FEATURE, NOT A BUG Over The Edge Page 7 November 18 2002 The Joys of Feminine Hygiene Or, How | learned to stop worrying and love the thong By Kathleen DeVere It's a rare occasion when I’m prompted beyond ail reason- able pressures to write what is known as “the editorial”. You, the casual reader, are in fora real treat. This literary outpour- ing is the end result of North American promotion compa- nies’ determination to get free things. Not just any free things, mind you, but free feature length articles touting the won- drous joys and delightful nuances of their product. In the innocent name of consumer information, they asked me to do a lot of work for them. This work would not be for the pur- pose of getting paid but just to give the aforementioned pro- motions people an awful lot of free advertising. If | lost you in that rant, don’t be upset, for | will recount the details of my experience to you. One lovely fall day, (well, perhaps it was lovely. I’m not exactly sure what the weather was like - the point is that it was a day, and that | was involved. Really, that’s all you need to know.) | arrived at the newspaper office to find a large envelope waiting for me. | expected a record label press release, as the envelope con- tained a large heavy folder, filled with goodies. What | discovered instead was not one, but two folders. Each of these folders focused not on any musician, but on the latest marketing campaign of Stayfree Thong Maxis. These folders were chock full of “super useful” information: the recommended retail price; a description of their marketing campaign; even glossy close- up photos of their products, that were clearly intended for to escape menstrual woes. In the dark ages, women often took, long, long baths display in a prominent window somewhere. Sadly, they were not before and after pictures. The first thing to come to mind was “What the fuck?” My second thought was “Why did | get this?” The last time | checked, Over the Edge, while being the official (and only) Student Newspaper of UNBC, is defi- nitely not a forum for cutting edge menstrual product inno- vation news. Potty humor- yes; sopping up the proverbial Red Sea...not really. | promptly called up the pro- motions rep that had sent me these folders. | asked her, in so many words, just why the hell did she think | would be inter- ested in the latest technologi- cal advances in thong protec- tion. | don’t even wear thong underwear! Understandably, she was taken somewhat off-guard by my line of questioning. Such promotion reps probably don’t get many people phoning them to berate them about their product. | bet she proba- bly doesn’t wear thong under- wear either. She apologized to me, stat- ing that their package should be been sent to a ‘fashion’ edi- tor. | replied that | was all Over The Edge had in that depart- ment. She would just have to deal with me. Unfazed, she continued to tell me the Stayfree Thong Maxi was a big innovation. She seemed to feel that it might be of some inter- est to write a story on it, because people are wearing tighter clothes nowadays, and are concerned about what goes “down there”. You know, by the “downy mound”, to put it politely. | responded by stating that if people were that concerned they would just wear tampons. She quickly switched tactics responding: “We included an informative history of the maxi pad too, you could write about that.” “Ah yes”, | said, “the evolu- tion of menstrual absorption science, from the humble Stone Age beginnings of just stuffing some furry woodland creature down your shorts, all the way through history until the advent of the STAYFREE THONG MAXI, clearly the pin- nacle of human intelligence.” - Stop working on that treat- ment for cancer folks, now we can menstruate and wear thong undies at the same time too! Conceivably, she was slight- ly under-impressed with my attitude to the product. | asked her if | could write an editorial on the STAYFREE THONG MAXI. This would be done sed the children } f paupers as} rather than rewriting their thin- ly veiled advertising campaign, and calling it a story. “And what light would you be showing the product in?” She inquired. “An ‘lt haven't used it’ light,” was my frank reply. | think | have a valid point here: if they expect me to write some sort of feature on the STAYFREE THONG MAXI, they should at least give me one for free. Trust me, | like free things just a much as they do. Thus, this editorial has made its way to the page before you. Even though | basically told them to stuff it, by writing this, | am giving them a certain amount of exposure and advertising. | doubt this is the kind of exposure they had in mind. My message to STAYFREE: if you truly believe that your product is an important new addition to a world already overpopulated with menstrual consumer crap (black panty liners? What? So | can be goth and menstruate at the same time? Really!) | suggest you do something that’s actually inno- vative. An innovation | feel would be well received would be filling your thong maxis with an absorbent and addicting mix of sphagnum moss and pure cocaine. | mean, who doesn’t like cocaine? So who wouldn’t like to have it absorbed into their bodies by that most sen- sitive of parts, the “downy mound”? imagine the intense rush brought on by changing hormones and an overdose blast of chemically enhanced stimulants straight into the ass crack. | might even have some- thing to write about! The Future is Now! Stayfree invents the Thong Maxi, the mass- es rejoice, people no longer get fat, rocket ships fill the sky, and alien overlords soon invade and destroy the human race...