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02. Paris Hilton

FEATURE

OVER THE EDGE NEWSPAPER. SEPTEMBER 27, 2006

Let’s see.... pretending to
be something you aren’t...
well, she’s not an actress
(in “House of Wax” it
was hard to tell her apart
from the dummies). She’s
not a musician (she says
she cried when she first
heard her album because
it was so good; many
others have had the same
reaction but for a different

reason). She’s not a writer (her autobiography was mostly

~ colour pictures of herself). She’s not a political activist
(despite being involved in a 2004 campaign to get youth to
vote, she didn’t even register). She is, however, the most
pointless celebrity to ever exist.

Originally, this was going to be a vote
for the most pretentious people of all
time. However, once the ballots came in
it became clear people are far more irked
by modern-day pretentiousness than

pretentiousness of years past. However,

we still wanted to-spotlight a few select
snobs whose legacy continues to live on:

Philosophers:

Whether it be Plato and his carefully
disguised quest to rule as a philosopher-
‘king, Voltaire's attacks on Christianity,
or Rousseau’s disgust with everything
modern, philosopher's were a popular
choice. We have to agree with professor
Michael Murphy that Nietzche takes
the cake with the chapter titles of his
tinal book, Ecce Homo:“Why I Am So
Wise,” Why I Am So Clever,’ and“Why
I Write Such Excellent Books.’

Politicians:

Though Louis XIV of France made
headway with
his declaration
of “I am the
state, the leader
to get the most
post-humus
votes was Pierre
Trudeau. Maybe
it’s the cape.

Rock Stars:

You think music fans are pretentious?
Listen to this: — -

"John Lennon and Yoko Ono:

Many people blame Lennon's gar-
ish avant-garde image on Yoko Ono.
After all, she's the one who has released
full records consisting of her basically
screaming, But Lennon's no slouch: he
once called a meeting with his manage-
ment team because he thought he was

DN

the second coming of Jesus Christ and
wondered whether they should go pub-
lic with the news. They wisely advised
against it.

Jim Morrison: He started writing as
an adolescent with an overlarge vocabu-
lary, and never grew out of it (sample
quote: “Like the phantasmagoria, its
goal is the creation of a total substitute

sensory world, The other is peep show,
which claims for its realm both the
erotic and the untampered observance
of real life, and imitates the keyhole or
voyeur’s window without need of color,
noise, grandeur.’ Subject matter consists
of the depression, the futility of life, and
death. Oh, and lizard kings.

Noel Gallagher of Oasis: Has called
Blur crap. Has called Radiohead crap.
Has called Coldplay crap. Has called
the Rolling Stones crap. Right, because
Standing on the Shoulders of Giants is
so great.

Pretentious quote: “Im not like John
Lennon who thought he was the Great
Almighty. I just think I'm John Len-

non.
Writers:

Dickens had a couple votes, probably
because, since he was paid by the word,
his writing is full of superfluous text.
However, Shakespeare easily wins. Lay-
ing claim to being the greatest writer of
all time when you might not even have
existed? That's pretentious.

on this list is sul" pretentious. Though taken literally pretentious seems to mean
simply anyone who claims to be more than they are, in common usage it often
implies that said person has a certain amount of intelligence, or at least appears to.
Compare this with our number two and three candidates, Paris Hilton and George
W. Bush. Certainly they might be called ignorant or arrogant, but pretentious? Ul-
timately, though, we let you decide... any thing else would be pretentious,

# |

1.Dr. Phil

We’re just
telling it like
it is... There
were a lot of
candidates,
but Dr. Phil
McGraw won
by a landslide.
It seems his
down-home
Texas wisdom
just doesn’t
cut it here

in the great
white north.
He particularly
ired
psychology students, who despise his “quick-fix” methods of
treatment that often come off as voyeurism and the exploitation
of troubled people. On TV, he seems to be pushy and insensitive,
especially when guests are lured on to the show under false
premises. But does he deserve the title of the most pretentious
person in the world today? You decide:

Despite being touted as a relationship expert, he is on his second
marriage. He has also been accused of having an inappropriate
sexual relationship with a nineteen-year-old female client when

he was a practicing therapist in the late 1980s. At the very least he
gave her a job, which is against the rules, and was sentenced by
the Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists to take ethics
classes. Instead, he closed up shop and joined

up with a law firm that uses psychological evidence in court. It
was here that he met Oprah Winfrey. It might be easy to write

this career change off as coincidence, but it seems to fit into a
wider pattern. The doctor has had a number of other iffy business
ventures, including selling lifetime memberships to a gym that
never opened and endorsing weight-loss supplements that were
pulled once the FDA got involved. On top of it all, information

on his show about medical disorders have been everything

from misleading to dangerous, according to various medical
organizations. Dr. Phil, the voters have spoken: take your own
advice, and get real!