Over The Edge Page 2

NEwSsS

Parking Attendant found dead

April 1, 1998

Students shocked (and thrilled!) - Police still looking for tracks

by Purred Alba

The Parking Attendant is
dead and so far, nobody
knows who did it.

The nearly unrecognizable
body was found lying in park-
ing lot B; with several hun-
dred tickets lying around him.
UNBC Security was first on
the scene.

“It was horrible,” said one
officer who wished to remain
nameless, “It was like they hit
him once, he stumbled a little
ways, and they hit him again.
Then they backed over him
one or two more times.”

university, the UNBC Parking
Attendant has been a main-
stay of the campus.

One teary eyed student
reflected on watching the
Parking Attendant check the
residence parking lot 400
times in one day. “I’m sure he
was there all night, too. But
you could never see him
coming - he was always
dressed in black and armed
with his digital ticket
machine.”

Another student spoke of the
ticketing of an ambulance
that had arrived to take away
a student who had overdosed
in the UNBC student resi-
dence.

“He used to come up all the
time and that day, he comes
up and sees the little red and
white truck. So, like, then he

up and tickets it, happy as
can be. It was-so weird, but it
made him happy. Who would
want to, like, run him over?”

The administration was dis-
traught at the news. Dr.
Charles Jago, UNBC
President, held a press con-
ference on Tuesday.

“It's unfortunate that this has
come to. pass,” Chuck
paused and wiped the tears
from his eyes before continu-
ing, “This generation of
Parking Attendant warfare
has been highly successful.

The issue of Please note
Peete Qa NAC it gy OEE
Attendants at “lt was like they behind me.”
UNBC has P . The charts
always been hit him once, he had — obvi-
the subject of Stumbled a little ously been
some discus- ways, and they hit constructed
sion amongst Z : in a hurry,
‘the general him again. Then but showed

~ student popu- they backed over _ the value of
lat i Omm. P the UNBC
Instituted as him sia or two Parking
the defender more times.” Attendant.
of those who Over 21 mil-
would seek to ; lion dollars
undermine Police SOUICES had been
the financial raised in
position of the parking

fines and a further 18 million
had been raised in two dollar
fines for people who simply
owned a Car.

The Parking Attendant was
well known by UNBC stu-
dents and was given a series
of increasingly inventive
names ranging from The
Ticket Nazi to That Bloody
Ticketing Freak. These
names simply reflected the

‘fact that the UNBC Parking

Attendant had a natural talent
for his job, being able to have
a ticket on every car in the lot
four minutes after their ticket
had expired.

“| recall thinking that it was
because he had no life and
nothing better to do,”
remarked a student, “but then
| realized that he had been
selected by the administra-

This is the April Fool’s issue of Over the Edge.

Some articles may lead to brain damage if taken seriously. Do not take seriously.

Shocked students rushed to the aid of the downed parking attendent.

photo by Aaron Mahoney -

tion because of his genetic
make-up. He really could
smell the scent of an expired
ticket from the far side of the
lot. Of course, | don’t know if
they had to buy him
rollerblades to make him
more efficient.”

Police estimated that the
assailant must have been dri-
ving a mid-size family vehi-
cle, simply judging from the
amount of damage reported.
No witnesses were present at
the time, but several people
claim to have seen a vehicle
of that description leaving the
area.

But the main issue still
remains to be seen as UNBC
administration has to make
their most important decision
ever. Who will the new
Parking Attendant be?

Help take the worm out of
higher education and
make learning fun.

We’re looking for
student volunteers
interested in help-
ing with Student
Success Week.

August 29 to September 4
and Orientation,
September 8 to 11, 1998

We'd like to hear from you by April 8, 1998
Pick up an application form at Student
Success Centres or the NUGSS office.