over IHE EDGE page 10 Wednesday, Oct 1, 1995 VICTORIAS CHRISTIAN COLUM - advice on Christian Living Dear Vicky, My dad is a tool he’s like always on my case for something when | shaved my head and got an earring through my tongue he called me an asshole and said | had to start paying him rent my chick got real pissed at him and threatened him with an “83 Buick | just wanna be me and not have to do the dishes | think we should all just eat off of paper plates and then throw them away when they get too dirty just because I'm 17 doesn’t mean | can’t be in love he says | don’t know what love is but | say | know what an erection is he’s a dink | don’t know right from wrong sometimes | don't know right from left would it be bad to hurt him? Messed in PG. Dear Messed: | am sorry you are having such a difficult time with your father, but | am inclined to advise you against the breaking of any of your Dad's limbs or the smashing of his skull. While this may release your frustration it would, nonetheless, put a greater strain on the father-son bond. It sounds to me like you are a highly energetic, but misguided, youth who is experiencing the effects of what we call the generation gap. The differences, and resulting tension, between you and your dad are not uncommon in today’s age: your Dad has morals, ethics, and a social consciousness and you knock over all- night convienience stores. Your father is a God-fearing, responsible citizen who is working hard to bring you up properly While you bugger off with your hat on ~ backwards to de-flower 16 year old girls. | apologize. | can only suggest you join a sympathetic Christian church or enlist yourselve in the army. Dear Victoria: Love your column! | am the prowd owner of 3 beautiful children and was simply wondering if you could re-run that special “Life is Fabulous’ article | read a few years back? My two oldest are teenagers and, like all kids at this age, are having difficulty forming a coherent sense of social and sexual identity. | thought that this might help them along! Thanx! They're in our prayers, here's your request. Life is Fabulous when your face gets all spotty underwear seems a little tight and your spending long hours in the potty ; your sister soon becomes the sight just recall Life is fabulous Life is great soon you'll be a real person! when you become strangely moody start to yell and snap you may need a little booty or a trip to the nearest Gap just recall Life is fabulous Life is great hey, soon you'll be able to ejaculate! when you've discharged your first ovum and you're wearing out the phone you'll be a woman soon don’t run away from home just recall Life is fabulous Life is great hey, at least we're not Catholic! GOT JUNK? NEED JUNK? ARE YOU A JUNKIE? Then you need the Over Ihe Fdge Classifieds! TOP TEN MOST PAINFUL, YES, PAINFUL SCENES IN MOVIE HISTORY 1o. Dennis Hopper has his head torn off on a subway train. JACC0 9. Dolph Lundgren is reduced to hamburger by a farm wheat shredder. Universal Soldier 8. Poor guy has his heart torn from his chest by a killer cyborg from the future. TERMINATOR 7. Steven Segal punches his thumb througti Tommy Lee Jones’ eyeball, slams a knife into the top of his skull, then shoves his face through a computer screen. Under Seige b. Mob Leader has his fingers severed one by one with a cigar cutter. Darkman 5. Poor guy has his leg severed with a pipe cutter. @Dum 4. Guy takes three bullets to the groin. RoboCop 3. Uma Thurman has a syringe full of adrenaline forced into her heart. Pulp Fiction 2. Crazy woman from hell smashes poor guy's ankles with a sledgehammer. [UI SICK 1. Guy has his penis bitten off. Eve of Mestruction Deadiyw Ground - by VINCE YIM, CREATOR OF THE WHEEL AND OTHER HANDY-DANDY DEVICES! TRY IT YOU ARE INVITED TO ATTEND A COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY BIBLE CLASS AT: WESTWOOD MENNONITE BRETHREN CHURCH 2658 OSPIKA BLVD SUNDAYS 9:30 AM COME WITH YOUR QUESTIONS, OR JUST MEET FRIENDS FOR MORE INFORMATION CALL HELEN; 562-3711 mountain bike. Worth $3000. Contact me via e- mail at doverbooo@ugrad.unbc.edu LOST: Cute little tabby kitten, answers to the name of “Roadkill” Reward of $200 for the return of living cat. Contact 665-6318. For Sale: Black Rocky Mountain Blizzard 25-speed mountain bike for $boo0. Contact strapjooo@ugrad.unbcedu For Sale: ‘Slighty used welcome mat made of pure tabby kitten fur, found on University Way. $200 obo. Call eves after OPM at 565-7293 Lost: Wallet with bank card, Visa card, AMEX card, MasterCard, Discover Card, Library Card, Bus Pass, SIN card, care card, smart card, birth certificate, drivers licence, business cards, go cart, student card, playing card, Christmas card, Birthday card. Contact Mr. Jack Karde at gc; n ww = Big Time movie producer looking for a black Rocky Mountain Blizzard 2¢-speed mountain bike. Milling to pay well over $20,000. Contact James Cameron at email: cameronj@aol.com LOST: Black Roky Mountain Blizzard, 25-sped OVER THE EDGE CLASSIFIEDS Are you looking for a new identity? For $1000, we Can provide for you a bank card, Visa Card, AMEX card, MasterCard, Discover Card, Library Card, Bus Pass, SIN card, care card, smart card, birth certificate, drivers licence, business cards, go cart, student card, playing card, Christmas card, Birthday card. Contact the Anarchist International Headquarters. If you think we're Soing to give you a contact number, you're not a true anarchist. Try http:// www.deth.detruct.anarch/IDchange.hitm| Persortals: Attractive, young looking lady, 74 seeks young stud of 26 or younger. Contact Erma at Box 22 (/ 0 this paper. -Tall studly Italian stallion, dark hair and eyes, really really tall, enjoys running thypugh fields of grass, likes sugar cubes, oats, and apples. Seeking really large, tall female with similar interests. No side saddle, please. Contact Wilbur at Box 23 (/o this paper. SWF, 5'2", 220lbs, seeks same for romantic interlude. Contact Grizelda at Box 18 c/o this paper. SWM, looks are irrelivent, seeks SWF corpse, not too badly decomposed, please. Contact a Mr V. Price, (/0 box 31 this paper. SHM (most of the time), seeks SWF. Don't want a relationship, just want lots of incredibly kinky sex without the fear of a sexual harrassment suit. Seeks safe environment to be whoever and whatever | want. Enjoy handcuffs, whips, domination, and flavoured hot wax. If you don't Care about commitments, contact Jizz at Box 69 /o this newspaper. Sensitive-type guy, into religion, seeks female for a companion with which to share poetry, thoughts, and feelings. | prefer really emotional relationships with lots of heart-to-heart talks, and a completely monogamous commitment. Contact Damian §. Lucifer at Box 666 c/o this newspaper.