By Jessica Johnson

With the breaking of a new year, the history of last year, at
least in the world of sports, can be erased and started afresh.
Sure, some of the stories will be the same, such as Kobe’s Epic
and the countless championship games in every sport, but
wouldn’t it be fin if we mixed it up a little bit?

Sports news can definitely get repetitive, so that’s why I want
to propose the “Top 10 Headlines We’d Like to See in Sports for
2004.” For clarification purposes, it should be stated that by
“we,” I mean the sports department’s staff at Over The Edge,
which of course, consists of the sports editor, the sports writer,
the sports photographer, the sports columnist, the sports news
coordinator, and the rest of that great person that brings you
(the reader) this wonderful sports section. (Shameless plug: sup-
port school sports! Offer your assistance in sports
knowledge/love/appreciation to truly make this a great new
year for me!!).

Arc we ever going to see any of these headlines? Probably not,
but for now, let us at least pretend, in the spirit of the new year.

“Sex and sports, obviously. Can a
woman participate in sports without
being made into a sex object? Try to
think of a female athlete who hasn’t
been objectified in this way...coming
up blank?”

Here we go:

10. KOBE BRYANT PUNISHED BY BANISHMENT FROM
NBA

Wow, do I have a stigma against teams that succeed? Lakcrs,
Yankees... hmm, Go Underdogs! Scriously, I have just heard

enough already about Kobe.

9. P DIDDY PAYS $10,000,000 TO PLAY A SEASON WITH
THE LAKERS

It’s only a matter of time, people, don’t ya think? He does cvery-

thing else, might as well fill Kobe’s void.

“Sports are much too shadowed
(corrupted, maybe?) by the com-
mercialization of sex. What does
your average beer commercial con-
tain? Sex and sports, obviously.”

8, MICHAEL JORDAN’S BIG COMEBACK IN HOCKEY

He simply can’t be done yet...he’s only, what? 50? And he hasn’t
played every sport yet. It’s cither this, or a partnership with
Tiger Woods.

7. NEW SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE FOR
STRAIGHT WOMEN

Meaning, we need a Sports Illustrated magazine, minus the sex,
half-naked women, and swimsuit issuc, Sports are much too
shadowed (corrupted, maybe?) by the commercialization of sex.
What docs your average beer commercial contain? Sex and
sports, obviously. Can a woman participate in sports without
being made into a scx object? Try to think of a female athlete
who hasn’t been objectified in this way...coming up blank? Is our
society going in reverse? There’s my mini-rant for today...

6. ANNA KOURNIKOVA ACTUALLY A MAN

Couldn’t resist that one. Really, ’'m not bitter.

5. DEREK JETER ATTACKED BY GUYS FROM “QUEER
EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY”

Isn’t that just suitable? Especially if it was during Game 7 of, the
World Scries, with Jeter up to bat, bottom of the ninth, two out,

7

January 14, 2004

merstedt

Photo Art By Josh

Cubs up by one.
4, SURVIVOR: OAKLAND RAIDERS FANS
Who cares if you can survive on a deserted island for three
months? Try hanging out in the stands during a Raiders game
for an hour, between Billy Bob with the nipple rings and the A
painted on his rippling belly, and Fat Tony with the painted K,
the horned helmet and the chili-cheesedog breath.
3. DON ZIMMER IN A PAY-PER-VIEW WRESTLING
MATCH WITH DON CHERRY
Honestly, I think Cherry would kick butt.

Drum roll please... And the number onc Top Headline we
want to sce in 2004 is...
1. THE CANUCKS WIN THE 2004 STANLEY CUP
CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

‘Nuff said.
And, yes, I do realize I skipped the second slot. That is
because the Canucks winning the Stanley Cup deserves more

“Can a woman participate in
sports without being made into a
sex object? ‘Try to think of a female
athlete who hasn’t been objectified
in this way...coming up blank?”

than one lucky spot on my Top 10. Unless, of course, we want-
ed to fill up the space with me winning a fantasy date with
Naslund - wait, did I say that out loud? This isn’t actually going
to press, is it?