What would happen if... a UNBC merger

Grant Bachand
Team Member

ver the Edge is able to report that the
Ovniversity of Northern British Columbia
has struck a deal with The Walt Disney
Company. The deal includes Disney providing
5.5 million dollars in blanket funding to the
university. The university, after calculating
a potential deficit due to unforeseen
expenditures, has decided to strike a deal

with Disney to help meet its budgetary needs.

Some of the unforeseen expenditures come
from the recent strike, the British Columbian
state of economic instability, climate change
denial, and Obamacare. In particular the
merger will address the massive build up

of trash on the UNBC campus due to the
inability for garbage services to cross the
picket line.

This build up of trash has caused health
concerns around the university; we now
will have a full HAZMAT team clean up
the university over the summer break.
The university has requested that

those on campus please ignore the rats
roaming the halls in the meantime.

Funding for this has come from the Disney
Company. However this funding does
come with some minor changes to the
university. Over the Edge can now comment
that the following changes are now
coming to UNBC as of September 2015:

x Instead of the Timberwolf, UNBC’s
new mascot will now be Goofy. Disney is
going for a more kid friendly canine.

x School chants will now be replaced
with “Let it Go”. The movie version--not
that other one that nobody listens to.

x The basement is not being repurposed
to an evil dungeon, where the UNBC arch
villain can hang out and come up with evil
plans to overthrow the administration

and rule the school. Absolutely not.

x  Onnights with school balls (there
will me many), if you lose your footwear
before midnight you will now have access
to a complimentary shoe return service.

x Apple products will now be
prohibited due to fear of too many
people falling asleep in class.

x The T-Wolves basketball team will
now be coached by a short man with goat
legs. We are being told it is a satyr.

x Everything the light touches is
now part of the university’s kingdom.

x Security will now have new department

heads. Their names are Pain and Panic.
Reports have come in that they aren’t
very effective at their job.

x All mirrors will
now be replaced by
one mirror in the
Winter Garden. To
use it, you must

first ask it who is
the fairest in all

the land. Note

of warning: the
university will

not be responsible
for the answer it gives you.

x Anew captain, by name of

Ursula, will now run the Acapella Club.
She has commented that she is most
looking forward to “getting to meet all
these people with their amazing voices.”

x Anew administrative position is
being created: Vice President of School
Fashion. VP Deville is expecting to
implement a number of changes,
starting in September of 2015. On an
unrelated note, PETA has recently
opened an office up at UNBC.

These changes have forced current

President Daniel Weeks to leave UNBC; upon
his departure, he has placed the UNBC sword
in the one of the stones outside in the Agora’s
stairs. When he left, he said anyone who can
pull it from the stone will
be the new president.

No further word

on the status of

that development,

but rumors are that
there is a boy in the
cafeteria

Avori Fools

who is being coached by an old man
with a beard to try to get it out.

Over the Edge will keep you updated on
any new developments in this merger.