Over the Edge + February 1, 2006 Opinions 7 Paranoid Pete’s Conspiracy Cabin segregation Lives! UNBC Reintroduces Class System VINCENT CHAN We tried really hard to get a picture of Paranoid Pete, however, he was just too paranoid to show his face, DAVID VOGT STAFF WRITER You meet all kinds of sorts of interest- ing people at university, but personally, Pete is one of the'most interesting I've ever met. I first came across Paranoid Pete, as he calls himself, a few months ago. Hes a pretty secretive guy who doesn't seem to have classes or even a job, but is always incredibly perceptive, cutting right to the quick of the issue at hand. Unfortunately, he’s also hard to find ~ sometimes I catch a glimpse of him rounding the corner into Student Services Street, or crouching in the shadows of a darkened classroom, but usually he turns up only when he wants to talk, and it's usually when I'm Bred or inebriated. Last Tuesday, Pete and I took a walk past the university's new anti-male re- cruitment program, which was holding’ an indoctrination meeting in the Bent- ley Centre, and eventually meandered our way into the grand sanctuary of the elite and pampered. No, not the Ad- ministration Building, that Panopticon which rules our lives or at least most of our money, In fact, we had found our way into the hallowed sanctuary of the fabled Northern Medical Program. Life is different here: you can see that from the full-sized lockers, the comfortable seating, the common area -- oh, and the doors, which are just a little higher than they are élsewhere, reminding us that this is a hall meant for intellectual giants, and not mere students. It will probably come as no surprise for you to learn that some lowly undergraduate drudges feel discouraged from spend- ing time here, and have in fact been told to leave. While it seems that the students weren't actually supposed to be told this, the message see ms clear: The medical students are a class apart, men and women of high and noble standing. Paranoid Pete was at once suspicious that there was more at work here then at first met the eye. It took most of a jug of Molson’s finest, but I eventually ‘convinced him to explain to me what was going on: the Northern Medical Program is part of an advanced plot to re-indoctrinate the student masses. You see, the high school diploma has become basically worthless, and as a result, they're now giving out postsec- ondary certificates like candy. But the fact that nobody is satisfied with high school anymore means that postsec- ondary education becomes more com- mon and thus less valuable. And that, in turn, means scores of bright, well- educated people will recover from their post-convocation hangovers just in time to face the rude shock of realizing that they have spent $30 000 and four years of their live, yet still have a medi- ocre future ahead of them. This is a ser- ious problem, because you now have a bunch of highly intelligent people run- ning around with bizarre ideas about ent itlement and equality. To fend off a modern-day French Revolution, the Powers That Be have invoked an old weapon in new form: the caste system. This way, they can teach us from first year on that people ARE different, and some people DO have -more rights and privileges than others, and we are simply not among the lucky few. That way, when we graduate with our newfound knowledge, it won't seem so unjust or unnatural to have to pay off a mountain of debt while simultan- eously being relegated to the shrinking lower middle class, who are ever scut- tling about in the city down below as you look out from on high through the windows of our prestigious institution (which, Paranoid Pete assures me, is the reason universities are built on hills: it’s to make us feel superior to the rest of the population). Incidentally, the view from some parts of the medical build- ing offers views of the city from even higher than the cafeteria, which is fur- ther proof of Pete's theory. I'm not sure whether Pete is right in everything he told me. After all, doctors do seem to be an increasingly scarce commodity, and our society must produce them somehow. But under- gtaduates certainly are well behind the curve: we don't have building keys, help with moving to Prince George, loan forgiveness programs, and so forth. In the meantime, fellow minions, at least take advantage of the nice seating and the open common area that's been pro- vided. Its much better than anything available in our own sections of the university, so by spending some time in the medical building, you can be selfish AND fight the system, all at the same time. In fact, I'm going to declare Feb- ruary 7, 2006 as the day that all under- gtaduate students should defend the right of equal access to common areas at UNBC by enjoying the fine comforts offered by the medical building. (By then, hopefully, the reported confu- sion about whether students should or should not be told to leave the Medical Buil ding will have been cleared up.) Pete says that's a brilliant idea, and that maybe he'll see you there. Legends and Heroes of UNBC EARSON GIBSON STAFF WRITER Every school has its legends and heroes, These extraordinary spirits raise the bar for us all with their larger-than- life actions that defy authority, sense, and even the fundamental laws of the universe. To educate the next genera- tion of students in these epic moments, we recount some of these extraordinary deeds, 1,Squatting at the school There have been a few brave souls who illegally inhabit the halls of this in- stitution, some for one night, others for a week. One man found that he could inhabit the space between the loose ceiling tiles and the concrete above it, nestling with some padding into the support beams. Another legendary character camped for a week in the For- est for the World, attempting to hunt pheasant with a hand made bow and arrow. 2.Hijack CFUR's radio booth and conduct a guerrilla broadcast for - three days As this title suggests, this legend locked himself in the booth and took over the airwaves.It was funny at first, but eventually they had to take the door off its hinges and the hero left in handcuffs. He's banned from the school but still calls CFUR every so often ask- y _ing if he can still have a radio program. -’ The Full Circuit” This Olympic caliber trial of body - and mind has only ever been done by- one legend. In an act of superhuman power, he made water in every urinal and toilet in the Wintergarden wash- room, without stopping the stream. All others have failed where he succeeded, but this does not mean that there will never be a greater hero; he didn't get the sinks. 4, The Cafeteria to Library Streak This event generally attracts one or two heroes a year.Last year two intrep- id men made the dash wearing nothing but boots, gun holsters and cowboy hats. Rounding the bookstore corner, security merely shook their heads in admiration and respect for this time honoured tradition. 5.Swamping a NUGSS AGM To do this you need about 60 tight lipped people who are in on the plan. Put a motion forward to, say, dissolve NUGSS and distribute all of their sav- ings equally to every UNBC student. On the day of the AGM bring your sixty friends and pass the motion. Ala- kazam! You get a sweet $370, 6.Completely Barricade your RA’s door with empty beer cans Nothing says “Somebody Loves You” like opening your door'to a wall of beer cans. What at first seems like a dream becomes a nightmare as air pressure created by the opening door causes the barricade to fall inward and into the unfortunate persons foyer. 7.’Spider Man” In one act of supreme courage and agility, one brave hero climbed the Wintergarden pillars to retrieve a roach that had fallen through an upper win- dow.What he found was about twenty roaches lining the precarious window- sill, a well-deserved earthly reward for this unearthly superhuman deed. 8.The Amazing Third Eye of Johann This guy, the epitome of a UNBC hero, had the uncanny ability to know when campus conferences were finish- ing, and when catering was supposed to clean them up.Passing him in the hall, he would often whisper a room num- bet, wink, and carry on his way with an arm full of mini-sandwiches and cock- tail goodies, We miss you, Yohan. 9.Iwo words - Chad Feltcher. There you have it. May these brave. souls forever be remembered in the hal- lowed halls of this institution, and may their deeds inspire new generations of UNBC heroes and legends. Need a course — or a more flexible schedule? Take the distance and online learning option from Thompson Rivers University (TRU). Register now — TRU offers over 400 distance courses to help you complete your program. or te turn your diploma into a TRU degree. ELMORE OTHER HOO EON MORES HH HH tru.ca/openlearning 1.866.282.2268 THOMPSON RIVERS a UNIVERSITY Distance & Online Learning from BC’s New Provinciai University The opinions expressed in editorials or letters to the editor that are submitted to Over the Edge are not the opinions of Over the Edge or UNBC. The views expressed in a letter submitted to Over the Edge are the views of the original authors, and therefore, do not reflect the views of Over the Edge, or its staff. Over the Edge welcomes your submissions to our opinion section. 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