February 10 2003 Over The Edge Page 6 Is the Rest of the Planet on Drugs? By Dan Turner There are many things that happen in the world that cause me to wonder if the rest of the planet is on drugs. I’m talking about the policies, inci- dents, and events that I just can’t comprehend. So as a result of the continued pres- ence of stupidity in this world, I present the things that annoy me and what this place would be if everyone thought the way I do: America. Well in my world Americans would not believe in their tiny little minds that they have the right to preemp- tively attack a sovereign nation, because they might attack the US in the future. Don’t the laws of the United States prohibit arresting, charging, and sentencing a person before they commit a crime? Where does it end? The US Fighter Pilots. They were the brain-dead morons who decided that soldiers fir- ing at ground level targets, using surface-to-surface weapons put their lives in immediate danger and justi- fied them dropping a 500 pound bomb on Canadian troops, even after being told to hold fire. They dropped the bomb, they killed 4 soldiers and they should face the con- sequences. Premiers. Canada’s Premiers have been meeting with the Prime Minister to dis- cuss future healthcare fund- ing, The Federal Government says that the provinces should be more accountable, but they don’t want to be. Why not? Well because the provinces have continuously used the healthcare transfer funds to cover lost revenue when they bring in huge tax-cuts. The provinces are selling out healthcare so they can be re- elected. No wonder they don’t want accountability. -America, again. They have lost every single trade ruling on their softwood tariffs and have rejected every attempt to end the dispute by the Canadian government. Now they are saying they get no co- operation from Canadian offi- cials and are poised to raise the duties to 46%. They don’t seem to care that the first duty of 27% caused 1500 British Columbians to lose their jobs; plus more in other provinces. Québec Separatists. They constantly bitch and complain that they keep getting the shaft out of Confederation. However they get the most money from transfer pay- ments; in fact they receive just over 45% of all equalization payments. Québec is a have- not province in Canada, what makes separatists think Québec can survive out of Canada? America, once more. It seems that ever since the ter- rorist attacks on the World Trade Centre and_ the Pentagon every bad thing that happens is a terrorist attack. When the Shuttle Columbia was lost the Administration had to calm the people down and say first that it was not a terrorist attack. Soon investi- gators will first need to elimi- nate terrorists as the cause of every car crash. CNN. The cable news net- work seems to take pride in reporting a story and then beating it to death by their 24- hour continuous coverage. For months they have continued their coverage of Showdown: Iraq and now it’s Columbia: The Space Disaster. They also take pride in being the first news broadcast to make up a logo for breaking news. Who can forget America: Under Attack, America’s New War, America Mourns, and all the others. Good evening and welcome back to the DanTV Newspaper. Before I start I want to address my adoring fans. Last week I did some- thing that I am completely ashamed of, I was arrested for driving drunk. After having dinner with some friends in Surrey we got out the drinks and during the course of 2 hours I had 3 martinis, 5 glass- es of wine, 2 double caesers, 4 Spanish coffees, 6 Shirley Temples, 3 dozen ‘broken down golf carts, a bottle of Crown Royal, 3 rum and cokes, 4 Smirnoff Ice and 16 blowjob shots. After the small shindig I got behind the wheel of my car...at least I think it was my Ccar...anyway the point is that I was drunk driving and that I am sorry. I have lost your trust in me as a national news anchor, and for that I am sorry. In fact I apologize for my excessive apologies. Sorry. I would also like to apologize to the Wilson family for run- ning into their garage and by garage I mean bedroom. What I did was beyond stupid and I promise my fans that I will never touch a litre of Bailey’s again. I am also apologetic to Mrs. Horner when I hit her dog Pepper and sent him fly- ing across the street to land in the Willoughby’s bathroom. I am sorry to you both. Oh and how can I forget the City of Surrey, which was able to end my dangerous rampage by stopping my car with a tele- phone poll. I am sorry for what I did and I will work hard to regain your trust. Which shouldn’t be hard, con- sidering I am Canada’s most trusted news anchor...right behind Lloyd Robertson, Peter Mansbridge, Peter Kent, Sandie Rinaldo, Wendy Mesley, a t former NewsNet lady who made fun of stutterers. But that is all in the past and now let’s get back to the real news. Former Finance Minister and top pick for the Liberal Party leadership delivered a speech to the Toronto Chamber of Commerce last night. In his speech he “recog- nized the need to lower taxes.” He further stated the process in which a tax-cut can be made. “In order for the Federal Government to lower the tax burden on Canadians, we need to lower the debt. “By lowering the national debt, we have less interest payments to make and more spending money; however to lower the debt significantly, we need to raise taxes. So when the Government wants to lower taxes, it needs to raise taxes.” Well that is all for DanTV Newspaper this week. Read up next issue as we get reports from Danielle Heraldo. Old and Single? No Problem By Dana Schwehr Society has come a long way in the last one hundred years ‘when it comes to women’s issues. We’re allowed to vote, get higher education, and it it no longer legal for a husband to beat his wife. It seems there is still some work to be done when it comes to stereotypes concerning women, though. Last week, it was my birth- day. Yes, so-I’m another year older, no big deal. Well, that’s what I thought, anyway. Then, I got this crazy birthday card from my mom. It said some- thing like “There’s nothing like a party with cake and bal- loons to take your mind off the fact that you're not getting any”. Now, my mom is not the sort of person I would expect to get something like that from, so I was kind of trauma- tized. But it later started me thinking. Was this a subtle hint that I should start looking for a boyfriend? After all, my mother was married by the time she was twenty-three years old. I, quite obviously, am not. Of course, the usual effect of getting married is starting a family. I have never been too keen on the idea of carrying a little human creature in my womb for nine months then popping it out into the world. My family’s response to that is “The more you say you're not having kids, the more you’re going to have.” Now, after my birthday, I have a fear of falling into the stereotype: whenever I call home, my mother asks me if I’ve found a nice guy yet, and if I have, when are we going to have children. I happen to believe that a woman does not need to get married and start a family to have value in this world. But, how many people out there still think that a womans place is in the home with the kids? I think that some people need to come to accept the fact that some peo- ple choose to not contribute to the overpopulation of the planet, and would rather spend their time trying to fix the problems that we have inflicted on society and the planet in the past.