April 1, 1998

NEWS

ICL cutlery found in
Student residences

by Purred Alba

Usually the only things to
fear in student residences
are the socks that the room-
mate before you left behind,
but things just got a little
more interesting at UNBC.

The missing cutlery from
the cafeteria turned up there,
thousands of pieces of cut-
lery, living in the ventilation
system.

“It’s one hell of a problem,”
said Randall Brazzoni in an
interview early Tuesday,
“Once you've got something
like this in your building, you
almost have to evacuate the
place to get rid of the bloody
things.”

This isn’t the first time that
the student residences have
been infested with
Innovative Catering Lines
(ICL) cutlery. Three purges
were executed during the
past year and a half, each
one finding new tunnels and
catacombs that the cutlery
had created.

“What's happening is that
we have to. continually
search and re-enforce the
entire residence, because
the tunnels continue to get
larger and more intricate,”
said the Head of the UNBC
ICL Cutlery Removal
Division, “Eventually, there
will be an entire series of lev-
els added to the residence
buildings that we can turn
into new dorms.”

But students are concerned
about the impending threat
from the rampaging hordes
of ICL cutlery that have
access to their dorms.

“This wasn’t in the
brochure,” said one male
student, “I wouldn't mind so
much if they gave us
weapons of something, but
they just keep insisting that
the problem doesn’t exist.”

Another student com-
plained -of an attack on her
roommate. “I can’t sleep at
night. There was just this
blood curdling scream from

her room and when we got
there, they had gouged out
her eyes.”

Typical stories of attacks by
ICL cutlery usually document
the manner in which the cut-
lery awakens the victim and
makes sure that they know

what is attacking them.
There are also stories of ICL
cutlery starving students in
their room by stealing all of
the student's food and cut-
ting off the water supply
before consuming the flesh
once they have become too
weak to resist.

While some of these tales
may be pure fiction, the ris-
ing toll of attacks on students
is becoming more of a reali-
ty. Prince George Regional
Hospital (PGRH) was
swamped last weekend
when ICL cutlery swarmed
thirty-six students in the
Residence 2 stairwell.

As for how the ICL cutlery
gained upward mobility, it is
believed that the first victim,
a male student, had been
hoarding the cutlery for inclu-
sion in a series of art
exhibits. After bending the
cutlery into different shapes
he had been storing the cut-
lery under his bed next to
plates of half eaten food. The
resulting radiation from the
molding food is supected to
have caused the growth of
the ICL armies. Tests are

pending, but they have not:

been able to get into the stu-
dents’ room to gather sam-
ples, due to the amount of
bacteria that has grown up
against the door.

As for the cutlery in the
cafe, it still is continuing to
dissapear at abnormal rates.
The staff have seen the cut-
lery from residence sneak
into the UNBC cafeteria after
hours and gather new
recruits. A member of the
cleaning staff stumbled
across a graveyard for the
cutlery underneath some
tiles in the administration
building as well as observed
several dead cutlery being
buried there. “I’ve never
seen anything like this in my
life. It's completely bizarre.”

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