over The EDGE page 15 ies Wednesday, Nov 8, 1995
nn nen

THE NORTHERN AURACLE

Fabulous fortunes foretold by the
Bright Lady and the Lady Of the
Lake
(special issue in lieu of Drug
Awareness Week)

Aries March 21 - April 19

Put down the goat’s milk, it’s
time to switch to a beverage of a
different grain.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You may be a raging bull, but
the roids are keeping you limp.
It must be frustrating. Try
catching a Spanish fly for a
change.

Gemini May 21 - June 20

Try talking to the other you. Lay
off the toons, and the door knob
will shut up for now.

Cancer June 21- July 22

Your fingers are itching to
scratch those crabs . .. don’t do
Ecstasy again!

Leo July 23 - August 22

Lions . . .Tigers and Bears oh my
.., Drugs and Everclear... .oh
shit!

Virgo August 23-Sept.. 22

Forget the Dutch courage, try a
pheromone infusion, along with
a demerol shot .. . . don’t worry
it really doesn’t hurt all that
much.

Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

So you think everything is
wonderfully balanced. It will
only last as long as your surface
hasn*t Cracked.

Scorpio Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Your supposed to inject poison
into other people not yourself.
Get a life.

Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21

If you have been drinking...
you might want to aim before
you shoot... then again you
might just want to shoot before
you pass out.

Capricorn Dec. 22- Jan. 19

Half-man half-goat thing both
have been staring in your wet

dreams. Time to dry out for a
while.

Aquarius Jan. 20- Feb. 18

Has your reflection been staring
back at you from inside the toilet
bowl. Your might want to
change your venue this time.

Pisces Feb. 19 - March 20

If you’re a mail(e) try swim-
ming your way to sobriety for a
change. The rye will not agree

with you this week.

Webaholics: The Next
Generation of Couch
Potatoes
By Doug Smith

Do you spend hours surfing the

Internet? Is your best friend your
computer? Do you absolutely
HAVE to see where that link leads
you to? Are your Internet hotlinks
longer than the “Yahoo Internet In-
dexing Service?” You are not
alone. You, like many, have be-
come a webaholic.

Webaholics are being compared

with the couch potatoes of the TV
generation. Instead of flipping the
channel to find a good show, the
webaholic clicks a different link to
go to another homepage. A couch
potato will eventually turn off the
TV when there’s nothing good to
watch. Unfortunately for the
webaholic, there is always some-
thing new to see. The Internet is
unending. It’s like having an un-
limited amount of channels.
Many webaholics will use the
computer as an excuse. They’re
using a computer, so they must be
doing. something intellectual.
Right? Wrong. Eventually com-
puters and TVs will merge and sit-
ting in front of the computer will
be deemed just as brain-numbing
as watching TV. But computers
are interactive. A person is “in-
teracting” with computer, so it’s
not as bad as TV. Right? Wrong
again. TVs have remote controls
and a mouse is the computer
equivalent. The only interacting
going on between the webaholic
is pointing and clicking.

So you webaholics out there - get
out of cyberspace and rejoin your
friends in the real world. You
can’t live on the Internet forever
because you can’t download Life.

Top Ten Things that will
never be on the Menu at
McDonald’s

10. Fillet O’ Horse
9. Kitten McNuggets
8. McCanine Club Sandwich

7. Hashish Browns (oh yeah,
man!)

6. Chef’s Finger-In-The Salad

5. McRoadkill Pizza

by Vince Yim

4. McSpleen Deluxe (with or
without cheese)

3. The Big Sac

2. Double McProstate With
Cheese

1. The Employee of the Month
_(gives new meaning to “Eating
Italian”...or “Eating
Mexican”...or “Eating Chi-
nese”... or “Eating Raoul”...or...)

Student Success? The Saga

Curby: So did you survive your
visit to the Learning Skills
Centre?

Me: It was brutal. Instead of
rewriting my term paper for me,
the tutor just asked me questions.
Had I read the assignment as if it
were poetry? No, I read it once.
So we went through it looking
for key words. Those profs sure
pack a lot into one little essay
question.

Curby: But did you find out why

the prof wrote “awk” all over
your paper?

Me: The tutor got me to read the
sentences aloud. Frankly, some
of them sounded like your ’78

Vauxhall starting up on these
freezing PG momings—rumble,
sputter, fart, and nearly die, only

kept going by hope.

Curby: I know how to fix my

amazing machine, but do you
know how to fix those sen-
tences?

Me: Oh, ya. I learned how to
break them up into smaller
sentences. I always thought that
you had to write better than you
actually are, so the sentences
where like your Vauxhall
pretending to be a stretch limo.
Now I’ll make them plain and
clear.

Curby: But won’t that expose
your ignorance?

Me: Very funny. Even though
the tutor didn’t know much
about the content of my paper,
the more she asked me questions
to make me analyze my topic,
the more I realized that I knew
that stuff, I just didn’t know
that’s what the prof wanted. It
was a confidence booster if you
want to know the truth.
Curby: So you’re going to get
an A now?

Me: I’ve always valued the
effort quotient more than the
intelligence quotient—I’m going .

by Jason

to give it a try right now.
Curby: Honest criticism is hard
to take, particularly from a
friend, an acquaintance, or a
stranger—do you think you’ll go
back?
Me: The tutor really just asked
me questions.

Curby: When you look back on
two months of university classes,
do you ever think that what
passes for education is actually

ritual, and that we are being
educated when we know it least?
Me: Geez you're full of ques-
tions, aren’t you?

Tuition Increases Continued
from page 5

What does this mean for UNBC
- Canada’s newest University? The
newly installed President of
UNBC Charles Jago admits that
this university will be hurt by the
cut in federal transfer payments.
Jago sees universities “. . . travel-
ing through unknown and treach-
erous waters” in the coming years.

Terry Weininger, President of
the College of New Caledonia,
summarized the choices facing all
post-secondary institutions.
“There are three ways to offset the
impact of the (federal) cuts: cut
expenditures, increase revenues or
a combination of both.”

Time will only tell which of
these solutions UNBC will imple-
ment. One thing is certain. No
matter what budgetary plan the \
university takes the shortage of '
federal cash will determine the
quality of educational services of-
fered here and the cost that stu-
dents will have to pay for them.

Top Ten Newspaper Staff That
People Want To See Painfully Dis-

membered
10. Manpreet
9. Jes

8. Paul

7. Jes

6. Vince

by G. I. Wonder????

5. Jes
4. Demian
3. Jes
2. “fan
1-. Jes x