IF YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THIS NEWS, YOU ARE . SO STUPID YOU REQUIRE A SAFETY HELMET Unrest In UNBC Death Star Forces of good, evil and apathetic fight (or at least think about fighting) to gain control of weapon by Trevor Ramirez >> @ reporter entirely too sexy. for his own good Not even two months after its fan fare filled launch, the UNBC Death Star has brought distress and strife to our peaceful campus. Three rival groups have begun a bitter and bloody guerrilla war on campus to gain control of the pow- erful weapon, leading to the destruction of ‘several buildings and quite a bit of the student pop- ulation, which as most would . agree has become more than just a bit of a nuisance. 4 wanted to build an anatomi-— cally correct snowman in the courtyard, but how can | now?” The Timbersith are the most vio- lent of the three groups. Aligned with evil and lead by a fearsome and terrible leader who goes by the moniker Darth Richard Parker, it’s easy to tell when Timbersith are near you, because you are usually dead, or irreversibly committed to the process of becoming so. “The Timbersith have made it really dangerous around here,” said Eric Chlebek, a computer sci- ence student. “This week alone I’ve nearly been killed twice by errant laser fire! Not to mention the last skirmish destroyed half the lower division comp sci lab... and my assignment! So far I’ve lost 5% of my grade and two lab instruc- tors to those jerks.” Opposing the Timbersith are the honourable (but unfortunately no less destructive) Northern Jedi, lead by Obi Wan Van Adrichem, their dashing and heroically lanky leader. According to Obi Wan Van Adrichem, he joined the Northern Jedi in a effort to prevent the Death Star from falling into the evil hands of the Timbersith. “The Northern Jedi want the Death Star to be used for good pur- -poses, like buzzing those uppity jerks at UBC,” said Obi Wan Van Adrichem. “All the Timbersith want to use it for shaking down small South American nations for drugs and pocket change, and that’s just immoral!” However, the most dangerous of the three groups is the Apathetic Alliance, lead by the enigmatically lazy Bob Woob. Formerly a reporter of dubious quality at Over the Edge, Woob dropped the paper to form AA, as its called by a fearful populace. The Apathetic Alliance is hell bent on using the Death Star and: the natural geography of Prince George’s bow] area to create the world’s largest poutine, and wor- ries not for the lives, livelihoods, or arteries of Prince George's citizens. the AA. Woob’s evil plan involves filling the bowl with giant French fries and cheese curds, then using the powerful lasers on the Death Star to heat the approximately 4.3 bil- lion tons of beef gravy needed to top the poutine of death. “Right now, our biggest fear is the upcoming potato harvest,” explained Obi Wan Van Adrichem. “Once that happens, the AA will be that much closer to boiling the population of the bow] in Chartwell’s delicious meaty gravy.” Despite the threat of the upcom- ing cheese filled Armageddon, most students find the worst part of the Death Star war, as some are calling it is the fact that the fre- quent laser blasts are melting all the snow around campus. >> graphic by Dana Schwehr Darth Richard Parker looks on in satisfaction at the havoc caused be the Death Star this week. While the destruction of the new medical building at UNBC is distressing, it is nothing compared to the poutine-y death currently being plotted by “I wanted to build an anatomi- cally correct snowman in the courtyard, but how can I now?” said Lorna Swartzgoober, a first year Political Science student, as -she gestured to the remains of the agora. “This war is standing between me and the chance to craft an exquisite snow penis.” Lack of Campus Pub Problem Solved UNBC Daycare by Day - Pub by Night - Rocking all the time! by Brian E. Gonsso and Bob Woob >> Fake News Heporters UNBC students looking to get drunk on an overpriced variety of mixed drinks have finally had their prayers answered - a pub is coming to our largely non-alco- holic grounds. The changes started with the publication of an article in The Province that claimed that UNBC is one of few universities not equipped with an on-campus pub. Obviously the journalist didn’t interview anyone who would know better, but none-the-less Irena Drinkonov, the University’s director of Alcoholic Affairs came out with a startling declaration earlier this week. “UNBC is about being mullti- faceted and dynamic, offering more combined degrees than any university, with or without a pub,” said Drinkonov. “We think now is the time to take our devotion to diversity to the next level with multi-tasking buildings, and the Day-Care facility is the logical place to start.” According to Drinkonov the Day-Care Center was _ initially designed as a pub and constructed between the residence buildings to keep the drunken and icy walk short for students during the longest months of winter. Unfortunately the plan was re-for- mulated when, on opening night, the first wave of Neyoh and Keyoh residents went so crazy that every floor sustained significant drywall and vomit damage, and the safety deposit for the whole year was shortly spent in the first week. Seeing as the kids already: had access to more than enough booze when left to their own devices, it seemed economically not viable to try and sell overpriced beverages in the close proximity of residence. The following morning parents ‘started complaining that they can’t leave their kids in the car all day, and a new plan was finalized. The Cow-Moose Pub was converted into the Child Day-Care facility. “Those were the old days, this is now” responded Drinkonov when asked about the conversion, “We weren't thinking outside of the box, but times have changed and we're going to change with them. If it means raising the bar a little on issues of diversity, we are prepared to lift it all the way and walk out the door.” The original and currently archived décor of the Cow-Moose Pub is scheduled to be recovered from the miles. of storage tunnels deep beneath our campus. When asked how long this might take, a facilities spoke-person responded “Well first, we're going to have to find it. We don’t know where it all is exactly because we put it away so long ago. Right now we’re just looking for giant stuffed moose wrapped in plastic. We'll work out in a circle from there.” “The first wave of Neyoh and Keyoh residents went so crazy that every floor sustained significant drywall and vomit dam- age.” Meanwhile Day-Care employees are preparing to cope with the changes. Some have raised con- cerns about the morality of the cut- ting edge advances, but when shown the new plan every doubt- ful person casts doubt upon their own doubt - “I was skeptical, I’m the first to admit-it. But that was before they showed me the full plan. Now I just think it’s a great idea, and I can’t wait to operate the crank every morning.” According to the persuasive newly drawn blue-prints, the reno- vated building will have a pub style interior with a revolutionary new design- a soft day care interi- or that can be raised and lowered, and when not in operation acts as ceiling decoration. The hoist-able day-care interior is made of two feet thick foam padding with a - watertight under-layer that will cover the entire inside of the build- ing during the day. At night it will be raised to reveal the new pub interior.