Creativity Journal, September 13, 2017
I decided to do this (therapeutic yoga) program because it is directed, and (the
instructor) is a Kinesiologist who builds a program for us and our body issues. I am
really trying to be more connected to my body. I sometimes notice how tensed up I
am and then let the tension out of my shoulders. It can be quite pronounced. The
first thing we did was get into a comfortable lying down position to quiet ourselves.
(Our instructor) spoke to us about what we were doing and she talked about being
aware of the support of our body, that we were being supported by the floor and the
pillows, etc. As I brought myself to that awareness and really felt it and let myself
relax, I started crying. It was deeply emotional for me to feel supported. I think
there is a lifelong feeling of not being supported. This, along with the Somatic RMT

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guy telling me that he felt I was in a perpetual startle response, the trauma held in
my body is more immense than I think it is.
As I became more intent on listening to what my body was already speaking, I
started to notice that when I felt criticized, ostracized, and put down, I froze. And when I
felt happy and connected, it was easier to be myself and be with people. I started to notice
what was going on in my body when I felt angry, or sad, or frustrated, or joyful. I learned
about Polyvagal Theory (Dana, 2018; Porges, 2011) and began to observe my neuroception,
what my body knows by instinct that my rational mind does not. I started to see my pattern
of going into a dorsal vagal state, a freeze response, in social situations where I felt I was
being ostracized, criticized, or picked on. I did some focused polyvagal work utilizing the
exercises in Dana’s (2018) book.
It has been transformative to connect my mind, emotions, and body. I am now much
more aware of my body and the wisdom it holds. I have begun to accept all that my body
has held over the years and to love it for all it does and has done for me and find myself
caring for myself much better than I used to but the reconnection is still often painful.

Personal Journal, November 15, 2018
Connecting with my body is painful. It holds negativity and rejection, abandonment,
abuse, depression, stress, grief, all the things, they are held in my body.
Grief & Loss
Personal Counselling Sessions Journal, June 29, 2017.
I have been processing a ton of stuff. Grief, for sure, being in the process, and also
observing the process of grief. I described to (my counsellor) that I kind of enjoyed being in
that place. There was joy in the acceptance of being in grief to give myself space to feel
grief. There is also joy in remembrance, there is also sadness and an aching that those times

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won’t happen again but there is also a sweetness in remembering the happy times, the good
things, the things that will be missed. There can also be regret for the things that will never
be or that never were. Grief is a wonderfully complex process.

Letter to my grandpa. I dreamt about you last night. You were vibrant, happy,
smiling. I got to give you a hug, to hold onto you one more time. As I made my way through
the morning, you lingered, the memory of an embodied you still fresh in my mind. I have
never dreamt of you before, that I can remember. It was such a gift. Then I checked my
Facebook page and a memory popped up of a video we took many years ago as we tried to
take a photo of you and grandma. The whole family, laughing uproariously while trying to
get one nice picture of the two of you, as you joked and teased. Oh, the memory of you.
Today is 12 days shy of 7 years since you passed. Seven years ago today I sat by your
bedside at Gateway Lodge with my mom and my aunt, sitting vigil, not wanting you to be
alone. We sat with you for days, singing, talking, even laughing. I sit here now with the
impression of you fresh in my mind, I can feel you, as tears stream down my face. I wish we
had had more time with you; I wish you could have met your great, great granddaughter.
As I sit in remembrance, gratitude wells up in me. Thank you for all you were, all you
are, to this family. Thank you for fighting your addiction all those years. You taught me
what it was to be human: to be strong and weak, fierce and vulnerable, serious and silly, a
sinner and a saint. I miss you. I love you. I want to hear another corny joke. Did you hear
the one about the 3 eggs? Too bad.

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Figure 12. A Great Day for the Race
Ripples. Loss is such a weird thing. To know someone that you love is gone. It’s
surreal. You know it and yet can’t believe it.
Personal Journal, June 24, 2017
Our dog died today. Grief is such an interesting emotion, it comes in waves. At first I
felt shocked but very quickly my mind turned to my daughter and how upset she will
be by this. Fortunately we were just finishing up the trauma fair so I could pack up
quickly and go meet her and (my husband). We sat outside crying, discussing what
to do with his body. We decided to bury him up on our land. (My husband) went
ahead to dig the hole and he found a lovely spot for him. (We) buried him, had a
small ceremony. (My daughter) and I talked about our favourite times with him,
what we would remember. As I drove home, I cried, realizing that I take the role of
being strong for others, the emotional support and once I am alone, I can feel my
emotion. Not that I try to hold it back anymore so much, I did cry with (my daughter)
but waves of grief are easier to handle by myself. Then I posted the loss on facebook
and each time someone expressed empathy, I cried. I realize how healing it is to
have others recognize the pain and enter into it with you. This is so much easier for
me from afar then in person. I have a really hard time fully feeling let alone

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expressing my feelings with other people. But somehow grief is lightened when it is
shared with others. There is something about empathy that releases the pain.
Personal Journal, July 9, 2017
I have thought a lot about grief as an ocean, it comes in waves. I picture myself
standing on the edge of the water. Sometimes the wave comes in and just licks your
toes and goes out again, sometimes the wave crashes over you and overwhelms you.
You can see the waves (feel the grief) sometimes anticipating what is to come.
Sometimes thinking a wave is going to come in hard and brace for it but it just comes
up, encircles your ankles and goes again...just a gentle reminder of the loss. At other
times, it takes you by surprise. You think it’s going to be a gentle wave and instead it
takes your feet out from under you or the waves compound, coming one after
another so that you can’t catch your breath. Grief is bitter sweet. There are
remembrances that are warm and wonderful and then it follows with the realization
that you will never have a moment like that again and the sadness crashes in. Guilt
can be a part of grief. But guilt doesn’t help the grief. I allowed the grief to come
that Saturday night and I cried and cried and cried. The next day, I slept until noon
(unheard of for me) and I felt thankful that I had the opportunity to grieve.

A year later, my practicum supervisor would be battling cancer and it would take her
life just months after her diagnosis. I missed seeing her in a flurry of motion. I grieve. A few
short months later, a dear friend of mine will pass away, also from cancer. I loved him. I
grieve. Each one leaves a hole in the community, layers of community, ripped and torn by
loss; yet, perhaps also brought together in new ways.
Creativity and play
One of my intentions as I looked to doing an authoethnography was to explore
creativity and play.
Personal Journal, July 1, 2017
…today feels like a creative day, a day to play, to colour, to express and create! I
realize there is some anxiety in me around this as I guess I must have some
expectation of it being useful or ‘good’. As I tell my clients when they are beginning

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to pay attention to their own emotions, just notice them and be curious, don’t
evaluate. It is the same with creativity and play, I think, notice, embrace, be curious,
don’t analyze or evaluate.
Creativity Journal, July 13, 2017
I find it interesting that I am almost a full year into my program and I haven’t written
anything in this journal yet. I have been thinking a lot about constriction and how
when developmental trauma happens, constriction occurs. The world gets small and
life gets small and narrowed down. For me that meant a constricting of creativity, it
got cut off or stumped at different points in my life. I wonder if others have found
the same. Play was interrupted and creativity was stymied. One of my healing
processes is to rediscover creativity and play. I think it is essential to me living the
fullest life I can and I think it is important for my clients that I can connect to those
parts of myself.
It was perfect timing to take the Child & Youth counselling course.
Play Journal, July 9, 2017
…we were given the assignment to create ourselves as a tree using whatever
materials we wanted to. I used watercolour chalk and paint. I am always a bit
intimidated by creating because I am not very artistic but I started to draw the tree
trunk and root system and knew that I wanted to create deep roots. From there I
started to create an apple tree with the sun shining and blue sky. I realized as I kept
on adding things that I was adding things that were of use to others. I added a
swing set and some footholds so someone could climb the tree, the apples so others
could be fed. I also added some saplings that had sprouted up from the natural
growth of the tree. As I stepped back from the painting and looked at the whole, I
realized that it was an invitation; that I am at a summer season of my life, a time to
learn to play and a time to invite others to play. I am also at a time when I have
healed enough to be able to share what I have learned. Perhaps I feel that for the
first time in my life, I am at a place that I have learned some things that might be
useful and helpful to others and I actually feel capable of sharing them.

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Figure 13. Come Play with Me

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119

Creative exploration. The exploration of creativity has been deeply emotional for
me, to reconnect to myself, my voice, play and creativity.

Personal Journal, September 23, 2018
I am very emotional the last two days. As I sit on the plane, I am weeping. It comes
every so often…. It feels like a deep grieving, like a call to grieve. I can hardly see the
screen to type this for the tears. I want to just cry and cry. Do something essential in
me, I pray. It feels like something is breaking lose, something wants to be free,
maybe it is my creativity. Maybe I’m mourning the lack of development in my
creativity and the overdevelopment of my mind. Maybe my heart wants to be free,
maybe my spirit is calling for expression that is not produced out of my mind, but
only in full integration and connection between my spirit and soul, my mind and my
heart. Maybe the disconnection must be grieved in order to be healed….Interestingly
as soon as I acknowledged that this might be deeper, more generational than just
me, the deep emotional pain subsided. This need to be acknowledged and seen, felt,
welcomed, calmed the storm.
Flow
a scoby, thick and curdled
blocks the flow
what once brought life
now inhibits
newness pushes
against its boundaries
the fermentation process complete
the fullness of time has come
generational jams can be removed
the schism is large
threshold moments
liminal space
pain of disconnection looms
and must be felt
to be healed

On Becoming
Timing. I have friends who sense things that are to be. In one layer of my culture we
call this prophetic. I have many beautiful, amazing, prophetic friends. They are a joy in my
life. These women, this prophetic sisterhood, are a remarkable blessing to me. While we
each have a bit of a different way of sensing, I tend to feel the timing of things. This I’ve
noticed over many years, had confirmed by experience and circumstance as well as other
people. I know when it’s time; I feel it. It is an aspect of life that God speaks to me through.
An example is this thesis. I started my proposal for this thesis in Spring 2017 but
waited and waited to finish it. There was a part of me that wanted to just get it done but I
knew it wasn’t time yet. This went on for well over a year. Finally in September, I could
sense the call to write and set my goal to have it done by the end of October. I decided to
start writing October 1 but something was hindering me. It was the time but there was a
stopping up of the creativity and it wouldn’t flow. Fortunately I had a Spiritual Direction
session booked for that day. Providence!

Personal Journal, October 1, 2018
Had my spiritual direction session today. (my spiritual director) is wonderful! I talked
about this sense of pain, fear, grief, anger that I am noticing the past few days in
considering writing my thesis. We noticed what was going on there and I felt that
this was such vulnerable work and I wasn’t sure it would be accepted, putting the
pain out there, the possibility of rejection, abandonment and being misunderstood,
out in the external realm. As she encouraged me to sit with that and notice what was
going on, I saw that there was this part of myself that is trying to be noticed, this part
that is abandoned by self that wants to be seen, to have a voice, to be noticed. As a
dialogue started with these parts of self, I saw this child holding out its hand to be
taken by this other, more mature, bigger, more adult part of myself. Yet I sense that
the younger part might be the more wise of the two. The smaller, younger part of
myself is asking if I will see it, if it can contribute, if its voice can be heard, its
creativity expressed. (My Spiritual director) asked me to sit there and notice what I

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need in it and it was like there was this disconnect, the line got dropped and both
sides could no longer speak to each other. I kept having these thoughts of creative
ideas popping into my head that I simply won’t start, I keep putting off, doubting it
can go anywhere, rejecting myself without even trying. That is what the younger
part is asking of me, to try, to explore, to see, not to abandon, not to reject, but to
just try. What am I so afraid of? Why am I so insistent on pushing this part of me to
the sidelines, marginalizing myself, dehumanizing and suppressing this part of me?
At this point she suggested that I seek out a psychotherapist who could help me with
this particular reconciliation of parts. She gave a few suggestions of people she would
recommend with expertise in this and I was able to arrange to meet over Skype with a
woman who did both Jungian analysis and Internal Family Systems only a few days later.

Personal Journal, October 6, 2018
I had a counselling session today to work through this creativity blockage. I had the
sense of a little girl holding the creativity and play and this older presence protecting
the community of self by keeping her at arm’s length, keeping her exiled. The
counsellor first helped me to notice what the older presence felt like in my body and
my emotions. I felt this knotting in my stomach and then it would move up to my
chest and lodge in my upper chest, it felt constricting like I was folding in on myself.
And the predominant feeling was fear, fear and immobilization - ahhh, the freezing,
the dorsal vagal state.
She then asked me to connect with the inner observer - my true self. My
insight shifted from the older presence to the younger presence. (My counsellor)
asked me to see what the little girl looked like, she had a dress on with ripped
leggings, as if off playing and had tattered her clothing in the process. I asked what
she wanted to give me and she said expressions of joy which kind of surprised me. I
asked what she needed or wanted from self and she said to express herself, like to be
free to express herself without needing to explain what she was up to, and to allow
Self to allow her to lead sometimes, to trust her to lead. As we talked, the picture of
her changed and she had motion around her and colours coming off of her and the
feeling of excitement in the air. At some point I asked if she minded if I talked to the
older presence and she took my hand and stood beside me.
(The counsellor) asked me to see what the older presence looked like and I
couldn’t really see any detail but I got the feeling of a tall presence, towering over us

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and also heard this hurt sense of feeling that it was going to be blamed for shutting
off the creative, this child part of me. I assured it that there was no blame, that it
had done what it thought it needed to to protect self, it was ok. The presence shifted
then and shrank down to a little boy who was scared and afraid of being blamed. I
assured him that he had done what he knew to do given the circumstances to keep
the community of Self safe. ‘What you knew to do was to shut down play, shut down
aspects of creativity that seemed unsafe because spontaneity could lead to disaster.’
Early in the session, (the counsellor) had asked me if I had a memory that connected
to this issue and the disconnect between these parts and of course, I was taken to my
brother’s death, and heard the phrase ‘the day play died’.
So, I assured this little part of me that felt like it had to grow up too soon and
make itself much bigger than it was, the part that induced fear when thoughts of
play and creative expression were introduced, that put me in freeze mode (dorsal
vagal state) when feeling threatened, that I didn’t blame him, but he didn’t need to
play that role anymore. I asked him what would he want to do instead and with a
twinkle in his eye and a big smile on his face, he said, ‘I would like to play with her!’

Figure 14. Integration

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Joy & incompetence. One of the practices I have embraced over the past few years
is to notice joy. To notice what brings me joy; turns out there are quite a few things. In this
attention-paying, I noticed that I love the cello. I love the sound of the cello. As I learned
more and listened more, I found that I love how the cello has such range and emotionality
to it. It stirs me. I decided I wanted to play the cello. I don’t play an instrument but here I
am, mid-forties, wanting to play the cello. Well, my kids started a cello fund for me and
gave me a jar with money in it for Christmas last year, it brought me to tears. I felt seen and
known. Friends and family contributed to the fund for my birthday and I finally bought one
in November. I am LOVING it! With the magic of YouTube I am learning a ton!
Besides the cello, I have been doing pottery, painting, silversmithing, drawing,
writing poetry, taking up photography, and pretty much trying my hand at anything creative
that sparks my interest. In this process I have embraced incompetence. I don’t like
incompetence much, in others but especially in myself. I like to know what I’m doing.
Creativity is meant to incorporate play and play is spontaneous; incompetence comes with
the territory. It is a great way to let go of the false self and ego. I needed to allow myself to
play, to try new things, to not know, not ‘get it’ and not have any expectations that it be
good, whatever that might mean. In this I also had to embrace imitation, something else I
tend to shun. As Gilbert (2015) states, “everybody imitates before they can innovate” (p.
142). I have found these are also important for counselling: embracing incompetence, not
knowing, creativity, and play, as well as the progression from imitation to an authentic
expression of self.

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124
Chapter 5: Culmination

During this program I took 14 classes, had over 100 hours of supervision and close to
200 direct client hours, as well as countless hours of research, reading, and writing. In
addition, this time period brought a number of personal challenges. What stands out to me
as I look back at all the ‘data’ and think back on my experiences, is that so much of my
reality is up to me. I get to choose. I see how I have wasted time worrying about what
people think of me; on comparison. I have wasted energy on fretting, shame, and feeling
inferior. I have wasted emotional, mental, and physical health on choosing to focus on
things I can’t control and anticipating what might be, instead of focusing on what - and
more importantly, who is right in front of me. I have also learned that some things are not
our choice. We don’t choose to act and react in certain ways and to stay stuck or addicted.
Some of these ways of being go hand in hand with trauma. We can however, start to
become more self-aware, to be intentional about our own healing, and then it is possible to
begin to see things in a different way, to have compassion for ourselves, take responsibility,
and make better choices. I also recognize that everything belongs (Rohr, 2013). Everything
that has occurred has led me to this place in my life and it is beautiful. Life is a paradox.
Going back to go forward
What happens over the course of our lives impacts us. I believe that we carry
everything, resolved and unresolved, forward with us and that often we need to go back to
go forward (Scazzero, 2006). It bugs me when counsellors discount the past or don’t want
to talk about it. For me it is an essential part of growth, to see how it all works together; to
truncate life and ignore what has been doesn’t serve us well. As Herman (1992/2015)

On Becoming
states, “Like traumatized people, we have been cut off from the knowledge of our past.
Like traumatized people, we need to understand the past in order to reclaim the present
and the future.” (p. 2).
I’ve had a big tin of my grandparents old slides for a few years now. There must be
hundreds of slides in there. I’ve wanted to take them and digitize them. I finally bought a
unit that could do it and as I looked through the slides one of the first ones I found was a
picture of me at 2 years of age. As I gazed at that picture, thinking about life from her
perspective with all I’ve learned to this point, a letter came.

Figure 15. 2 year old me

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Letter to 2 year old me. Hello little one. What are you thinking? Who are you
looking up to with eyes filled with wonder, curiousity across your face? How do you see the
world? What are you taking in at this tender age?
Little do you know that in just 2 short years, you will have lost your best friend, your
playmate, your first and only little brother (for a few years anyway). It will have a significant
impact on you. It is a trauma that you won’t ever quite get over. Still, there is much turmoil
now, already, isn’t there, do you feel the impact? You hold it all don’t you? Those inquisitive
eyes hold pain, and lots of questions.
I imagine you are wondering what’s happening, what it is that you are feeling all
around you, the heaviness weighing everyone down like a millstone. Wondering why it’s
hard to connect with your mom, to get and keep her attention. She’s distracted and feeling
the loss of one after another or keeping herself busy with activity to keep from feeling it. I
wish I could go back and tell you that it isn’t about you. It isn’t because you aren’t
worthwhile or valuable. They don’t mean to abandon you. They are doing the best they
can. I wish I could help you see, to know in the centre of your being, that you are loved but
they just don’t know how to attune to you, to connect with you in the way you need. I wish I
could buffer you from the pain, the grief, the sense of being left behind.
You will feel that the wrong kid died. You will. I know it sounds crazy but that is
what you will internalize. You will think you are to blame, that his death was your fault. It
isn’t, wasn’t. You were only 4 ½. It was no one’s fault. You will feel like you don’t belong
(maybe you already do). You will lose your ability to play, to be carefree, childlike – loss,

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grief, trauma, tragedy, and abuse can do that. You will experience betrayal and fear. You
will know pain. Things will unfortunately get much worse before they get better.
They will get better though. I wish I could tell you that you are strong and brave and
mighty, and have you believe me. Maybe I am, telling you. Trust me, darling, you are going
to be ok. You are a fighter, a warrior even, and you will fight for your freedom, and win!
Have no fear, dear one, you are going to be brilliant! All my love, ~ Me.

Transformations
Self-compassion. Something shifted for me after I wrote this letter and felt all that
came with it. I was looking at other pictures the next day and found myself actually liking
them. I never like pictures of me – ok, rarely! Very rarely! I usually cringe and say I am not
photogenic, while I turn up my nose. As I looked at more, I realized that that cringy feeling
wasn’t there. I liked them; I even thought I was cute – how weird!
I noticed other changes too. I had a recent exchange with someone I look up to
where I felt I was being judged; weighed, measured, and found wanting. Normally, this
would send me into a shame spiral of epic proportions but this time, it didn’t; I got angry.
Like an indignant kind of angry, the kind of angry I get when someone I love is picked on. I
was standing up for myself on the inside. This was new! I noticed it and something else
alongside it. It was an invitation; an invitation to shame, to feel shame, to take it on again but just an invitation. I realized that I didn’t actually feel shame. I could have; I could have
accepted the invitation and taken on shame again but I was like, nah! No thanks.

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Personal Journal, November 2018
What I am seeing this time though as I continue to have experiences that are
shedding light on this, thanks be to God, is that the actual feeling of shame seems to
be lessening. What I sense is a an invitation to feel shamed but the actual feeling of
humiliating shame is not there with such intensity as it has been. I think this goes
back to my dream. I felt the shame with such intensity in that dream, and it brought
it to the surface for me so I could be with it instead of hiding from it, or pushing it
down.

Love. I have found that when I have the courage to be imperfect, somehow my
sense of belonging in the world increases as does my love, for myself and others. I have
learned to accept and embrace that I cannot be anywhere else but where I am right in this
moment; that is surrender. In accepting and embracing who I am, right here, right now,
with all my imperfections, despite the things that are missing, I have stopped abandoning
myself. With this growing self-compassion, and acceptance of self comes an acceptance of
others, and even a love of others imperfections. I am learning to keep my love on (Silk,
2013). It is quite a beautiful thing; I am in awe of how this works. How I relate to others is
so much about how I relate to myself.
Jesus was asked one day by the Pharisees, the very rule oriented, dogmatic people of
his time, what the greatest commandment was. He replied, “Love the Lord your God with
all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, this is the first and greatest
commandment, and the second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the
Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40, NIV). In other words,
life is all about love. The way of Christ is the way of love. Many things can interrupt love,
such as: trauma, abuse, generational issues, and ego. I believe that the healing journey is a

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journey into love. As my spiritual director so beautifully states, “Love is the midwife to
becoming.” (Heuertz, 2018, p. 144). For me, this is a returning, to the One who is Love. As I
return again and again, I find Love always there to greet me. Love becomes more
imbedded, more ingrained, like God is carving out the ancient paths that have been there all
along, clogged up by all the muck of the world and the trauma of generations. And as the
debris clears, the fresh water begins to flow again, unencumbered and I recognize myself in
Love.
Light & Dark. This journey has transformed me and my perspective on my
relationships. I have beautiful friends. I have an incredible family, a wonderful husband,
children that I absolutely adore, a precious granddaughter and another grandbaby on the
way. I also have a big, lovely extended family. I cherish them. When I am with them now I
see the light and the darkness, the beauty and the pain, and I love it all. I used to feel that I
needed to somehow be better, do better, in order to be accepted. I thought I was accepting
of others but really I was judgmental and saw all the things that needed to change as
hindrances to relationship. I saw what was missing, much the same way I saw myself.
The culmination of this hit me as I went to visit family in another part of the province
recently and went to church with them. As I sat there in the service I was overwhelmed with
emotion at our human state. I was suddenly cognizant that we all have great gifts, talents to
share with the world, strength and beauty…. and we all have foibles. This mixture of light
and dark is beautiful. It is messy and wonderful. This is who we are - a glorious mosaic.
Tears welled in my eyes and I was awestruck by the wonder of it all.

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Becoming. I don’t know someone else’s fable, the stories they hold, but I do know
we all have them. We all have our own stories, our own perspective, our own truths, which
may differ wildly from someone else’s. People can, and often do, see situations from
entirely different perspectives. I have set out in this thesis to tell you my own stories, fables,
myths, and perspective; mine, and no one else’s. If they differ from someone else’s, that is
as it should be. What I have shared is true but it is not total. It is not total in the sense that
it represents only a sliver of my experience and my truth, but it is also partial in that my
perspective is only mine, to be total it helps to consider others’ perspectives and especially
God’s perspective. My truth will always be incomplete, ‘through a glass darkly’, and that is
humbling and wonderfully liberating!
After taking this intentional inner journey, embracing the process of counsellor
identity development, I am much more open with people than I used to be a few years ago,
or even six months ago. I have seen a continual progression of increased self-awareness and
self-compassion. I reach out to others to allow them to see me in all my imperfections and I
don’t filter and edit myself quite as much as I used to. I also make a more concerted effort
to turn towards others and really see them. It’s been a wild, intense, and often painful ride,
but I wouldn’t trade it for anything; I am very grateful!
I have shared parts of my story in this thesis, embracing a level of uncomfortable
vulnerability. Still, if you truly want to get to know me, grab a drink of your choice, maybe
offer me one too, and pull up a chair or take a spot on the couch in my living room and let’s
spend some time together. Long, deep conversations are one of my favourite things in the
world. Let’s be present, connect with each other, and see who we’ll become.

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Figure 16. Becoming

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On Becoming

132
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