What the boyfriend says Very rarely do I reflect on a movie I saw in theatres with ab- solute glee so overpowering that I almost foam at the mouth in the anticipation of the next time I can watch it. TMNT sits within ‘that throne of movies, along side other classics such as, well, the (very) first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, and Ghostbusters. Lets get this out of the way so all you readers can understand my bias: I never outgrew the ninja turtles. Star Wars, I somewhat out- grew (I'll still cut you good if you forget what the “green dude” is named), and while my closet still sports them, I don’t wear Hawaiin shirts as I used to. Yet a few years ago in HMV I discovered that the Ninja Turtles were available on DVD, and my joyful scream was audible halfway across the Metro- town mall. Anyone approaching this film must feel the same trepidation as I did; with the turtles so ingrained into our minds as Jim Hensen masterpieces, the idea of a new film featuring CGI turtles may cause worry and perhaps any of the five stages of grief. With the opening moments of the film, it does take a second to recalibrate your expectations to deal with this development, but worry not as the film will end up fulfilling your de- sire for ninja turtle action. This film oozes style. Every- thing from the backdrops to the villains to the way the turtles can move seem an inspired piece of comic artistry. While the original costumes from the ‘90’s had more charm than the animated pieces here there is no denying that this film looks amazing. The plot itself seems derived more from the mentality of tele- vision cartoons rather than a dark and gritty take on the turtles, while some characterization does fulfill the ‘grittiness’ factor. The over- all conflict of the movie is of an ancient myth of an immortal gen- eral and his brothers attempting to rebuild an evil empire. More to the heart of the movie, though, is Raphael and Leonardo’s conflict- ing ideas of leadership, which is the real grabbing feature of the movie. And this also leads to some seriously intense battles be- tween the two. A detracting point of the plot line is it’s sometimes a little convoluted. The overall idea is well realized but certain details leave you wondering what’s go- ing on, especially during the end where one may wonder exactly what the reasoning behind the rit- uals are. Some other faults of the film lie in Casey and April’s roles. Ca- sey has always been a tough guy to me, but in TMNT he comes actoss as a sensitive new age guy who happens to likes smack- ing people with hockey sticks. April O’Neil, though, is the true smear of the movie, who is totally butchered by her new rendering. Firstly, her waist, which I will agree with Kristy is entirely too small. It is not a good image for the young, impressionable audi- ence. Secondly, and by God this is almost inexcusable, she joins with the turtles at a certain point as a combatant. Yes, she FIGHTS. I’m sorry, but April, get out of the way, we don’t want you there! I think I saw April do more moves on the Foot Clan than Michelangelo or Donatello. She should not be get- ting more fighting time. When the credits started roll- ing, though, I just wanted to re- wind and watch it all over again. It is a terribly fun movie with some great action scenes. And Splinter kicks some [rear] as well. This is a great movie for kids and adults who still have a kid inside them (pregnant women included). This movie did not ruin the memory of the turtles for me, although the costumes will still take the gold medal in my heart. 4 3/4 questionable pizza top- * pings out of 5. What the girlfriend says When I was five my older brother was really into the Ninja Turtles. Since I wanted to do everything he did, I too watched every Turtles movie, every car- toon, and even played with the action figures (Which was only natural since Leonardo was dat- ing Barbie at the time). Before I go any further, | must warn you, TMNT is nothing like the Ninja Turtles that I remember; in fact, it completely destroyed all of my happy Turtles memories with its complicated plot line and anor- exic women. Let’s start at the beginning. Before we are introduced to the turtles we meet April. When I used to play ‘Ninja Turtles’ with my brother I was always April since she is the only female figure in the show. The April portrayed in TMNT, however, is not exactly a female figure that small girls should look up to. She’s propor- tioned like a Barbie doll with triple D’s and a waist so small she could use a Cheerio as a belt. Let’s all face it, if she was a real person she wouldn’t be in this movie because she would be dead. She’s also dis- played as promiscuous since she is living in sin with her boyfriend Casey. I was also shocked to find out that out of nowhere April has turned into a ninja. Let’s get our facts straight here; April is not supposed to be a ninja! She’s a news reporter! The next character we are introduced to is Splinter. The Splinter in this movie acts and velopment. sounds nothing like Splinter! That is not Splinter’s voice, not even close! Also, when did Splinter become a ninja? Splinter isn’t a ninja anymore, he’s old. He plays the role of the old wise man that guides the turtles. He’s not sup- posed to be fighting. The other characters in the movie are hard to describe since there is minimal character de- We are not intro- duced to character personalities, instead we get to watch fight after fight without really knowing who these people are or what is going on. The plot line was so compli- cated that two fifth year university students couldn’t figure it out. They explain the story line at the beginning of the movie, but then they explain it again an hour later — obviously the creators know that the audience is sitting there dumbfounded since they have to explain the movie twice. I sort of understood the explanation the second time around, but at that point I had already been watching this retarded movie for an hour and didn’t really care. I was more concerned with counting down the minutes on my watch until I VER THE EDGE PUB @ April 11, 2007 could leave. So, to break things down, this is a movie with an overly complex story line, no character develop- ment, and scene after scene of fighting. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? The least they could have done was thrown in some jokes here and there to lighten the mood. Well, I must give them credit, they tried to be funny once in a while; unfortunately, the jokes were so lame that not even the four year old sitting next to me cracked a smile: There were only two semi- funny moments in the movie and they had already shown us those during the previews. I had my doubts that the Ninja Turtles movie would be good as a cartoon, and I was right. - They should have made it live action to match the other movies. They are planning to make a sequel to this movie; I just hope that when they are making the sequel they use a little bit less suck. Overall, I think. Cameron should have to sleep on the couch for a week for enjoying this atroci- ty and for making me watch it. I give this movie only 1 out of 5: Cheerio belts. RESTAURANT It’s Time to Take a Break!!! Every Wednesday Night Sex & Tunes Trivia Hosted by Mike Mann Come in and WINTI! 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