October 8, 2001

Conflicts Of Learning

But Not the Kind of Learning They Teach in School

By: Niki Hebb

It's not whether we agree
with our professor's biased
opinions, nor is it when we
have the arduous task of
choosing between two equal-
ly mundane course options.
Nope, it’s not even when we
realize how stupid we are
when we have two days left
to complete our essay and
we're still in the chaos of
forming an outline. The kind
of conflict I'm talking about
slowly creeps up on you on a
Friday night. It’s that perfect-
ly logical, rational, and pru-
dent decision you made
about two hours ago. This
decision seems quite new
and unexpected as it has
never happened before. The
only thing you can compare it
to was when you were forced
to bed by an anarchist,
parental induced curfew in
your early teens.

The reasons for said
decision are overwhelming
and numerous. To go through
everything that’s been
endured would leave nothing
to the imagination, what little
imagination is left after such a
hard week.

Suffice it to say, between
studying, lectures, socializ-
ing, and politics you find your-
self in the most ironic of posi-
tions.

Enter one single female,
namely me. Then enter any
other person, but please, use
your discretion, my virgin
ears can only take so much.

Other person: “Hey, you
got any Trojans, girlfriend,
ve got a hottie lined up!”

Me: “Erm, wha? Trojans?
Tell me again, wasn't that the
Romans? Is there a mid-term
on this?!?”

Despite the lack of libido
satisfying relationships, and
my utmost desire to procure
one of those relationships,
the decision | made came
forth from my being with a will
of its own. The following
sequence of events will not

only shock you, but may send
your whole concept of what is
logical spinning downwards
through the Porcelain god
fondly referred to by myself
as ‘the shitter.’ Take a seat, a
T-3, whatever you think you'll
need to do to take all this in,
okay?

The phone rang! | shot
straight off the couch! Was
that the smoke alarm? Oh my
gawd, where is the fire extin-
guisher! No. Wait a second.
Oh, ha ha, that is the phone.
Silly me, | think I’m turning
into a quack.

“Hello?” Hey! Sexy, well
educated, pilot, exboyfriend
is in town for the weekend!
What luck! | desperately feel |
should tell you that | jumped
at the chance for some well
deserved, intimate, libido sat-
isfying escapades! Sure, |
want you to know he rocked
my world! However, the only
reason for saying that would
be a certain presence within
my person is still in the midst
of a stark case of denial.

Unbeknownst to my more
sultry sensibilities, and seem-
ingly without proper reason, |
told him | was much too
exhausted for company, and
asked him to call me in the
morning. Click.

Screech! No! Who the
hell was that person? Were
those sounds emanating
from my mouth? My lips actu-
ally formed around the words
“No thanks?” Oh, sure, lets all
cheer for my exhausted mind
here. It is breathing a sigh. of
relief as | glare at it with mal-
iced intentions. Ya, | can hear
the bed, it’s soft, embracing
pillows and duvet whispering
the sweetest of dreams in my
ear. Still, there’s murmuring in
the ranks! What shall we do,
Captain? Make it so!

Had an adventure lately?
Huh huh? No? Then | dare
you to tell my libido!

Right now | can feel her
looking out from within, her
eyes mimicking a deer in the
headlights, she’s rather a

good actress, | must say. Yes,
she can’t believe it either.
Slowly, the look on her sexy
face turns to disgust as the
dawn of comprehension
awakens her. Sheepishly |
meet her gaze as | hear her
unbelieving gasps of deri-
sion.

Playing with my glasses |
opt to pass the buck, “It was
the Mind! It wasn’t me! Don’t
look at me that way, it’s all her
fault! Jees, she thinks she
knows everything! | tell you!
Miss know it all!” | point my
finger at the Mind with
utmost conviction! Erk!
That’s not working, she’s
too savvy for that bullshit.

Taking a defensive
body stance | venture an
apology, “ Yes, it’s been too
long. | know, | know. I’m so
sorry! Okay? I’m sorry, so
sue me!” Can you hear her
chastening words? Run,
run away! Run very far!
Trust me, it is worse than
waking up late for class with
PMS, the cat has pissed all
over your assignment, and
you are out of coffee. She’s
not impressed, but there’s
naught to be done about it.

| take a plunge with a
lecture, “Come on sister! |
need to study that text book
or we'll do less than superb
on our first midterm! Think
of our GPA! God, it’s so
important, can’t you see
that? There'll be plenty of
time for intimate movie
watching and other such
grand pleasurable
escapades after we've
completed our Masters!”

Ouch! Maybe | should-
n't have let her in on that.
I’m going to have to give
her some space, maybe
watch a little Big Brother to
sufficiently numb my mind.
If that doesn’t work, a few
jugs of beer over at the pub
might help.

| try once more, this
time opting to join forces
with her, “Hey! Sister,
friend, buddy, pal, the per-

son who’s so glad I’ve carried
her this far. Since it was the
Mind who made that logical
decision, let’s plan to take her
out for beers! This is brilliant!
We can make it a grand ruse,
telling her that we are cele-
brating her chaste approach
at this whole University thing!
We'll get her smashed, and
she'll pass out completely,
leaving you and | to wreak as
much libido loving havoc as
we can! Ya!” Oh, look!
There’s a smile! | think this
might turn out okay!

The Mind interjects, “No!
Do not join the dark side!
Fight it! Use the Force, Niki!”
Aw, gummy bums, what am |
going to do? Sigh.

My one consolation: at
this rate | will honestly be
able to state my pristine con-
dition should | venture out in
white any time after my years
in the halls of knowledge are
complete. The conflicts of
learning. | tell you, it’s more of
a conundrum than you think.

Just think about it...
one day you might save

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Shelby
liver recipient