By now you've all heard about Canada’s new united right. However, if you’re not a member of our esteemed Political Science faculty here at UNBC you’re probably think- ing ‘mmm. sex...’ possibly you are thinking ‘so what’, but most likely, it’s something like ‘I wonder what squirrel tastes like?” Indeed, why should you, a card carrying member of the NDP /Communist /Green/Liberal(?) party care about this? Who cares about two boring stupid right wing parties that are comin’ together and getting all cuddly? So what if Canada’s oldest party is changing, or Canada is beginning it’s slow decent back into two party poli- tics again? Well... Ido I guess. And you proba- bly should too...but why? Probably because it’s going to have more impact than you might realize. (Cue ominous music!) But now that I’ve gotten your inter- est up, let’s talk about history, so we can all come to a mutual understand- ing of the circumstances that created this situation in the first place... The Progressive Conservative Party, nee the Liberal Conservatives, have roots that run deep into Canada’s past like the roots of evil that have spread through man’s heart. How those roots burn! Actually those hip Liberal Conservatives were some _ of Canada’s first political hipsters, and the biggest hipster of them all was a dude named John A. Macdonald, who, in addition to getting his mug on our $10 bill, also did some Prime Minister thing for about 19 years. He also had a fondness for the drink, his cousin, and ass kicking. Political ass kicking, that is. His pen- consensus chant for death is also still unquenched. I mean, he only died once, but he stayed that way, so he must like it. Actually, the Liberal Conservative party did a bunch of other stuff, like building the Canadian Pacific Railway, creating the CBC, the bank of Canada, the GST, our first female Prime Minister, and NAFTA. Although they weren't the Liberal Conservative party when they did some of that. The conservative party of Canada has a particular penchant for oxymoronical party names. What is a Liberal Conservative? And why did they change their name to the Conservative Party at the beginning of the century and then, to the Progressive Conservatives in the fourties? Because it’s cool? The main point of all this crap is so you know that after 1993 the Progressive Conservatives have been about as politically successful as Vanilla Ice’s comeback tour. In the last elections they got like a 1/3 of a seat. So, they decided to team up with a little party called the Canadian Alliance. But who is this alliance? Who are they allied against? Puppies? Maybe they’re allied against blue cheese. Or thinos? It could be rhinos. Anyhow, I digress (filthy rhinos...) The Canadian Alliance started out as a party called Reform. They were formed in 1987 by a guy named Preston Manning. Preston had a dream. That dream was provide Canadians with a more federal right wing alternative. And to stick it to Quebec. Contrary to the Progressive Conservatives, Reform started to kick a bunch of ass in 1993. The arrival of Reform on the political scene shat- tered that old Canadian political stan- dard of two party politics. No longer could you vote one party in, gripe about how they weren’t looking after your region/ interests/ rights/ churches/ freedoms/ tuna, their whole term and then go to the ballot box and vote the same way again because you’d always done so. Well, you could have (and probably did) if the The new conservative party is a huge success! It cures leprosy, acne and genital warts! It slices, dices and * relieves sore, tired muscles. The _ conservatives win in a massive you voted Liberal, but all of a sudden Canadians who felt right inclined had two parties to choose from! Choice is unheard of in Canadian politics! Well, you could vote for some of those other federal parties, but why throw your vote away? The great thing - about Reform it that voting for a party that wasn’t the Liberals actual- ly worked! So Reform went around, picking up lots and lots of seats and becoming the official opposition. In 2000 they decided that to be a real political party they had to change their name just like the Conservatives, so they became the Canadian Alliance. However, despite all their success, there was always a nagging feeling in the deep in the héarts of the Canadian Alliance’s members that they should- n't be splitting the right vote. That they should get back together with the Progressive Conservatives. A proverbial right wing love in... So after years of beating around the bush, a couple of new leaders finally got their act together. Peter MacKay of the Conservative Party (voted sex- iest man on Parliament 4 times run- ning!) and Stephen Harper (he’s done stuff!) of the Canadian Alliance. Both were fresh, spry new leaders, and aside from a little promise MacKay made about not ever even considering joining with the alliance so he could get elected as the leader of the conservatives, they were both raring to go forward with making the two parties kiss and make up. First the waters were tepid, there was fighting, bickering and it seemed like the parties would never work out their differences, but all of a sudden, all was right with the Right! Actually, the process, begun over this summer, appeared to have bro- ken down into good old fashioned political finger pointing. Harper called MacKay insincere in his promises. Harper was probably inse- cure that MacKay was cuter than he was. Then MacKay fought back by saying that Harper was deliberately ruining the talks by spilling the beans to the media. He also insinuated that So what’s going to happen with the right uniting? Over the Edge has come up with three possible futures!! The new conservative party is formed, but does not gain electoral success against the Liberals. The general among Peter MacKay and Stephen Harper, frustrated by their new party’s inability to conquer the Liberals combine to create their ultimate form, the Conservindar the Paulmartinator! Paul Martin is engulfed in flames! One Party to Bind Them All! he had the better hair of the two. However, they made up, talked to their hairdressers and now the right is back. And bad. And filled with goo. The hot warm goo of two party poli- tics! Real political people regard this as a plus for Canadian politics. “It’s a good thing, it certainly balances out the political spectrum.” Gary Wilson, esteemed professor at UNBC said when he was accosted by Over the Edge. “It’s probably too late now [for the Conservative Party to win the next election] but it could get very interesting two elections from now.” The new party would be called the ‘Conservative party’, and would basi- cally would be giving the Liberals a run for their money. There is much speculation that the right wing vote splitting between the two parties was giving the Liberals a free ride, and that a united right could potentially pick up dozens of seats in Ontario and urban western ‘areas where the Liberals win their seats by small margins. If this proves to be true, the Liberals could have a (cue ominous music) MINORITY GOVERNMENT! The horror! The terror! The bargaining! Accomodating the views of other par- ties? The possibility of working together to formulate policy?! That’s practically illegal in Canadian poli- tics! So, finally working our way back to the original premise of what is this going to mean for you, the poor vot- ing schmoe? Is this the conservatives undergoing a fiery rebirth? Well, it depends. Right now there are too many factors undecided to predict what is going to happen. Nothing could happen, the whole thing could be rejected by the Alliance and the Progressive Conservative party mem- bers. The newly formed party could take over the country in a military coop using nothing but frozen Atlantic cod sharpened to a fine point. One thing is for sure though. You’re not in Kansas anymore. You're in Ottawa. The Conservatives is “eh, screw it.” They stage a takeover of Parliament Hill, using frozen Atlantic Cod that have been sharpened into fine points for weapons. landslide, Paul Martin is seen blub- bering and crying in a corner yelling ~~...“ “It was my turn to be Prime Minister!” peasants rejoice! The Prime Minister's office is theirs!