Over the Edge °- November 7th 2012 i3 PROS AND CONS TO HAVING TWO CATS JORDAN TUCKER ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT In this issue's edition of the Arts & Entertainment sec- tion, we will be discussing the benefits and drawbacks of having two cats. Write to Jordan about your favourite pets on the OTE Facebook page or at ote-arts@unbc.ca, and we'll try to feature them in the next issue! Better yet, write your own list of pet pros and cons and submit it! (Cats are welcome to submit reviews of their slaves.. err humans as well.) PRO: Two cats are better than one, because one is the loneliest number. CON: Two cats can be as lonely as one, it's the loneli- est number of cats since the number one. PRO: Two cats will resent their captivity less, and al- ways have a buddy to warm up with. CON: No matter how hard you try, you will always fa- vour One cat over the other. The less favoured cat will likely notice, and may be- come jealous, sad, or vindic- tive. Use this to your advan- tage. Loudly make speeches about the grandeur of the better cat, and refer to them as “Number one cat”. The less-loved cat will try to become more loveable by killing birds for you (thus lessening your need to go grocery shopping, natch) or by attempting to assas- sinate the better cat. Either one of these outcomes is favourable, although the lat- ter generally has more en- tertainment value: it's like a free, furry version of Game Of Thrones, right there in your living room! (Caution: if your cats kill each other, you may not sue Over The Edge for a new cat.) PRO: Two cats will fill your apartment with the sounds of playfulness, loud meow- ing, barfing and all-around genial destruction, re- minding you of fond first year residence experiences. CON: If your place of living does not actually allow cats, you may get evicted. Solu- tion: make the cats wear little outfits. If your landlord accuses you of harbouring fugitive felines, become of- fended and inform them that your twin children were simply born with extra hair and tails due to your love af- fair with a Yeti called Raoul. Go into long-winded detail about his broad furry shoul- ders and the romantic way he would dismantle villa- ges to prove his affection. Threaten them with dis- criminatory practices if they attempt to press matters further. Tell them your chil- dren have very hairy uncles with extremely large hairy knuckles for added effect. PRO: Cats do not require walks or baths, and are gen- erally less vocal about how much they need you than dogs. Cats are very low- maintenance pets. CON: Cats are very low- maintenance because they know how to amuse them- selves, and it is almost any cat owner who can tell you a story of walking into their basement to discover a charming nuclear warhead factor and meth lab oper- ation crafted adorably out of yarn and mouse bones. While taking your pooch on twice daily walks may seem like a beleaguering task, imagine the paperwork in- volved with trying to get your cats out of jail for inter- national terrorism. Word to the wise: to avoid self-ful- filling prophecies, stay away from names such as Omeowa Bin Clawden, Adolf Kittler or Meow Zedong. Cats pick up on stuff like that. Also avoid overly cutesy or twee names such as Princess, Dolly or Mittens. Your cat will feel condescended to and kill you in your sleep. Slowly. PRO: Having a couple of cats is slightly less weird to men- tion to potential romantic prospects than, say, a tank full of fancy leeches or an illegal Rhinoceros. They're fluffy, purr, and have giant eyes. All of these factors added together generally make a cat lover appear sympathetic and devilishly good in bed. CON: Cats often feel un- comfortable with change, and will take the necessary steps to prevent it. This can be anything from barfing in a new person's shoes if they overstay their welcome, to sabotaging your date by for- warding emails from your ex-significant other to the new interest. Best bet: for the opening few months of your relationship, rent a separate apartment for your cats to live in, or send them on an exciting Alaskan cruise in their warmest little sweatshirts. This will pay off in the long run, as you will not die alone. Surprise Bonus: if your love makes it through the initial stages of the cat trials, you can begin to subtly change them by way of your cats. For ex- ample, if your cat is prone WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE HOME SICK IN THE SNOW JORDAN TUCKER ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT Learn to embrace the gallons of snot pouring from your face. Make a giant bucketful of tissues of that precious genetic material. Then, when your roommate comes home, dump _ that on their head, or leave it somewhere for them to step in. Misery loves company, and you'll be happy to have a buddy to slowly die with, even if they're scheming to kill you faster for getting them sick. Watch the new series of Red Dwarf: if you're unfamiliar with it, Red Dwarf was a long-running’ British TV show about a bizarre crew of five (or six, if you count Kristine) stranded in the middle of space. Wacky hijinks ensue, and Rimmer, Lister, Cat, Holly and Kryten must learn to live together and navigate space. It's a lot less boring than it sounds, and is actually a hilarious comedy that just happens to be situated in deep space starring acat,adegenerate,a vending machine repairman hologram, a mechanoid, and a computer. Quotable lines: “Fish. Fish.” “Tetchy! Tetchy!” “It's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton- John’ Dizzily stand up, thinking that you should probably eat something, and attempt to make some food. Make something delicious. Realize that you won't be able to taste it and that you're dripping snot into the pan, and go back to your couch like the disgusting rat king that you are. Become complacent in your filthiness. Bask in it like Cleopatra, but with snot instead of milk. Adopt sweat pants and a snotted up old tshirt as your official robes, and hold court with the horrible little demons of all the obligations you are missing for this glorious opportunity. Never bathe. Bathing is for peasants, and beneath a royal member of the grease elite. After you've become a stinky horrible mess, demand that those who pretend they love you unconditionally masquerade this supposed affection. Most friends are fair-weather to a certain degree: tell your significant other or best friend that if they want you to continue pretending to care about their problems when you're healthy, they must slave over you in sickness. Slave is the operative word here: if the lure of your obviously stellar friendship powers being lent to their miserable lives is not enough, threaten them with the _ biological warfare of your snot cannon, otherwise known as loogies. Sit there making threatening “HORK" noises until they submit to your every whim and provide you with all the blankets and chicken soup you need. Call your mother and make her send you a care package of cookies, lest you bring up the traumatic time she failed to get you a pony for Christmas. The people you call friends and family: sometimes they can prove to be_ useful. PRO TIP: If your significant other tries to demand something called “equality in this relationship”, or “non- servitude”, threaten them with sex. Tell them that their impassioned plea has made you feel really horny and that you know now that they will love you forever. Slowly strip your sweaty, snotty sweatpants off of your body (taking special care to leave your socks on) and rub your greasiness all over them, rubbing your snotty nose on their face. Sneeze a bit. They will understand how much easier it is to serve you than to be your enemy, and promptly get you a hot chocolate. The war between lovers: now featuring biological weaponry. Wander out into the street in your pajamas and scare children as you pretend to be a big sick zombie. This will hopefully also extend your sickness, allowing you to continue laying in bed, drinking orange juice and emotionally abusing your friends and family in the most socially acceptable way known’ to human kind. Bonus’ points for commitment awarded if you actually succeed in gnawing a kid's leg off. Catch up on some reading, specifically whatever the people closest to you are reading. Entertain yourself by taunting them’ with clues as to the fates of their favourite characters. Find out where they hid all of their leftover Halloween candy and, mixing it with butter, apply it as a poultice to your chest. When they furiously demand for replacement candy, cough _ pathetically and ask for some water. Say the candy helps you feel like you once did, before the plague. Catch up on some reading! | recommend humour fantasy and someone else's comic books (so that you don't get snot on yours.) Read smutty romance novels and awful murder mysteries. When the wreckage of your illness ends, claim it was all part of the fever to win back your dignity. Happy sickness from all of us at Over The Edge, here's hoping you can milk it for as much as you want.