Over the Edge « February 22, 2006 Featu re 13 Prince George New Hope Society as well. I just love the fund raising. It’s these non- profit organizations that are really making things move. I mean, the money that the government puts into the drug awareness, for instance ‘crystal meth, that is so bogus. You're barely seeing any of it, People like Andrew Burton who so desperately could use that money because they:do so much work. DART, and the New Hope Society and the Women's Center. They're non-profit and they offer so much to community, Instead of getting angry, what do you do, you get the solution and you work on it, you put out there and you contribute, I just love that kind of reflecting back on one another and the societies getting together to get the money. I am interested in doing a documentary that I’ve been trying to reach out for public help with or interest, I hope to have a web- site soon too . One on my life and story, pre- ventative measures, referral services in the community, my poetry, and blurbs on how I feel about my life, it'll be my website. I think if I share my thoughts it will give people, if anything, a thoughtful glimpse into another's person's life story. I didnt go through all of this to not speak up. Some people can, I am certainly not the only being that has been on such a journey, nor will I be the last. It is my journey and I’m a story- teller. The artist within me, the child artist is now speaking up. It was locked down for so many years, and now catching up with the maturer talent that I have, Dawn Boudreau has helped me instill confidence by allowing me to be a part of her student shows, which is really important for me to be involved in, again, community. I'm grateful to be a part of the community, and to the community for letting me in and learning a lot. It's just this roller-coaster of events. The one thing that keeps me, the many things that keep me grounded are the people. For instance, when I was confused about some- one not wishing to print my story. I wrote and asked for support’via e-mail to help me put it in a better place and someone hit reply all, in response to my asking for support and I realized suddenly that all the people on my e-mail list, I didn't know them a year ago. I just bawled, and I realized this isn't about "getting my story in the newspaper, this is about all the people in my life, that’s what it’s all about. If my story is printed, great, because it may help another individual, but these people I didn’t know a year ago, now not only do I know them, but they're now are reflection of who I've become. R; What kind of advice would you give to someone whos in the same situation that you were in earlier? H: If somebody was as sick as I was, that you're human, just sick, and no matter what story you have, it will be accepted. There will be somebody there to hear that story. Also they deserve to be loved. That's it, they de- serve to be loved There is help. They're not alone. I really thought that I was alone. My psychosis, I was boarding up my win- dows upstairs, tacking towels and clothes on the windows to keep out the “thems” I un- plugged the phone, I put stuff on the TVs, anything that gave a reflection I covered, I couldn't handle it. I thought people were coming out of the vents, I had the vents covered, I heard voices, I thought the neigh- bours had laser things to see into the house, I kept hearing this high pitch noise, ringing in.my ears, but it was the psychosis. Psycho-. sis, you-can come out of it too. The ctystal meth is another story, that's such a sad drug. Those of us who use just want to feel good. We want a good ‘The reason we use is because we dont bore a good feeling in our life. Yes I agree there's a predisposition they talk about, but if you're aware of the predisposition you can still avoid it. If you're unhappy in your life you're going to find something to make you happy, whether it’s exercise, food, anything, because were human and we want to be happy. I don't blame anyone for wanting to be happy. I don't blame myself for wanting to be happy, because that's what I was search- ing for and it was my gosh-given right to be happy. Once I got that and understood that, it really helped me that that’s all I was look- ing for, happiness. I turned to drugs. It just suppressed what I was feeling at the time, the emotions, the childhood emotions. It’s all coming about now. Now, I’m out of the storm and onto less harmful but still life's storms. It’s just the story of my storm won't leave me. I'm out of - it, but somebody else is still in it. It's hard to watch, others go back to the cycle of using, but by the same token I do understand the qualified to help. The bottom is 3 _and for anyone hitting it, it is their: personal ‘worst. Then, they'll get help | for themselves, other side. There's nothing you tan do. It's so frustrating. People who are involved with people who are using, they have to back away.” ‘Donotenable. My husband enabled me, this. ig why Ihave problems with resentment, like “how could you watch me do this?” she ~ Don't give money, don't pay the’ bills, if they're sitting outside naked or worse, call for help allow for counsellors or ‘someone maybe. Let people hit their bottom. Unfartunate- ly, the sad truth is they may die. But you cant die with them. Whoever is in the-household is usually addicted too. The household is sickened, and it will spread to anyone in- volved. The best thing you can do to check your co-dependancy tendencies and back off, take care of yourself, be there when they're ready, every time, Even if it’s like 50 times-that they're go- ing to go to detox, be there for that, just don't be there for the sickness. It has been referred to as a cancer, but cancer you really cant help. Drug addictions are choices. It becomes a sickness, but it’s still a choice. At least for me. If you're left alone in it, I think I would have got help alot sooner. But I wont go back there, I won't even turn that page. It is ‘turned, I am where I am today and I got here because I had to go through that. It's one of those vicious things. If one person in the house has got it you all got it. Keep protecting yourself. REBECCA CARMICHAEL After the speaking with Halijo, | had the privilege of hearing her play a few of her songs. She has a strong, beautiful voice and talent with the guitar. Her songs range from deeply personal to lighthearted. All are emotionally powerful. If you ever have the chance to hear her play, listen. Again, she will be playing March 11 at Jezebel’s Jam, February 24 and April 7 at the Kizmet Cafe, and April 28 at Cafe Voltaire. ~ She has a radio show on CFUR called “Sol2Sol Street Corner” between 12 and 1 on Fridays. A CD of the song “Black and Blue” can be purchased at Jezebel’s Jam by donation, Halijo is currently working on a full length CD. After performing, Halijo showed me pictures from her time in the hospital, and the deep scars that still remain. | was shocked at how thin and raw her arms were in the picture. | was even more shocked at the contrast they made with the strong person currently standing before me. In less than a year, she has come so far. In her healing process, she has found many gifts to share with the world, now using them to help the many people who haven't found their way to healing yet. d tried to show him: how to love run away he grabs hold Black and Blue HALUJOWEBSTER = “th COPYRIGHT NOVEMBER 2005 : Isitin sence agony: and pain | My arm is twisted bent and | oro ad And tired of all this weariness The hate not spoken his passed | get His kind gestures are all painted black | have to bounderise counter attack Because I’m Black and blue This kind of love the tears burn through Black and blue Does my mirror image haunt you Oh! His poison | am so addicted to His charms come with a price a heavy due It leaves a hole deep within my soul I'll have to get away maybe still be whole Black and blue This kind of love the tears burn through Black and blue Does my mirror image haunt you Oh! (I'll run away, far from this life (Nowhere to stay, the streets is where | lay For my children | will pray Cold and lonely broke and tired Too sick too shamed I’m scared And a little wired Have to find a ticket to the moon Hey mister give me a ride pull a trick or two Oh date of wine I’m not your find I'm a soul survivor not your ass to grind Black and blue This kind of love the blood stains you Black and blue Does my mirror image haunt you Oh! You say | can’t leave yet then pay for my time Just want to step outside pretend | feel fine He grabs my hair pulls my head down 1am human hurting not your punching round Black and blue ‘This kind of love the blood shames you Black and blue Does my mirror image haunt you Oh! Confused and dazed on the wrong track Trippin hard to find a way back Abused and scolded soul so worn Desperate cries inside wars Keep your dollars find my sense Broken dreams peace of mind spent Standing sideways need some sleep I'm black and blue wounded soul, surviving soul, wounded Soul, surviving soul for me to keep Black and blue Black and blue When it’s safe I'll cry the tears to heal Through...black and blue “No-more black and blue” “No more black and blue” Please “No more black’and blue”