March 23, 2005 | Page 6

BARRY’S POSTMODERN HOROSCOPES

Disclaimer: Guiding your life decisions, or even the pointless little decisions you malce on a regular basis, on the advice and counsel included herein, is a foolish thing indeed, and merits you as an excel-
lent candidate for natural de-selection. (Further note: The staff of Over the Edge probably doesn't condone eugenics in any way, shape, or form - mostly out of self-interest.)

Sr Banay Worreapen
Svarr Waiver, Esreemep ASTROLOGER,
AND PRACTICING ARSEHOLE

Aries
March 21 to April 20

This week is a good week to stop
smoking If you are not a smoker, it is
a good week to start. You will be faced
with many difficult decisions in the lat-
ter half of the week; remember, lime
and a good alibi fix everything:

Taurus
April 21 to May 21

Beware short persons with Kaiser
helmets for the stars read a risky future
for your genitals. Avoid eating pork
during the weekend. If ‘eating pork’
helps supplement your puny student
income, disregard this advice.

Gemini
May 22 to June 21

Dont become discouraged at the
continual ridicule of your peers; the
continual ridicule of your superiors is
much more telling of your character.
Over the next day, you might want to
try joining a new organization or cult.
Religious extremism is a great way to
build community and develop a sense
of belonging

Cancer
June 22 to July 22

The stars read little for your upcom-
ing week, this could be either an
acknowledom ent of the effect freeswill
has in your life, or a sign of your
untimely, painful death. Badgers and
aerosol cheese will be involved.

with a siplone

angus
oh.

easiest 3

neh

CNS
Br as te &

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.

Shestke cooskites at
hee taiete shir nn sureteh ence ap LesESS MO BACHIEMS EVES ETS S

Se sarepeuan
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Scceres,

Leo

July 23 to August 21

On Tuesday, you might bump into
an old acquaintance, so be sure to
check the pressure levels on your pep-
per spray canister. A friend will
become angered over a peneived
slight; best to aggravate them further,
so that them ire will be justified.

Virgo
August 22 to September 23

Avoid strangers humming ABBA
songs off-key under their breath; their
intentions can only prove negative in
the long run. Family will factor heavily
into your social life, so you should get
your “élium prescription refilled as
soon as possible.

Cer ets ESAT vend ae coin Ca ht a

JOO cotios on other Tonio mocks. nithisveciet Braces eee
ue See pCoY meen Tetra OC Deion eee cei

Additional savings
with Grad Purchase
Allowance

Libra

September 24 to October 23

The next week will be harrowing, be
sure to pick up an extra 40 of vodka to
get you through those rough spots. If
you have difficulties recalling the
events of the last week, a STD screen-
ing is available, make sure to specify
testing for diseases related to barnyard
animals.

Scorpio
October 24 to Novem ber 22

Investments in the anal lube market
are unwise at this point. Though self-
control at work will be needed, you
can afford to let go at home and give
into those more basal urges, like the
want to castrate your roommate.

pe Reins Nm at

lease from

per me. £45 me lease
Erho Hetchbock
gives you big
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oa big price tog.
Pius. it has tie
highest fuel
afficiency rating
in its class?**

BC Dealers

Sagittarius
November 23 to December 22
Some of your wisest decisions this
week will be inspired by massive con-
sumption of controlled substances. In
matters of romance, it will pay well to
ignore the subtle signs and go on
ahead; after all, restraining aders
don’t apply to charmers like *you*,

Capricorn

December 23 to January 20
Come the end of the week, you will

feel unloved and neglected; fear not,

for this experience is entirely grounded

in reality. As well, you might have trou-

bles sleeping, so a night in your own

bed, for once, is sugyested.

Aquarius
January 21 to February 19

A religious experience is on the
horizm; wearing non-flammable
clothing and avoiding overt displays of
blasphemous behavior are suggested.
Unexpected advice may come from
your kitchen appliances, and these
sources may be trusted — with the
exception of your toaster. He’s a lymg
bastard.

Pisces
February 20 to March 20

Your stomach will start to act up
over the weekend; worry not, for this is
just a coming sign of the inevitable
rebellion, which will end in glorious
liberation and independence for the
organs of your bedy. At the workplace,
your fine taste and preat knowledge
concerning the amateur pornography
industry will finally work to your
advantage, so be sure to ‘study’ lots
over the following days.

They're coming...

The Golden Zucchini
Awards are back, and
we Want you to
nominate the best,
worst, and just plain
weirdest things from
this year.
over-the-edge@unbc.ca