January 27 2003

Electign

YPC

QUEBECOIS

Welcome to the DanTV
Election News Desk. As many
of you already know tonight is
election night. We now go to
our continuing coverage of
Election 2003: The Pointless
Ego Trip. First of all, we will
wrap up the last day on the
campaign trail.

PC Leader Joe Clark is seen
here at a Tory rally having a
few words with the Dark Lord.

At a campaign stop in
Halifax, former NDP Leader
Alexa McDonough explains
the New Democrats platform
to a young boy.

And Prime Minister Jean
Chrétien performed one of the
most trusted moves in political
history and announced that he
is not a crook.

The polls have not closed in
BC and we are not allowed to
give out any of the results...but
that won't stop us from making
baseless predictions!

In the riding of Bonavista—
Trinity—Conception the
Liberal incumbent, John
Efford, is in a struggle to hold

2003

NDP+ NPD

onto the constituency. The
DanTV Election 2003: Election
Prediction Centre is predicting
that Efford will only walk away
with 60% of the votes a terrible
blow to him. I’m sure he will be
crushed by his fall in support.

Wait, | have just been hand-
ed something...yes, we have
another prediction. The DanTV
Election 2003: Election
Prediction Centre is calling the
BC riding of Prince George—
Bulkley Valley. It will be won by
the Canadian Alliance. We’d
like to take this time to remind
everyone that the polls have
not yet closed, so anyone still
planning to vote...don’t bother.
It’s pointless. The staunchly
conservative riding of Wild
Rose, Alberta is being called
now, The DanTV Election
2003: Election Prediction
Centre is saying the NDP will
pick up the seat, with an
impressive majority.

The DanTV Election 2003:
Election Prediction Centre is
hard at work and they are also
saying that the Bloc
Québécois will win in York
Centre, Ontario; remarkable
considering that they don’t run
candidates outside of Québec.
And Joe Clark’s daughter,

150 seats needed
for majority gov't

DanTV
, Newspaper

Catherine (wowsaa!), has
won a seat in Calgary
Southwest with 100% of the
straight male and lip-stick les-
bian vote. She has also caught
the eye of your equally gor-
geous anchorman...me.

Well, this has turned out to
be quite the election. As we
near the end of our coverage
of Election 2003: The
Pointless Ego Trip, we will fin-
ish with the projected results
from our Useless Table - of
Nothing Really Important (See
bottom).

And what an interesting race
it has been, with another
majority government for the
Natural Governing
Party...err...! mean the
Liberals. Doesn't democracy
work well! DanTV News will
have a special report tonight at
8pm as the polls close in BC
and the true results are
known. | am Stone Daniels at
the DanTV Election News
Desk saying to all my adoring
fans.

|am Stone Daniels...good
night!

Favourite
e Green
Light Blue
Orange
oyal Blue
Yellow

i

Lavender

PelSloie
—

Where Ever Soviet Red

[04 | Down | Hot Pink |

Aries
Spend time gazing. It may be
that your sights are more con-
cerned with Hollywood than
the astrological.

Taurus

It's going to be a bad week-so
buck up and take it. Whatever
you survive these few days
will become the legends for

The cold weather will keep
you indoors. Take time to dis-
cover fun activities for in the
house. Try baking cookies with
a sibling or close friend.

Cancer

Its a week of travel and
adventure. Your destination
may not be sunny but the
future is definitely full of wacky
antics.

Leo

Prepare yourself for an all out
snow baitle. You never know
when it will start!

Virgo

Beware the person that offers
to sell you lifesavers. It is
much cheaper and safer to
purchase them at the nearest
convenience store.

Libra

With class work already piling)
up, now is the perfect interval
to organize your life. It’s time
to put those intentions into|
actions.

Scorpio
A blast of innovative music
opens your ears to new possi-
bilities and endeavors.

Sagittarius
Accept your just desserts this
weekend. Recognition for past
actions is finally rewarded, just
when you were beginning to
think people had forgotten.

Capricorn
The weekend is full of action,
with an outcome that has
been hard earned. With this in
mind don’t be discouraged by
earlier doubts.

Aquarius |
You will reestablish ties with
an old acquaintance this
week. Time has matured you
both and sets the stage for a
great friendship.

Pisces

Beware soothsayers. The
messages they bring are
unwelcome to your ears, even
if they warn of upcoming dan-
ger.

Disclaimer:
All Horoscopes provided by
Over The Edge are com-

pletely fictional, and if you
believe them you are so
stupid you require a safety
helmet.