17 FEATURE Pretentious Films: ;: An Overview DANIEL YULE AND COLE HEWLETT STAFF WRITERS Pretentious films. With- out them, how could we sleep through film class? Below is a list of some of the most preten- tious movies of all time. This is not a complete list, as there are far more pretentious films than there is room in this newspaper. But these are some of the most pretentious. But what makes a film pretentious? What are the hallmarks of a pretentious film? First, a pretentious film must be long. The longer the better. The ego of the director assumes that everyone will want to watch their work for as long as possible. Sec- ondly, a pretentious film must have as much symbolism as it is possible to cram into the three hours it lasts. Finally, most pre- tentious films are intensely char- acter driven, that try to convey some “deeper” meaning about life, This does not mean the movies are bad, in fact some of the mov- ies listed are simply brilliant. It just means the movie is pretend- ing to be a whole lot more than it is. The Univer: applications from cop ¢ at purs Ling their grad Torante if now ac raduates Hirt i "- BILL MURRAY t BROKEN FLOWERS es aie aim SARNUDCH “A MIRADLEL ea, YeEy Zavars mye gf ore Re Balan reat ast Senta Broken Flowers is a film about a guy. Specifically, a guy who accidentally re- connects with his past, when he receives a mysterious letter. The point of the miovie.can be summed up in a quote: “The past is gone. The future... isn't here yet, whatever it's going to be. So, all there is is this. The present.’ And that's all the movie is. Some things happen to a guy. Why? No reason. Yet, there is an incredibly self important tone to the movie, as if there was something more there. The pace is very slow, and burst- ing with symbolism that doesn’t really mean anything. -epting with che ina cdi OVER THE EDGE NEWSPAPER. SEPTEMBER 27, 2006 Citizen Kane is not really a film. It is a piece of filmmaking history. It’s often referred to as the “Greatest Movie of All Time.” Whether or not it is so great is entirely subjective, but no movie can live up to the hype of the “Greatest Movie of All Time.’ Citizen Kane itself is not overly pretentious, but film enthusiasts have built such expectation around it that it's become film legend. Anyone who knows anything about film will have heard about Citizen Kane. But in the end, it's just a movie, and no movie can live up to a legend. The Abyss takes thé cake for Most Pretentious Film of All Time. It has all the hallmarks of truly outstanding pretention. Not only is it overly long to begin with at 146 minutes, the DVD includes 27 extra minutes of unneeded and repetitive film. Furthermore, The Abyss has potential to be a great movie, but completely flops at the end. Some very interesting characters are intro- duced, and then ignored. Some com- plex relationships are explored and then ignored. All these great elements were ignored because of the worst ending ever. Suddenly, the main character be- comes Christ and saves the world, for little reason besides the director thought Waking Life asks the simple question, “What if you're dreaming while you're awake?” However, it asks it in the most complicated, over-done fashion pos- sible. First is the overly artistic presen- tation. It was created using Rotoscope technology, which gives a very dream- like impression. Second is its preachy philosophical concepts, presented in an over-embellished manner by characters that are hardly developed and a plot that does not exist. The ideas presented are contradictory and often illogical, which serve to make the movie very drawn out. In short, almost exactly like a self-im- portant dream, it would be neat. there: htep://www.koryogroup.com/. by the Over the Edge Staff The true earmark of a pretentious person is their ability to enjoy the finer things in life. And by the finer things, we mean ridiculously expensive bottles of wine. Here’s a list of what to do if you really want to prove you have a refined palette. 1.First, observe the label. Say something like, “An excellent year. There was.a: snowfall on the first of November, that’s why it’s coloured that way:” 2.Sniff it-- then make something up about the scent. “Mm. It contains a rich, full- bodied aroma, with just the slightest hint of pine. 3.Hold it your mouth and swish it around. You think people get wine to drink it? The Pretentious Traveller. By Andrew Kurjata. These days, backpacking around Europe is about as original as wearing Converse shoes (which isn't very original at all). Here's some places to go if you really want to sound adventurous. 1. North Korea- Odds are, you already know someone whose worked in or visited Asian countries tanging Poat fares to Taiwan to China. But if you really want to immerse yourself in a different world, try North Korea, part of George W. Bushis “axis of evil.’ As one of the few remaining Communist countries, North Korea is widely considered the most closed society in the world today. What to see: The showcase capital, which every tourist must see (literally, guides are reuqired to take you there, and you're required to have a guide) i is immaculately clean of everything “undesirable.” Incluing old people. How to ee 2. Antartica- If you're going to an island in the south, you might as well go all the way. Come she ny orc sunsets. What to see: Snow. Ice. Penguins. How to get there: hetp://www.gapadventures.com/antarctica-travel. 3. Outer space- Man, everybody's so earthbound these days. Lighten up a little with a trip to outerspace! What to see: Your life flashing before your eyes. How to get there: hetp://www-spaceadventures.com/, How to (Not) Drink Wine ; 4.Spit it out and be disgusted at the low quality. “Bah! You expect me to drink this vile liquid? I don’t care what the label says! This is contemptible, peasant!” And here’s what not to say: 1.“Want to go halvsies? Come on...” 2.“Five second rule!” 3.“Reminds me of communion.” 4.“Does this come in a box?” 5. “I’m sooooo wasted right now.”