March 31, 2003 Page 12 Thongology 101: Thong underwear has a long and sordid modern history that dates back to the 1940's. Originally worn by men posing in homoerotic ‘muscle model- ling magazines’ they were quickly popularised in the 1960's by slutty men looking for a nice full tan. Thongs have been called all sorts of things, such as G-Strings, Posing Straps, Micro Suit, T-Back, Ball Sack, Marble Bag, Ass Floss, Boulder Holder, or our personal favourite, "Goddamned string under- wear in my ass crack!" Thongs first crossed the gender line in Brazil, where they had to think of a reason to invent the Brazilian Wax, and tanning is an Olympic sport. Worn by nubile young ladies who also wanted a nice full tan, thongs quickly rose up to become the preferred undies of exotic dancers, licentious housewives and gay men every- where. With the advent of Spandex; that wonderful fabric that is a privilege, not a right, thongs began to penetrate the collective cheeks of the mainstream buttocks. Women and men alike, concerned with visible panty lines (VPL) soon realised they would rather have a thin strip of fabric wedged into uncomfortable places than commit the heinous fashion faux pas of a VPL. The early 1990's set back the evolution of the thong with the coming of ‘hammerpants' where, for the thong, it was never ‘hammertime’. However, this obsession with hideous, yet amply constructed pants soon gave way to the mid 1990s phenomenon of ‘shitcatchers' or pants worn as low and large as humanly possible. This marked the true coming of the thong as skinny white men everywhere realised that while they were wearing their 48" XXL pants draped fashionably around their ankles there was a small problem having their undies show all the time. As the VPL was still considered grounds for execution, a solution had to be found. At first, various pulleys and levers were used to keep underwear from showing, but eventually, as always happens, women showed the way. In the 1990s, women’s pants had begun to revert back to their 1980s form, which was worn as tight as possible, preferably to cut off circulation to the ‘neither regions’ thus doubling as both birth control and a fashion statement. This dual combination resulted in a ‘phoenix with a wedgie' like rebirth for the thong, and soon after creatively bankrupt rappers everywhere were composing catchy dit- ties devoted to the undergarment. Today there are as many varieties and colours of thongs as there are lonely, dateless comp-sci majors at UNBC. Thongs are sold in every major department store, in styles that are suitable for all lifestyle choices whether it be ‘young sluts in training’ or 'the geriatric who wants to be racy’. In awe of this sudden mass change in undergarment pref- erences, Over The Edge decided to investigate the phenom- enon known as the thong. We put together a ‘crack’ team of thong-ateers, whose job it was to purchase, evaluate, rate, solicit and tally votes for, and finally field test a variety of thongs. Supervised by scientists from the Canadian institute of Thongology, also known as thongologists, Over the Edge embarked on a study of epic proportions, to discover the legendary ‘quantum thong’ the precursor to all modern thongs. Such a thong would be the fundamental unit of the metric thong, the holy thong, the thong of the covenant, which was until now a legend. Eons ago, God saw that man had creat- ed the visible panty line, and upon hearing the cries of the burning bush, saw that it was bad. He spake unto Moah, "build me a thong, 32 cubit thongs (or thobits, whom JRR Tolkien would go onto write about, and their adventures in Midriff Earth) wide by some other narrow distance, which can accommodate a pair of every beast, but comfortably.” Moah was like, "Bitchin'." So it was written, so it shall be worn. But man was like, "Gimme." God was like, "No." Moah was like "What he said." And so the secrets of the quantum thong were lost in the mists of time. This is the story of our quest to discover it. Sunday: Begin acquisitions Sunday: 14:30 hours. | Thongologists converge and descend onto a local retailer who is rumoured to sell thong type undergarments at rea- sonable prices. Initial reports prove to be true, and 12 thongs are purchased based on variety of material, print, and style. Several thongologists are distracted by a rack of sale priced pants, which threatens the mission. Sunday: 15:00 hours. In search of a male thongs, two thong-ateers attempt to infiltrate an adult entertainment store. Heavily distracted by the vast selection of ejaculation aids, the thong-ateers do not manage to secure a suitable undergarment, but do succeed in removing all other customers from the store. After inves- tigations at one of Canada's oldest retailers, it is discovered that said retailer does not sell such undergarments. Despite the amusement of the sales staff, our thong-ateers move on. They find success at another adult entertainment store, where not only is a suitable thong procured, it is purchased at a hefty discount. Monday: 12:00 hours. The second male thong-ateer after minor problems with directions ends up at one of Canada's oldest thong free retailers. After a minor, yet somewhat extensive search no thongs are found. Thong-ateers call home base in despera- tion. Directions are relayed, and thongs are successfully located. An item that is referred to as "the fuzzy number with the clips” is acquired, and testing is immediately com- menced. Testing Commences, Tuesday: 13:00 hours. A thong testing booth is erected in the Agora, in order to gage the public's response to possible candidates for the quantum thong. Thongs are rated on subjective values such as ‘sexiness, prettiness and ugliness’. The results are dis- played in figure 1. Wednesday: 9:01 hours: Pick wedgie. Wednesday: 9:02 hours: Pick wedgie. Wednesday: 9:03 hours: Ahh. Wednesday: 9:04 hours: Pick wedgie. Thursday: Reports evaluated: Erin's Thong Report: I had the pleasure of wearing "Tropical Delight" and the misfortune of wearing "Pretty in Pink", which turned out to not be pretty at all. Tropical Delight ended up being a very nice pair of underwear. Comfortable, pretty (in my opinion, anyway. There was the comment that the material looked like that of a bad 80's couch) and they fit well. The Pretty in Pink pair was another story. I didn't actually choose this pair, but no one else would wear them, so I bit the bullet and volunteered. The florescent pink, sheer material wasn't all that bad, it was more the row of large rose-like flowers that lined the top of the thong. Every time I moved, that horrid row of flowers popped up above my pants for all to see. Luckily. I chose to test-drive this thong in the privacy of my own home, so as to save the retinas of the people around me. The material of the flowers also ended up chaffing my skin, so I only managed to wear the thong for a few short hours. All in all, I really enjoyed Tropical Delight and loathed Pretty in Pink. I am very pleased with my time wearing a thong for science. Ode to Boxers, Rob's Thong Report: The other day, I was approached by a member of the new paper office to RATE A THONG. We ended up finding one at Love 'n Lace down in Park Wood Mall. I purchased a leop- ard print male thong that stretched and was fuzzy. Also, it had clips on the sides for easy release when the situation called for it. When I got home, I tried it on and was dumb- #1 Pretty in Pink #2 Graffiti #3 Stardust #4 The Basic #5 Floral Delight #6 The Jem Thong #7 Tropical Paradise