SHARED PARENTING AFTER SEPARATION: A MALE PERSPECTIVE by Jack E. Kinnear B.S.W., University of Northern British Columbia, 2001 THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF MASTER OF SOCIAL WORK UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN BRITISH COLUMBIA August 2011 © Jack E. Kinnear, 2011 1+1 Library and Archives Canada Bibliotheque et Archives Canada Published Heritage Branch Direction du Patrimoine de I'edition 395 Wellington Street Ottawa ON K1A0N4 Canada 395, rue Wellington Ottawa ON K1A 0N4 Canada Your file Votre reference ISBN: 978-0-494-87579-7 Our file Notre reference ISBN: 978-0-494-87579-7 NOTICE: AVIS: The author has granted a non­ exclusive license allowing Library and Archives Canada to reproduce, publish, archive, preserve, conserve, communicate to the public by telecommunication or on the Internet, loan, distrbute and sell theses worldwide, for commercial or non­ commercial purposes, in microform, paper, electronic and/or any other formats. L'auteur a accorde une licence non exclusive permettant a la Bibliotheque et Archives Canada de reproduire, publier, archiver, sauvegarder, conserver, transmettre au public par telecommunication ou par I'lnternet, preter, distribuer et vendre des theses partout dans le monde, a des fins commerciales ou autres, sur support microforme, papier, electronique et/ou autres formats. The author retains copyright ownership and moral rights in this thesis. Neither the thesis nor substantial extracts from it may be printed or otherwise reproduced without the author's permission. L'auteur conserve la propriete du droit d'auteur et des droits moraux qui protege cette these. Ni la these ni des extraits substantiels de celle-ci ne doivent etre imprimes ou autrement reproduits sans son autorisation. In compliance with the Canadian Privacy Act some supporting forms may have been removed from this thesis. Conformement a la loi canadienne sur la protection de la vie privee, quelques formulaires secondaires ont ete enleves de cette these. While these forms may be included in the document page count, their removal does not represent any loss of content from the thesis. Bien que ces formulaires aient inclus dans la pagination, il n'y aura aucun contenu manquant. Canada ii Abstract In 2004, over 30,000 children were affected by their parent's divorce. Based on what is deemed in "the best interest of the child", custody arrangements have evolved over the past 30 years resulting in both parents remaining involved in the life of their child post-divorce. In an attempt to keep both parents involved following a divorce, joint custody is becoming a common custody arrangements. Joint custody can be either joint legal custody or joint physical custody. With joint physical custody or shared parenting, the daily care of and responsibility for the children is shared between the parents. Shared parenting can and does keep families intact following a divorce or separation. It is in the child's best interest to be raised by both parents following a divorce. The case of fathers who were actively co-parenting their children following their divorce was explored through the case study approach. The qualitative data was analyzed using content analysis to reveal the experiences of the five fathers. As a father who was in a shared parenting arrangement for 14 years, my lived experiences are woven throughout the thesis through the process of auto-ethnography. Findings support the view that shared parenting after separation can be a positive experience for children and families following a divorce or separation. Shared parenting is more effective when both parents are able to effectively communicate and co-operate with each other. It also noted that it may not be in the best interest of the child to have on-going relationships with both parents especially in cases where there is violence or abuse against a parent and/or children. iii Table of Contents Abstract ii Table of Contents iii List of Tables v List of Figures vi Acknowledgement vii Chapter 1 Introduction Establishing Research Purpose My Standpoint Why a Male Perspective? Research Statement 1 5 5 9 10 Chapter 2 Literature Review Child Custody Revolution Three Types of Divorce Divorce and the Effects on Children The Best Interest of the Child Definition of Joint Physical Custody Shared Parenting/Co-parenting Mom's house: Dad's house Joint Custody with an Uncooperative Ex Fathers Time 11 11 13 14 15 19 19 22 24 26 29 Chapter 3 Research Methodology Qualitative Research Case Study Auto-Ethnography Data Analysis - Content Analysis Need for Rigor Sample Selection Ethical Consideration Data Collection 33 33 34 35 37 38 39 40 40 Chapter 4 My Story 43 iv Chapter 5 Research Findings Demographic Questions Time Communication Conflict Family Best Interest Latent Content 57 57 62 65 69 72 76 79 Chapter 6 Discussion The Five Words Time Communication Conflict Family Best Interest Limitations of the Present Study 86 86 86 87 88 89 90 91 Chapter 7 My Reflection, Future Research, Suggestions, and Conclusion My Refection Future Research Suggestions Conclusion 93 93 96 97 100 References Appendices 102 Appendix A - Ethics Approval Appendix B - Research Participant Information Sheet Appendix C - Research Participant Consent Form Appendix D - Certificate of Attendance 112 113 116 117 V List of Tables Table 1: Demographic Questions 1 and 2 57 Table 2: Demographic Question 3 58 Table 3: Demographic Questions 4, 6, and 7 59 Table 4: Content Analysis breakdown 62 vi List of Figures Figure 1: May 28, 1999 46 Figure 2: May 2, 1994 47 Figure 3: August 19, 1999 56 vii Acknowledgement Acquiring post-secondary education never entered my thought process until I was forced to change careers while co-parenting my child. I need to thank my friend Ruth who supported me in my final couple of years of obtaining my undergraduate degree and in my first year of graduate studies. Unfortunately our relationship ended, but I will never forget her gentle encouraging words, and her proof reading ability. I need to acknowledge Dr. Wint who attempted many times to motivate me in my research project with limited success. Fortunately, Dr. Schmidt stepped in late in the process and began to work with me. He helped gather the committee members, and he would not let me quit even though I was ready to give up. I appreciated my research participants who took a risk as they shared their stories relating to their parenting situation. Your words and experiences provided rich and descriptive data in regard to this research project. Finally, 1 need acknowledge my son, Sammy, who for 14 years went back and forth every other week between his mom's house and his dad's house. In retrospect I have no idea how you did it, but I am grateful that I got the opportunity to be an active father following the ending of the marriage. Shared Parenting After Separation 1 Chapter 1 Introduction Joint Custody Out of tea kettles and freezer magnets we built a little robot that would pick up our children from the Opposite Parent— Always rain, always Tuesday, the Intimate Enemy waving from the inner darkness, the robot chirping in its tin voice: Wear your wool hats, darlings, It's dark, it's windy, it's freezing. I love you more than you want to know but I am just a machine slowly winding down - and the children nodded benignly, skipping over cracks. (Nurkse, 2003, p. 40) Very few children in Canada are aware that the Divorce Act exists. In 2004, 69,644 divorces were finalized in Canada. The courts were used to determine custody of dependent children in 28% of all divorces which involved 31,764 children (Stats Canada, 2004). Many children understand that divorce happens, but they assume that it will never happen to their families. When it does, the children's lives are changed forever (Cochrane, 1996). One of many questions facing parents following a separation or divorce is "who will the children live with". The most common custody arrangements in the law courts today are either sole custody or joint custody (Folberg, 1991; Stats Canada, 2004). Only in rare cases is there a winner following a divorce or separation, and in most Shared Parenting After Separation 2 situations it is the children who often suffer the most. The emotional pain associated with the separation of a family sometimes never ends. For the past 60 years, fathers have been trying to determine the role they have in the lives of their children following a divorce or separation (Bauserman, 2002). Based on what is deemed to be in "the best interest of the child", custody arrangements have evolved over the past 30 years resulting in both parents remaining involved in the life of their child post-divorce (Folberg, 1991). It is a challenging endeavor for a couple to co-parent their children following a separation or divorce. However, co-parenting or joint physical custody following a divorce or separation can be an effective way to keep families intact. In this arrangement, fathers are given a chance to be active parents to their children as opposed to being known as "deadbeat" or "Disneyland dads". Sole custody is awarded to one parent (generally the mother) along with visitation rights to the non-custodial parent (usually every second weekend). The non-custodial parent may have a voice in important decisions affecting the child, but ultimate and legal responsibility rest with the custodial parent (Folberg, 1991). A common theme for men who are the non-custodial parent following a divorce or separation is that they disengage or disappear from their children's lives (Kruk, 1993). The term "deadbeat dads" refers to dads who are not involved with their children, most of these dads do not pay child support (Warshak, 1992). Joint custody has become a popular custody decision because the modern legal trend has been to equalize parental rights following a divorce or separation. According to Kruk (1993), joint custody occurs when both parents simultaneously have legal custody, with one Shared Parenting After Separation 3 parent (generally the mother) being the primary caregiver of the children. Joint custody can refer to either joint legal custody or shared physical custody. Folberg (1991) defines joint legal custody as "providing each parent with an equal voice in the children's education, upbringing, religious training, non-emergency medical care and general welfare" (p. 7). In this type of arrangement, the length of time that the father (in most cases) spends with his children may be the same or slightly longer than that spent by non-custodial parents in sole custody arrangements (Coulter, 1990). The term "Disneyland dad" is often associated with non-custodial dads who have their children every second weekend. It is implied that dads spend most of their weekend entertaining the children as opposed to actually parenting their kids (Warshak, 1992). With joint physical custody or shared parenting, the children spend equal or substantial amounts of time with both parents (Bauserman, 2002). The daily care and responsibility for the children is shared between the parents. A shared parenting plan is developed by taking into account the needs of children and the needs of the parents. One example of a parenting plan is a bi-weekly living arrangement where children spend one week at their mother's house and then one week at their father's house (Coulter, 1990). In a shared parenting arrangement following a divorce or separation both parents are actively involved in providing the physical care of their children. Throughout this thesis shared parenting will also be referred as co-parenting and joint physical custody. In 2006, Statistics Canada conducted a General Social Survey (GSS) regarding parenting after separation. According to the 2006 GSS, over 800,000 people living in Canada, who had dependent children with their partners, became separated or divorced between 2001 and Shared Parenting After Separation 4 2006 (Robinson, 2009). Robinson adds that 70 % of the parents in the study had a written, verbal, or legal arrangement for spending time with their children, and/or making major decisions for their children. Children being old enough to make their own decisions and parents being uninvolved were the major reasons for no arrangements being in place in regard to spending time or making decisions with their children. This study indicated that 14% of the parents who had an arrangement in place were involved in shared living arrangements for their children. Stats Canada Table 101-6501-1.2 (2004), shows that custody was granted jointly to the husband and wife 14,773 out of 31,764 times. In the same year in British Columbia, custody was granted jointly to the husband and wife 1,424 out of 2,827 times (Stats Canada Table 101-6501, 2004). Both of these statistics are in regard to joint custody, but do not indicate what percentage of shared parenting arrangements were in place. Joint custody often refers to joint decision making, but with the children living in the primary residence of one custodial parent (usually the mother). In the 2006 GSS study when living arrangements were not shared, most children lived with their mother (Robinson, 2009). Robinson adds that "this finding is consistent with other Stats Canada research (Marcil-Gratton et al., 1999, and Juby et al., 2003) which indicated that children usually stay with the mother after the marital or common-law break-up" (p. 9). Stats Canada Table 101-6501, 2004) figures also show that in British Columbia the mother received custody 1218 times out of 1398 custody orders. This is compared to 16,867 cases in Canada, where the mother received custody in 14,309 orders (Stats Canada Table 101-6501-1.2, 2004). The Department of Justice Canada completed several research studies involving Shared Parenting After Separation 5 fathers in the past decade. Bourdais, Juby and Marcil-Gratton (2001) Department of Justice Canada report was from a male perspective which focused on their lack of contact with their children following their divorce. In contrast, Gill and Alderson-Gill (2005) prepared a report in regard to shared custody arrangements. The parents from the research completed by Gill and Alderson-Gill (2005) support research findings completed by Morris (1988) that parents were generally satisfied with their shared custody arrangement. Ball & George (2008) completed research involving First Nations and Metis fathers in Canada. In this study Aboriginal fathers were interviewed and the majority of the dads were just beginning the process of having contact with their children after many years of being absent. Establishing Research Purpose The purpose of this thesis research is to gain a perspective from fathers who are in a shared parenting relationship with their ex-spouse following their divorce or separation. The focus of the research is about shared parenting after separation, the best interest of the children, and father involvement. This thesis is not to glorify father's involvement with their children following their divorce, but to hear the stories of fathers who remain involved in their children's lives. Shared parenting after separation is a custody arrangement that can benefit families no longer able to function as a family unit. Shared parenting is a serious endeavor as it involves children's lives who are already dealing with a variety of hurts and possibly emotional difficulty because of their parent's divorce. Shared parenting keeps both parents involved with their children, which in most cases is a desire from their children. My Standpoint My desire to learn more about shared parenting arrangements stems from my personal Shared Parenting After Separation 6 and professional experience. My marriage ended in 1994 when my son was almost five years old. I was very fortunate that a co-parenting arrangement on a bi-weekly basis was developed shortly after the marriage ended. This type of arrangement was in place until my son turned 19 years old in 2008.1 feel a sense of achievement that I remained an active father to my child following my divorce. My son's mother is a very capable parent. It would have been easy for me to disengage from her and my son, and start a new life with a new partner possibly parenting her children or starting a new family. Making the decision to remain involved as a parent to my son involved the decision to change careers which presented a financial burden. Given the complications of trying to successfully parent my son in a blended family, I did not remarry or live with another partner. I have realized my greatest passion in life is being a dad. It is my belief that in most situations, children benefit from the active involvement of both their biological parents following a divorce or separation. Co-parenting or shared parenting can be an effective way of keeping families intact after divorce or separation. I believe there are many benefits to shared parenting post-divorce: men are more likely to remain permanently involved with their children; fathers can experience a positive impact on their own health and wellbeing; parents can maintain a more meaningful relationship with their children; and a more meaningful relationship can be experienced with the exspouse. However, in order for co-parenting to be effective both parents must be able to co-operate and communicate with each other, as this is the only way for both parents to ensure the best interest of the child is maintained. Having co-parented my child for 14 years, I enter this research with an emic, or an Shared parenting After Separation 7 insider's perspective (Sherman, & Reid, 1994). Upon reflection, having remained actively involved as a parent in my child's life following the divorce has been a gift to me. Today, I have a healthy relationship with my son because I remain an active, involved, and caring father. I have learned how to communicate and co-operate with my son's mother in an attempt to provide consistency in my son's life after the divorce. Throughout the 14 years of co-parenting many community members did not know my wife and I were separated as we were often seen standing together as we cheered for our child at sporting events or activities. Throughout his childhood, both parents often sat together during Christmas concerts, went to parent/teacher interviews together, and in high school many of his teachers did not know our son lived in different homes. At the age of nineteen my son decided that he no longer wanted to live in two homes. For the past two years he has lived on and off with his mom while he establishes himself in the work force. Even though my son no longer lives with me I will always be an active parent because I stayed involved in my son's life following my divorce. In contrast, from my professional experience as a child protection social worker with the Ministry for Children and Families (MCFD), I believe that in order for co-parenting to be successful it needs to be done co-operatively. As a child protection social worker I have seen situations where co-parenting may not be in the best interest of the children. I have received many reports and I have attended many complaints between parents who attempt to coparent. Often in these reports and complaints, there is little mutual respect and communication is lacking. One incident that I attended was with a family where the parents shared joint physical custody of the children. A court order instructed that a third party had Shared Parenting After Separation 8 to bring the children to the other parent. When speaking with both parents, it became apparent there was little respect for each other. I believe that children are often subjected to emotional abuse when they are caught in the middle of custody and access disputes. In my opinion, parents are not co-parenting when they show disrespect for each other and when they cannot effectively communicate together. I would think that it is hard to co-parent when parents need a third a party to bring the children back and forth so access can be provided. MCFD receives and assesses reports from parents who are co-parenting. They have concerns about their children when they are in the care of the other parent. As a child protection social worker I call these reports "custody files". These reports can be neglect (child dirty, or no food in the home, or parent's drinking or drug use etc.), physical harm, emotional harm, or sexual abuse. One of my basic questions when assessing the report "is there an up and coming court case?" or "have you shared your concern with your child's other parent?" There is often court involvement with these types of calls and there is often no communication between the parents. I am not saying that the children are not in need of protection, because sometimes the reports are valid and there is a need for MCFD intervention. However, I do know that throughout my 14 years of co-parenting following my divorce when I had a concern about my son in the care of his mom I would contact her and share my concern. Throughout my shared parenting experience I was contacted several times with a concern about my son's wellbeing while in my care. I did not always agree with it, but I dealt with it in a co-operative way to ensure that my son's mother's feelings were validated. Shared Parenting After Separation 9 Why a Male Perspective? My Social Work values include empowerment and equality. Barker (2003) defines empowerment as "in social work practice, the process of helping individuals, families, groups, and communities increase their personal, interpersonal, socioeconomic, and political strength and develop influence toward improving their circumstances" (p. 142). Fathers are trying to find their way when it comes to being active parents to their children. For some men it is natural and others need support and encouragement. Barker defines equality as "the principle that individuals should have equal access to services, resources, and opportunities and be treated the same by all social, educational, and welfare institutions; a fundamental social work value" (p. 146). Do fathers have equal access to services, resources, and opportunities when it comes to being involved in their children lives following their divorce or separation? I believe the voices of men who are attempting to remain actively involved in the children's lives following their divorce or separation need to be heard. For 14 years I quietly parented my child in a shared parenting arrangement. Resources for men are limited, but I found ways to manage. I did not just remain in my son's life following my divorce I learned how to co-parent effectively by communicating and working co-operatively with my exspouse. Research in regard to a topic that affects fathers and children may inspire other fathers and/or families to attempt co-parenting following their divorce. Whitehead (2006) advises that past research has focused on the absent father following a divorce or separation with far less attention paid to fathers for whom parenting still continues. Shared Parenting After Separation 10 Research Statement Given the choices regarding custody and access following a separation or divorce, I wanted to determine what the experience of other fathers was in shared parenting. Shared parenting is a fairly new custody arrangement and it may take decades for society and service providers to better support this custody arrangement. My research question was to identify if shared parenting after separation is "in the best interest of a child". The literature review covered the following key points: divorce; best interest of the child; shared parenting after separation; and father involvement. This research project is qualitative in nature and a case study of five fathers was conducted. The five men were interviewed and the data was analyzed through the process of content analysis. My shared parenting experience is not part of the analysis, but it is shared in the chapter before the analysis. The final chapters of this research include a discussion, my reflection, future research, suggestions, and conclusion. It is hoped that this project will generate understanding of the underlying issues and experiences of fathers who are co-parenting their children after divorce or separation. Shared Parenting After Separation 11 Chapter 2 Literature Review Most Canadians consider divorce to be a right. Adults are free to marry whom they wish, and if one of the partners finds the relationship unsatisfactory, unhealthy, or unsafe, he or she is free to end the relationship through divorce. The 1985 changes to the Divorce Act removed most of the blame from divorce proceedings, and since then Canada has had, in effect, no-fault divorce (Department of Justice Canada, 2005, p. 4). When marriages or long term relationships end, the individuals separating experience many types of emotions. Sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, happiness, relief, guilt, and shame are some of the emotions experienced. Experiencing these emotions can be difficult, but when there are dependent children in the household, the separation becomes even more complicated. Two of the most difficult questions are "How will this affect the child/children?" and "Where are the child/children going to live?" (British Columbia Ministry of Attorney General, 2005). Child Custody Revolution Over the past couple of centuries, custody approaches and court decisions have changed dramatically in regard to custody and access of children following a divorce or separation. According to Warshak (1992) and Luepnitz (1982) in the days of ancient Rome, a mother's rights were nonexistent. Fathers had total control over their children as they were regarded as their father's property. The lack of a mother's rights in regard to child custody continued till the nineteenth century, when courts gradually began to place limits on the father's near-absolute right to custody (Folberg, 1991; Warshak, 1992). As the nineteenth century progressed, young children came to be regarded as having special needs, and it was determined that mothers were better suited to meet those needs. Nursing babies were considered to have special needs; and this sentiment prevailed in Shared Parenting After Separation 12 custody cases and came to be known as the "tender-years presumption". Mothers were given temporary custody of infant children through the tenders-years presumption. The children were returned to the custody of fathers when they reached the age of four or five. As the nineteenth century came to an end, the tender-years presumption was the rationale for awarding custody of children of all ages to mothers on a permanent basis (Warshak, 1992; Wolchik & Karoly, 1988). In the early twentieth century, the legal pendulum swung away from fathers. By the 1920s, the preference for mothers to parent children after divorce was firmly established (Folberg, 1991; Krieken, 2005; Warshak, 1992). During the twentieth century a guideline known as the "best interest of the child" standard replaced the tender-years presumption. This standard focused attention on the child's needs rather than the attributes of the parents. The "best interest test" became a general approach forjudges when making custody decisions (Folberg, 1991). From the early 1900s until the mid-1970s, maternal sole custody was generally awarded. The exception was if the mother was deemed unfit due to addiction or mental health issues (Folberg, 1991). In the 1980s, North America's divorce rate reached an alltime high, creating a one in three chance that a marriage would end in divorce (Bornstein, Bornstein, & Walters, 1988; Morris, 1988). Additionally, children under the age of 18 were involved in nearly 60 percent of these marriages ending. Folberg (1991), suggests that research at this time identified the important role that fathers play in their children's development, coupled with the benefits to children who have both parents involved with and available for the child. As a result of the high divorce rate and growing concern about the Shared Parenting After Separation 13 effects of divorce on children, joint custody began to be considered. In the mid-1970s, joint custody became an option for child custody in an attempt to keep both parents actively involved in their children's lives after the separation (Folberg, 1991). Three Types of Divorce The three types of divorce are: the amicable divorce; the disengaged divorce; and the high-conflict divorce. The amicable divorce is the easiest for children. Parents talk to each other freely about their children with little hostility. In this situation children have the opportunity to be close to both parents without any feelings of regret (McDonough & Bartha, 1999). Parents attend their child's activities together and without conflict. This type of divorce appears to be a positive situation for a co-parenting relationship. Disengaged divorce parents manage their hostility by avoiding each other. This type of divorce does allow children a good connection to both parents. The downfall in this type of divorce is that either the children or a third party are involved in communicating for the separated parents (Mcdonough & Bartha,1999). In a disengaged divorce, children are involved with both their parents without being in contact with serious conflict. However, it is difficult to co-parent effectively when parents are not communicating with each other. In a high-conflict divorce, parents are still fighting three or more years after separation. Parents cannot let go of the pain as these relationships involve deep mistrust, poor communication, mutual denigration, and sometimes abuse. Parents in a conflicted divorce take polarized positions, and both parents believe that it is the other parent who is at fault (Mcdonough & Bartha, 1999). Unfortunately, the children of these parents live Shared Parenting After Separation 14 in their own war zone. The result is damaging for children as they develop emotional, behavioral, and social problems. Children can become aggressive, can develop oppositional behavior and conduct disorders, and have difficulties in school (Wallerstein, & Kelly, 1980). Mcdonough and Bartha (1999) provide an example of a teenager who is a survivor of a high-conflict divorce: I feel torn between my parents all day long. If I agree with one, I offend the other. If I'm mad at my mother, I don't talk about it, cause my dad gets off on it. I don't even tell them about my school plays anymore because I can't deal with the fight about who comes, who sits where, and with whom. Many times I have felt suicidal, and desperately alone. I really can't talk to either one. Anything I say becomes grist for their mill. I don't exist for them. And you know something funny? Although they accuse each other of being terrible parents, I think, outside of their fighting, they are both fine. Because of the fighting, I am destroyed by both (p.5). It is obvious that children suffer when they are being co-parented by parents who are in a high conflict divorce. Co-parenting is not effective when parents fail to collaborate or communicate appropriately. Divorce and the Effects on Children Parental divorce is earth shattering for children. Hodges (1991) states that "young children typically have operated on the assumption that they could depend on the predictable availability of both parents. When that assumption proves incorrect, a child may question many other assumptions about the world" (p. 8). The child may begin to question the availability of any parents which may lead to insecure or avoidant attachment (Hodges, 1991). Hannibal (2002) adds that "children lose something fundamental to their development when a divorce occurs: the family structure. Even if you keep things consistent (which is really important), and even if you keep your child's contact with both parents a priority (also critical), the world the child has known is gone" Shared Parenting After Separation 15 (p. 51). It is also documented that children of divorce often have lower self-esteem, poor educational performance, feelings of unhappiness, rejection, and loneliness (Durkin & Mesie 1994; Krieken, 2005). The effects of Divorce vary for children and families depending on a variety of circumstances such as age, gender, and developmental level of the child. The effects on children and families appear to be worse in those families in which there is absence of one of the children's parents or parental conflict continues after the demise of the relationship (Lowery, 1985; Luepnitz, 1982). In the late 1970s a study of children of divorce by Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly was completed with over sixty families. Research stated that pre-school children regressed in their toilet training and speech. School age children were often depressed or angry about the breakup. Teenagers often acted out sexually or participated in dangerous behaviors such as drinking or using drugs. This study did follow ups at 18 months where half the children were still experiencing problems, and at five years where 37% of the children were moderately depressed (Wallerstein & Kelly 1980). This study identified several factors that are beneficial to children of divorce. The two most important factors were identified as easy access to the non-custodial parents and a conflict free post-divorce relationship between their parents (Luepnitz, 1982; Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980). The Best Interest of the Child The phrase "the best interest of the child" is prominent in literature pertaining to custody and access following a divorce. Davies (2000) suggests the best interest of the child is a subjective term, and asserts that determining the best interest of the child Shared Parenting After Separation 16 usually depends on the philosophical framework or perspective of the person who is making a decision regarding that child. Emery, Otto, and Donohue (2005) suggest that parents should determine their children's best interest after separation. Goldstein, Solnit, Goldstein, and Freud (1996) state that "by failing to agree on a disposition, separating parents waive their claim to parental autonomy and thereby their right to be the exclusive representatives of their child's interests" (p. 141). Children are vulnerable to their environment and to people in their environment. Judges have the complex task of deciding the correct placement of children when both parents wish custody (Hall, Pulver, & Cooley 1996). Emery et al, (2005) suggest that the courts interpreted children's best interests to be primarily their best psychological interests. Hall et al, (1996) list the current codes and statutes on the best interest of children standard as of 1993: Consider child's wishes concerning placement; Evaluate interaction and interrelationship of the child with the parents, siblings, and other significant persons; Determine whether a history of child abuse exists; Place child in environment that best promotes full development of physical, mental and spiritual faculties; Consider parents' wishes concerning placement; Evaluate child's adjustment to school, home, and community; Evaluate parent fitness to care for the child; Determine mental and physical health of family members; Assess ability of parent to share with the other parent love, affection, and contact with the child ; Place child with biological parent or, in the event of the death of the parents, the grandparents; Provide for stability of a stable and satisfactory environment (p. 176). Parents receiving custody are presumed to have demonstrated emotional commitment to the child, and are willing to allow access to the non-custodial parent (Hall et al, 1996). A three hour Parenting after Separation Program is offered to parents who are separating. This program is facilitated by the province of British Columbia, and attendance is mandatory for parents who are applying for custody through the courts. Shared Parenting After Separation 17 The handbook issued by the Ministry of Attorney General of British Columbia (2007) states that "in most cases, it is in the best of interest of the child to have a close, stable and ongoing relationship with both parents whenever possible" (p. 25). It is not in the best interest of the child to have a relationship with both parents where there is violence or abuse against a parent and/or children (Ministry of Attorney General of British Columbia 2005 and 2007). The handbook suggests when both parents maintain a close relationship with their child, the child benefits are as follows: Improves the child's emotional well-being and recovery from the separation; Aids in the child's healthy emotional development; Helps a child feeling divided loyalties; Lessens any guilt they may feel (why doesn't the other parent want to see me?); Helps maintain parental authority for the child; Promotes parental willingness to provide financial support for the child; Gives the child an opportunity to develop an extended family identify; Demonstrates that parents can put aside personal differences enough to unite around parenting (p. 25). Family Therapists, Psychologists, Social Workers, and Researchers are also involved with children following a separation or divorce. The consensus from the literature in regard to custody and access is that it is not in the best interest of children to be exposed to family violence or physical abuse ( Banach, 1998; Kruk, 2005; Lowery, 1985). Karpf and Shatz (2000) add that co-parenting is a lifelong bond that is beneficial to children as they proceed through many developmental stages and life-cycle events. However, Karpf and Shatz (2000) also indicate that children's basic rights during the divorce process are as follows: Each child has the right to understand that the decision to divorce is a parental decision and not his or her choice and/or fault; Each child has the right to be free from acting as a messenger, spy, scapegoat or mediator and free from interrogation about the other parent's private life; Each child has the right to maintain independent relationships with each parent and to respect the individual differences Shared Parenting After Separation 18 in parenting styles and personal differences in each home; Each child has the right to be free from witnessing parental conflict and from the burden of having to side with one parent or develop exclusive loyalty towards a parent; Each child has the right to have regular access and consistent time spent with each parent; Each child has the right to not hear disparaging comments made by one parent about the other parent; Each child has the right to maintain loving relationships with maternal and paternal extended family member (p. 11). Other researchers and therapists believe that the best interest of the child is for unbroken continuity and only one permanent custodial parent. Their argument is that children of divorce need stability, consistency, and continuity of care, especially when the child's family system is changing because their parent's marriage is ending (National Association of Women and the Law, 1998). In the 1970s and 1980s the research of Goldstein, Freud and Solnit's Beyond the Best Interest of the Child (1973) set the standard for child custody decisions. The key variable for Goldstein, Freud, and Solnit was the importance of stability which was threatened when children experienced a change in their environment (Hall, et al, 1996). Goldstein et al, (1973) state "such change was believed to cause inevitable internal difficulties" (p. 32). Judges have a difficult decision to make when considering children's stability and well-being. The National Association of Women and the Law (1998) believes that the best interest of the child principle is not a useful tool, and it is easy to manipulate. The National Association of Women and the Law (1998) state the following: determining the primary caregiver of the child should be included in a list of factors or in the definition of the best interest of the child. Courts should determine who was the primary caregiver of the child when the parents' relationship was intact, and this determination should be included as a key factor in the "best interests of the child" test. Carol Smart, a British sociologist of law, recommends decision-makers must distinguish between "caring about" children and "caring for" children; men tend to "care about" children, while women tend to "care for " children. If women are caring Shared Parenting After Separation 19 for children, they are providing the primary care and that should be considered in the "best interest of the child" test (p. 5). This interpretation is that sole custody, and the mother being the custodial parent is in the best interest of the child. The argument of best interest of the child will continue into the future. However, children having both parents actively involved in their lives who are willing to co-parent collaboratively must be a legitimate consideration in the best interest of a child following a separation or divorce. Definition of Joint Physical Custody Wolf (2008) states that "shared parenting refers to joint physical custody, where both parents share approximately equal parenting time and are equally recognized by the law as legal guardians of their children" (p. 1). Some families chose arrangements such as a bi-weekly, or two weeks at one home and two weeks at another, or switching every other month (Ricci, 1980). According to Folberg (1991), joint physical custody refers to the sharing of residential care of the child or, in other words, regularly switching with whom the child resides. Folberg adds that this type of joint custody is allowing each parent to interact with the child in everyday situations rather than "visiting" them. Coulter (1990) indicates that in shared parenting, the daily care and responsibility for the child is shared between the parents. Shared Parenting/Co-parenting With shared parenting, it is assumed that the child spends an equal amount of time with each parent, but this is not always the case (Coulter, 1990). Parenting plans are created depending on the needs of the parents or the child. A common parenting plan is where the children spend the weekends with one parent, and the week days with the other Shared Parenting After Separation 20 parent. This schedule is usually set up for families where the one parent's work schedule does not meet the needs of the children. Another parenting plan is day by day where one parent looks after the children during the day, the other at night, and the weekends are alternated (Coulter, 1990). If parents cannot live together, how can they co-parent together following a separation or a divorce? Emotions are running high when parents are separating from a relationship. The feelings of love and trust are transformed into anger and resentment. Parents who are separating often struggle as they do not know how to interact with each other. During the grieving process parents often deal with their pain by avoiding communication or by exploding with angry arguments when they do speak (British Columbia Ministry of Attorney General, 2005). Parents often need outside help such as counseling, mediation, or a support group to be able to effectively communicate with their ex-partner with regard to their children. A number of researchers including Favaro (2009), Stahl (2000), and Thayer and Zimmerman (2001), found that to co-parent effectively, parents need to put their issues aside and put their children's needs first. Blackstone-Ford and Jupe (2004) state that: If you don't have children, you don't have to interact with your ex after your relationships ends. However, if you do have children, it's time to put your own issues aside and look at the bigger picture. In order to successfully co-parent after divorce or separation, you will interact with your ex on a weekly, perhaps even daily, basis. Know this going in and make the necessary adjustments. Don't torture your children by putting them in the position of watching you and your ex continue to argue even after the divorce is final (p. 7). To be able to get to the place where an effective shared parenting arrangement can occur children and parents need to be safe. If physical violence is or was a part of the Shared Parenting After Separation 21 relationship, shared parenting should not be considered (Bauserman, 2002; British Columbia Ministry of Attorney General, 2007; Garrity & Baris, 1994;). Physical violence is a criminal act and is not appropriate and should not be a part of any relationship (Domestic Violence is a Crime, 2004). If safety is not an issue, parents need to separate their former role as partner to their new role as a parent. The Ministry of Attorney General (2007) suggests that as a partner there was an intimate relationship which included: 1 2 3 4 many unwritten and unspoken expectations; informal meetings; a lot of emotional and personal involvement; and open disclosure and sharing of information. Whereas the role, as a parent after a separation or divorce, needs to be treated like a businesslike relationship which includes: 1 2 3 4 no expectations unless agreed upon or written down; formal courtesies, structured interactions and meetings with specific agendas; little personal involvement; and limited disclosure of information unless relevant. (p. 19) To be effective in a shared parenting role, parents need to be able to communicate about the children without becoming stuck in past emotions or feelings. Communication in a business like relationship is confined to child-related issues (Ministry of Attorney General 2007). It is a gift for children of divorce when their parents can move beyond their personal pain and put the needs of their children first. In most situations children need both of their parents in their lives. Shared parenting is an effective way to keep families intact. Ricci (1980), is an advocate for co-operative shared parenting after separation or divorce, and Shared Parenting After Separation 22 provides a definition that paints the ultimate picture of shared parenting: Shared parenting is a structured business like working relationship. These parents may disagree, but they resolve the concerns either by agreeing to disagree or by compromise. They keep their child away from their problems with one another. Parents can attend school conferences jointly and events together. Teachers, coaches, and child guidance counselors feel free to call either parent without risk of getting caught in parental competitiveness or territorial disputes. Children can share their lives with both parents. Co-operative parenting goes even further. It builds on that working relationship with an additional spirit of respect, forgiveness about the past, and an easier give-and-take relationship. Co-operative parents truly try to help each other. The well-being of their child takes the highest priority in their lives (p. 118). Mom's house: Dad's house In shared parenting arrangements there is mom's house and dad's house. Children have toys, clothes, beds, pets, and toilet articles at both of their houses. The children have a bedroom at both of their homes (Coulter, 1990; Ricci, 1980). Often, the child goes back and forth between houses with only their school bags and the clothes they are wearing. In some situations the children may bring a favorite clothing article such as a pair of jeans or pair of pajamas that they like to wear all of the time (Ricci, 1980). Coats, boots, snow pants, sporting equipment and other large accessories often go back and forth between mom's house and dad's house (Coulter, 1990). In rare cases, the children remain in the family home and the parents move back and forth (Ricci, 1980). The child has two homes, but do they live by two sets of rules? The ideal is for coparents to work together so that the child's rules are consistent at both residences. This is very difficult because parents have different ideals and values in regard to parenting. What is important at dad's house may not be important at mom's house and vice-versa . Coulter (1990) provides an example: We tend to allow the smutty ten year-old humor here; in fact, I often provide the Shared Parenting After Separation 23 second verse if he doesn't know it! That's not tolerated at his other home. On the other hand, we stress table manners and they don't. We always notice the difference in him on the changeover days. It's always "Don't talk with your mouth full", and "Elbows off the table". By the end of the week, he's fine and then the whole cycle starts again (p. 121-122). A valuable tool in parenting is having consequences and discipline for their children's inappropriate behavior (Ricci, 1980). Consistency and follow through is a necessity when disciplining children. This task is difficult when parents are parenting together under the roof of one house. Therefore, when parents are co-parenting from separate homes communication and co-operation is imperative as they attempt to raise children with values and morals (Luepnitz, 1982) . The ideal is for parents to get together to discuss the situation, not to blame each other, decide on a course of action, and then follow through with it from both their residences (Thayer, & Zimmerman, 2001). Children now have two homes, but they will only attend one school. The distance between mom's house and dad's house needs to be considered when co-parenting (Farrell). For some parents, they want to live as far away as possible from the other parent, and the thought of your ex-partner driving by your residence everyday can create uneasiness. Children having friends at dad's house for his week and friends at mom's house for her week can get complicated especially as the children become teenagers. The closer the two houses are together the better for the children (Mandelstein, 2006). It is beneficial for children when they have the same set of friends at both of their houses. They do not lose close connection with their friends when they are residing at the other house. It is also convenient when children can walk or ride their bikes to have a visit with the parent they are not living with that week (Mandelstein, 2006). This consideration is Shared Parenting After Separation 24 not imperative, but it is a least intrusive measure for children. To go from foil time parenting to a shared parenting arrangement is an adjustment for many parents. Before the divorce or separation, many parents connect with their children every day and tuck them in bed every night. With cooperative parenting, a plan can be established where parents can have daily contact with their children even if their children are not in their care that week. Attending children's sporting events, speaking with the children on the telephone or caring for the children when the parent responsible for the children is unavailable are some ways to connect with children when they are residing with other parent (Mandelstein, 2006; Levy, 1993). Another adjustment occurs when one of the co-parents gets re-married or is involved with another partner. Blackstone-Ford and Jupe (2004) state that "many people find that just when they finally begin to settle into a routine of co-parenting, that's when the other shoe drops - in the form of a new partner" (p. 71). Your children now have more than two parents. Depending on the child's age and development they may call the new parent mom or dad. The thought of someone else parenting your child is unsettling for most parents but in the divorce world it is a fact of life (Johnson & Campbell, 1988; Wittmann, 2001). A parent may feel they are in competition with the new partner. It takes a lot of work for parents to accept that their child now has another loving adult in their child's life. It is best for children when the parents can develop a working relationship with your child's step-parent (Blackstone-Ford & Jupe, 2004; Thayer & Zimmerman, 2001). Joint Custody with an Uncooperative Ex Shared parenting after separation appears to be a positive outcome for divorcing Shared Parenting After Separation 25 families. However, for it to be effective, parents need to cooperate with each other. Many couples file for divorce because they cannot get along or they cannot agree on anything (Turkat, 2002). Parents in a disengaged or high-conflict divorce are more than likely coparenting because of a court order. It is unfortunate when parents engage in behaviors that are incompatible for effective shared parenting because the children are caught in the middle. It is difficult for children when co-parents are communicating by the form of a letter (disengaged divorce) or parents cannot communicate with each other without engaging in a verbal argument (high conflict divorce) (Turkat, 2002) There is intervention available for conflicted co-parents who recognize the damage that they are doing to their children. Some of services recommended, depending on availability in each community, include the following: educational programs, individual counseling, couples counseling, court appointed parenting coordinator, and mediation (Garber 2004). Libraries and book stores have literature and information that pertains to co-parenting or dealing with an un-cooperative ex-spouse. Some suggestions are: focusing on your children's needs; taking some time and working on your own issues; understanding your feelings; working through your resentments towards your ex-spouse; and beginning to becoming a healthier person (Kline & Pew, 1992). Another important suggestion is to take responsibility for your feelings. Taking responsibility is understanding that no one can make you feel a certain way (Ross & Corcoran, 1996). Some parents never get past their conflict with their ex-spouse. When you see divorced parents acting awkwardly (avoiding the other parent) at their child's graduation or wedding, this is an indication that these parents are stuck in their conflict. Shared Parenting After Separation 26 In the Apartments of the Divorced Men The apartments of the divorced men are small, you can stand in the doorway and see their whole lives as through a convex lens, the way a fish sees all the ocean. Or they are large, one room opening into another until it seems the whole white winter sky has settled on the walls. The apartments are not what you'd expect, they are neat as pins, and to enter them is to endure that brief, accidental pain. They are proud of everything, the divorced men, proud of the clean white microwave, the CD player with its growing audience of disks, the futon that bears the furrow of their sleep upon its back. They will show you the photographs of their children when they were young, stepping from the doors of miniature cars, pajama bottoms on backwards, or give you a full tour of the kitchen cabinets, each of which holds an item or two of use. And when it is time for you to leave, they will follow you to the top of the stairs, the door, and stand there while you drive away, their faces behind the wood, the glass— looking like the faces that you've seen in all the papers: the proud, pained soldiers torn from their homes and sent out into the world for a reason you must read on and on to understand. Sue Ellen Thompson Fathers The above poem is reality for many divorced fathers. Often, the custody arrangement Shared Parenting After Separation 27 following a divorce is maternal sole custody. The traditional access for fathers is every other weekend and a couple of weeks during the summer months (Folberg, 1991). The grieving process is different for men compared to women. According to Baum (2003) men mourn the loss of their children, their home, their family life, and their routine more than their ex-partner. Men are problem solvers. Divorce is just another problem to solve, and problems have workable solutions. Unfortunately, the solutions that men fall back on are repression, suppression, and denial (Levang, 1998). According to Lehr and MacMillan (2001) some of the feelings men experience are loss, grief, sadness, loneliness, inadequacy, and incompetence. It is also noted that men tended to avoid professional contact or clinical support when dealing with their loss or grief. Men will often use alcohol, drugs, or sex to suppress their feelings. A prevalent theme for non-custodial fathers is to disengage and become the absent father. Some fathers chose this route because they are not interested in continuing their relationship with their child (Whitehead, 2006). According to Kruk, (1993) the process of disengagement begins soon after separation, but the process intensifies within the first year. Lehr and MacMillan (2001) suggest that non-custodial fathers struggle with feeling competent in the primary caretaker role and slowly disengage from the family. Popenoe, (1996) states that "men are only weakly attached to the father role" (p.184).Whereas, Braver and Griffin (2000) contradict Popenoe by stating it is the situation that drives fathers into the undesirable disengagement behavior. Fathers struggle with their loss of parental authority, and they identify their new role (visiting their children) as meaningless. Kruk (1993) suggests that the disengaged father's access is discouraged or denied by the custodial parent. Shared Parenting After Separation 28 The father also struggles with practical difficulties such as distance, finances, or work schedule. As the father's contact with his child or children diminishes the disengagement process begins. Glennon (1995) provides an example of one father's journey to being a disengaged father: It was so hard. When my wife and I broke up, it was like the earth opened up and destroyed everything. My children were very young and my ex-wife was very bitter. She wanted revenge, she wanted money, and she wanted to hurt me. The only way she knew how to get me was to keep me from my kids. She wouldn't let me see them; when I stopped by the day care to see the kids, she called the police and said I was trying to kidnap them. It got so horrible that I finally decided to leave town in the hope that things would quiet down. When I called a few months later to try to work out some kind of visitation schedule, she accused me of abandoning them. I know I'm far from perfect and I screwed up enough myself, but she made it so hard I finally gave up (p. 15). Fathers who are disengaged from their children often suffer from long term depression, alcoholism, and they are high risk for suicide or violent death (Kruk, 1993; Thisdelle, 1999). Thisdelle (1999) defines fatherlessness as children living apart from their biological fathers. In the mid-1990s, it was reported that fatherlessness was 40% in the United States of America (USA). By the turn of the 21st century it is expected that 50% of children from divorce or separated families in the USA will not have a permanent relationship with their father (Bravor & Griffin, 2000; Thisdelle, 1999). Thisdelle provides the following statistics regarding fatherlessness in the USA: 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. 90% of all homeless and runaway children come from fatherless homes. 85% of all children that exhibit behavior disorders come from fatherless homes. 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes. 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (p. 19). Shared Parenting After Separation 29 These statistics suggest that the above social issues are related to fatherlessness. Thisdelle (1999) concludes that "We need to ask ourselves "What exactly are we treating, the symptoms or the causes of their dysfunction or maladjustment?" I submit the severity of the situation suggests that we treat the causes of what ails our children and society" (p. 59). According to Thisdelle, the USA has recognized that fatherlessness is a social problem and Federal funding was made available for Fatherhood Initiative Programs. The Father Involvement Initiative (FII) - Ontario Network put on a two day presentation in April 2006 that I was able to attend. The focus was encouraging father involvement while in partnership with the child's mother. Allen and Daly (2002), who are involved with FII, suggest that infants of highly involved fathers are more competent at 6 months of age and score higher on infant development scales. Allen and Daly also suggest that father involvement is positively correlated with children experiencing overall life satisfaction, less depression, and less emotional distress. FII encourages a co-parenting relationship suggesting that co-parenting has indirect implications for child development outcomes and builds healthy and strong families. Van Egeren and Hawkins (2004) suggest that co-parenting begins when the child is born and continues into the child's adulthood. Time "Time is our most precious resource. It is a crucial element in forging and strengthening family relationships, particularly with children. Most of us live in the hope that we can grow old and grey with those around us whom we love" (Smyth, 2005, p. 8). Through various men's movements many non-custodial fathers have vocalized their dissatisfaction in regard to their custody order and the amount of time they spend with Shared Parenting After Separation 30 their children. The majority of divorced fathers experience a loss of time with their children following a divorce of separation. Hallman, Dienhart, and Beaton (2007) completed a study with men who wanted to remain in their children's lives. The following three categories emerged from the study: fathers experience of securing and protecting their rights to time with their children, and therefore, their rights to parental influence; view of time as a commodity; and how participants cope and adapt to a shift in time experience following a divorce. Time for the fathers in the Hallman et al. study was "opportunities for parental time, = opportunities to have an influence in their children's lives = opportunities to act out the role of a parent" (p. 18). Many dads want to be an active parent following a divorce or separation. Bourdais, Juby, and Marcil-Gratton (2001) completed a Canadian study that assessed the father/child post-separation relationship from a male perspective. The men who shared custody of their children were satisfied with the arrangement as opposed to dissatisfaction from men who had very little contact. This study found that fathers who fulfill their financial obligations to care-giving had an increased amount of contact with their children. Bourdais et al. add that father/child contact reduces the risk of poverty that many children of separated parents experience. Aboriginal fathers have their own unique struggle when it comes to being an active parent. Colonization, assimilation, and residential schools have had a major impact on the previous generations of Aboriginal fathers (Ball & George, 2007). Aboriginal people have been subjected to having their culture and identity removed which had damaging effects on Aboriginal communities. Alcoholism, drug addiction, racism, and poverty are a few of Shared Parenting After Separation 31 the struggles that face Aboriginal people and their communities. Many Aboriginal fathers today were not raised by their biological parents, and instead were raised in Provincial run foster homes or group homes (Ball & George, 2007). Ball and George from the University of Victoria did a research study (2004-2007) with 80 First Nations and Metis fathers in Canada. One of the findings was that many of the fathers struggled to accept the father role or even acknowledge the birth of their child. These fathers had little contact with their first born children till he/she were teenagers or older. Fortunately, most fathers were actively involved with children who were born later. One of the fathers stated that "when I became a father it took me a long time to learn those things: how to show love, how to play with my kids, how to be a father. I finally feel I'm getting there, and it gives me so much hope" (Ball & George, 2007, p. 5). Ball's and George's (2007) closing remarks from their study are as follows: Aboriginal men in Canada remain very much on the margins of mainstream society with no focused social advocacy or previous research. There are monumental challenges facing Aboriginal fathers and families. However, several fathers who took part in the current study referred to themselves as 'success stories' and were proud of the quality of relationships with their children that they had achieved with little help from community programs, child welfare services, or society as a whole" (p. 19). In an Aboriginal parenting after separation tool kit guide which was created for frontline Aboriginal community and justice workers the information is similar to the parenting after separation program put on British Columbia Ministry of Attorney General. The focus is on the best interest of the child and co-operative co-parenting (The Law Courts Education Society of BC, 2009). What services and parenting support are available for men? The Father Involvement Research Alliance identifies the value and the struggle of connecting with men. The John Shared Parenting After Separation 32 Howard Society Outreach Worker in Prince George stated that exercise and food were good tools to get men together. When he planned floor hockey and/or pizza nights it was always a good turnout (M. Ferguson, personal communication, March 24,2005). Support services are limited for men. Lehr and MacMillan (2001) suggest that there are countless choices of support or programs for women, but the choices are limited or non­ existent for men. Thisdelle (1999) points out the inequalities in social services in British Columbia as there was no funding available for at risk fathers in regard to parenting compared to a significant amount for mothers at risk. Outreach programs for fathers can be a benefit for fathers and men. Lehr and MacMillan (2001) advise that the men in their study benefited through an Outreach Program by sharing with other men, helping others deal with their problems, receiving emotional support, and parenting support. I was involved in Fathers Outreach Program through the John Howard Society in Prince George as a volunteer in February/March of 2005. Sadly, the program was terminated because the funding did not get issued for April 1, 2005 (M. Ferguson, personal communication, March 31, 2005). Shared Parenting After Separation 33 Chapter 3 Research Methodology The purpose of research is to generate knowledge. This study, Shared Parenting After Separation: A Male Perspective, is qualitative and descriptive in nature, and will gather information through semi-structured interviews using a case study methodology. The phenomenon or case that I studied involved examining fathers who are actively co-parenting their children in a shared parenting arrangement following their divorce or separation. Content analysis was used to analyze the data received in this study. As a father who coparented his son for 14 years, I believe it is fitting to include my own experiences, thoughts, and perceptions which will serve as an auto-ethnographical approach to my work. My experience will not be a part of the analysis, but it will complement this research. Qualitative Research Qualitative research can be defined "simply as research that produces descriptive data based upon spoken or written words and observable behaviors" (Sherman & Reid, 1994, p. 1). Qualitative research is holistic as it is case oriented and relatively non-comparative as it seeks to understand its object as opposed to understand how it differs from others (Denzin & Lincoln, 2000; Stake, 1995). Merriam, (1998) suggests that qualitative research seeks to "understand the nature of that setting-what it means for participants to be in that setting, what their lives are like, what's going on for them, what their meanings are, what the world looks like in that particular setting" (p. 6). According to Dezin and Lincoln, (2000); Rubin and Babbie (2005), qualitative research is empirical as it is field oriented, and its emphasis is on observables, including the observations by informants. It is also inteipretive as researchers rely more on intuition, and they are attuned to the fact that research is a Shared Parenting After Separation 34 researcher-subject interaction. Qualitative researchers employ interpretative practices to illuminate the world they see. Data collection is often done in the field which means the researchers study things in their natural settings (Watras, 2009). This means that qualitative researchers are attempting to make sense of, or to interpret, meanings people bring to them (Denzin & Lincoln, 2000; Holliday, 2002). Qualitative researchers "are interested in understanding the meaning people have constructed", (Merriam, 1998, p. 6), and seek to understand behavior from the subjects own frames of reference (Watras, 2009). In the analysis the researcher is able to communicate this meaning to others who are interested in that setting (Merriam, 1998). Case Study Bergen (2000) states that "the term 'case study' referred to the collection of detailed, relatively unstructured information from a range of sources about a particular individual, group or institution, usually including the accounts of subjects themselves" (p. 4). Whereas, Mckee (2004) implies that "case studies are powerful tools for understanding human experience and learning from it" (p. 6). Mckee goes on to say that there are no hard and fast rules with case studies. She compares case studies to people, they are recognizable because they share commonalities, yet remain unique. When doing a case study, the researcher needs to understand the perspectives of those being studied. According to Stake (1994), case studies have become one of the most common ways to do qualitative inquiry. Denzin and Lincoln, (1994) state that "case study is not a methodological choice but a choice of what is to be studied. We could study it analytically or holistically, entirely by repeated measures or hermeneutically, organically Shared Parenting After Separation 35 or culturally, and by mixed methods, but we concentrate, at least for the time being, on the case" (p. 134). Case study research is used to gain knowledge of contextual phenomena about an individual, group, organization, institution, social, or political event (Luck, Jackson, & Usher, 2005). The investigator's focus is on a contemporary phenomenon within some real-life context (Luck, Jackson, & Usher, 2005). The three variations or types of case study are as follows: exploratory case studies, descriptive case studies, or explanatory case studies (Yin, 1989). This study will be a descriptive case study. Merriam (1988) states that "descriptive means that the end product of a case study is a rich, "thick" description of the phenomenon under study" (p. 11). Hancock and Algozzine (2006) add that a descriptive study collects data for the purpose of describing a specific group with no intention of going beyond that group. According to Price (2008) a case can be comprised of "several individuals who have something in common and who might as a result of this share an account that is more powerfiil because of the diverse data collected" (p. 39). This qualitative case study research will be comprised of a group of fathers who are co-parenting their children following their divorce or separation. Co-parenting after separation is a phenomenon that needs to be shared with the rest of the world. A male perspective in regard to this issue will give an account from fathers who are parenting in this type of custody arrangement. Auto-Ethnography Auto-ethnography is rooted in the qualitative tradition of field research methodology (Philaretou & Allen, 2006). According to Bennett (2007), auto-ethnography is about the self/writer as part of a group or culture, and is usually written to an audience not part of Shared Parenting After Separation 36 the group. Porter, (2004) suggests that the researcher's own experience is a topic of investigation in its own right. Fathers co-parenting their children following their divorce or separation is a culture or group. Auto-ethnography occurs when the author draws on personal experiences, connecting the personal to the cultural which places the author within a social context (Denzin & Lincoln 2000; Holt, 2003). Denzin (2003) believes in the transparency of auto-ethnography, meaning that the author's own experiences and personal information can and should be explicitly incorporated into the written material. According to Smith (2005) "by using auto-ethnography, researchers can use their experiences, together with those of other participants, to complement their research" (p. 4). As a father who co-parented his son following his divorce for over 14 years I have a personal connection and passion to the topic of co-parenting after separation. I believe my personal experience in regard to co-parenting after separation will complement this research. My original thought for my research project was the use of self (auto-ethnography) as the only data source for this thesis. However, Holt (2003) suggests that auto-ethnographies have been criticized for being too self-indulgent and narcissistic. Therefore, I decided to complete a case study on fathers who co-parent their children following their divorce or separation, but using my experience (auto-ethnography) to complement the research. I will share my experience in the chapter previous to revealing the research findings of the Case Study. Humphreys (2005) suggests that the auto-ethnography enables the researcher to look inward, studying himself or herself to create reflective dialogue within the research. According to Pellatt "reflexivity involves the researcher in intimately interacting with texts to make some sense of the meaning, and there has to be awareness of the ways in which self Shared Parenting After Separation 37 affects both research processes and outcomes" (p. 30). In the final chapter I will reflect on how I affected the process and outcome of the research, the effect the research had on me, and where I am now. It is my hope that my story along with findings from the five fathers will result in work that is rich, inviting and educational. Data Analysis Content Analysis All qualitative studies involve content analysis procedures in one form or another. In general, content analysis involves creating categories of data and developing rules for coding data into these categories. The use of content analysis varies according to the type of qualitative study that is conducted (Nieswiadomy, 2002, p. 159-160). After participants were interviewed and the data transcribed, I used content analysis to analyze the material. Content analysis can be used to examine information from qualitative interviews. It can combine both qualitative and quantitative aspects through examining the frequency of words or the occurrence of themes (Giesbrecht, 2003). Sherman and Reid (1994) define content analysis as "a research technique for the objective, systematic classification and description of the manifest content of communication in written (records, transcripts, etc) or oral (taped) form" (p. 494). Generally, there are four units of analysis; a word, a theme, a major character, or a sentence or a paragraph (Monette, Sullivan, & DeJong, 2005). The analysis for this thesis identified words which created themes. Content analysis can be either manifest or latent. Manifest content is the visible, surface meaning of the text (Giesbrecht, 2003; Holsti, 1969). Holsti explains that the requirements of objective and systematic methods restrict the analyst to merely reporting the characteristics of the document. Holsti questions, the point in the research process at which Shared Parenting After Separation 38 the analyst may extend his analysis to the latent meaning of the text. Latent content is the deeper layers of meaning embedded in the document or the underlying meaning of the text or the message (Giesbrecht, 2003; Holsti, 1969). In the analysis, the manifest content was used to code the data. The latent content meaning of the data will be also be identified in this chapter. Need for Rigor When doing research, there is a need to produce valid and reliable results. Merriam (1998) believes that research needs to "ring true" to the people who are using the knowledge; in other words to feel confident that "the study is valid and reliable (p. 164). Rolf (2004) suggests that "the rigor of qualitative inquiry should be beyond question, beyond challenge, and provide pragmatic scientific evidence that must be integrated into our developing knowledge base" (p. 305). The taped interviews were transcribed by a student from the University of Northern British Columbia, and the transcriber signed an oath of confidentiality. The tapes and the hard copy from the transcriber will be kept in a locked cabinet for one year after the completion of this thesis. Baxter and Eyles (1996) suggest that an important dimension of rigor concerns the extent to which a piece of research is believable and hence worthy of attention. Baxter and Eyles advise that "qualitative researchers are encouraged to allow the research situation to guide research procedures in order that they may gain access to human experiences" (p. 506). The statements of the research participants were copied directly from the transcribed interviews. Some of the sentences were cleaned up in order to provide a clearer and understandable response, but the meanings of the statements were not altered. In the analysis chapter some Shared Parenting After Separation 39 of the quotes are long, but I believed that it was important that the father's responses not be altered in anyway. All field notes and coding systems will be kept in a locked cabinet for the same amount of time as the tapes. Sample Selection I used a non-probability sampling technique which is common within qualitative research (Merriam, 1998). My sample selection of participants was created through Snowball sampling. I began the process of Snowball sampling when I shared my research project with friends and co-workers. I had two referrals from friends and co-workers as soon as I received approval from the UNBC Ethics Board (Appendix A). A father who was actively in a shared parenting role (access to his children 50 percent of the time) following his divorce or separation was invited as a participant. I had two stipulations when recruiting fathers. The first stipulation was that the father needed to be co-parenting for the past two years. This was put in place because when parents first separate there is often lots of confusion and possibly hostility. The other stipulation was that I was not aware of this father through my place of employment with MCFD. To the best of my knowledge I had no previous involvement with any of the participants through my place of employment. After interviewing the first participant I was hoping that this participant would provide me with another referral. To my amazement I did not get one referral from the first four fathers that I interviewed. None of the participants knew of other fathers who were coparenting their children following their divorce or separation. Most participants had male friends who were divorced or separated but none of them who were co-parenting. Many of these male friends had weekend access only with their children because of out of town work Shared Parenting After Separation 40 commitments. My attempt to use Snowball sampling did not work and I had rely on referrals from friends and co-workers to recruit all of my research participants. Fortunately, I knew a friend who ran a daycare and he knew two fathers who were willing to participate in my research. All of the participants lived in Prince George BC at the time of the interview. Four of participants were not known to me before I began this project, and the fifth was known to me through an agency in the community. Ethical Considerations This research project was conducted following approval from the UNBC Ethics Review Committee, as well as receipt of the signed informed consent of each individual in the study. Research participants received the Information Sheet (Appendix B) that explained the nature and scope of the research before the interviews took place. The demographic and research questions were on the information sheet so all the participants had chance to go over the questions before the interviews took place. Participants were asked to sign the Consent Form (Appendix C) that stated their agreement to participate in the research. An informal discussion with each participant took place to ensure a high level of comfort was felt before the interview took place. Four of the participants were made aware of my insider's perspective before the interview and the fifth participant was advised when the interview ended. The only reason that the fifth participant was informed after the interview was that I forgot to inform him before the interview took place. Data Collection Participants in this study were asked to answer eight demographic questions and 11 research questions. Their answers to these questions were taped and then transcribed. The Shared Parenting After Separation 41 demographic questions asked of the participants were: 1. How long have you been separated? 2. How long have you co-parented? 3. What is the living arrangement? (bi-weekly etc.) 4. How many children? (the ages and sexes of the children) 5. Is this arrangement through the courts or was this a personal arrangement? 6. Have you remarried or are you living with a new partner? 7. How old were you when you were married and when you separated? 8. What was your relationship like with your father? The questions asked of the participants were: 1. What was shared parenting like before the separation? 2. What is shared parenting like after separation? 3. How have your children been affected by your separation? 4. What is effective shared parenting and what is ineffective shared parenting? 5. What changes or adjustments have you made to make shared parenting effective? 6. What is in the best interest of the child when parents separate? 7. Tell me what is not in the best interest of the child when parents are co-parenting? 8. What strategies do you and your children's mother use to make shared parenting in the best interest of the child? 9. As a father, tell me what it has been like being an active parent in your children's lives following your divorce or separation? 10. What supports have you used to be an effective co-parent and/or what supports are missing for fathers as they embark on the journey of co-parenting after separation? 11. What is your favorite memory of being an active father following your divorce? Shared Parenting After Separation 42 These demographic and research questions were created and selected as it was hoped they would elicit rich dialogue and content from the participants. The eight demographic questions were asked to gather and provide information in regard to each participant. I believe that it is important to get an understanding of the participants before they answer the research questions. The 11 questions from this research, were attempting to identify the following circumstances: separation/co-parenting, best interest of the child, and a father's experience. Shared Parenting After Separation 43 Chapter 4 My Story I got married in 1987,1 was 30-years-old, and my marriage ended on May 1, 1994.1 was 37-years-old at the time of the separation. We had a son who was almost 5-years-old when the marriage ended. A shared parenting plan was developed within a couple of months. Over the 14 years that I co-parented I had several long term relationships, but I never remarried or lived with another partner. For the first few years the arrangement was 4 days on - 4 days off because I was a shift worker and my son would come to my care on my four days off. After I left my place of employment to return to school we changed the shared parenting plan to a week-on week-off. We had to change the day our son returned to the other parent from a Sunday to a Friday because of my work schedule in the final years of our coparenting arrangement. Fortunately, we were able to come up with this plan without going to court. However, I remember there being one condition, if one parent left the city, he or she gives up their co-parenting rights. This must have been a verbal agreement because I did not find it documented in the separation agreement when I re-read the agreement in 2010. My parents were blue collar workers. They both worked shift work and my dad was very much an active parent. He cooked and cleaned on a regular basis especially when my mom was at work. During summer vacations, my parents often took separate vacations to ensure that a caregiver was available during summer holidays. My dad took us on vacations to visit relatives in Vancouver or Edmonton every summer and the rest of the time was spent with either parent at our lake cottage on Fraser Lake, BC. A memory that I have in regard to my dad is that he often played street hockey or football with all the kids in the local neighborhood. For most of my childhood I was the responsible child amongst my siblings, and I often was caring for my sister who was 10 years younger than me while my parents Shared Parenting After Separation 44 worked. I believe my dad's example of being a father guided me to become an involved father when my child was born. What was shared parenting like before the separation? I was a shift worker and I often worked nights and weekends. My wife at the time worked full time, and I cared for our child when she worked if I was home on days off or not working during the day. I was an active dad during the marriage and I also knew how to cook, clean, do laundry, and yard work. When my son was young, a lot of the co-parenting was under the watchful eye of my wife. I remember one time after my wife returned to work, I brought our one year old son down to her place of employment to meet her for lunch. I had several different colors of socks in my coat pocket just in case the socks he had on did not match his shirt. For my wife it was important that our son look his best when he was out in public, but at the time color coordinating outfits was not one of my strengths. The one thing I would have done differently while parenting together began when my son was born. He was born premature and he spent the first month of his life at Children's Hospital in Vancouver, BC. I immediately left for Vancouver to be with my son as my wife was still in the hospital recovering from an emergency C-section. After a couple of days my wife arrived in Vancouver, and shortly thereafter I returned to Prince George to work. I am sure that I felt that it was my role to be the bread winner and return to work to ensure that our financial situation was stable. I also probably thought that it was the mother's role to remain with the child. If I had to do it over again I would have remained in Vancouver in an attempt to bond with my child who lived his first month of his life in an incubator. Eventually, my son returned to Prince George Regional Hospital when he was a month old and he spent the next five weeks in the hospital till he weighed 5 pounds. I was working the Shared Parenting After Separation 45 midnight shift, and I attempted to make a connection with my new bora son. I did the feeding in the mornings when I got off work and I spent time with my child before I went to work at midnight. I do not believe that paternity leave was very popular in 1989. However, today I would consider it if there was opportunity because I think it is important for both parents to bond and parent their children during the child's first year of life. What is shared parenting like after separation? I was grateful for the opportunity. When my marriage ended I thought that I was going to pay child support and get weekend access. Even though I was an active father pre-divorce, in 1994 the only custody arrangement I knew about was sole-custody normally awarded to the mother. Fortunately, my ex-wife is a feminist and did not want to be a single parent. She had a career and wanted to continue with her career. Therefore, after a couple of months of getting every second weekend access, a shared parenting plan was established (4 days on - 4 days off). In my opinion the first years of shared parenting were a power struggle. We needed to work out our past issues and establish ourselves as single parents. I struggled with being told what I could do and what I could not do when my son was in my care. Fortunately, we were able to work through many of the difficulties and we became effective co-parents. Over the years we dealt with many issues in regard to our son. His teen-age years were challenging, but we were able to work together and do our best at keeping our child safe. We supported each other as we dealt with his defiant behaviors. I am sure that we talked every other day. At times it felt that we were best friends, but it was parents pulling together to get through the rough times of raising a child. Today we are still co-parenting even though our son will be 22-years-old in May of 2011. His mother and I are providing financial and emotional support to our child as he has returned to the College of New Caledonia to participate in one of the trades programs. When he was a baby we started an educational fund and even though Shared Parenting After Separation 46 we separated we equally contributed to the fund till he turned 19-years-old. One of the many memories I have of effective co-parenting was in May 1999 when my son was involved in a serious car accident. He was on his way fishing with his uncle and the truck he was riding in was T-boned on the passenger side. Our son had internal injuries and he needed emergency surgery. He was hospitalized for the better part of the week. Both parents came together to get through the initial crisis and then quickly came up with a plan to ensure a parent was at the hospital 24-hours-a-day. I got the night shift 8:00 pm till 8:00 am. I remember sitting there during the middle of the night being grateful that I was given the opportunity to be an active father. This is a note from a journal entry as I sat beside my child as he slept during one of his several nights in the hospital. Figure 1 May 28, 1999 i' X z dL s -Y / uS- AS J^-r\ How have your children been affected by your separation? I will never forget the day that the marriage ended, and I told my then almost 5-year-old son that I was leaving the home. He immediately went limp in my arms, he got off my knee, and he went to his mom. Shared Parenting After Separation 47 This is a journal entry from May 2, 1994 the day after my marriage ended. Figure 2 May 2, 1994 'jYut sy Ci t-f ^cy A Jl£ - ^yy\jL . . . . -*sb In my opinion because I left the residence my son has blamed me for the marriage ending. I believe that over the years he has built a strong resentment against me. In the first couple of years, changeover was often difficult when he came to my house. He was very defiant and rude. On more than one occasion he told me that he did not want to be with me. Fortunately, in most cases he often settled down in the first couple of hours. I remember one night he returned to my care, and he was so upset that he had to leave his mom's home because he was playing with friends. He was seven years old and he was telling me how much he hated me and that I had ruined his life. This lasted for over thirty minutes, and it was really hard to Shared Parenting After Separation 48 stay present and listen to it. However, what I do remember about that night is that I let him speak his mind and I acknowledged his feelings. Things seemed to get better after that day because I let him share what was bothering him instead of trying to change his behavior. Even to this day when my son is trying to identify his anger, he states that his parents' divorce ruined his life. I also remember that our son always wanted his mom and dad living together again. When my son was 8 or 9 years old, I was told that he advised his mom that he thought that his mom's boyfriend and my girlfriend should get together so his parents could get back together again. Even in his twenties, when we are hanging out as a family, our son will often comment that he would like it if we got back together as a couple. From my experience children's lives are changed forever when their parents separate. What is effective shared parenting and what is ineffective shared parenting? Effective shared parenting is being able to communicate, being co-operative, and having the best interest of the child at the forefront of the situation. In my situation co-parenting was difficult for the first couple years, but it got easier as the years went by. In my opinion, both parents worked hard at making shared parenting effective. We used to squabble over holidays quite a bit. Who was going to have the child on Christmas morning was an issue during the first couple of years. In the past ten years squabbling over holidays has not been an issue for me. To be an effective co-parent I worked hard on communicating the most important details to his mother regarding our son when he was in my care. Ineffective shared parenting is not being able to get past the pain from the troubles in the marriage. What really helped me was that we were able to quickly resolve the financial issues (splitting of assets). Another plus was that my ex-wife and I worked outside the home and our salaries were equal which made spousal support not an issue. After the financial Shared Parenting After Separation 49 situation was dealt with the only thing to worry about is parenting our child together. Fortunately, I understood that I needed to be respectful of my son's mother when dealing with her in person and when I was interacting with our son. What changes or adjustments have you made to make shared parenting effective? In order to make shared parenting effective, I made many changes and adjustments over the years. I needed to learn how to communicate because my lack of communication is what ruined the relationship. There was no violence or infidelity in the home, but I would use silence as a form of communication when we were in conflict. I never dealt with anything and in the end the relationship was filled with conflict and sometimes hatred. After the marriage ended I worked on being assertive through effective communication. Working through Beverley Hare's (1988) workbook, Be Assertive: The Positive Way to Communicate Effectively, I began my journey in being able to effectively communicate with anyone, especially my son's mother in a co-parenting relationship. Over the years I noticed such a change in my ability to communicate my feelings and the ability to have difficult conversations with my ex-wife. I needed to change careers in order to remain an active parent in my son's life. Two years after my separation my employer Canadian National Railways (CNR), with whom I was employed for 15 years, was moving their office to Edmonton, Alberta. My choices were to move or to take a buyout package. Having co-parented my son for two years already, I decided to take the buyout and go back to school in an attempt to change careers so I could remain in my son's life. My changing careers began my endeavor in obtaining my degree in Social Work and becoming a Social Worker with the Ministry of Children and Development (MCFD). Another adjustment that I made occurred when Sam was going into high school. I Shared Parenting After Separation 50 decided that it was important for Sam and me to relocate to be closer to his mother's residence (the family home) so Sam could live in one neighborhood rather than two. The move was good for Sam, as he was able walk between his homes in five minutes, and he could hang out with the same friends during his week with dad. Another adjustment that I had to make in my co-parenting relationship was when either parent had another partner in their lives. I never lived with another partner, but I had several long term relationships during my years of co-parenting. My son's mother often accused me of being different when I was involved in a relationship. I was not as open or co-operative when I was involved with another partner. I believe the difficulty was in regard to my new partner at the time not being accustomed to having ex-spouses being co-operative with each other following a divorce. For myself, I had to work hard on my insecurities when I dated a woman who had a relationship with her ex-spouse. My insecurities also included dealing with my feelings when my son had a parent-child relationship with a man who was in a long term relationship with my ex-wife. It was hard to watch my son interact with this person. Fortunately, as time went by I felt secure in my relationship with my son, and came to believe that he would benefit from having another loving adult in his life. As an adult, my son continues to have a respectful relationship with this same man who he lived with for several years. In addition, I co-parented with this man as he cared for my son when my son's mom was travelling for work. I will connect with him to go golfing when he returns to town. This type of situation is a lot of work, but I was able to adapt as I believed that this man loves my child. What is in the best interest of the child when parents separate? If at all possible I believe that both parents should stay involved in their children's lives following a divorce or separation. In most situations children want both of their parents to be involved in their Shared Parenting After Separation 51 lives. I believe that the more involvement both parents have with their children, it is more likely they will stay involved when their relationship or marriage ends. In my situation, there is good chance I would have moved to Edmonton Alberta with my job if I was only having access to my son every second weekend. Over the years my child has voiced his displeasure about his parent's marriage ending. However, as a young adult he has an active relationship with both of his parents. Even though he does not openly admit it, I believe that he is appreciative that he had the opportunity to develop his relationship with both his parents following their divorce. I remember on one occasion when he was in his teenage years I thanked him for visiting me. He replied that he does not visit me, he lives with me. Tell me what is not in the best interest of the child when parents are co-parenting? From my experience as a child protection social worker, I would say that it is not in the best interest of the child when parents do not put their children first after their relationship ends. As I stated in my introduction I have witnessed many situations where parents are unable to get past their personal pain and the last thing they want to do is be co-operative with their ex-spouse. Any type of violence (physical or verbal) is not appropriate around children. Even arguments over the telephone when children are present are harmful to children. My son remembers the one argument that his mom and I had in his presence. It was early after the separation and we were arguing over money. As time progressed we knew what was appropriate around our child. To this day we still do not agree on many issues, but we do our best not to involve our child. In the fall of 2010, my son's mom and I were not getting along and I went back to my old behaviors (not communicating). My 21-year-old son's comment was "that after all these years you are never going to talk to her again". He advised me that I was being childish. Fortunately, I agreed with him and I dealt with the issue. What strategies do you and your children's mother use to make shared parenting in the Shared Parenting After Separation 52 best interest of the child? We communicated regularly what was going on with our child. One of the struggles that we had in our co-parenting situation was the parenting styles of the two different homes. I often heard the complaint that it took several days for our son to fit back into my ex-wife's parenting style after he returned to her care. I listened to the concern but I was never able to come up with an answer because we parent differently and it is one of the difficulties when the children live in two different homes. A compromise we made, was that we would communicate regularly what was going on with our son. There was always a private phone call or private conversation that occurred before the child returned to the other parent. We tried to acknowledge what was going on in regard to our son's behaviors, and when discipline was being handed out in the one home. Another strategy that we used was that we kept in close contact with each other in regard to our son's education. We always attended parent teacher interviews together. Our switch over day was a Sunday at 7:00 pm. One of the guidelines that we had in place was that all homework was completed before the switch over time. When the child returned to the other parent there was only a couple of hours to connect with the child before the beginning of a new week. An interesting point about the two houses was that my son had rituals at his different homes. At my house we ate supper in front of the television watching the news. At his mom's house he liked sitting at the kitchen table. As an adult he prefers the rituals that he created as a young person when spending time with his parents. As a father, tell me what it has been like being an active parent in your children's lives following your divorce or separation? It would have been really unfortunate if I did not have the opportunity to remain in my son's life or to be an active parent. It was not easy, but I appreciated dealing with the day to day parenting duties. Some of the highlights for me were dealing with the education system, taking my son to the doctor, and taking him on vacation. Shared Parenting After Separation 53 My son struggled in school and I was in the principal's office many a time dealing with one thing or another. When he was younger, one of my struggles was dealing with my son in an appropriate way after getting the information from school. The first couple of times I came home angry and often raised my voice. Fortunately, I learned some strategies and took some courses in an attempt raise my son to be responsible for his own actions without having to use physical discipline or constantly raise my voice. When my son was eight-years-old I was struggling dealing with his behaviors and being an effective parent was difficult. I enrolled in an eight week parenting course called Systematic Training For Effective Parenting, which followed The Parent's Handbook (Dinkmeyer & McKay, 1989). I would get frustrated with him in our morning routine as we tried to get out the door to be on time for school. One strategy I learned was making my son responsible for having all of his belongings (lunch, clothing, and books) for the activity we were attending and doing some brain storming to correct the current situation. One of the many incidents I remember was when we were driving to school one winter morning and my son forgot his mitts. It was cold that day but not cold enough for children to remain in school during lunch and recess. I said "we need to brain storm ideas of how we can get through the day". I suggested that he try to borrow a pair of mitts or see if there was a pair of mitts in the lost and found that he could use. My son was quiet for a while, but as he was getting out of the car he advised I know what I will do "I will steal Bradley's mitts" and he slammed the car door. I was glad it was Friday because there were only three more days to my Monday Night Parenting Class. What supports have you used to be an effective co-parent and/or what supports are missing for fathers as they embark on the journey of co-parenting after separation? In the first year I believe that I just got through it. I did not expect that my son was going to be so Shared Parenting After Separation 54 upset with his new situation. It took me a long time to realize that I was not the only one in pain following my separation. During the first couple of years I leaned on my parents during the summer time to provide me with emotional support. Then I had to learn some tools and skills by attending a parenting class and reading available literature to deal with the situation. In my second year of College I met a male friend who was a single parent to three children. He had no parental support as he grew up in the foster care system and at the time his ex-wife was not in his children's life. We became good friends and often supported each other through difficult situations. Our children often hung out with each other, and at times the two families would have dinner together. I quickly realized that my situation was minimal compared to what my friend had to deal with. Another strategy I used was that I wrote in journals. I have 4 journals in my collection that I used over the years. Journaling was an escape for me and a chance for me to put my thoughts on paper. What is your favorite memory of being an active father following your divorce? I would have to say our vacations or trips together. One of our annual trips was taking the VIA passenger train from Prince George to Jasper. Sammy was pre-teen and through my connection with the CNR I was able to get us a free trip on the train. We would leave on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday evening. The overnight in Jasper involved walking the main street looking for wildlife and going for out for dinner. On a couple of the trips, my son got to ride in the locomotive which was a highlight for him. My son and I hiked up Mt. Robson several times. The first time he had just turned 7-years-old. We were going to hike Mt. Robson (three day trip) and then finish the trip by going to the West Edmonton Mall for the remainder of our holiday. We were leaving Prince George and it was raining and I asked my son "what should we do if it was still raining when we get to Mt. Robson". My son's idea was that we would set up the tent, go Shared Parenting After Separation 55 inside and put on our rain gear and then hike the mountain. That is all I needed to hear, and we put on our rain gear, and completed our adventure. After four days of hiking we went to Edmonton and spent a few days of exploring the city. After my son's accident we also went to Edmonton to hang out at the mall. This is a journal entry dated August 19, 1999. All of my trips with my son were a special memory for me. In closing, being able to be an active parent to my son following my divorce was a gift. I made lots of mistakes being a dad and being a co-parent. However, I tried to keep the best interest of my son in the fore-front of my thoughts as I went through my days. When I made mistakes, I did my best at making the appropriate changes. Shared parenting following a divorce is a difficult task. I believe that my ex-wife and I did an amazing job raising our child from two different homes. When my son graduated from grade twelve we celebrated as a family. My son's mom and I sat side-by-side as he collected his grade twelve diploma. As a family we are looking forward to the next celebration of life for our child. Some days I question why we couldn't have parented together as a family under one roof. Unfortunately, I will never know the answer to that question, but my reality today is that I have a respectful relationship with my ex-wife and my son following my divorce. Figure 3 Shared Parenting After Separation August 19, 1999 (A. j . ftiz. • ^ J - ^ ' . H S fi M. AM- ^