6 Halloween

What lurks in the pipes

Colin Slark
Team Member

You probably heard it. Those strange
rattling, shaking, and banging noises in
the walls and in the ceilings that you hear
when you are in any room next to UNBC’s
outside perimeter. In reality, these noises

are probably things like rushing water going
through pipes, but that’s no fun at all. Here,
instead, is a hypothetical list of what goes on
in the spaces between rooms on campus.

Every semester, students file into classrooms
for exams of various sorts. By the time they
emerge from their knowledge cocoons, they
are no longer the same. Exams (especially
math related ones) are proven to reduce
parts of the brain to a liquid, which then runs
down the student’s ear and onto the floor.
All the brain liquids from all the students
coalesce into drains in lecture hall floors
where they are whisked away for who-
knows-what purpose in various pipes. Of
course, brain-juice is so thick that it makes

horrible rattling noises as it flows away.

Have you ever entered a room after an
absence to see that things have been
changed? Empty mugs with handles facing
a different direction, papers rearranged,
that paycheck you needed to cash nowhere
to be seen. This is of course due to tiny
gnomes living on the edges of the world,
just out of your sight. These gnomes are
single-purposed, living only for the pursuit
of fun and whimsy. This is why they have
set up an amusement park in the pipes and
walls of UNBC. The strange noises you hear

during class are roller coasters and log rides.

These gnomes get away with it because
gnomes aren’t real, right? Or are they?

UNBC is of course, haunted. The campus
was built on top of a former cult compound
from the 1970s. This cult believed that
robots from outer space would one day
come to rule over us and tried to build ray
guns in order to fight back against their
new robot masters. These days, they haunt

the science labs, tapping out messages in
Morse code on the pipes like “Build the ray
guns, save the world,” although unconfirmed
reports have stated that the tapping

actually spells out “Drink your Ovaltine.”

Deep beneath UNBC’s campus is a great
underground city populated by people
afraid of sunlight. Every day they send
up scavengers wearing large sunglasses,
completely covered in dark robes, to
steal supplies so they can keep their

Zombie apocalypse reaches UNBC

Kelley Ware
Multimedia Coordinator

t started several weeks ago. Students
began displaying strange symptoms,
such as an inability to vocalize more than
a groan, shuffling with each step, a lack of
spatial awareness, and blank stares. Officials
have tried to deny it, but, as more and more
students succumb, it is becoming clear that
the living dead have invaded our campus.

Similar cases have appeared all over Canada,
making UNBC just the latest instance in what
is becoming a full-scale pandemic. Experts
have been attempting to learn as much as
they can about this outbreak of zombiism.
The identity of patient zero continues to
evade medical experts. The disease is being

spread all over the
country. The rate
of transmission
over these vast
distances is both
unknown and
alarming. To make
matters worse, the
more this disease
spreads, the more
dangerous the
campus becomes.
This means that
necessary research
is slowing toa
standstill for
safety purposes.
Help will soon be
nowhere to be found as

governments begin mass
quarantines of affected
regions. When this
happens, UNBC will be
left to fend for itself.

At this point, more
students are
infected than

healthy. It is
incredibly rare
to see a UNBC
student who
is active and
lively. The vast
majority are
either already
infected,
or in denial

civilization running. Those noises
coming from the walls are actually an
elaborate communication system, so
they can tell each other where supplies
are and warn if upworlders are nearby.

All of these could be true. None of these
could be true. It is up to you to find out the
truth about the secrets hidden on campus. Of
course, you could just ask the maintenance
department, but that’s just cheating.

about the infection altogether. The latter
is trying to hold on to whatever trace

of sanity they can find. Soon, even that
will crack. Over the Edge is risking a great
deal by staying open and continuing to
publish and provide vital information to
those UNBC students who are still well
enough to pick up the newspaper. Even we
are unsure how long we can continue.

As this outbreak spreads, remember to look
out for the signs of the infected: dead eyes,
lethargic movements, incessant groaning,
and hopelessly clutching flashcards...

Wait... Never mind, it’s just
midterms. Our bad.