10 Arts & Entertainment March 27th 2013 * Over the Edge GOSSIP: NOW AND AFTER THE SUMMER BREAK JORDAN TUCKER ART AND ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR As Over The Edge does not print over the Summer semesters (cry, gnash teeth, tear out your hair) we’ve assembled a list of predictions on what will occur in the highly exciting and important world of people we don’t know living in Los Angeles. Scratch that, this is a list of true events that will occur within the next four months. Your daring and intrepid Arts Editor used a Time Turner and travelled to the future (much at the disdain of her friends who will try to cash in when I use my future-gained lottery tickets - hint: it’s mine, all mine, bow to your Queen, peasants). If these events do not occur, you have likely somehow been transposed to the wrong timeline. If this does occur, I suggest that you make haste to the nearest city hall and try to explain this all to them. Film it and put the video on Reddit. People will think you’re crazy, but fame always has a price. Stale Gossip (by the time you read this) -Lil Wayne and Justin Bieber battle it out for the much-coveted “King of Sizzurp” title. -Taylor Swift reveals that Harry Styles of One Direction is the subject of her song “Trouble;” Harry Styles in tum orders that all film footage of their past romance be cut from the One Direction documentary. Fans of 1D (seriously, that’s their shorthand for it, as in, “they want the five D’s of 1D” also, “you’re making this too easy, haha dick jokes”) pull out the machetes they bought with money stolen from their babysitters and prepare to go full-crazy on that blonde biatch who hurt their poor multimillionaire womanizer. -Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest break up, although word on the street is that they were actually part of triplets with Derek Hough, and this is Cleopatra level incest going on. -Beth Ditto of the band Gossip gets arrested in a Portland bar for disorderly conduct, having reportedly thrown off her shoes and screamed at the sky, “Obama! Obama!” - no word on whether or not he appeared in a puff of blue smoke. -Robert Pattinson might move to Australia, wants to sparkle in the land where the notable Steve Irwin first “crikey!”-ed at the blossoming dawn. Kristen Stewart... probably doesn’t really care, because their relationship was a publicity stunt (sorry Twi-hards). -Ennio Morricone, celebrated Italian music composer, announces that he will not work with Quentin Tarantino again, because the director “places music in his films without coherence.” he adds that he did not like the auteur’s latest movie. BURN, QT. -Duchess Katherine Middleton would really appreciate it if people stopped calling her Kate, please. -Morissey has to cancel the rest of his North American tour, citing sickness (double pneumonia, bronchitis, other bad stuff) as the reason. Probably blames the monarchy. -Selena Gomez enjoys being single, finds many new dudes who are not his Lord Beliebliness to hakuna her tatas. -Justin Timberlake reveals that his new album, the 20/20 experience, is a two-parter, still hasn’t figured out how to stop speaking like a muppet. What Will Probably (not) happen: -Lil Wayne and Justin Bieber arm themselves with super-soakers full of the codeine-laced cough syrup and prepare to duke it out, wind up just sucking the syrup out of one another’s guns instead. -Kim Jong Un, in a clever move, realizes that the power of chaste kiss-obsessed prepubescent girls has not been fully appreciated up until this point. Seizing the opportunity, he creates a lifelike five- headed rubber cyborg with adorable freckles, wholesome (yet secretly naughty) smiles and a nonthreatening lack of adult body hair to enslave the minds of female north America. It works, but unfortunately the plot is foiled when the cyborg falls prey to Taylor Swift’s wiles, as she seduces him as the latest rally in her revenge on Harry Styles. Point, T. Swift! Obama awards her with a medal and sends drones to the houses of her ex- boyfriends as a personal thank you for services to the country. Not realizing the extent of that list, Obama has to apologize for accidentally bombing three-quarters of Los Angeles. Kim Jong Un also sends Taylor Swift a thank-you note. -Julianne Hough reveals her tragic secret of cloven hooves instead of feet on the cover of People magazine, says, “kids bullied me in school because my pedicurist had so much more surface area to work with.” Her brother lovers buy her a house made of cake for her bravery. -Steve Irwin’s 3d hologram stars in a Pantene Pro-V commercial, it is panned worldwide. Apparently harpooning someone through the heart while they flip their hair isn’t a good or clever selling point. Robert Pattinson learns to play the oboe to console himself, buys a cardigan made of emu feathers. -Quentin Tarantino stages a pretend movie without telling Kerry Washington and Christoph Waltz, telling them to “kill this old Mafia don.” After realizing the blood was actually real and that Tarantino was dancing naked in it to the Imperial March, the shocked and horrified actors told press that “we had no idea he was actually a psychopath.” The director is sent to a correctional institution where he lives out his days screaming “BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!” while drawing in his ketchup in the mess hall. -Duchess Katherine remembers that things could be worse, and that she could be called late for supper. Also she gives birth to a presumably healthy baby as was stipulated in her contract. -Morissey’s sickness tums out to be a gift from god, which he kind of hates, because he doesn’t believe in god. Still, he nonetheless transforms into a glorious phoenix of song and fire, and uses his glorious golden poops to foul up the Queen’s new hairdo at the christening of Will & Kate’s little inbred baby. He then ascends to the heavens, his life’s work finally complete. RIP and rise again, you glorious bastard. -Selena Gomez’s fondness for hilarious Lion King sex puns turns sour when Tom Cruise kidnaps her to Scientology Island and forces her to dress as the Timone to his Pumba for weeks. -Justin Timberlake is revealed to be Jim Carrey, proving once and for all his greatness and sorely underrated skills as a dramatic actor. Jessica Biel is thrilled. WHY MONSTERS AND SLASHERS ALL VOTE TORY KYLE LEITCH THE CARILLON (UNIVERSITY OF REGINA) REGINA (CUP) — While paying due attention in film class last week, a professor raised an interesting concept that I thought I would share with you all. Over the course of the lecture, aforementioned professor suggested that horror films, and, more specifically, the slasher films of the 1970s and ’80s were representations of Conservative political policies, albeit cartoonishly over-exaggerated ones. As I have been known to do when someone challenges my firmly established 66 in your dreams, right?! Teenagers. Drugs. Sex. Abortions. Oh, fuck. Mike? Leatherface? Teenagers. Drugs. Sex. Oh fuckety fuckety fuck! This is bad. This is really, really bad. How could I have not noticed the patterns? They had been in place since before the turn of the century! These movie monsters are the metaphorical archangels sent by Conservative politicians to punish the things that they hate most. Think about your favourite slasher movie. Now, think about your favourite kill — you They get into power, and then they use their cronies summoned literally from the very depths of hell to murder their competition in cold blood. paradigms, I scoffed, “Surely, you jest!” Perhaps the professor didn’t hear me, because the lesson moved on without the slightest pause to acknowledge what was a well-phrased query. “Surely, he jests?” I asked my neighbour. “Fuck off,’ my neighbour responded, going back to the doodles adorning every margin of every page of his notebook. “It’s okay,” I nodded. “Surely, he jests.” But still, I couldn’t get the nagging idea out of my head. The night after that fateful lecture, I sequestered myself in my living room — beside me, a veritable cornucopia of bloodlust. Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers and Tommy “Leatherface” Hewitt would be my only company that cold night in this foul year of the Common Era, 2013. First on the docket was Jason. Surely Friday the 13th wouldn’t let me down. Okay, things are looking good: teenagers getting high and screwing, Jason putting the machete to them, and — wait. Hold on: teenagers. Drugs. Sex. Oh no. I ejected the DVD getting slightly more panicked now. Nightmare on Elm Street? Freddy killed without discrimination, right? He got you sick bastard. Now, think about the victim. Think about what they were engaged in immediately before their intestinal tracts were used to string up the light fixtures. I guarantee you they were either having intercourse out of wedlock, were abusing a controlled substance, or were discussing something guaranteed to piss off your local Conservative MPs. Ask yourself what a Conservative MP hates more than teenagers, drugs, sex and abortions? And, suddenly, it hit me. This is how the Conservatives have been exerting their power in Canadian politics for so long. They get into power, and then they use their cronies summoned literally from the very depths of hell to murder their competition in cold blood. All I’m saying is, who’s heard from Joe Clark, lately? Jason, Freddy, Michael, Leatherface — I expected more from you. I honestly thought you killed regardless of political affiliation. I can assure you, gentlemen, that whatever the Conservatives are paying you, we, as a collective body could easily double it to stop your mercenary work for the Conservatives, and make a few more sequels each. Shall we set the first shooting day, say, March 21, 2013? I’m not angry. Honest.