IF YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THIS NEWS, YOU ARE SO STUPID YOU REQUIRE A SAFETY HELMET UNBC Launches Own Death Star Kyoto Protocol activists rejoice By Bob Woob and Jaqueline Roulette o> Stalf Writers Jubilant celebration greeted the unveiling of the new UNBC Death Star this week at the Prince George campus. Until recently, the project was in secret development, con- structed without public knowl- edge underneath the new ‘sup- posed’ medical building. The UNBC Death Star is made of top secret materials at the cost of several billiori dollars, but in keep- ing with the architectural tradition of our school, the outside of the Death Star is done in a tasteful wood finish. “This really represents Northern BC,” said Rob van Adrichem in an interview from the bridge of the Death Star. “Not only does the use of local wood show off our forest industry, but the Death Star also shows the desire of Northern Canadians to let other Canadians know that we’re up here and demand attention.” When asked about the impact of a wood hull on the new Death Star’s space-worthiness, van Adrichem replied by saying, “well, yeah, it probably wouldn’t go into space, but realistically, we’d be using the Death Star to raze rival campuses, and the wood paneling is really boss, don’t you think?” The wood finish is also benefi- cial as it has allowed for the cre- ation of a completely smooth sur- face with no trenches or openings to the reactor core, unlike the first two models. It’s also handy, since UBC is currently working on developing its X-Wing program which will seé fully equipped rebel _ flyers in the air by-2006- The Death Star is fully equipped with all the-modern amenities of war and pleasure. In addition to more than 16,000 gun turrets, 1200 WE bie tes TAPLBSDAILDT acd Fhis is WRORKG! just plain wrang.” — said Graham Stark, a UNBG student in the arts facut- ty “Who are we to build this weapon of mass destruction and turn @ YAARRAghpHtht...” kill lasers, and the large scale CFUR sonic pulse cannon, the Death Star is also air conditioned, wheel chair accessible, and has it’s own day care. “The Death Star is a true family project,” said van Andrichem. “It allows people to learn togeth- er, play together, and of course kill together. This ship'is a community builder above all else.” The UNBC Death Star is also ‘green’ in accordance with the strictest emission protocols. The main reactor is powered by the souls of the damned, which is the new ‘ultimate clean’ renewable energy source. “We were going to go with solar power,” said van Adrichem, “but we ended up going with soul power because it’s just cheaper and more reliable.” “I'm really in favour of the green element of the Death Star,” said a PGPIRG representative who pre- ferred to remain unnamed. “The killing and destruction seems like a bad idea, but as long as we're doing it in a way that respects the environment, it will send a posi- tive message to other campuses -building Beath Stars. You know, _ like, you can still be green while de-atomizing entire right?” The Death Star will be entirely non-smoking, a move that has been widely applauded by many health advocates. It will also fea- ture a Canadarm(r) on the under- side for scratching purposes only. There were a few voices of dis- sent at the grand opening of the Death Star, but they were quickly silenced by a demonstration of the massive weapon's _ precision destructive capabilities. “This is WRONG! just plain wrong.” said Graham Stark, a UNBC student in the arts faculty. “Who are we to build this weapon of mass destruction and turn it YAARRRghpfftht...” was all O.T.E. managed to quote before he was liquefied and his spiritual essence added to the soul powered genera- tor, kicking it up to 560,001 megawatts a second. planets, “We were going to go wih solar power” said van Adrichem, “but we ended up going with soul power because it’s just chéaper and more reli- able,” So far, plans for the UNBC Death Star are just to have it roll around campus and look cool, since the enormous wooden catapult that is needed to launch the new Death Star into the space is not due to be completed until January of 2007. Pygmy Peace week kicks off with Style by Bob Woob and Mohandas Jérgenson >> Staff Writers As everybody is doubtlessly aware, today is the first day of “Rap a Pygmy on the Knee with a French Loaf for Peace Week” and Prince George is really going all out with the celebration. The week, commonly referred to by the unseemly abbreviation of RAPOTKWAFLFP Week, by well... nobody other than its orga- nizer Petunia Gribbleworth, was first cele- brated in 1983. “I felt the need to promote peace and understanding in the world,” said Gribbleworth, “and what better way to express that belief than the brutalization of midgets with phallic baked goods?” “To better alert the average Prince George citizen to the message of RAPOTKWAFLFP Week, Mr. PG, the city’s icon, will temporar- ily have his ax replaced with a large fiber- glass replica of a baguette.” When confronted with the knowledge that Mr. PG doesn’t normally carry an ax, Gribbleworth explained that she had been working around the clock to fashion an ax for Mr. PG out of papier mache, so it could be later replaced with the baguette. “Replacing an ax with the baguette will show the symbolic symbolism of peace. Mr. PG will lay down his weapon and take up the loaf in a gesture of good will.” When asked why the ax would be made of papier mache, Gribbleworth explained the RAPOTKWAFLFP Week committee had blown all its money on the fiberglass baguette. Among the many events associated with RAPOTKWAFLFP Week, perennial favourites, the over-80’s nudist society will be a holding a charity basketball game and bake sale. A team known for it effective use of personal fouls, the over-80's are expected to win the game, played this coming Saturday against the Timberwolves. “It’s fantastic we have the support of so many spry, yet naked octogenarians,” said Gribbleworth. “I’m really looking forward to watching the game. Well, not really, but I support it in the principal.” There will also be an exhibition of international freestyle rabbi-badgering at the Multiplex. The defending world champions from Chetwynd are expected to come out and show onlookers how to really badger a rabbi. Also, in the spirit of furthering education, there will be an Anthropology lecture series during RAPOTKWAFLFP Week. Presented at UNBC, Professor Doris Gibson will be giving a lecture on the mating habits of the savage man-eating tribes of the northern Azores. Following this is a talk given by the savage man-eating tribes of the northern Azores, on the mating habits of Professor Doris Gibson. “I really hope RAPOTKWAFLFP Week will be a success this year, as it was last year,” said Gribbleworth. “The twenty first anniversary of RAPOTKWAFLFP Week will also be the twenty first anniversary of the last time I got laid, so I’m really hoping this goes well, since I’ve got nothing else to live for.” ‘ For more information on RAPOTK- WAFLFP Week, log on to the RAPOTK- WAFLFP Week website, located at www.RAPOTKWAFLFP.com.