IF YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THIS NEWS, YOU ARE
SO STUPID YOU REQUIRE A SAFETY HELMET

Over the Edge Elects A Tiger

Over the Edge has a new staff
member, and it’s not the choice one
would expect. Ferocious jungle
tiger Richard Parker has been
elected to the position of Over the
Edge’s Ombudsperson in a close
race with the incumbent candi-
date, the ever popular Cement
Support Pillar.

Parker began his career with a
starring role in Yann Martel’s book
The Life of Pi, and quickly moved
onto the talk show syndicate, but
turned down an offer to, star in
Sigfried and Roy’s famous “Two
Gays Guys and a Bunch of Tigers”
stage show. Which is just as well,
all things considered.

“1 really think Richard Parker is
going to add a lot to our staff,” said
Carolynne Burkholder, Over the
Edge’s Editor in Chief. “I think
he'll really do a good job dealing
with complaints in a professional
and mature manner. He also adds
fur, and stripes and whiskers to the
office, which we were sorely lack-
ing in before.”

“We considered making our
news editor dress like a tiger, but
she was kind of stupid looking in
the get-up, and the growl really

Man-Eating Tiee Poses as ATM

The UNBC Monster Elimination
Squad was forced to deal with a
man-eating tree after several stu-
dents were consumed earlier this
week.

It was discovered that a member
of the species Consumerus mani-
cus, commonly known as the man-
eating tree or “Mexican fighting
tree” had insinuated itself onto the

There was this
guys, trying to get
his weekly beer
money from his
mom, being mutilat-
ed by these big,
leafy teeth coming
out of the ATi

Prince George campus of UNBC
during the summer. The tree chose
to pose as the campus’ one ATM
machine in order to more effective-
ly hunt its prey. Since the tree is
particularly adept at camouflaging
itself, it escaped the vigilant guard
of the Monster Elimination Squad
(MES). “You've really got to watch
out when you have a man-eating
tree around,” commented MES
Chief Eliminator, Frederick Wong.
“They’re real buggers, and next to
impossible to find, unless you hap-
per » catch them eating some-
one.”

Unfortunately, it turns out that it
is next to impossible to catch a
man-eating tree in action, accord-
ing to botany experts. The plants
are equipped with infrared-sens-
ing organs, which are found on the
underside of the leaves. If the plant
senses any mobile heat sources in a
fifty-foot radius, the plant will not
eat. “It’s a camouflage mechanism.
The plants seem to know that it is
a very bad idea to blow their
cover,” says Roberta Plumfluffle,
an expert who has studied the
man-eating trees for the past fif-
teen years. “The trees have
evolved a limited form of sen-
tience that allows them to. realize

that witnesses have the ability to ,

return with flamethrowers.”
Because of the wiliness of this
flesh-eating monstrosity, MES
hunters had their work cut out for
them. Eventually, after calculating
the epicenter of the disappear-
ances, the MES set up camera sur-
veillance of the ATM. “I was
shocked at what I saw,” says
Wong. “There was. this guys, try-
ing to get his weekly beer money
from his mom, being mutilated by
these big, leafy teeth coming out of
the ATM.” MES leaped into action,
and managed to save the boy from
a hideous death. “He should
recover, according to the scientists
who are keeping an eye on him.
Unfortunately, with cases like this,
there is a chance that the tree
would have injected him with
DNA in order to ensure the contin-

uation of its species. We'll keep
him under observation for a week
or two, and if he hasn't rooted by
then, he should be fine.”

Wong also wants to assure stu-

Wong also wants
to assure students

_ that measures are

being taken — fo
ensure that no more
members of the
Consumerus mani-
Cus are able to infil-
trate the campus

dents that measures are being
taken to ensure that no more mem-
bers of the Consumerus manicus
are able to infiltrate the campus.
The one specimen that has been
located thus far has been chopped
into salad for the cafeteria and is
no longer a threat. “If students do
happen to come across any more
specimens, they are not to try to
deal with the plant themselves.
These plants are killers, and need
to be dealt with by professionals.”
Any sightings of the killer plants
should be reported to the Monster
Elimination Squad, who can be
reached by email at mes@unbc.ca.

wasn’t convincing at all,” said
Burkholder. “That’s why Richard
Parker is such a good addition to
our staff. We're really happy to
add a mammal to our staff, we
were really worried about seeming
like we were discriminating
against lower animals by only hir-
ing humans. Actually I’m thinking
of replacing our news editor with a
monkey. I heard monkeys were
really cute, and how much worse
of a job could it do?

When asked what he would
bring to the position of
Ombudsperson, Parker replied
with “grrarg rarrg rar,” before
devouring a passing first year
Business Major, which he later said
he mistook for an antelope. When
another reporter commented that
as a tiger, Parker shouldn’t really
know what an antelope looked
like, Parker responded to the ques-
tion by devouring the reporter, and
then later claiming he thought it
was a passing Business student.

“I’m really proud of Over the
Edge for hiring Richard Parker,”
said Jeremy Belyea, NUGSS direc-

tor of University Affairs. “I mean, I
wouldn't hire a tiger on staff, but
hopefully the new addition will
thin out the gene pool over there,
which really wouldn’t be so bad.”
_ Parker is hoping to start his new
reign of terror... er regime as
Ombudsperson on a positive note,
and asked this reporter to. include
a list of helpful tips to ease student
relations, and really, at this point,
who am I to say no? ©

The first step to dealing with the
Ombudsperson is find something
in the paper that offends you, and
that shouldn't take you long, espe-
cially if you get around to reading
the comics. Second of all, making
an appointment by either phoning,
or dropping in at the Over the
Edge office is suggested, but not
required, since Parker’s time is far
more valuable than yours. Third of
all, before meeting with Parker, it
is vitally important to douse your-
self with barbecue sauce, since
Parker has found most of the stu-
dents he’s had the pleasure of deal-
ing with so far at UNBC a little dry.

Apply on-line!

OMSAS www.ouac.on.ca/omsay
Ontario Medical School Application Service
September 15, 2004 Last day for registering for
on-line applications

October 1, 2004 Application deadline

OLSAS www.ouac.on.ca/olsag

Ontario Law Schodi Application Service
November 1, 2004 Application deadline—first-year
May 2, 2005 Application deadline—upper years

== TEAS www.ouac.on.ca/teag

Teacher Education Application Sewice
December 1, 2004 Application deadline

ORPAS www.ouac.on.ca/ompas
Ontario Rehabilitation Sciences Programs
Application Service

(Audiology, Occupational Therapy,

Physical Therapy/Physiotherapy,
Speech-Language Pathology)

January 17, 2005 Application deadline