Octoser 8, 2003 | : | CULTURE 19
Adventures Abroad! The Tales of an

Movie Reviews

Once Upon A Time In
Mexico

Sob)
SEPTEMBER 12

By William Hull

Let’s begin by saying that I have
nothing against Mexican people,
Mexican culture, Mexican film,
small bug-eyed Mexican dogs,
Americans in Mexico, Willam
DaFoe tanned to make him look
Mexican, Mexican police, corrupt
Mexican police, Mexican cartels,
the Mexican armies, or dead peo-
ple. ,

That having been said, let’s get
to the review.

This horrific butchering of
writer/director Robert Rodriguez’
storyline (ironically enough
mauled by Rodriguez himself)
- stars Johnny Depp, the man whose
morbidly humorous character and
acting are pretty much the only
thing preventing moviegoers from
rioting. It also stars Antonio
Banderas, Salma Hayek (who has
a whopping fifteen minutes or so
of screen time, and in half of that,
she’s dead), and Enrique Iglesias
(coming to remind us why he’s a
singer, not an actor, and also
reminding us why the prissy
momma’s boy type usually isn’t
portrayed holding a gun).

Alright... now where to start.
The acting was good - this high-
budget flick managed to rope in
far more stars than it deserved.

The plotline was predictable.
The characters were two-dimen-
sional.. Even when a character
changes and ‘shows their true
face’, we still see that they’re two-
dimensional. Evil people are com-
pletely evil, good people are com-
pletely good. The only one who
seems to show the least bit of com-
plexity is an FBI agent whose actor
doesn’t even appear in the
reviews.

The attempt at a love story was
pathetic, the storyline is full of
gaping logical holes (such as,
“Where the hell did that come
from”, “Why the hell would they
do that?”, and, the classical ques-
tion that one always asks during
all craptastic action flicks, “Where
the hell did those motorcycles
come from?”), and the action
sequences were simply ruined by
action-movie cliches and thou-
sands of generic bad guys popping
out of nowhere for no apparent
reason, shooting two dozen
rounds at the wall behind the pro-

tagonist, and then getting his head
blown off by a behind-the-back
shot from our humble action hero.

They say a picture is worth a
thousand words. I’m seriously
considering replacing my review
of this with a picture of my ass.

*
Underworld

=, SEPTEMBER 19
ees

By Stephanie Morgan

Underworld is yet another tes-
tament to Hollywood's propensity
to overdo in special effects what
can’t be done in plot. It’s hideous-
ly overdone in some parts, and
most of the death scenes are so
tacky as to be laughable. The
movie itself had a barely discern-
ing plot that was brought together
rather haphazardly, however, it
still manages to (barely) hold onto
it’s audience with sheer shock and
gore,

Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is a
vampire that kills any lycanthrope
(werewolf) she can get her hands
on...that is until she meets Michael
Corvin (Scott Speedman) who
leads her towards breaking the
covenant that has existed between
vampires and lycans for centuries.
When she finds herself falling in
love with him, she throws away
the need for avenge her family
that was killed by the lycans so
many years ago. Or so she thinks.

It tried a rather poorly done film
nor effect, that failed rather
hideously as they ended up sim-
ply adding melodramatic shad-
ows to the very dingy lycan
sphere. The vampires’ castle sim-
ply looks redundantly pale, with
random colour being interspersed
with the lack of colour randomly.

There is a plethora of randomly
inserted characters (most of whom
are laughable) but the movie itself
definitely answers to our basic
movie going needs. It is filled with
characters that are ‘laughable in
their superficiality and the battle
scenes look like they are from
some oddly re-done version of
Killer Instinct 3\for SNES.

It ended in the traditionally
clichéd cliffhanger, leaving a very
wide opening for a sequel. How
good the sequel will be is always
questionable.

The movie was fun for a laugh,
but nothing serious really hap-
pens.

ak

Exchange Student in Japan

By Jamie Jeans

It was not until after 1 had finished unpacking,
around eight thirty, Wednesday morning, October 1,
that the realization of the situation smashed through
my jetlagged brain that I was in Japan, and would be
here for a whole year, far away from friends and
family. It was horrible, this feeling of being afloat
with no way to truly support myself, and it was with
some effort that I was able to fight down the panic
and make it through my first day. To someone as
independent as me, it was a hard thing to deal with,
and harder still to accept and move on. Fortunately,
I later meet Natsuko-san, which brought me some

_ reassurance that I was not as alone as | thought I

was, and after an afternoon of shopping with Chris,
the other UNBC exchange student, I was soon back
to my old self. Packing up the groceries and cleaning
supplies in my dorm room completed the process
and left me tired, happy, and excited to have the
chance to live in another country and experience
their culture and language first hand.

But it was a hard learning experience, the kind
which builds character of course, and from which I
was able to put together a number of rules that
everyone should at least read and take note of if they
should ever decide to do the same as I.

1. Dress lightly. It is hot and humid in Japan, with
an average temperature of twenty degrees Celsius.
Cotton shirts and jeans will leave you hot and

sweaty within ‘minutes of going outside.

2. Bring plenty of money. Things are expensive in
Japan, and as it will take some time to get your alien
registration card, you will be unable to open a bank
account and get financial assistance from back home.
You need said card to open a bank account, and it
takes about three weeks to process.

3. Get Sleep. As there is a huge 16-hour difference
between Canada and Japan, you will need the sleep
to put off jetlag as much as possible and also to make
the flight over go very quickly. It is ten hours long,
and very very boring, even with the movies.

4. Do not be afraid to be afraid. You are in another
country and don*t know a damned thing about it, so
do not worry. This feeling will fade and bringing
some trinkets from home will help to ease any panic.
you may feel.

5. Pack Lightly. You will be waiting in line at the
airport, since you are not the only foreigner to be
entering Japan, and it will be a long line up at the
passport gate unless you were able to get in early. I
did, and even then, it took me an hour, in which time
the female Buddhist monks were sweating as much
as I from the lack of air conditioning.

Those are just a few rules to help you get rey with
more to follow as I experience life here in Japan.
Wish me luck, and I shall do the same for you should
you ever decide to do the same as I had.

And Now, Over The Edge Presents
To You, Absolutely Nothing!

By William Hull

What is “filler”, really? Some
would define it in the “paper biz”
as being fluff—something about
which nobody really cares, used
simply to fill up an empty space
that another reporter failed to fill
with their news and reviews. So
does that make filler-writers less
paper-like than the regular
reporters? This is a question that
I’ve been pondering since finish-
ing my last review (read it in the
reviews section—unless it’s been
cut out, in which case I’m going to
cry like a little girl with a skinned
knee). Is my contribution appre-
ciated more or less by our reader-
ship than the other, slightly less...
fake... columns? Does one read a
school paper for news, or does
one read it for all the inept bug-
gery contained within the spoofs,
jokes, comics, etceteras that are
frowned upon in the journalistic
communities?

The way I look at it, university
is an institution of learning. What
do you think that full-time ‘learn-
ers’ want to read about more in
their free time—deep, socially rel-

evant analysis, or pointless, fun
commentary? Aside from UNBC
and Prince. George-specific
reports regarding NUGGS, PG
bussing, residence and the likes,
does anyone really care about
what a bunch of lowly student-

“Does one read a
school paper for news,
or does one read it for
all the inept buggery
contained within the
spoofs, jokes, comics,
etceteras that are
frowned upon in the
journalistic communi-
ties?”

level news minions can find out
about the outside world? I’m led
to believe, based upon the mind-
set of most students, that those
who enjoy the paper appreciate it
specifically because it is, accord-
ing to pressed-and-polished jour-
nalistic standards, a_ horrible
paper. The journalists wedge in

their own opinions on a regular
basis by offering commentary on
the state of affairs in the form of
rants and suggestions instead of
working their views in with the
‘truth’ of the story to slant the per-
ceptions of the readers. Is it as
elegant as professional persua-
sion? No. Is it as effective at
selectively educating the public
through selective reporting? No.
But is it anywhere near as slimy as
obfuscating the truth, playing
spin-doctor to one’s own
motives? Hell no. We pride our-
selves in our inability to screw
with the reader’s mind. We wal-
low in the filth of our filler articles
because we know that we will still
look clean next to a ‘real’ reporter.
We present you, our valued read-
er, with all you need to know (and
a hell of a lot more of what you
don’t need to—or, in many cases,
don’t want to—know) and give
you our take on it. And, at the
end of the day, we can still turn
around and look upon our ‘filled’
paper with pride in our ability to
offer more pointless entertain-
ment than any other rag in town.

It takes only a second to put
your seat belt on...and it could
give you the rest of your life.

Have you got the time?

www.icbc.com

a a,
clicking in
sent BELTS Ae oe