Br DENISE BRUNSDON
THE McGiLt Datty (MCGILL
UNIVERSITY)

Move over, sliced bread, it looks
like we’ve overlooked the greatest
invention of all time — the vibrator.

Thé vibrator has been an invalu-
able tool for improving the quality of
life for all humans for over a century,
whether they use one or merely
spend time with someone who does.

And, like many of modern man’s
technological . achievements, the
vibrator’s story begins with modern
man’s inability to please his wife.

You see, once upon a time, cen-
turies ago, women began to fall tern-
bly ill, En masse, women seemed to
be experiencing a variety of symp-
toms such as emotional distress, for-
getfulness, distractedness and irri-
tability. Rather than call this problem
by its rightful name — sexual frustra-
tion (and thereby imply that women
were sexual beings whose needs were
not properly met by their wham-
bam-thank-you-ma’am husbands) —
doctors diagnosed the problem
vaguely as a disorder termed “hyste-
ria.”

The cure for sexual dissatisfaction,
in almost every case, is some good,
Jong orgasming. How does one pre-
scribe an orgasm? “Easy,” said the
male doctors, “we will schedule

appointments with hysteria patients,
and with our fingers we will apply
‘therapeutic massage’ to their geni-
tals until we can induce ‘hysterical
paroxysm.””

And that is what they did.

Now, dear reader, I know what
you’re thinking. You’re thinking this
is all very unbelievable and you still
don’t see how this led to the creation
of the vibrator.

Well, as you can imagine, there
were a good many sexually dissatis-
fied women who needed treatment,
and not anywhere near enough

‘hours in the day for doctors to sit

around getting them all off.

And, necessity being the mother of
invention, a British physician created
a machine whereby any doctor could
use an electrically-powered, vibrating
device to speed up the rate of treat-
ment, and thus see more patients in a
day.

By the turn of the century, elec-
tricity had reached most homes in
the developed world. Which, of
course, lead to the creation of at-
home treatment kits —- what we now
consider the modern vibrator’ These
portable vibrators, available in any
Sears and Roebuck calendar up to as
late as 1918, were used by widows
and soccer moms alike who just
needed that little pick-me-up. The

March 9, 2005 ‘ Page 7

Vibrators are available in all shapes and sizes to suit every woman’s needs. Shown above are some
of the common types of vibrators.

boxes of these at-home vibrator kits
often displayed a lovely housewife

- happily holding the product, while

her husband and 2.5 kids played in
the background. Eat. your heart out,
Mrs. Cleaver.

As the porn industry began to
explore and depict the boundaries of
vibrator use, the object quickly devel-
oped a negative social stigma that
persists, in some circles, to this day.
Apparently, only sex-crazed
nymphos, not wholesome ‘soccer
moms, would dare to become sexual-
ly empowered. Oh, and apparently
sex-crazed nymphos are bad people.

Critics aside, I would still argue
that the vibrator‘is the greatest inven-
tion of all time. And to you non-
belieers, I would further venture
that if you had any idea of the wide-
spread use and corresponding indi-
rect increase in quality of life for all
society, you would be believers in a
heartbeat.

And for all those not yet on board,
but currently in the market for a
‘vibrator (or even just a dildo), I
would recommend visiting a store,
such as Extreme Adult or Love ‘n
Lace or visiting Vancouver’s
www.womynsware.com for a com-

plete list of sex toys stores. They have
a variety of plastic, silicone, arid jelly
dildos and vibrators, as well as a
knowledgeable staff that can help
you select the product and corre-
sponding lubricant that’s right for
you. They also have a discreet mail-
ing policy for those who live at home
or in residence and don’t feel like
informing the world of their new
acquisition. Though we've come a
long way, I guess we’re still not as
progressive as Sears customers were
circa 1910.

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